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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 07/09/2023 14:30

Do he expect you to do the cooking?

Sarels · 07/09/2023 14:44

Im sorry but what screams to me about him he is tight , and boring tbh like an old man but then not all old men are like him . Personally being tight with money doesn’t sit well with me it’s a traight I don’t like in someone , whatever you do don’t give up your job . He needs to man up and pay more towards activities … and not store all his money like a tight ass … can’t do nothing with it when we gone so enjoy it whilst you’re alive .

Heb1996 · 07/09/2023 16:23

@Annemaria I’m really sorry. What a miserable existence. Has he always been like this? It sounds intolerable and I wouldn’t live like it. You don’t have to either. I would see a solicitor for advice on divorcing him. You would get half or more of everything that he’s deprived you of to salt away in his bank account. Then you could be financially independent and live your life how you want and enjoy the rest of it without being controlled by him I’m sure your family would support you in this. Good luck and hope for the future.

jolaylasofia · 07/09/2023 22:09

i’m just wondering what you need to sort out for the kids as you say they are teenagers and thinking about uni…what activities are you running them to? i mean i don’t agree with him about being a SAHP but are you running yourself ragged and not giving yourself any down time?

Scrumps81 · 08/09/2023 20:40

My partner went through a long phase of this before he was diagnosed with diabetes and depression, it was very tough for us all so i really do sympathise. I dont know if your DH has always been like this or if its new behaviour but could be an underlying health issue for him if its new or different

ImustLearn2Cook · 09/09/2023 02:37

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 07/09/2023 09:31

I couldn’t live like this.

That said, though, I wonder if some of the criticisms of him on here would made of a woman. Money is what buys experiences and opportunities for children - we all know that. But adults decide to downsize their lives in order to work less and therefore earn less all the time. That is in effect clipping your kids’ wings - they’d have more opportunities and experiences if you earned more, that’s just a fact. I always see posts on here where women say ‘we live a small life so I can be a SAHM.’ I’ve seen women on here say their kids won’t get any help with driving lessons or university - they can earn the money themselves - so that they themselves can remain SAHMs. And that’s fine, that’s a decision they’ve made. I’m guilty of it - I work 4 days a week when I could work 5. My kids would have more opportunities and experiences if I worked 5 days but I work 4 for my quality of life.

I just wonder whether the reaction to this would be the same if it wasn’t a man, whom we traditionally view as required to provide, behaving in this way.

In none of your examples is the woman telling her husband to leave his job and become completely financially dependent on her.

Do you really think that people would respond differently if it was a woman who did that?

lul37 · 09/09/2023 19:12

Haven’t read the whole thread yet but just wanted to say I agree completely with other posters who say to keep your job. My DH sounds similar to yours (minus not wanting the kids to go to Uni), and has a different lifestyle preference to me. He also doesn’t like spending money on outings, activities, holidays or working towards getting a bigger nicer house for our growing kids. All he wants to do is just regularly go for dinner at my MIL 😳

Sadly I’ve been a SAHM for years prioritizing raising our kids myself while he worked full time and got promoted, so now he thinks he gets to call the shots over what we ‘can and cannot afford’ as well as making me feel bad for continuously asking him for ‘extra money’ that he doesn’t think I need, like to do my hair for example.

Eventually I got so fed up with his tight attitude about spending that I’ve decided to retrain and go back to Uni to do a course to make up for the time lost on my career 😞 and more importantly to hopefully stop being financially independent on a DH that doesn’t seem to want the same things you do in life.

Like you, I also just want to have some extra nice things, and I know how frustrating it is and how sad that the partner who you married and agreed to share your life with doesn’t want the same things as you.

lul37 · 09/09/2023 19:23

*sorry typo I meant to stop being financially dependent on my DH'.

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