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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
beautifuldaytosavelives · 07/09/2023 00:40

What’s he saving it for? I feel suffocated just reading your posts, OP.

FictionalCharacter · 07/09/2023 02:24

You’re not really compatible and although PPs are right in that the answer is (or could be) compromise, that isn’t working for you because he won’t compromise - he just wants you to live the way he wants. I couldn’t do that. What you’re asking for isn’t a life of extravagance and luxury, it’s just a quite normal, modest level of treats and enjoyment, and he doesn’t want you to have it.

Some parents are short of money but do what they can for their kids. Your dh wants to deprive them of things for no good reason.

Grumpy101 · 07/09/2023 02:24

He sounds miserable. His version of a happy life sounds joyless and boring. YOU HAVE ONE LIFE! That's it. No second chances. Do you really want to waste it doing absolutely nothing? Fuck that. He sounds borderline controlling actually. Not sure he's that happy, more like he wants you all under his roof so he can be the big man of the house.

Hairbal · 07/09/2023 02:43

just tell him you and the kids enjoy uni/seeing friends/looking nice/eating out. It enriches your life and you’d be climbing the walls bored living the way he does.

Mamma2017 · 07/09/2023 05:23

Sorry OP but he sounds soul crushingly boring. and like he’s trying to limit & stifle everyone around him too. Does he really want to lie on his death bed knowing he didn’t even try and live a life beyond the 4 walls of his house? How depressing

Wallywobbles · 07/09/2023 05:36

I'd be worried about what retirement. What would you like yours to look like?

changeme4this · 07/09/2023 06:43

We are currently exploring our retirement options and if anything each of us is bringing new ideas to the table which encourages further discussion/change of plans but doing those together.

maybe your time with this person has reached its use by date and you both move on as to how each of you want to live, but just not together…

MushMonster · 07/09/2023 06:50

I think it is not content what your husband is expressing, but lack of drive, ambition or laziness.
I am content, I like a simple life. I came back from work yesterday, sat in the garden for dinner and had some wine. And I was the happiest person ever.
But this of getting annoyed to striving for a better education or personal outcome is not it. Making peace easily with a lesser mark than expected, knowing you did your best, and feeling happy you worked hard for it is contentment. Not wanting to bother trying is a different thing....

Tapasita · 07/09/2023 06:55

My dad is like this!! My poor mum has put up with his no-spending crap all her life. He’s a tight fisted git who hates putting his hand in his pocket. Never paid for the kids activities, never spent a dime unless it was on something of value to himself.

She’s still married to him. OP I hate to tell you this but it’s because he’s a penny pinching miser. Retirement with someone like that is going to be very tough on you

Tapasita · 07/09/2023 06:57

My advice to you is don’t give up your job. The children will ultimately resent him unfortunately for trying to stop them experiencing things - but that’s a problem of his own making I’m afraid. What on earth does he expect them to do? Stay home and tend house & garden like his good little wifey? FFS I’d not be hanging around

sandgrown · 07/09/2023 07:05

My ex got like this and I knew retirement with him would be sitting around watching TV . He didn’t even have any hobbies or friends of his own. I loved to go out , meet friends and go on holiday. He did these things if I paid and he quite enjoyed them but I became tired of arranging everything. The gap was too wide and we separated.

lking12 · 07/09/2023 07:07

If he’s so relaxed why is he getting angry about things like swimming lessons or the things you want to do?
how old are the children? Will they get more independent soon?

if you want to go on holiday is he happy to come? If not do you have friends you can holiday with? Would he be annoyed if you went away without him? I’m just seeing a lonely boring life as the kids get older and you get near and into retirement given you don’t seem to have a similar outlook.

I would challenge him when he gets annoyed saying these things are important to you and the kids and if you’re paying for it it’s not worth him getting upset about.
But do have a think how you’ll cope with this difference as you get older, having a fun circle of friends may save your sanity!

Nina1013 · 07/09/2023 07:27

I just wanted to add something from a child’s perspective. Your husband sounds EXACTLY like my dad (my dad did take us on nice holidays but always controlled by him and with a very strict budget when there) but my dad is a lot older so my mum was a SAHM.

It meant she had no say. It meant she couldn’t contribute to things she wanted to, and he wouldn’t fork out for (activities etc).

He wanted me to do well but remain under his control. But now I’ve done really well, he doesn’t like it. He’s a bubbling, festering mess of resentment and barely concealed (sometimes/mostly just not concealed) anger that I’ve dared to better him. I don’t need him financially and my choices are my own. He’s got so, so, so much worse the better I have done in life and honestly he’s vile.

My advice is to get out because I have spent many years resenting my mum for not leaving him, and it’s only been the last year or so that I’ve been able to mentally make my peace with her and see she was/is trapped and a victim.

Bunnycat101 · 07/09/2023 07:35

Is he into the FIRE movement? There are a lot of people who seem to take that to a bit of an extreme (ie spending as little as possible to retire early). In some ways though he isn’t wrong- if you can enjoy a simpler life, things are probably less stressful. I’m not that person and by the sounds of it you aren’t either.

Have you ever been on holiday as a family? It sounds like you’ve pushed to enable the kids to do activities but couldn’t tell from the posts whether you’ve had to push for days out etc all the time too.

The bit that intrigues me though is the fact that he must have some ambition if he’s working until 9 and out earns you.

changeme4this · 07/09/2023 08:59

Slightly ott but I was reading an article today about a partner controlling the spending budget so the female OH was unable to leave the house as she had no access to period products…

this reminded me of our former neighbours. He was a total control freak and if I was talking to her, he would be there and tell her to ‘come on’ and leave the conversation. Later heard from one of her work buddies she was allowed x amount to top up her car, enough to get to work and back that day. Was frequently late getting to work because she had to ‘top up’ for the day…

do you want to go down this track?

Scaredycatttt · 07/09/2023 09:02

There is a difference between living a simple life and being a hermit. I do a low paid, low stress job. I don't own fancy things or go on fancy holidays and I am happy that way. I do however go out for meals, take the kids out and do a cheap uk holiday etc. There's some big red flags here.

Seaside3 · 07/09/2023 09:11

Isn't it funny, the things that once attracted us the most often become the things that we despise the most. He was probably attracted to your ambition to begin with too.

The older I get, the more I realise that a lot of relationships just have a 'use by date. It's not hatred, just a gentle growing apart. One day you have to decide of you want to try to come back together, but that requires work from both, or if the time has come to acknowledge things are different and graciously move on.

Life would be easier, in my opinion, if this was more accepted in every day life.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 07/09/2023 09:31

I couldn’t live like this.

That said, though, I wonder if some of the criticisms of him on here would made of a woman. Money is what buys experiences and opportunities for children - we all know that. But adults decide to downsize their lives in order to work less and therefore earn less all the time. That is in effect clipping your kids’ wings - they’d have more opportunities and experiences if you earned more, that’s just a fact. I always see posts on here where women say ‘we live a small life so I can be a SAHM.’ I’ve seen women on here say their kids won’t get any help with driving lessons or university - they can earn the money themselves - so that they themselves can remain SAHMs. And that’s fine, that’s a decision they’ve made. I’m guilty of it - I work 4 days a week when I could work 5. My kids would have more opportunities and experiences if I worked 5 days but I work 4 for my quality of life.

I just wonder whether the reaction to this would be the same if it wasn’t a man, whom we traditionally view as required to provide, behaving in this way.

chaosmaker · 07/09/2023 12:06

Money vs burnout though, doesn't make you a better parent IMO

user1497864954 · 07/09/2023 12:20

I think the OPs husband is getting a bit of a rough ride here. The OP stated in initial post or update that her husband has remained in the same line of work but had secured a number of promotions. So he's not just sat in the same job he did in his 20s.
He has seen burn out of a sibling through trying to do it all and it sounds as though the OP does a lot of facilitating the children doing things and then moans about how tired she is.
Less than 50 % of young people in UK got to Uni so her husband's view that leaving school and entering work can't be so out of the norm.
I do suspect that they have grown apart and now each want different things from life. The husband doesn't seem to have changed. The OP admits that it was the values her husband has that attracted her to him in the first place. I think the OP needs to decide if she wishes to remain in the relationship but the husband seems to have been very consistent in his view of life and the condemnation on here is pretty unpleasant.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/09/2023 13:29

My DH and I both love a simple life. We can't manage on one salary, even though we both earn well: kids, mortgage, cost of living etc. But both of us would still do something work wise anyway because we like the independence and mental stimulation from it.

Aside from that, we like to cook, we like to garden, watch TV together, walk the dog, play with the DC etc. Neither of us is massively bothered about clothes and material stuff but we do have nice things, which we can afford because of the simple life.

So many people our age don't understand it. We still go out, take DC to the zoo, sealife, theatre etc but it's a few "big" things a year and the rest of the time is simple. Not everyone is happy like that. And that's fine, each to their own.

The issue you have is that you knew this when you met him. You knew it when you married him. You chose him and a life with him knowing this is how he wants to live. If that's not the life you wanted, you have to choose what to do now. Do you accept that this is how your life is, or do you make the changes you want? What do they look like?

Luckyduc · 07/09/2023 14:05

This is my husband! We are so different....but I just crack on and don't ask him for advice or his opinion and I book holidays and days out without even asking if he wants to go....😂. He can plod away and I just life my life

Justneedagirlname · 07/09/2023 14:06

He can do whatever he wants but his crab in a bucket mentality I would find very off putting. If he is not interested in things outside the home, noone is allowed to be and he doesn’t want
the kids to do better than him - yuck.
re swimming lessons- unbelievable.
sorry he is just a stingy miser, and jealous one too - far from a happy content person

Heb1996 · 07/09/2023 14:24

@Luckyduc separately.

Annemaria · 07/09/2023 14:25

Sounds just like my husband (now retired). We never have holidays or go out to eat; he never suggests any outings at all, even to see our grandchildren. I discovered that he had been salting money away in his account for years ( he would never allow a joint account) while I was buying all the household stuff, eg washing machines etc myself. He tries to get me to pay for all the food, even though I am on a small pension, sulks when I ask him to get me a newspaper even. His mother was the same, what my wise old mother would call small parcels. It’s not that I expect diamond necklaces for my birthday, but usually he reluctantly gives me some money. And I have to wring out of him contributions for birthday presents for or children & grandchildren. I often ask him if he cares how people will remember him - but he doesn’t care. Phew, got that off my chest.