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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate parenting?

214 replies

StrongUsernameHere · 06/09/2023 15:06

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully.

I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

OP posts:
Joeylove88 · 07/09/2023 16:08

I'm a mixed bag to be honest iv loved being home looking after my DD but I'm now feeling ready to get back out there! I'm starting back at University after deferring for a year to have DD and I'm excited to be mixing my Uni work with having time with her I will feel more balanced and to be honest I think being in nursery for a couple of days a week then half a day with her grandparents and cousins is going to do her the world of good from a social point of view. Don't feel bad for not wanting to be at home all the time and wanting some balance! Although it does sound like you need to arrange more social stuff so that you can be around adults I couldn't of got through this last 10 months without having plans a few times a week and having my partner around.

SillySausage21 · 07/09/2023 16:16

"Mothers should be more vocal not less about their experiences"

@Lastchancechica funny that you should say that as that's exactly what we've all done on this thread and you've judged some of us for it!! Practice what you preach - shame on you!

queenatom · 07/09/2023 16:35

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:10

Just for what it’s worth, I created plenty of structure and routines that were fun and enjoyable. I met a great set of interesting, well educated friends and we have a late lunch every Friday at someone’s house with a glass of wine and music. We would go out once a month for dinner and drinks,
I loved the baby massage and music clubs. We swam, went for picnics, met lovely people along the way. Long seasonal walks, baby club group for lunch. It was genuinely a wonderful period of my life, the tenderness and cosy evenings. What happened to you that made it such a negative experience?

It’s very sad for the babies of unhappy mothers that can’t wait to leave them. The time together is short and over so soon.

I had a lovely NCT group who did lots of nice activities - baby cinema, classes, lunches, picnics... I also had a miserable baby who cried endlessly, wouldn't settle and would only sleep if I was constantly walking at speed whilst wearing them in a carrier. At best, I got to look at my NCT group doing all of these lovely activities and having a great time from a distance whilst I marched around with my screaming baby. I distinctly remember one picnic where I could hear them laughing across the field whilst I walked alone trying to calm their babies down - their babies napped sweetly in their prams, mine was puce and sweaty from screaming. Being with them made me feel more lonely than being by myself.

I was a million times happier when I went back to work (and my child was with their father, who was on shared parental leave). They're now a sweet, easygoing toddler and I (mostly) thoroughly enjoy the time I spend with them.

Livemenot · 07/09/2023 16:58

You’re not alone. I was the same. I came back to work after 6months and could leave my child with his granny, so rid not feel too much guilt… Things get easier with time, at least it does with my child :)

Februaryschild2023 · 07/09/2023 17:24

I hate these classes with a passion. Sitting on the floor in a church hall pretending to be interested in other babies and their nap schedules. Ye gods.

EmmaPaella · 07/09/2023 18:26

Mothers should be more vocal not less about their experiences, and speak to the HV and GP. No one wants their baby’s first experiences to be marred by their mothers loneliness and isolation or zero support. It’s really up to us as a society to ensure this doesn’t happen

Ha! The health visiting team I saw couldn't care less that I was lonely and not coping. when I turned up broken at the weigh in sessions, basically rocking in a corner. The health visitor who visited me then spent the whole time 'eulogising' about her 'wonderful' maternity leave, much like you have, making me feel even worse.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 07/09/2023 20:21

I love my kid, I hate parenting sometimes. It’s hard. I was home for 9 months with her, went mad with boredom.
That doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or you should not have had a child, you’re just burned out. It’s normal and the time together will be all the better once you’re back at work.
I know, for me it did.
Let me repeat. This. Is. Normal.

Johnisafckface · 07/09/2023 20:31

Beezknees · 07/09/2023 10:33

I don't like babies and toddlers and didn't enjoy that stage much. I like the teenage years much more. Toilet trained, can dress himself, doesn't need adult supervision all the time, can have a decent conversation.

This. I preferred the teen years, she was independent and was involved in activities that I could enjoy as well.

Doone21 · 07/09/2023 22:04

Don't overthink it, just enjoy going back to work and handing kiddie over to the professionals. It doesn't make you a bad mum not to want to play peekaboo 24/7

miniegg3 · 07/09/2023 23:01

SnapdragonToadflax · 07/09/2023 12:36

I felt exactly the opposite. Babies are stressful but boring. 4 and 5 year olds are far from boring, with much less stress. More argumentative of course, but at least you don't have to change nappies/clear up sick/etc, and you can have a laugh with them. And you can leave them alone a bit!

We're all different. Thank goodness there are people who like looking after babies, so nurseries exist 👍

Show quote history

Totally agree with you, my 5 year old definitely has his moments, but for the most time he is entertaining, good to have a laugh with, watch films, go places, travel with ect. He even entertains himself a lot of the time too 🤣 I'd have another child tomorrow if they came 2 years +, but wouldn't consider another baby

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 06:13

queenatom · 07/09/2023 16:35

I had a lovely NCT group who did lots of nice activities - baby cinema, classes, lunches, picnics... I also had a miserable baby who cried endlessly, wouldn't settle and would only sleep if I was constantly walking at speed whilst wearing them in a carrier. At best, I got to look at my NCT group doing all of these lovely activities and having a great time from a distance whilst I marched around with my screaming baby. I distinctly remember one picnic where I could hear them laughing across the field whilst I walked alone trying to calm their babies down - their babies napped sweetly in their prams, mine was puce and sweaty from screaming. Being with them made me feel more lonely than being by myself.

I was a million times happier when I went back to work (and my child was with their father, who was on shared parental leave). They're now a sweet, easygoing toddler and I (mostly) thoroughly enjoy the time I spend with them.

Show quote history

Well the group were not exactly great leaving you in that way, we have a screamer and everyone took turns rocking him to give his mother - our friend a break. I can well imagine it felt lonely, we had mothers with PND and other issues. A good experience starts and ends with tons of non judgmental support, if you can find that I guarantee it will transform your maternity leave. Especially if they enjoy letting their hair down on Saturday nights!

Jackienory · 08/09/2023 06:17

I just found it intensely boring so I went back after 12 weeks. That was enough for me.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 06:23

Accepted we can’t know what it’s like before we have babies, but just to say it’s ‘boring’ and go back to work early smacks of self absorption and selfishness. Seriously. Don’t have any more children if you are that ‘bored’ !!!!

Poor kids.

MaryWelly · 08/09/2023 06:39

Totally understandable! Especially if you aren't seeing many people you can get into survival mode. Really good to go along to things - need to outnumber the baby 😉 then it's more relaxing and fun!

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 07:29

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 06:23

Accepted we can’t know what it’s like before we have babies, but just to say it’s ‘boring’ and go back to work early smacks of self absorption and selfishness. Seriously. Don’t have any more children if you are that ‘bored’ !!!!

Poor kids.

What's the alternative? Lie? Be a martyr, stay at home for 9 months but be miserable? How does that benefit the baby?

You can be an excellent parent (well, mother, no one judges fathers for not pushing for shared parental leave and going back to work as early as 2 weeks after baby is born) but find the baby stage mind numbing.

Thankfully the baby stage is a very short part of parenting, all things considered.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 07:34

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 07:29

What's the alternative? Lie? Be a martyr, stay at home for 9 months but be miserable? How does that benefit the baby?

You can be an excellent parent (well, mother, no one judges fathers for not pushing for shared parental leave and going back to work as early as 2 weeks after baby is born) but find the baby stage mind numbing.

Thankfully the baby stage is a very short part of parenting, all things considered.

Show quote history

Yes!! It’s only nine months fgs and bonding with your baby can not be farmed out to other people!!

Your baby has lived inside your body for nine whole months, and needs to establish trust and a secure attachment to a parent - this is absolutely imperative for their development.

Sorry, but I just can not buy into this idea that if you are bored with your baby you just put your own needs first and leave asap. It’s messed up and incredibly selfish! You choose to have a baby - the very darn least you can do is give it your best shot for a few mere months!!!!!!!

ffs

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 07:47

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 07:34

Yes!! It’s only nine months fgs and bonding with your baby can not be farmed out to other people!!

Your baby has lived inside your body for nine whole months, and needs to establish trust and a secure attachment to a parent - this is absolutely imperative for their development.

Sorry, but I just can not buy into this idea that if you are bored with your baby you just put your own needs first and leave asap. It’s messed up and incredibly selfish! You choose to have a baby - the very darn least you can do is give it your best shot for a few mere months!!!!!!!

ffs

Show quote history

It's very possible to go back to work before the standard 9-12 months and bond with them and have a secure attachment with them.

Again, I'm wondering how it would be beneficial for a baby to have a parent at home who is miserable? That isn't benefitting anyone.

queenatom · 08/09/2023 07:57

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 06:13

Well the group were not exactly great leaving you in that way, we have a screamer and everyone took turns rocking him to give his mother - our friend a break. I can well imagine it felt lonely, we had mothers with PND and other issues. A good experience starts and ends with tons of non judgmental support, if you can find that I guarantee it will transform your maternity leave. Especially if they enjoy letting their hair down on Saturday nights!

Show quote history

Them taking the baby wouldn't have made any difference, I couldn't relax knowing that my child was so miserable. The kitchen doesn't stop being on fire just because you close the door and go stand in the garden. They were my responsibility, that's the point of maternity leave, to look after your baby. I didn't enjoy it so I won't be doing it again (and by it, I mean having another baby that I have to look after).

EL8888 · 08/09/2023 08:31

Aaah the martyrs have turned up since l last read this thread. Love the way they are giving the mums grief while the Dad’s get to toddled off to work again. Glad lm not having any more children (we had twins so it’s a big no!), the hypocrisy and sexism around caring for children doesn’t work for me

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 10:51

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 07:47

It's very possible to go back to work before the standard 9-12 months and bond with them and have a secure attachment with them.

Again, I'm wondering how it would be beneficial for a baby to have a parent at home who is miserable? That isn't benefitting anyone.

Show quote history

How in gods name do you bond with a baby that is still newborn if you work full time? Are you planning to take the baby with you?

This is not about YOU.

And whether you are miserable or not for gods sake! You are a fully grown adult and can deal with it for a few months, it’s about putting time love and effort into a vulnerable , and yes needy newborn baby that has just arrived into the world. It’s not about you! This is the one time in your life when putting your needs aside for a short time is essential for the well being of your baby.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 10:52

EL8888 · 08/09/2023 08:31

Aaah the martyrs have turned up since l last read this thread. Love the way they are giving the mums grief while the Dad’s get to toddled off to work again. Glad lm not having any more children (we had twins so it’s a big no!), the hypocrisy and sexism around caring for children doesn’t work for me

I used the word parent for that reason - read my post carefully.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 10:55

This thread is so dispiriting.
It’s the poor me,me me pity club.

Some times in life - having a child is one of those times, that you have to endure hardship in some form or another to fully support and care for a newborn. It’s hard work yes, but to flounce and say it’s ‘boring’ and I can’t be bothered is actually disgraceful.

Badseedmum · 08/09/2023 11:11

My husband has bonded fully with his baby and works full time. I didn't realise mums were different.

It's attitudes and people like Lastchancechica that make it hard for people to get help for post natal depression or be able to speak about how they feel. Telling people they should "deal with it" or they are being self pitying is abhorrent. A few months can feel like a lifetime when you're in the thick of it. Women shouldn't be told how to act or how to feel about motherhood. Just because you wanted to martyr yourself doesn't mean others should at the expense of their own health and wellbeing. How is an unwell mum beneficial to a baby?

xogossipgirlxo · 08/09/2023 11:38

OP, all I can say is solidarity. My son is not even 2 months old and I’m already dreaming about going back to work. I love my son more than anything, honestly I never thought I would love
him more than my husband, but I crave adult company and decent conversation. We didn’t even get into routine yet, because he’s still so young. Every damn baby group in my area
is at 9.00am, when my son is still asleep. I didn’t meet any of my friends, because I was so anxious to leave the house and feed him or change nappy, didn’t invite anyone for coffee, because I was struggling with breastfeeding and had quite serious baby blues. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in a few months, but I really thought I would make great sahm. Now I don’t know how women do it, because I’m staying home only for a year and it feels like eternity. I know he’s my one and done, because I can’t do it again.

Pacificisolated · 08/09/2023 11:39

Oh god yes. I was so sure I wouldn’t want to return from maternity leave but in reality I was so lonely. I loved going to work and catching up with friends (very lucky to work in an industry with lots of women my age/on my wave length) and feeling useful and valued. It did not help that I had my baby end of 2020 so there wasn’t much on due to covid restrictions. I nearly killed myself establishing exclusive breastfeeding (after lots of rubbish advice from well meaning health professionals) and following gentle sleep advice.
I’m pregnant again and this time I will not be spending one minute attached to a breast pump (baby can have formula if they can’t direct BF), I will use a dummy for settling and I have already compiled a list of groups and activities on around me so I have something to do every week day.