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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
ferretface · 06/09/2023 18:24

It's not normal to begrudge swimming lessons! Learning to swim is a safety thing if nothing else.

Mayla · 06/09/2023 18:47

I think I might have a different perspective OP. I don't quite agree with PPs who say your husband is controlling. I think that he sees life in a way that absolutely makes things simpler—want less, need less. What he doesn't realize (or maybe chooses not to realize) is that you aren't like that and the kids may not be like that in the future. So, preventing them from going onto higher education would not be the path they choose for themselves as they may choose to have a more materially-rich life.

As a 45-year old, if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would absolutely choose the life, and even go a step further, than your DH. I would deliberately step away from as many material possessions and go towards a very spiritual life.
I frequently advise my own kids about the dangers of falling into the rat race trap. But that doesn't mean I'm going to whisk them away to live off-grid and teach them to grown their own vegetables rather than go off to university. Because it is their own life and they must decide.

I actually wish most people were like your DH—wouldn't life be so much simpler if nobody strived for more and more? We'd have time for each other and ourselves, wouldn't need to be working so much and stressing so much.

Unfortunately, that utopia doesn't exist and our current system runs on capitalism. Although your DH may be well-intentioned, I think he does need to realize that his kids may want things that he never did.

All the very best 🌺

wannabetraveler · 06/09/2023 19:01

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 20:30

He’s not content though is he. If he was he’d not be trying to stop his family soaring. Anyone who does that is far from contented. He doesn’t want to feel he’s left behind, he’s worried about his kids doing better than him, his wife doing better, so he’s trying to control you all.

that’s not contented, it’s a resentful unsuccessful little man.

I completely agree and couldn't stand to be married to someone like him.

user1485851222 · 06/09/2023 19:03

I'm experiencing similar, both semi retired, soon to be fully. Hubby a real homebody, would stay in most days & nights. I love socialising and going out. His idea of going out is literally 2 hrs, 5-7 or 7-9. He wouldn't have another holiday, if it wasn't for me. So I know he goes on holiday and days/nights out because I want to. Just have to compromise if everything else is fine. If there are other issues, we'll that's another post.....

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 19:09

ferretface · 06/09/2023 18:24

It's not normal to begrudge swimming lessons! Learning to swim is a safety thing if nothing else.

Only the most abusive and controlling of men who couldn't care less about their children would refuse a critical safety skill like swimming.

There is a reason schools often do them during school hours if they have a pool close by.

They are very important.

sydneyinsummer · 06/09/2023 19:39

Sounds like the same relationship between me and my DM. I am you and my DM is your DH. I really struggle to spend time together as we see the world so differently and I end up frustrated with her. She is also the same with spending, will not even buy a coffee when she is out. I definitely couldn’t marry someone with that attitude towards life/spending money.

CherryMaDeara · 06/09/2023 19:44

Funny how he think you should give up work. Surely if he wants an easy life he would suggest staying home himself.

He wants to clip your wings.

Don’t hide away at home forever, if he won’t compromise, dump him, and get half of money he is has been hoarding like a miser.

Hammy65 · 06/09/2023 19:49

I personally think your husband sounds like an absolute gem. Bit of careful navigation in terms of your children’s future and their expectations as that’s important- but he sounds like a pretty good dad and lovely man. X

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/09/2023 20:12

@Hammy65

how do you work that one out?!

RoadLess · 06/09/2023 20:28

Hammy65 · 06/09/2023 19:49

I personally think your husband sounds like an absolute gem. Bit of careful navigation in terms of your children’s future and their expectations as that’s important- but he sounds like a pretty good dad and lovely man. X

A gem who gets ‘very angry’ if the OP wants to do anything other than ‘potter’ at home? And whose preference for a dull, hassle-free life because it’s cheap the OP needs to ‘carefully navigate’ in order for her children to get to university?

Total gem.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/09/2023 20:29

It is fantastic that you take the kids out to do things they are interested in. These are things that will help them in job interviews and generally improve their socialising and getting on with people..

They are teenagers and the next few years will pass in the blink of an eye.

So DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB!!! Keep up with your friends and interests. Don't give up on any of these things just because your DH isn't interested in them.
Also, if he's a real tightwad with the kids then at least you can help give them opportunities if you retain control of your own finances.

changeme4this · 06/09/2023 20:36

Sounds like he needs an employee rather than a partner…

Alwaysintheway · 06/09/2023 21:15

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 20:30

He’s not content though is he. If he was he’d not be trying to stop his family soaring. Anyone who does that is far from contented. He doesn’t want to feel he’s left behind, he’s worried about his kids doing better than him, his wife doing better, so he’s trying to control you all.

that’s not contented, it’s a resentful unsuccessful little man.

This for sure

Heb1996 · 06/09/2023 21:34

@wendall456 if he’s so content why is he so angry?? He should be happy for you to live your life the way you want. Same goes for the kids. I would hate my kids to be restricted in any way and have always encouraged them to go as far as they can in whatever they choose to do. He sounds like he resents the choices you all make and tries to control what you do. That doesn’t sound like a contented man to me. Does it you??

Stompythedinosaur · 06/09/2023 22:08

Surely if he's earning well he isn't stupid enough to be unable to understand that different people are different? And that stimulation is important for your dc's development? One of the things he is meant to desire is your happiness.

I think you are overworked because He isn't doing his share of the parenting.

Birdy8 · 06/09/2023 22:12

If you’re still unclear after all this advice, try marriage counselling, it’s expensive but it sounds like the money is there. He will probably start to wake up and take you seriously if you suggest this.

Mememe1234 · 06/09/2023 22:51

diddl · 05/09/2023 07:14

If he sees you so stressed-why isn't he helping?

Maybe because she’s decided to do all these kids activities not him so why does he need to be stressing himself out over something he doesnt need to do

Mememe1234 · 06/09/2023 22:56

Alwaysintheway · 06/09/2023 21:15

This for sure

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to stop them but just doesn’t see the need and can’t be asked. Some people genuinely can’t be asked to do much but it’s interesting how he got promoted lots and is earning a lot more than OP. Has anyone thought that maybe he’s burnt out from work too and tired and just wants a more simple life? A lot of people are so quick to say he’s controlling her when in fact he’s giving her a “way out”.
My husband is also pretty “boring” in that he’s happy to not go on holiday, do activities etc he’s contented but he is ambitious and wants to push the kids to do better but he wouldn’t force them either and let them do what makes them happy. He’s offered me a “way out” too but like OP even if I earn less than him I wouldn’t want to not work as I still earn a lot and I enjoy working and having financial freedom

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 06/09/2023 22:57

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 20:30

He’s not content though is he. If he was he’d not be trying to stop his family soaring. Anyone who does that is far from contented. He doesn’t want to feel he’s left behind, he’s worried about his kids doing better than him, his wife doing better, so he’s trying to control you all.

that’s not contented, it’s a resentful unsuccessful little man.

This

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 06/09/2023 23:00

@Mememe1234

Because the kids like them and he's their parent? Why should the kids suffer because he lacks ambition?

Mememe1234 · 06/09/2023 23:07

Mayla · 06/09/2023 18:47

I think I might have a different perspective OP. I don't quite agree with PPs who say your husband is controlling. I think that he sees life in a way that absolutely makes things simpler—want less, need less. What he doesn't realize (or maybe chooses not to realize) is that you aren't like that and the kids may not be like that in the future. So, preventing them from going onto higher education would not be the path they choose for themselves as they may choose to have a more materially-rich life.

As a 45-year old, if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would absolutely choose the life, and even go a step further, than your DH. I would deliberately step away from as many material possessions and go towards a very spiritual life.
I frequently advise my own kids about the dangers of falling into the rat race trap. But that doesn't mean I'm going to whisk them away to live off-grid and teach them to grown their own vegetables rather than go off to university. Because it is their own life and they must decide.

I actually wish most people were like your DH—wouldn't life be so much simpler if nobody strived for more and more? We'd have time for each other and ourselves, wouldn't need to be working so much and stressing so much.

Unfortunately, that utopia doesn't exist and our current system runs on capitalism. Although your DH may be well-intentioned, I think he does need to realize that his kids may want things that he never did.

All the very best 🌺

100% agree with this. So many people are jumping on the man saying he’s controlling.
we have become such a materialistic world. What’s wrong with some people wanting a more simple life. It’s looked down upon if you don’t have ambition, don’t want to progress etc… some people just genuinely want to live a slower pace life. The OP said that he’s seen family members getting run to the ground. He also works until 9pm so he must have a fairly stressful/ intense job. The OP doesn’t need to work as he makes enough money for them except that he doesn’t want to spend it on lots of extra curriculars. I’ve noticed that in the uk everyone seems to want their kids doing activities every day 😅 where I’m from we didn’t have that level of pressure to always be doing stuff. The weekends used to be about spending time as a family and not going to yet another course even if I have to admit I do take my kids to weekends classes but mainly because I want to get a break from them too 😅

Mememe1234 · 06/09/2023 23:10

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 06/09/2023 23:00

@Mememe1234

Because the kids like them and he's their parent? Why should the kids suffer because he lacks ambition?

There’s no mention if the kids like it rather than OP getting them to do classes.
If they enjoy doing the classes it sounds like he would be fine with it but sometimes kids don’t even want to do all those classes. I take my son swimming at the weekend and he often tells me he’d rather be at home playing video games but it’s something that I’ve organised for him

Greenberg2 · 06/09/2023 23:52

Mememe1234 · 06/09/2023 23:10

There’s no mention if the kids like it rather than OP getting them to do classes.
If they enjoy doing the classes it sounds like he would be fine with it but sometimes kids don’t even want to do all those classes. I take my son swimming at the weekend and he often tells me he’d rather be at home playing video games but it’s something that I’ve organised for him

Show quote history

The reason people think he's controlling is because he gets angry if the OP discusses it; because he wants the OP to come round to his point of view, rather than just living his best life, and because he's trying to get the OP to give up work when she doesn't want to. All of these are potential red flags.

What your teenager enjoys is completely irrelevant.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2023 00:08

The kids plan to go to university and he’s upset about that and them wanting so much out of life instead of just settling down to a job and that’s it straight away. He doesn’t want any of this because it’s best for the kids.

TheNightTroll · 07/09/2023 00:08

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