Page 8 | To hate parenting?

StrongUsernameHere · 2023-09-06T14:06:26+00:00

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully. I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 12:20

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 05:16

No one is forced to do anything, most parents want to spend time with their young babies, if you didn’t want to, that’s completely up to you.

You won’t know the true strength of the bond for years and years, babies are entirely dependent on you and can’t advocate for themselves at this point but they will soon be vocal in children/teens/adults. Most issues will present much, much later.

I assume you are only having one if it hasn’t been a great experience?

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Except I do spend time with him. Again, just not all of my time.

I'm confident that he will care very little about when I went back to work when he's older.

You assume incorrectly, I'm currently pregnant. I'm willing to go through the boring newborn stage one more time because I know that it gets better as they get older and the newborn stage is thankfully short.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 12:52

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 12:20

Except I do spend time with him. Again, just not all of my time.

I'm confident that he will care very little about when I went back to work when he's older.

You assume incorrectly, I'm currently pregnant. I'm willing to go through the boring newborn stage one more time because I know that it gets better as they get older and the newborn stage is thankfully short.

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I hope you are getting good mental health support this time around.💐

andthat · 09/09/2023 13:00

StrongUsernameHere · 06/09/2023 20:01

Thank you so much for all your responses. Made me feel a lot better. I am fortunate to have a great partner and very nearby mum but I really wanted to do a PERFECT job of it all by myself – exclusively breastfeeding, baby led weaning, no screen time, etc etc – and I think I burnt out tbh.

I also feel lonely because I’m the first of anyone I’m friends with to have a baby and they were all like… why on earth would you do that?

Nowadays my baby crawls and stands and cruises non-stop and it’s exhausting, every nappy change is a battle, she’s super clingy and hates being in the pram or car seat (cries horrendously until I carry her) so going out the house is just basically horrible.

But I’m really hoping that as a PP suggested I don’t actually hate parenting it’s just I need time away from it! I’m terrified of the toddler years but at least I’ll be working… so I’ll be able to appreciate her more on my days off. Fingers crossed!

OP this is the stage I found the hardest. Mobile. With no common sense, determined to find new and inventive ways to potentially kill themselves.

I used to search for posts like yours to reassure myself I wasn’t alone in not loving parenting.

It definitely got easier for me when they got older and more independent and I started to enjoy it. It doesn’t necessarily follow that you’ll always dislike it later because you dislike it now.

I shudder now when I see other people in that phase and thank god it’s passed!!

For you now…’this too, shall pass’ is a good mantra!!

andthat · 09/09/2023 13:06

Jackienory · 08/09/2023 11:47

Lastchancechica ....... flounce and selfish ?.

I went back to working 12-hour shifts on a Major Trauma Unit in central London !.

My first shift back was desperately trying to keep an 18-year-old female student alive who had been runover by a cement lorry. That she was later ( weeks later ) able to hug her parents and thank us personally must be a measure of my selfishness.

I didn't take 5 "A" levels, followed by hard years of medical study, placements, exams, assessments and being shouted to sit at home, occasionally changing a baby that slept 99% of the time, and throwing a vacuum around.

My "baby" grew up to be a healthy, happy and motivated young woman. She is now a medical student.

I had two more, they are both healthy and well-adjusted teenagers.

I didn't get married just to have kids, there is more to me than that, so I saw no issue in hiring a nanny and pursuing my career.

Also, I was not their only parent. Their father was quite capable, able and willing to look after them too.

Quite right OP. More posts like this will help woman see that it is not ‘selfish’ to pursue a career and be a mother if that is what is wanted. Kudos to you for doing so whilst raising a family.

FFS. We really have not evolved at all judging by some responses. I hope for your daughters that attitudes change!

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 13:34

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 12:52

I hope you are getting good mental health support this time around.💐

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I’ll be going back to work at 3 months again. Works wonders for me.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:37

Cutting short your maternity leave because you are ‘bored’ of your baby is questionable parenting. That’s almost certainly the only time your baby will ever have with you that is uninterrupted by other demands of life, and it is a key developmental stage for attachment.
Whether you like it or not, it’s a fact.

Don’t take my word for it, despite my life’s work, read the evidence and research yourself:

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

Attachment and child development | NSPCC Learning

Explains why attachment is important as well as the different stages. Includes information on types of attachment, attachment issues and the effect of trauma.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 13:44

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:37

Cutting short your maternity leave because you are ‘bored’ of your baby is questionable parenting. That’s almost certainly the only time your baby will ever have with you that is uninterrupted by other demands of life, and it is a key developmental stage for attachment.
Whether you like it or not, it’s a fact.

Don’t take my word for it, despite my life’s work, read the evidence and research yourself:

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

I’m well aware of the research, thanks.

I feel incredibly comfortable with my choice. My baby has more than one caregiver and as your link very helpfully points out, babies are able to form bonds with more than one caregiver which is exactly what he has done.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:49

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 13:44

I’m well aware of the research, thanks.

I feel incredibly comfortable with my choice. My baby has more than one caregiver and as your link very helpfully points out, babies are able to form bonds with more than one caregiver which is exactly what he has done.

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That’s right so there is every chance that your newborn baby will form a secure attachment with someone other than you.
The classic case and example with very young children calling the nanny mama. The mother and father become distant, background figures and not the primary caregiver. It sounds like you are cool with that, as is your choice.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:52

A full time job at 12 weeks takes you out of the house for almost all of the baby’s waking hours for 5 days a week. With just weekend parenting available.
Of course you can not expect to become the primary caregiver as your baby’s needs will be met by someone else for the majority of the time.

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:14

Do you realise how offensive this could be to gay dads or adoptive parents who didn’t carry or breastfeed their children? Or men who choose to become sahds?

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:16

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:14

Do you realise how offensive this could be to gay dads or adoptive parents who didn’t carry or breastfeed their children? Or men who choose to become sahds?

Was referring to previous quote about only biological breastfeeding mothers being able to be primary caregivers here. Can’t master quotes!

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 14:18

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:14

Do you realise how offensive this could be to gay dads or adoptive parents who didn’t carry or breastfeed their children? Or men who choose to become sahds?

What ate you suggesting we rewrite biology and pretend men can carry babies? That breastfeeding is irrelevant?

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 14:38

Your own link says that babies can form attachments with more than one person.

I'm not threatened by other people bonding with my baby, it doesn’t take away the close bond I have with him. I see it as a good thing.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 14:39

The above was to @Lastchancechica

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 15:19

It’s up to you. We all have different values, different priorities. I am well past that stage now, and honestly look back with such tenderness, and maybe you will feel differently when you are older/they are older. Motherhood is not for everyone, and not everyone’s experience is positive and happy. Especially for those struggling with their mental health. Good luck South London I hope it all goes well for you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 15:33

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 15:19

It’s up to you. We all have different values, different priorities. I am well past that stage now, and honestly look back with such tenderness, and maybe you will feel differently when you are older/they are older. Motherhood is not for everyone, and not everyone’s experience is positive and happy. Especially for those struggling with their mental health. Good luck South London I hope it all goes well for you.

Motherhood is absolutely for me, thanks. It just isn't all I want or value out of life, I also enjoy my career and I feel no guilt about that.

Not enjoying one very tiny stage of parenting doesn't mean that I'm not a good parent.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 20:50

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 15:33

Motherhood is absolutely for me, thanks. It just isn't all I want or value out of life, I also enjoy my career and I feel no guilt about that.

Not enjoying one very tiny stage of parenting doesn't mean that I'm not a good parent.

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Your baby’s first experiences are the blueprint for the rest of their life. If you wish to discount your pivotal role then do so, I can not agree with you. Let’s leave it there. We are pulling in opposite directions.

I am a massive champion of children’s rights and mostly their right to a solid start in life with their primary caters ( father or mother) for secure attachments. I work in psychiatry.

I wish you the best, please try and think about what is best for your child/children. You are never expected to be a perfect parent, you are invested in your child in a way that no one else will ever be.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 21:17

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 20:50

Your baby’s first experiences are the blueprint for the rest of their life. If you wish to discount your pivotal role then do so, I can not agree with you. Let’s leave it there. We are pulling in opposite directions.

I am a massive champion of children’s rights and mostly their right to a solid start in life with their primary caters ( father or mother) for secure attachments. I work in psychiatry.

I wish you the best, please try and think about what is best for your child/children. You are never expected to be a perfect parent, you are invested in your child in a way that no one else will ever be.

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If you wanted to leave it, you could’ve done by simply not responding but you just had to get in there with one more jibe that I’m clearly just not a good mother.

I’m an amazing mother. You’re incredibly condescending.

There are many ways to be a good mother, it’s certainly not just your way.

Working is absolutely the best thing for my baby for many reasons. I know what is best for my baby, some stranger on the internet most definitely does not.

Beezknees · 09/09/2023 21:33

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 20:50

Your baby’s first experiences are the blueprint for the rest of their life. If you wish to discount your pivotal role then do so, I can not agree with you. Let’s leave it there. We are pulling in opposite directions.

I am a massive champion of children’s rights and mostly their right to a solid start in life with their primary caters ( father or mother) for secure attachments. I work in psychiatry.

I wish you the best, please try and think about what is best for your child/children. You are never expected to be a perfect parent, you are invested in your child in a way that no one else will ever be.

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Or just mind your bloody business on what works for other people and I say that as someone who was a SAHM until DC started school.

Islandermummy · 09/09/2023 21:38

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:52

A full time job at 12 weeks takes you out of the house for almost all of the baby’s waking hours for 5 days a week. With just weekend parenting available.
Of course you can not expect to become the primary caregiver as your baby’s needs will be met by someone else for the majority of the time.

Nah I went to work at 5 months and I'm still my baby's number one. She has other grown ups who she enjoys spending time with, though. She loves going to nursery and she loves being picked up from nursery! It's great

DutchessOfDukeStreet · 09/09/2023 21:42

I loved being at home and resented the fact l had to go back part time when baby was only 17 weeks old. I was never bored at home but work has always left me extremely bored. I'm much happier at home but different strokes for different folks.

Islandermummy · 09/09/2023 21:52

"I assume you are only having one if it hasn’t been a great experience?”

@Lastchancechica this was an astonishing thing to say to @SouthLondonMum22, and even more so if you are a mental health professional!

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 22:01

Islandermummy · 09/09/2023 21:52

"I assume you are only having one if it hasn’t been a great experience?”

@Lastchancechica this was an astonishing thing to say to @SouthLondonMum22, and even more so if you are a mental health professional!

Absolutely.

Not to mention the fact that it completely took what I was saying out of proportion which seems to be a habit from pp.

Not being a fan of the newborn stage doesn't mean that the whole thing hasn't been a great experience. He's 9 months old and I've certainly had more good experiences than bad, I'm finding it more enjoyable the older he gets.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 22:10

This age will be known as the age of narcissism, and this thread will make excellent future research material in the way it has impacted motherhood, and very young babies.

PurpleWisteria1 · 09/09/2023 22:18

You are feeling this way because you are isolated.
I loved it but like others have said, I absolutly had to have a plan to get out and meet people almost every day. Even spending 1 single day at home (snowy weather for example) was horrible and hard.
Sounds like you are being very rigid with routine. Why can’t you get out to a baby / toddler group in the morning before lunch?
You said ‘we don’t get out much’ and I love it when I spend the day with my mum which tells me everything. You are lonely.
You must make an effort to meet other mums - I’m so surprised that everyone doesn’t do this- saved my sanity when mine were babies and I’m still in contact with a few of the baby group mums now 14 years on!
Find a local pay as you go group or scrape the money to pay for a longer set of sessions. - worth their weight in gold.