To hate parenting?

[StrongUsernameHere]

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully.

I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

Babies are a bit boring and tedious (in my opinion) which I didn't realise until I had one 🤣 was planning on being a SAHM but ended up arranging to go back to my job when DS was 6 month old. Just part time though for a bit of alone time.

They get a lot more fun as they get a bit older 😅

I didn't enjoy my first mat leave. I was living with my inlaws and honestly it was a shitshow. I enjoyed my second mat leave much more. I had more of an idea of what to expect and kept dd1 in nursery 2 mornings a week so ds and I could go to a group and get out of the house. My 3rd maternity leave has been the best yet. I've finally learned not to sweat the small stuff and enjoyed being with dd2. We went to 3 groups a week and I just embraced it all. My house wasn't always spotless and I put cuddles with her infront of doing the hoover or dusting but overall I was happier. We got into a routine and despite having 3 kids I felt much less tired than when I had the one.

There is no harm in saying you didn't enjoy your mat leave and it doesn't mean you won't enjoy parenting overall. Remember parenting is a long game and whilst periods will be intense and challenging it won't be this physically intense as baby gets older and can do more for themselves. You aren't a bad mum for feeling this way and it doesn't have any bearing on how your parenting will be as your child gets older.

I think it depends. I’m the type who needs a loose routine and plan. I was a full time mum for a few years but I’ll always have a ‘Monday we do this and that, Tuesday we go here and there’ etc not to the point where it was a regime, just to the point it gave me structure. I found it so much easier than just looking at endless days with no end. He’s 19 now. They say the minutes drag hit the days fly in and looking back I found that to feel true. Thera no right or wrong feeling to have. You’re totally cut out to be a mum because you ARE a mum! X

Thank you so much for all your responses. Made me feel a lot better. I am fortunate to have a great partner and very nearby mum but I really wanted to do a PERFECT job of it all by myself – exclusively breastfeeding, baby led weaning, no screen time, etc etc – and I think I burnt out tbh.

I also feel lonely because I’m the first of anyone I’m friends with to have a baby and they were all like… why on earth would you do that?

Nowadays my baby crawls and stands and cruises non-stop and it’s exhausting, every nappy change is a battle, she’s super clingy and hates being in the pram or car seat (cries horrendously until I carry her) so going out the house is just basically horrible.

But I’m really hoping that as a PP suggested I don’t actually hate parenting it’s just I need time away from it! I’m terrified of the toddler years but at least I’ll be working… so I’ll be able to appreciate her more on my days off. Fingers crossed!

May I suggest a changing mat called “The Wriggler”. It’s very expensive (may be cheaper copies available). It’s basically a straight jacket so they can’t roll away. My DS struggled against it the first couple of times but once he realised he couldn’t roll he didn’t bother… broke the habit and made nappy changes so much better. Also a special toy (like your keys) that they only get during nappy changes.

I’ve found toddlerhood much better… my DS actually has a personality now. He’s funny, he thinks I’m hilarious, he comes and strokes my hair and gives me cuddles.

I lasted four months at home with my first and five months the second time. Nursery was my salvation. It was the only break we ever got.
Twenty years on and never a single regret. All bonded well enough and my pension looks great.

I went back early both times. Practically skipped into work leaving DH to take DDs to their first days at nursery.

I love my daughters. But my mental health took a complete nose dive on maternity leave. It was the two most awful periods of my life.

@StrongUsernameHere

My twins were born 3 weeks before COVID started. I spent 9mths at home terribly ill through maternity. Then I spent 20mths stuck at home.

They are now 3.5yrs. And I've actually started this week on a voluntary role. I can't tell you how much my brain, my social skills, just simple ability to make small talk and function alongside adult humans, had deteriorated to nothing.

This week, for the first time since I fell pregnant, I walked into a work place. And by the end of that day, I left with such a sense of "me" that I hadn't seen for the best part of 5yrs.

Don't think for a moment this need to retain your own identity makes you a lesser mother.

I wish I'd volunteered a year ago now.

I love my kids to bits and I do love spending time with them but I really enjoy a break from them too.
On a recent child free day out I was asked if I was missing my children and I couldn't imagine that anyone in that scenario (I was due to be back home early afternoon) would honestly answer yes.

Oh gosh OP I hear you! I had a year with DD1 (now 5), and just under a year with DD2 (now 2.5). DD2 was born during lockdown 2, so the first four or so months of her life were HARD - no family visiting, no groups etc. Once we could go to groups I enjoyed myself much, much more, but I think having had that first 4 months with not much to do, I was very ready to go back!

Out of interest, do you take your DD to any groups, or have you met any friends through her? Groups and my new friends are what kept me sane (and still do - I'm still very good friends with 5 women I met through having DD1).

I feel similar- Im naturally sociable and I miss the everyday chit chat of work. It helps me to remember that the pressure to take 9/12 months of mat leave is only a recent one, and only confined to certain countries. Lots of countries, women go back to work a lot sooner, or live in communities where the mother isnt (essentially) alone with the baby all day. Plus, men on the whole don't seem to jump at the idea of shared parental leave.

There's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Some people are just better at being with small kids all day. I'm not one of them! That's fine, were all different. I've found going back to work part-time around 6 months gives me the right balance

Yanbu and not alone. Some of the worst times were the first years. I have a 9mo and can't wait for her to go to nursery. The relentlessness and exhaustion is just wrecking me.

Parenting got vastly better when maternity leave ended and DC1 was no longer a baby. The fog lifted when I went back to work and DC was able to walk and talk. I’m on maternity leave with DC2 now and while I’m less lonely than I was first time round (not lockdown and no fears about going out with fussy baby or breastfeeding in public) and I’m not so hyper focused on the baby…i’m still wishing time away. I’m not good at this bit!

Same, I have a 7yo and only now enjoy being with him. I felt each and every day painfully crawl by as I waited for this age.

OP when I went back to work I cried tears of sweet relief. I love being a mum but hated being at home.

Clearly you've had an easy baby. Ever had a reflux baby who struggles to eat. Ever had a baby with the most horrible sleep patterns that means they are constantly whinging and fussing?

I think it's not for everyone and there's no shame in admitting that. Lots of parents go back to work sooner than 12m especially in countries like the US where maternity rights are poor.

I've loved my mat leave and don't really relate to the issues you have. Probably my dc is just more chilled and I'm lucky to have that. She's 16m now and can be wriggly with nappy changes and sometimes grumbles about getting in the buggy but just needs a snack bribe or distraction really. We get out every day and I find it really fun to do groups and trips out. Never found my dcs boring, I always saw it as being a bit like a science project, observing a newborn and relating it to research on child development. Far more interesting and satisfying than most office jobs.

@FrenchandSaunders because she is such a great sleeper at night, we are desperate to
not upset the apple cart. So we stick to the same routine every day.

Im a SAHM and I love it but we're out like all the time. It's hard work being inside with a baby/toddler

Also, I’m introverted, so I don’t really want to be out with other people, especially when it gets busy in the afternoons. I take DD out first thing, every day, when it’s not too busy, but then we have a loooong afternoon til bedtime!

I find this comment interesting. Mine had silent reflux which ended at month 9. The only way I stayed sane was by being out of the house for most of the day every day. Naps in the carrier, bf on the go. I felt trapped in the house and it made everything seem so much worse. The crying was so much easier to handle outside.

There is nothing wrong with what you are saying at all!

I loved being a mum! Had the sweetest and easiest children ever! Yet I couldn’t wait to get back to work when they were 6 months! Just adult conversation, peeing in peace, drinking a hot drink, having time to think! It was heaven 😂

Mine had very un-silent reflux and we’d both be absolutely soaked with baby sick after every feed (and frequent intervals thereafter). Plus much screaming. Made it very stressful to go anywhere.

I enjoy my children so much more now they’re older. I found the younger years bloody hard. They’re both diagnosed with ASD and I now realise how much I struggled.

They’re 8 and 11 now and fun independent people with their own personalities. I really like their ages.

Ah yeah, outfit changes, fair enough, I didn't have to deal with that. I just couldn't cope with the screaming at home. It felt a million times louder at home than it did in the open air.