To hate parenting?

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Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully.

I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

I went back to work at 3 months. I knew that a long maternity leave would be awful for me and I was right, I was more than ready after 3 months and couldn't wait to get back.

Babies are dull. Mine is 9 months now and it's much better balancing parenting with work than doing nothing but the parenting stuff.

@FoodFann I was also militant about naps and routine and I don’t care what anyone else thinks as it was for my own sanity, and she slept through 11 hours from 5 months old. I did leave the house for groups, shops and walks but I was always home for nap time. Not everyone is a social butterfly and that’s fine too. Looking back now naps are a distant memory anyway (she’s 4.5)

I had my first and then lockdown hit when she was 4 weeks old. I was Googling ‘how young can a baby be and go to nursery?’
I literally spent my maternity in the house (with husband but still!) I technically went back when she was 5 months but was really 6 months. I didn’t regret it and actually enjoyed my time so much more with her when it wasn’t every day.
Currently on mat leave with baby no#2. Plan was to do the same again but I’ve extended it so I’ll go back when she’s 8 months.
I get lonely now even though this week I’m at home with both of them. It’s relentless, I’m always busy but never achieve anything, 3 year old has a screen addiction and baby cries when I put her down! They tag team to bring on my downfall 😂😂

Not unreasonable at all. My second is quite an intense baby so her starting nursery was godsend. She’s fabulous and lots of fun but the two and a half days she’s at home for the weekend is more than enough. Parenting is monotonous and like Groundhog Day sometimes. Don’t feel bad

You're definitely not alone, I went back to work P/T when my first was 5 months old and it was so liberating. It's both boring and intense being alone with a baby, and particularly if you don't have adult company during the day

I wouldn’t worry too much about disturbing the nights. DD1 had some sort of routine, but even then if I was invited out I scraped it, or ditched it for swimming lessons once a week etc. But when we were home it was very structured and ran like clockwork. DD2 has no routine, she goes to bed…at some point, naps as and when she wants. Basically haven’t been able to embed much of a routine as I want to take older daughter out to do things, or school/ nursery pick ups and she goes to classes etc.
Both have slept through the night since they were around 2 months (11-12 hours) and I’ve never experienced a sleep regression with either. Some children are just good sleepers.

You are not alone and there is no shame in admitting how you feel. All of us have individual and different relationships to motherhood. Some people love being with their babies all the time, some need regular breaks and time away to enable us to be happy and parent well. Posts such as the previous one about "feeling sorry for the babies of unhappy mums" can frankly get in the bin. Babies and toddlers do not need to be glued to their mums 24/7 to be happy and secure and can thrive with a number of caregivers. I know I'm a much better parent for regular time away from my son. No one needs to feel sorry for him, he's a happy, secure and loving boy who is completely thriving.

I have a 16 month old and still find days hard with him. I did all the "right" things, I had loads of family support, regular breaks, attended groups, had plenty friends and a baby who slept and napped well and I still hated it. I love my son but hated being at home with him. It doesn't make me a bad person or mum and nor does it make you. I still remember the immense relief I felt on his first day of nursery!

Totally get this. I decided to take the year off as everyone suggested! From 8-9 months I’ve been desperate to get back to work! I love my baby, but it gets boring doing the same thing day in day out. I don’t think it means we shouldn’t have kids, we just aren’t cut out to be stay at home mums. It’s exhausting when they get to that age and start moving, work seems like it will be a nice break m.

Absolutely agree with you. Love love love my DC (13 and 7) but hated mat leave.

I went to groups but could not relate to the other mums. The conversation only ever revolved around their kids. I was so bored. I craved stimulation and proper adult conversations. When I tried steering conversations away from baby and toddler topics, I would often be met with blank stares. Now I tend only to bond with a tiny handful of mums at school (and hate dreaded parent WhatsApp groups) for the same reason.

Going back to work both times was wonderful (particularly the first time).

Absolutely love the older years. DC are independent people, funny and interesting. Our relationship is brilliant and our time together is precious but we also enjoy our time apart. When we get back from holiday (where we’ve most likely been sharing a small space) we all slink away to our various corners to have some alone time!

But there are other women who love it and have said they had their 2nd or 3rd to get the mat leave. We’re all different!

Parenting can be so tedious, boring, relentless and never ending, I felt the same, I love my DC more than anything but it’s such hard work. Then before you know it, they’ve flown the nest and when I look back the baby years were the easiest. I’m sure you will feel better when you return to work and get some adult time. Wishing you all the best.

I found mat leave extremely difficult. The lack of time to yourself and wondering how to fill the days every single day. As others have said, planning stuff to do is key and embracing the chinks of light like when they can play on their own for a bit while you drink tea.

DC is nearly 3 and I work 4 days but wish I could have more time with her as she's a delight ❤️

Not sure about the OPs situation but for me, I had no family to visit really, wasn't living near friends. Certainly when mine was a baby, I didn't bother trying to organise much with friends anyway as most conversations would've had to have been had over the top of a yelling child which I found exhausting (friends only being free at the weekends and evenings didn't help either when this was my only chance of a break - I was usually wanting to sleep then!). When she got older I did meet some people at groups, but of the many groups I attended, I met 2 people who I enjoyed spending time with and I didn't see them that often. I hated the local church toddler groups and didn't have the money to go to a different specialist group everyday. I'm not altogether sure how I survived those first years to be honest. I think it probably helps if you're not constantly running on fumes...

Good for you. Maybe have some empathy that everyone's experience is different and not everyone had the same great time you did. Not everyone can afford baby massage classes and music classes. A lot of people have post natal depression/anxiety that makes going to groups difficult or impossible.

"Unhappy" mums do not need people to feel sorry for their babies. They need support, empathy and understanding to help them manage parenthood in the way they feel suits them best. They don't need goading posts about meeting "well educated" friends for a Friday wine.

Honestly I think there are quite a few mums that feel like this but don’t speak about it. Whilst there were bits that were enjoyable, I really didn’t enjoy either of my maternity leaves and now I’m back at work im finding it a lot easier. It depends on your resources and how much help you have. Of course, some mums really enjoy being at home but we are all different. I adore my kids but working makes me a better mum as I get a bit of balance.

Speak for yourself - for some people it is difficult

Firstly the well educated comment was in response to some posters having had a maternity without a single worthwhile conversation!

My second point was putting the other side to new mothers reading this, motherhood can be enjoyed, it’s not all dull monotony every day. It’s obviously not everyone’s experience.

The music class was run by the church and was free, it’s run by volunteers. The baby massage was an nct group meet up and just a few pounds.

Mothers should be more vocal not less about their experiences, and speak to the HV and GP. No one wants their baby’s first experiences to be marred by their mothers loneliness and isolation or zero support. It’s really up to us as a society to ensure this doesn’t happen.

You are me. I cry sometimes because I think I’m just not made for this. I can’t stand how mundane everything is and i can’t seem to keep him entertained. It’s getting worse now he can crawl - it’s just an endless exhausting game of chasing him round saying no. I love him, but I just don’t have the level of patience required to be a mum. I thought I’d be good at it but I’m shit, and I really don’t enjoy it.

You’re not alone. I’m 6 months into my second mat leave after having a year with my first and I can’t for the life of me remember why I decided to have a full year again 🙈 I think I thought it would be unfair to baby 2 if I had less than I had with baby 1. I get bored if I have to spend all day in the house so we regularly go out to groups, meeting friends or just to the supermarket so that I can leave the house. It doesn’t make you a bad parent to want some time to yourself and some adult company occasionally.

'baby's first experiences' don't matter too much as long as they're held, fed, cleaned and played with a bit. My second baby was a massive sleeper so I had an ace maternity leave visiting friends abroad and generally doing whatever I wanted; my first was a nightmare as they had horrific colic and I was living somewhere that I have no family and few friends - and 'society' couldn't care less. Circumstances really matter - and a HV or GP can't really help - unless maybe in terms of PND.

Nope i felt exactly the same, i got that fed up i went back to work after 4 months there is no way i could have coped longer. I do now have a bit of mum guilt but it allowed me to push my career and get the things i needed without struggling.

I had 11 months off and I did enjoy it mostly but also found it hard. The day I got back to work I revelled in sitting at my desk with a coffee I drank while it was hot, able to read some documents I needed to read, and generally feeling like I had an identity and purpose beyond snack-provider / nappy-changer / general dogsbody. Nothing wrong with that.

What you don't seem to understand is that not every mother enjoys baby classes such as music, baby massage etc and it's a reason why they find maternity leave so dull.

Not enjoying it doesn't mean you need to involve the HV and GP because there's nothing wrong or abnormal about not enjoying the baby stage.

I'm also getting slightly off topic but I find the fact if someone is well educated or completely irrelevant as to whether they can hold a good conversation or not or if they are good company!

I hear you on the loneliness. I found it hard, too, to talk to my baby before he could talk back - I knew I should, but the words wouldn't come. Then I had another and had two under two for a few months, and my second one was much more difficult as a baby JUST as her brother hit the difficult-toddler stage. Burnout is real!

But! Second kid was a difficult baby but an easy, smiley, delightful toddler and I have enjoyed parenting SO much more with kids who can talk. I now have two pre-teens who have been really good company for years, and it's never been so hard again. I went back to work PT when second kid was 18 months and it was a lifeline (I had a long but not too crowded or difficult commute by train and it was my best "me time" in years). I now work FT and husband does the school pickup, holidays etc.

There is hope. We're not all born to be ideal parents of little babies but that's just as well because they don't stay that way. I hope the tide turns for you soon - it will happen more suddenly than you expect!

I thought the same about fairness, sort of, but when we were planning for baby 3 I was fully intending to go back to work much sooner than with the other two. Admittedly I was working much more P/T than with the first two, and with the experience I'd also have been more chilled about letting someone else have the baby for a day at a time (with my first one I was so anxious that something would go wrong that I barely took my eyes off him).

Baby 3 never happened (health issues - we are grateful we had the first two when we did) but I still think it was a perfectly good option and would have resulted in a much happier parent-of-baby.