Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
pointythings · 04/09/2023 20:14

You just want different things and you're both quite extreme about it. I'm pretty miuch bang in the middle between you - I want some nice things in life, I want my kids to have good lives, but I'm not competitive and forever climbing the ladder because I'm content with where I am. You could both do with learning from each other.

Foxblue · 04/09/2023 20:16

Happiness is different for different people, I'm really sorry you're having to put up with this attitude, it must be so draining.
Is he a bit of a reverse snob - thinks people who save up to go on nice holidays, go for further education to get a better paying job etc are 'up themselves' or 'think they are better than other'

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/09/2023 20:19

I don't think you're unreasonable. He's a plodder. You're not. Personally I couldn't be with a plodder (and I'm sure I'd drive them insane!) but you married him so you must have realised then and be fine with it. Is it more that you want him to accept you're different to him? He doesn't have to understand but he does need to accept and respect it.

Lentilweaver · 04/09/2023 20:20

Aargh I could not live with him. I am always out- not always spending money- but I would hate being at home gardening. Plenty of time for that when I am 90! Would be like being married to my dad.

DelurkingAJ · 04/09/2023 20:20

I would have no problem that he is content (although a lack of ambition would have been a turn off for me personally when getting married). But you were ok with that. I would have a massive problem that he is trying to clip your children’s wings. It’s the same as ‘oh, it’s not for the likes of you’ - trying to keep everyone at your level no matter what they might aspire to.

AnicecupofBordeaux · 04/09/2023 20:23

What's his job? And yes, it is a bit worrying that he wants to hold the children back.

Lentilweaver · 04/09/2023 20:27

Very worrying. Children should be free to be as ambitious as they want. Imagine having the next Sarah Gilbert and asking her why she is not content with her home and garden!

nobodysdaughternow · 04/09/2023 20:29

He's not content though is he? He wants a SAH wife and children who want to leave school and get a job.

He needs to be content to run his own life and butt out of other people's imo.

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 20:30

He’s not content though is he. If he was he’d not be trying to stop his family soaring. Anyone who does that is far from contented. He doesn’t want to feel he’s left behind, he’s worried about his kids doing better than him, his wife doing better, so he’s trying to control you all.

that’s not contented, it’s a resentful unsuccessful little man.

pickledandpuzzled · 04/09/2023 20:30

Compromise.

It's great to have choices. Your DC need choices, and education will help them with that. Going into debt isn't great if they don't actually want what a degree offers though. Sometimes work is simply better.

You have choices by going to work.

I actually love being at home, don't need to spend much, don't need holidays, am very happy with a good book and my garden and kitchen. I have a nice house though- I'd be less happy if we were cramped.

I work for choices and to feel comfortable spending when I do want to. We'll be able to retire early because we've worked harder than we needed and spent less than we could have. Choices.

pointythings · 04/09/2023 20:37

Shit, I didn't take in the bit about him wanting to clip everyone else's wings. That's not acceptable and he needs telling - you and your DC should be free to fly as much as you want.

Oblomov23 · 04/09/2023 20:43

Sounds horrendous. What does he do as a job? Presumably he's very well paid. Saying that I'm content, happy to be at home.

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 20:49

He “gets very angry if I want more from life”.

Ummmmmmm, I’m sorry, what? Get a divorce. Your husband wants to marry a stack of manila folders, and you are not a stack of manila folders. Get a divorce.

SmallTreeDeepRoots · 04/09/2023 20:52

We have a small life and are very content with it. No doubt it’s irritating to certain other people who feel it’s a moral failing or that the other partner is “holding us back” or controlling the other to stay at their low level. I’m genuinely happy though and have made choices to support my happiness. One of our DC is very driven and we encourage them. Can’t imagine wanting to clip their wings. We made our choices and now they will make theirs. It is enough for me to know that they have been part of our lifestyle and have experienced it. They can always change course if societal success is not so attractive once they have made it.

Original poster
wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:53

He has had the same job since he was 16 but has had several promotions. He wants to retire at 60 - 55 if he can so he can enjoy having time to garden, walk and tinker on his cars. He is exceptionally money savvy but most of that is because he doesn't spend any of it - it literally goes on bills and food and any spare is saved. He has never had a credit card or any debt and basically he is happy without a holiday, new clothes or a meal out he finds it hard to understand why I want more from life. When we met 20 years it was his down to earthness and the fact he was so happy just being him with no airs and graces that drew me to him - he was like a breath of fresh air.

I have getting a bit tired lately with working and sorting the kids out but his answer to that is that I don't need to work if I didn't spend money on seeing friends, clothes,and make up we could survive easily on his wage and life would be simpler because all the chores would be done during the week instead of trying to fit everything in at the weekend. I have suggested me working full time and him being the SAHP but he earns alot more than me and we couldn't survive on my wage alone.

I just think we want different things from life and like one of the above posters said we need to compromise but compromise is hard because he won't spend money and although I certainly don't fritter it away my wages pay for my clothes and kids activities which is another thing he hates paying out for. A football, trampoline and paddling pool in the garden should suffice. I like enjoying life and I can't be content with the same things as him.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 04/09/2023 20:54

But in this case the OPs husband wants her to quit work and stop spending money. He sounds controlling.

Lentilweaver · 04/09/2023 20:57

With your update, he sounds incredibly boring. No meals out, no holidays, no activities for the kids? I wouldn't be content either.

AnIndianWoman · 04/09/2023 21:03

He sounds quite controlling. I think you probably do need to plan leaving if you’re so unhappy. I can’t imagine him making anyone happy

MidnightOnceMore · 04/09/2023 21:03

He is allowed his approach but it's not fair for him to try to change you.

Some acceptance is healthy, constantly wanting more is not a path to happiness. But wanting something instead of the bare minimum is normal and positive.

pickledandpuzzled · 04/09/2023 21:06

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:53

He has had the same job since he was 16 but has had several promotions. He wants to retire at 60 - 55 if he can so he can enjoy having time to garden, walk and tinker on his cars. He is exceptionally money savvy but most of that is because he doesn't spend any of it - it literally goes on bills and food and any spare is saved. He has never had a credit card or any debt and basically he is happy without a holiday, new clothes or a meal out he finds it hard to understand why I want more from life. When we met 20 years it was his down to earthness and the fact he was so happy just being him with no airs and graces that drew me to him - he was like a breath of fresh air.

I have getting a bit tired lately with working and sorting the kids out but his answer to that is that I don't need to work if I didn't spend money on seeing friends, clothes,and make up we could survive easily on his wage and life would be simpler because all the chores would be done during the week instead of trying to fit everything in at the weekend. I have suggested me working full time and him being the SAHP but he earns alot more than me and we couldn't survive on my wage alone.

I just think we want different things from life and like one of the above posters said we need to compromise but compromise is hard because he won't spend money and although I certainly don't fritter it away my wages pay for my clothes and kids activities which is another thing he hates paying out for. A football, trampoline and paddling pool in the garden should suffice. I like enjoying life and I can't be content with the same things as him.

That makes it sound like he isn't pulling his weight in paying the children's expenses. That's not on.

girlfriend44 · 04/09/2023 21:06

No meals out, does he do all.the cooking then, or does he expect all his meals cooked?

Loopytiles · 04/09/2023 21:06

I bet you do ‘need’ to work for your personal economic security now and in the future (pension etc)

Does he really want you to reduce your security so that he doesn’t need to do his fair share of ferrying the DC around etc?

pickledandpuzzled · 04/09/2023 21:07

If he isn't prepared to compromise, and it's impacting the rest of the family, you could suggest it's cheaper than divorce...

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 04/09/2023 21:07

Him wanting to stay at home on its own isn't a problem. You want different things, that's all

But the fact he wants you to give up your job, not spend money and discourage his children from university hints towards some concerning controlling behaviour

YukoandHiro · 04/09/2023 21:08

Whatever you do, don't quit your job.