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Original poster

To hate parenting?

214 replies

StrongUsernameHere · 06/09/2023 15:06

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully.

I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 06/09/2023 21:03

Yep. I’m going back to work after 6 months maternity leave and l can’t wait. Sick of being at home. Sick of the boring monotony of it all, lm constantly busy but then have to do pretty much the same thing the next day. Sick of my husband complaining he does “so much” -it’s me who cares for baby twins 10-12 hours a day all on my own and he wonders why “don’t do more round the house”. Sick of the mindless baby groups and the inane chatter -todays high brow debate was about Co-sleeping. I think they should offer frontal lobotomies in Labour wards to soften the blow of it all

Janedoelondon · 06/09/2023 21:04

I could have written this post myself!

Just returned to work after a year of mat leave and love being back.

I love my baby, but I missed my job - it was a huge part of my identity before my little boy came along, and I am a better person (and mum) when working.

I tried to make my mat leave as active as possible - baby groups, stay and plays, walks, swimming, art classes, you name it. But towards the end, I was so ready to go back. In hindsight I should have listened to my gut and taken 6 months.

I am not unusual in feeling this way, a few of my working friends feel the same. You are not alone! And it does not make you a bad mum!!! I am a much better mother personally with more balance in my life x

Janedoelondon · 06/09/2023 21:05

EL8888 · 06/09/2023 21:03

Yep. I’m going back to work after 6 months maternity leave and l can’t wait. Sick of being at home. Sick of the boring monotony of it all, lm constantly busy but then have to do pretty much the same thing the next day. Sick of my husband complaining he does “so much” -it’s me who cares for baby twins 10-12 hours a day all on my own and he wonders why “don’t do more round the house”. Sick of the mindless baby groups and the inane chatter -todays high brow debate was about Co-sleeping. I think they should offer frontal lobotomies in Labour wards to soften the blow of it all

This!! 10000 percent agree. So glad I am not the only one who finds the conversations beyond dull.

VivaVivaa · 06/09/2023 21:12

DS1 was extremely unsettled baby who cried for most of his waking hours for months on end. While I actually agree with you (I would launch him in the sling, stick headphones in and head off) it took me ages to get the confidence to do this. Parents are judged on how ‘happy’ and settled their babies are. Nobody wants the baby who is always crying. I can well understand mothers wanting to lock themselves and their unsettled babies away rather than leaving themselves open to judgement (perceived or actual) when they are likely already feeling extremely vulnerable.

Edited to add this was in response to @PizzaPizza56

EL8888 · 06/09/2023 21:27

Janedoelondon · 06/09/2023 21:05

This!! 10000 percent agree. So glad I am not the only one who finds the conversations beyond dull.

Show quote history

It’s terrible! Feel free to co-sleep or not Co-sleep -it doesn’t warrant a 30 minute conversation. You do you. Judging other people’s parenting isn’t that high on my wish list.

BasinHaircut · 06/09/2023 21:30

Babies and toddlers are quite dull.

and it’s not that it hard work but it’s relentless.

some people just aren’t built to enjoy it that much (myself included).

it gets better OP.

my son is 10 now and he is great and I would not be without him…….. but I wouldn’t have another child.

Hollybelle83 · 06/09/2023 21:37

Ok so I've never posted before but this post spoke to me!

Absolutely nothing wrong with how you're feeling. Mat leave can be really hard and lonely but it can also be great. It entirely depends on your circumstances, support network, your mental health at the time and I truly believe, the baby you have!

I've done it twice. First time I felt very much like you. Looong days with DH gone from 6am - 7pm in the week. None of my local friends had babies (think that makes a huge difference), family far away. Just the shock of being a first time mum and the angst that goes with it. My DD1 was not a contented baby (preferred to be out and about, on the go like her mum!) and hardly napped in the day at all. I kept sane by arranging activities and meet ups with people every day, preferably twice in a day. I couldn't wait to go back to work and be me again.

Second time was the exact opposite experience. Super chilled baby, great at napping, DH by then working locally and around more. Plus less new mum anxiety. By then DD1 was at school so even on days we did nothing much I had two school run walks to give the day structure, the social fix of chatting to other parents at the gate and a new circle of school parent friends that I made without trying. Plus DD1 after school for company. It made all the difference and I loved it.

It's not you OP. Like others have said, it's a hard stage for some parents but you may love being the parent of an older child. It sounds like you may hate mat leave rather than parenting which is totally reasonable! It will get better.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 06/09/2023 21:42

SillySausage21 · 06/09/2023 15:09

Op I ran to my first day back at work after mat leave and it was my dream to be a mum, but my child was an arsehole 😂 currently pregnant with number 2 & looking forward to this mat leave now I know what to expect.. being a first time parent and not loving every minute is something NOBODY prepares you for - but that's okay! Just find your people and stick with them is my advice! Always he honest about motherhood, you'll be surprised who feels the same and opens up to you! X

Lol this was me as well. Apart from my DD was great. I was just exhausted and bored tbh. But now I have a 6 week old and I'm loving mat leave this time. Your day literally flies by and there isn't enough hours in the day. Don't feel bad.

Moanyoldmoan · 07/09/2023 07:43

It gets better op, I now spend most of my life (eves and weekends) standing beside football pitches listening to other mums say how talented little Tommy is

Februaryschild2023 · 07/09/2023 07:49

EL8888 · 06/09/2023 21:03

Yep. I’m going back to work after 6 months maternity leave and l can’t wait. Sick of being at home. Sick of the boring monotony of it all, lm constantly busy but then have to do pretty much the same thing the next day. Sick of my husband complaining he does “so much” -it’s me who cares for baby twins 10-12 hours a day all on my own and he wonders why “don’t do more round the house”. Sick of the mindless baby groups and the inane chatter -todays high brow debate was about Co-sleeping. I think they should offer frontal lobotomies in Labour wards to soften the blow of it all

Bahahha I know. I basically repeat the phrase 'how old's your little one?' all day long at the group's. I'm sure there must be interesting conversations to be had, but damn me if I can find them

Zanatdy · 07/09/2023 07:50

I hated Mat leave with ds2 (ds1 I was young and lived at home and that was the easiest first year of them all, with both my parents helping out). I took a year and decided with DD to only take 9 months. I was glad to get back to work and into a routine. You’re not alone

EmmaPaella · 07/09/2023 07:54

I didn’t love maternity leave at all so went back to work at six months - part-time. I then loved my days off.

RonObvious · 07/09/2023 07:59

I started working on my PhD again a month after my first was born, and even more quickly after my second. I really needed that brain work! I remember my first day back in the office - the bliss of drinking a hot cup of coffee, and of taking a full hour to sit and eat my lunch. I was fortunate enough to get the best of both worlds really - was able to work from home a lot, but also spend a day or two a week in the office.

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:03

Why on earth would you ever ever ever have another baby if you consider your first to be an ‘arsehole’? Which in itself is a terrible way to describe your own child.

Is it possible you had PND op?
Do you have friends?
Clubs?
Regular breaks?

Don’t have anymore - it certainly doesn’t get easier with multiple children.

MyFetch · 07/09/2023 08:05

You don’t ‘hate parenting’, you hate the isolation and structurelessness of mat leave. I hated every second and returned to work early, after which I started to find being a parent much more enjoyable. I’m not suited to being at home and jobless.

HelpMebeok · 07/09/2023 08:06

The key to maternity leave is spending lots of times with other mums with babies a similar age. That's my opinion anyway it can get very isolated and looking after a little baby all day. In answer to your question there are good mums who like to work full time and good moms who like to stay at home full time.

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:10

Just for what it’s worth, I created plenty of structure and routines that were fun and enjoyable. I met a great set of interesting, well educated friends and we have a late lunch every Friday at someone’s house with a glass of wine and music. We would go out once a month for dinner and drinks,
I loved the baby massage and music clubs. We swam, went for picnics, met lovely people along the way. Long seasonal walks, baby club group for lunch. It was genuinely a wonderful period of my life, the tenderness and cosy evenings. What happened to you that made it such a negative experience?

It’s very sad for the babies of unhappy mothers that can’t wait to leave them. The time together is short and over so soon.

Chiaseedling · 07/09/2023 08:15

Why spend all day alone?
I prob would’ve gone crazy if I’d done that.
I did playgroups, met friends w babies, found new friends, went to shops, etc. Mums need adult interaction and babies need to be socialised!

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:16

You can’t move for baby activities here, I don’t why you would ever stay at home all day.

Bookkeepermum · 07/09/2023 08:16

I was like this with my first. I had 9 months off and couldn't wait to get back to work. I found the days long, boring and isolating.
Now I'm on mat leave with my second and I absolutely love it! I don't want to go back.
It's definitely better with your second.

FoodFann · 07/09/2023 08:32

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:10

Just for what it’s worth, I created plenty of structure and routines that were fun and enjoyable. I met a great set of interesting, well educated friends and we have a late lunch every Friday at someone’s house with a glass of wine and music. We would go out once a month for dinner and drinks,
I loved the baby massage and music clubs. We swam, went for picnics, met lovely people along the way. Long seasonal walks, baby club group for lunch. It was genuinely a wonderful period of my life, the tenderness and cosy evenings. What happened to you that made it such a negative experience?

It’s very sad for the babies of unhappy mothers that can’t wait to leave them. The time together is short and over so soon.

Steady on. You feel sad for our babies. ‘What happened to you?’

Cheers @Lastchancechica really helpful 🙄

I couldn’t afford NCT, haven’t met any of these wonderful wine and walks friends you have met, and when I did go to play group I got hit on by one of the Dads, and completely ignored by the all the Mums. It’s been very lonely.

FoodFann · 07/09/2023 08:34

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:16

You can’t move for baby activities here, I don’t why you would ever stay at home all day.

Because we don’t all live in your town! The local groups to me are over subscribed, they’re are literally waiting list! Or, they are £15 a go. Or they are at nap time, and I need nap time.

SillySausage21 · 07/09/2023 08:42

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 08:03

Why on earth would you ever ever ever have another baby if you consider your first to be an ‘arsehole’? Which in itself is a terrible way to describe your own child.

Is it possible you had PND op?
Do you have friends?
Clubs?
Regular breaks?

Don’t have anymore - it certainly doesn’t get easier with multiple children.

Get a grip. You're acting like I've told her to her face 😂 you don't know what anyone else's baby is like so you can't possibly judge how someone describes them, acting like I dropped the C bomb ffs

Mamai90 · 07/09/2023 08:43

I enjoy parenting but from my daughter was only weeks old I would get us out of the house for basically the whole day. We visited friends and family, went to toddler groups etc. She was a poor sleeper too so staying in all day I'd have really struggled and I would have found it tedious.

My friend had a baby around the same time, she's more naturally maternal than me and would happily stay in all day doing activities, I just couldn't.

It's OK to not love every second of motherhood.

Fishandchipsatthebeach · 07/09/2023 08:53

Hi OP how you feel is normal for lots of women

I had no friends & spent 95% of my mat leave alone with baby (I was new to the area) . It was TOUGH

It’s much much better now DC is 5, she has friends, I am getting there slowly with meeting people, she goes to school and we both have hobbies.