Ah OP, the way I describe it to people is this: imagine something you really enjoy and find worthwhile, like doing yoga or playing the piano orc wherever. Now imagine you have to do it non stop from 6:30am to 7:30pm every single day, and sometimes for an hour in the middle of the night, without a break. Of course you’d feel like doing something else!
(Confession: my daughter went to nursery a day a week from when she was 3 months old, and I still found being a stay at home mum felt quite relentless! I’d use that day for things like the supermarket shop and my own doctor’s appointment, but nonetheless still felt really busy a lot of the time. I went back to work when she was 5 months old)
Like you, I tried really hard with my mothering as I think on some level I wanted to excel at it. Obviously because we want the best for our babies. But also, for people who are used to trying hard at work I think we want to ace motherhood, and maybe also for other people’s approval. I think I wanted my husband to think I was doing it wonderfully. But it’s not like work, we won’t get an appraisal form rating saying we exceed expectations… it just ain’t gonna happen!
I found it easier too when I went back to work: having time to pop out at lunchtime to run an errand, have a coffee and a chat with a colleague during the working day etc… they say “a change is as good as a rest”, and I think that’s true!
You might find you share more of the mental load when you go back to work, too.
So you’re not alone: I remember after I’d been back at work for about 2 months, finding it really weird that a lot of women would still be off work at that point and seemingly enjoying it, whereas that (to me) seemed like it would be much harder than going to the office! I did feel a bit weird about that like as if I wasn’t a “natural” mother, but honestly, I think a lot of people just aren’t honest about how hard it is. Or some people were naturally more relaxed so can chill a bit more while full-time mumming.