To hate parenting?

[StrongUsernameHere]

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully.

I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

Lastchancechica ....... flounce and selfish ?.

I went back to working 12-hour shifts on a Major Trauma Unit in central London !.

My first shift back was desperately trying to keep an 18-year-old female student alive who had been runover by a cement lorry. That she was later ( weeks later ) able to hug her parents and thank us personally must be a measure of my selfishness.

I didn't take 5 "A" levels, followed by hard years of medical study, placements, exams, assessments and being shouted to sit at home, occasionally changing a baby that slept 99% of the time, and throwing a vacuum around.

My "baby" grew up to be a healthy, happy and motivated young woman. She is now a medical student.

I had two more, they are both healthy and well-adjusted teenagers.

I didn't get married just to have kids, there is more to me than that, so I saw no issue in hiring a nanny and pursuing my career.

Also, I was not their only parent. Their father was quite capable, able and willing to look after them too.

If you had bothered to read my post properly you would see I was NOT talking about parents that are unwell, have PND or other difficulties. I was talking about the bored brigade saying they were too bored and cba. Vastly different from parents needing more support, help etc.

You are either being disingenuous or deliberately selective. I am certainly not going to cheerlead a parent that chooses to have a baby, and then decide they are boring and opt out when they are still tiny!

@Lastchancechica oh come on. Nobody is advocating not bonding with your newborn at all. Indeed the OP said in her first post, not that she wished she had gone back to work straightaway, but that she wished she had gone back after six or nine months. That's plenty of time to bond. And if you can manage to work P/T (and no, not all of us get that option) then you can still have plenty of daytime with your kid, it's just not 24/7.

OP. You can totally love your kids but not want to spend all day alone with them! I'm a better mum because I work. It took me a while to not feel guilty about that but it's true! I wasn't in to painting at home and sand play etc but both my kids loved it at nursery. If you are going back to work, you will feel like you again. And you will enjoy your child more when you aren't with them all day - the time becomes more special. Try not to compare yourself to others or worry about what others think. Just be you. Good luck going back to work xx

Why don't you ask men that? They bond with their babies despite often going back to work just 2 weeks after birth.

I don't believe anyone has said that they literally had a baby and then went straight back to work but just talked about going back before the standard 9-12 months.

I went back when DS was 3 months old and it will be the same with this baby too. No regrets and we have an amazing bond, as does DH who went back to work when he was 4 weeks old.

Someone that describes bring with their baby intensely boring and cut short mat leave at 12 weeks or before as a result because they are bored is welcome to feel those things but it is sad especially for the baby let’s not pretend it isn’t!

Yes they spared themselves the boredom but at what cost?

You should read all of the thread, I wasn’t talking about op, we also don’t have to love or even like parenting, but our dc deserve to feel valued, loved and interesting as human beings.

@lastchancechica I think you have me mixed up with another poster - I was off for over a year with both my kids, not 12 weeks.

Different things suit different families. I can't read your mind, and you are entitled to your own views, but it seems like you have trouble coming to terms with that. And as many have said, most men seem to manage to bond with their children, despite few of them taking many weeks or months of early parental leave. (I'm all for them doing so if feasible.)

I'm glad you yourself had a lovely mat leave experience. Everyone should if they can. Not everyone can.

I was judgmental as Chica before I had my own baby and realised how insanely lonely and depressed I am on maternity leave. Having no village isn’t helping! No matter how much I love my son, won’t change how hard I am finding this time. I wish it was different and I want to make the most of it by enjoying my son, I am slowly starting to go back to social circles etc., but still it’s huge shift in life and not everyone waltz into it.

I'm a better parent because I work. Going back to work at 3 months was absolutely the best thing for my DC.

Yes, I could've forced myself to stay at home until 9 months but to use your own words, at what cost? How would having poor mental health be the best thing for my baby? How would DC benefit having a parent at home who is miserable? I still haven't seen an answer for that.

It's perfectly possible to go back at 3 months, 4 months, 6 months etc and have a wonderful bond with DC. Again, ask fathers, they go back to work early of the time without being called selfish.

The baby stage bored me shitless.
I hated every second of it.
Toddlers onwards was so much fun.

It’s all about you.
Whats best for you, what’s interesting for you. What about the actual baby’s needs? The baby doesn’t have the autonomy to choose or even be heard.

As for male bond, you can flame me for saying this but in my very extensive experience over the decades of raising children and all of our friends. It is rare that a bond is as strong as the mothers.

You can scream sexism or whatever but almost always the primary attachment due to breastfeeding and bonding by creating and giving the baby life is with the mother. Certainly in the first year. It is the strongest bond ( usually, all things being well) of all relationships between mother and child, with good reason, to say otherwise is to deny the biology. That is not to say it can’t be 50/50 or special relationships developing between the child and their father.

You keep not answering my question. How would it benefit the baby to stay at home with someone who has poor mental health and is utterly miserable? It benefits the baby more to have someone who works if it makes them a better parent which it absolutely does for me.

Of course it is partly down to sexism. Men often go back to work after 2 weeks with no judgement because it's expected, I imagine they would also be judged less if they stated that they found the baby stage to be boring. Women are expected to love every single minute, sacrifice their careers and their own wants and needs. That isn't biology, that's sexism.

My DC has an incredibly strong bond with both of us. I'm not the primary parent just because I'm the mother and I see that as a very positive thing.

If you have very poor mental health you still have so much to offer your baby, even your scent and tone will be recognised instantly by them. Your baby loves you even if you are unwell, it doesn’t depend on you delivering excellent parenting 247 there is good enough parenting.

If your MH is so bad you couldn’t care for your baby and it wasn’t safe, and work was the only option, of course you must take that route. The safety of your child is essential.

I am sorry you have struggled so much, but if you read my posts my beef is with the bored brigade and certainly not mothers that are mentally unwell.

My MH suffered but it didn't get to the point where it wasn't safe for me to care for DC. Maybe it would have if I had forced myself to take 9 months of maternity leave because that is what mothers 'should' do?

I can be an excellent parent and part of that is because I work.

What do you want me to say? That’s your choice? Good on you?
The love and effort you put in now when they are babies really builds foundations for the future. It’s your choice if you want to.

Which is possible to do without spending 24/7 with your baby. Finding the baby stage to be boring doesn't mean that you love them any less.

I don’t agree

I think you do need to spend time with the baby especially in the early months, which is the whole point of maternity leave! Everyone accepts its better for baby and mothers.

I still spend time with my baby. It just isn't all of my time because I work as well, again, we still have a wonderful bond. It hasn't made any difference at all that I went back after 3 months.

Do they? In some countries, 6-12 weeks of maternity leave is still the standard. I don't think it should be the standard but I don't think women should feel forced to take the 9 months either because it absolutely isn't best for every mother or every baby. It certainly wasn't for me or my baby.

No one is forced to do anything, most parents want to spend time with their young babies, if you didn’t want to, that’s completely up to you.

You won’t know the true strength of the bond for years and years, babies are entirely dependent on you and can’t advocate for themselves at this point but they will soon be vocal in children/teens/adults. Most issues will present much, much later.

I assume you are only having one if it hasn’t been a great experience?

Sounds like your mat leave has been a bit relentless. I did 12 months and was very pleased to go back to work. During my Mat leave I also did an evening class that kept me sane and gave me adult chat.

Love my kids, couldn’t spend all day, everyday with them! I’m a teacher so just had 6 weeks off with them and I was ready to go back to work. Some mums are happy to be at home all day, others need to work. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids if you are the latter, you recognise your limitations and decide to give your kids a smaller amount of you but hopefully a less stressed you.

It like I couldn’t teach primary school but equally primary school teachers say to me they couldn’t teach secondary. People are different but ultimately we all care about the kids.

You are definitely not alone. I hated my first mat leave and just about tolerated the second. I love my kids but am just not a baby person and also I like my job too!

Now the kids are older though I really enjoy spending time with them. Hang in there!!!!

I was told to take as long as your can for maternity but I felt the same as you and went back after 7 months. Returning to work was almost self care for me and being at nursery has done wonders for my DD. I make sure I spend quality time with her everyday, so before work she sits with me whilst I do my make up and she has her own baby creams and clean brushes and we make it a game, then evening we have snuggles and story time. I try and make plans for the weekend so we can get out together and enjoy that time and before work on a Friday we do breakfast together at a local cafe.
Every mum is different but this has been great for me. I just had a week off with my DD and we have been so busy and had a wonderful week but I miss the break that work gives me and I can’t wait to go back Monday. I think motherhood uses a lot of physical energy where as work (for me) uses mental energy and so I need that balance.

if that baby is loved and looked after, you’re still an incredible mum even if you want your career! We are allowed to be something other than a mum, we are allowed to enjoy that and we are allowed to need a break from parenting.

I have a teen and had a surprise pregnancy and now have a 6 month old. I find the baby stage VERY hard because I am perfectionist. Everything still spotless, still be the 100% perfect mum to my eldest and the one in my family who shows up for everyone/everything and quietly suffer. I'm completely shattered. Have found the best way for me is to go straight to our local country park after school drop off and have a walk/feed ducks/swings (her on my knee) and a good walk. Baby doesn't sleep well but will nap for 20 mins in a pushchair after a good play so we enjoy the park together and then i walk. So good for my mental health and great stimulation for my little one and good bonding time. Then i feel like i've already achieved in my day and the rest is a bonus. I am NOT a playgroup mum sadly. I miss adult company but not the playgroup kind which would make life easier.
It's ok not to love this stage. I can still say i'm doing a good job and my baby is so happy and i am completely in love with her but I know i'm better with a toddler. Me and my eldest lived our best life at that age. Parks whatever the weather, swimming, pond dipping, den building. Can't wait for those days and they are worth every tantrum. A little best buddy in my passenger seat. I excel in those days and have done since. I just find baby days rough. Hang in there, you will be great once your babe is older. These days do not define you as a Mum