AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

[wendall456]

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

Is DH a very introverted person? Does he have friends who he sees regularly? Or does he enjoy spending most of his time at home alone?

If he truly felt like that, he'd be happy to become a SAHP. Money is a need, he knows that but he clearly means that life would be easier for him if you quit work because it would mean you wouldn't get stressed or tired, would probably not expect him to pull his weight much and he'd be able to push his agenda on to you and the kids more.

He isn't content. He's controlling.

Right. So either he can just "potter" and you work and do everything for the kids (and presumably him?) or his solution is you give up all luxuries and financial security and effectively become a servant to him when the kids leave home soon as you'll be entirely dependent on him financially...

Clever trick to shrug his shoulders and sidestep the fact that it doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight in the household and is pushing the blame for that onto you as "your choice", the underlying assumption being the house and children are your responsibility to sort and then it's up to you whether you want to fit in a job around that to have income and work and a life outside the house. 🙄 How manipulative.

Tell him you will continue working and that he needs to do his share of household and child-related tasks or the marriage is over.

You have different tastes. Yanbu, and certainly not to want to offer your dcs more. I would find his preferences pretty dull too. It sounds like you have outgrown each other.

It sounds like the two of you have very different ideas about how to live well - but while you're content to let him do his stuff his way, he wants to control both his choices and yours. Unless he snaps out of it, I don't see a happy future.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier. This part really confused me; I initially thought he was already a SAHP and was trying to convince you that if the family lived more simply you both could SAH. Maybe if you really wanted to SAH but thought you can't afford to, his trying to convince you you can could be benign/for your benefit (from his point of view). But otherwise it's weird/creepy. Why doesn't he SAH if it's so important?

Fine to keep working but I can't be moaning I am tired. Um, NO. I genuinely like my job and have no desire to leave it except for a more interesting, higher-paying position in the same field - but yeah, it's tiring at times. I think almost every job is, including SAHP. But he can't be making rules about what you can and can't say and about what you must do to be allowed to express your opinion. You're not his child, his employee, or his servant.

You know it's going to get worse when your DC leave home? When it's just the two of you how will you cope? You will be so lonely in your marriage....

If you gave up work would he give you access to his wages?
Stay at work and tell him to pull his finger out at home.

My first husband was like this...we married when I was 21, he was 23...and like my mother said afterwards, he was the most middle-aged man of 23 she'd ever met!

He'd got really good A levels and his parents thought he was going to university...instead he worked as a labourer for 2 years and then joined an emergency service. He'd been working for about 6 months when we met when I was 17. After the stressful and chaotic childhood I had had he was like a breath of fresh air - steady and reliable. Sadly it was only when we'd married and started living together that I realised he was actually pretty boring - like your husband, he was happy just pottering around the house and garden...and his allotment (yes he had an allotment at just 22). Never wanted to go on holiday, never spent money, never wanted to go for meals out, etc. He was like a carbon copy of his father...but his father was 58 at the time!

Final straw for me was after 2 and a half years like this, when I'd had a big sobbing breakdown in front of him, complaining that we never spent quality time together, never went anywhere or did anything outside the house together...and his response was to start volunteering with the Scouts, meaning he was out of the house even more. 6 months later I left and we divorced. I've never regretting leaving for even a second.

It’s so hard to make a judgement about a complex situation based on a post. But it sounds like he doesn’t see you as a person. I hear “wife” “parent” etc. but not you as an autonomous being with needs, dreams, desires, etc. I think it’s important to maintain a sense of identity outside of being a mother and all that. You have to compromise in a relationship, but if you’re compromising everything it’s not really a relationship, it’s a one way street. I couldn’t be content with that. I recently let go of a 35 year friendship because it felt one way for so long. It’s sad, but I feel so much better. I’m not insinuating you leave him, just stressing the importance of give & take. DH sounds selfish and close minded. I think you should stand up for yourself, and do what you want. If he can’t handle that, why would he want to be married to you then? It doesn’t make sense to keep someone in a box and also say they love/support them. It sounds more like using someone for what they can do for them.

I find it interesting that you talk about money so much. You dont give me the impression that he is tight, just that he doesnt put much importance on spending money. But you clearly do.

Why does it matter so much? Imo, and this really is just my opinion, he is right that money isnt the be all and end all.

Also, nothing wrong with discontent. It’s a sign of wanting more out of life. I’m forever looking forward to the next thing and constantly changing, it’s how I thrive. Money is just a tool to live, it’s not something to live for.

When you meet and marry so young; a lot of growing, learning and shaping proceeds. You've evolved into your own person and he's content being him as he was at 16. You sound like opposites. His non spending ways are not appropriate for a wife or a family. Divorce is not an answer immediately. You both need to go back to drawing board, and have a hearty discussion about what each of you genuinely wants out of life. Give it time to see if compromises can be made, without feeling suffocated, and you'll naturally come to a better place and relationship, or a place where you accept your relationship has run it's course. Marriage is what we want. Parenting is what we want for our children. Both need to be explored.

Sounds like yet another controlling DH who is dressing up his controlling, mysogynistic behaviours as being for OP and DCs own good.

Clipping the DCs wings is unforgivable. Activities enrich and broaden their lives. He is simply ducking out of his responsibilities as their father and trying to make it look like he is somehow superior for doing so. Grim.

Neither of you is wrong. You want different things, different lifestyles. I tend to be more like your husband, I am a homebody and love to putter and work on my house and garden. I’m probably in the middle of you two. It does seem like you’re both on extreme ends.

are not is, it’s late!

@wendall456 Tell him that you are very content with your decision to have ambition, goals, an interesting life. And you want him to respect that.

However, his contentment at living a simple life is no excuse for opting out of parenting responsibilities. He should do the right thing and do his fair share of the ferrying the children around to their activities and other parenting responsibilities.

And if he doesn’t like it, then he needs to learn how to be content with being a responsible parent and a loving and supportive husband.

Yes, jealous, insecure and controlling.
Keep that woman down. Keep your job, continue to blossom, this is no life, but you can change it. And as a pp said, can you even imagine it when he is retired.

Keep your job, keep your friends and activities and keep encouraging your children to strive. The world has changed a lot - not many people manage to enter a job at 16 now and stay there their whole working lives.

Be prepared for just how dull and boring miserly he will be when the children leave home/he retires. If he doesn’t want to spend money now, while it’s still coming in, then what do you think it’ll be like when he sees he has a finite pot?

You are not compatible! It would be better to set yourself free to enjoy your one and only life.

I hope he knows that his way and views aren't always right and that other people aren't him.

Does he do anything at home? Chores? Cooking? Laundry?Or is that all in you too.

You’re just incompatible. Neither of you is wrong - the only thing wrong here is to try to change the other person. He needs to let you be

It’s a balance.practice contentment and gratitude with life but also some of the real beauty to life is wanting to experience things. When you can learn and grow and move.

has he had a bereavement or experience with death? That can make you realise a safe home and garden is everything.

When he retires at 55 is he going to potter in the garden or do ALL the housework?
Are you exhausted because you are doing everything at work, with the kids at home?

If he’s so into the simple life I assume at 55 he will be growing his own organic vegetables, having home made food on the table for you (so you never have to eat out) and making sure the house is spotless for you and the kids so your home life is stress free.

Nail on head.

“And if he doesn’t like it, then he needs to learn how to be content with being a responsible parent and a loving and supportive husband.”

Ugh he sounds both controlling and dull - never wanting to go on holidays, do nice things with mates, anti you buying nice new clothes and makeup - nah!

Stand firm OP. And ignore other posters - you do NOT need to compromise