AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

[wendall456]

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

I couldn’t be with someone who has no ambition for my children.

Children need to be given the best opportunities- have doors opened for them. It’s up to them whether they walk through the doors. But your husband can’t seem to be bothered.

by this is simply mean given confidence and support at home. Encouraged to reach their potential, helped with homework, shown the career pathways open to them, have university and other paths explained.

he doesn’t want you to work or have ambition or enjoy the things you want.

I agree you simply aren’t suited.

@Bellyblueboy

I couldn’t be with someone who has no ambition for my children.

Me neither and I judge people hard who try to dampen down a child’s ambition or interests or disincentivise them from pushing and improving themselves

People like this aren’t really fit to be parents.

You sound incredibly ill suited. He will make you unhappy and he’s a poor role model. I would leave.

Ask him how he would feel if you took his hobbies away from him. No more tinkering on the car, no more gardening. Would he be bored then? He’s not bored niw because he can do the things he enjoys.
You and the kids don’t like these things. He needs to understand that you like different things and that’s ok.

If he can’t understand that then I’m afraid he’s an idiot.

I can actually see this from both points of view, which is rare on MN.

I am similar in some ways to your DH, in the sense that I don't spend a lot, prefer time at home and like a very simple life - can't be doing with people who spend in access, have any kind of 'fun' debt or who are constantly looking for 'more' etc. However, I do have ambition and do like holidays and always encourage my DH and children to want to 'better their selves' for want of a better phrase. Plodding isn't for me, but neither is being on the go all the time. Life is short and for me, it is all about balance.

It sounds like neither one of you really has that balance right now. You both seem very different and want different things out of life. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't need to affect your relationship as long as you are both willing to compromise. For example, you slow the pace a little and compromise by spending a little less and having a few more days chilling at home/the garden and he compromises by agreeing to live a little more and going on days out of holidays with you.

Haven't read the whole thread, but he also needs to ensure he is pulling his weight 50/50 round the house and with the kids if he isn't already doing so!

I wondered the same but sadly came to the conclusion the DJ In question just what's a stay at home wife to do everything to make his life even easier.

I'm not remotely a go-getter but the life your DH wants for you sounds very boring to me.

I can see his point of view to an extent. It's hugely stressful to be constantly chasing every opportunity and I gave that up for myself long ago. I also dislike terms like "plodder" or "coaster" when used by go-getters to describe people who just want an average life (that's not a dig at you!) But your DH is absolutely on another level, and I see very little joy in the level of frugality he takes pride in.

He doesn't get to be angry at you or your children because you want different things to him. That's bang out of order. There are parents who push their kids down the uni route without considering other options but your DH is at the opposite extreme: "down 't pit at 16". I imagine your DH left school in the 1980s or early 90s. There simply aren't the opportunities now that there were then, and quite often you need a degree now just for a career opportunity that a school-leaver might have had back then. Your DH either doesn't know this or doesn't care.

So much this. This country has so many opportunities for children, and so many free. Museums, galleries, libraries, eventually university. Kids in other countries would kill for all this. Couldn't be with any man who wanted my kids to get a minimum wage job and potter at home instead of exploring the world.

I agree. He wants to narrow yours and your children's life to fit exactly into the little box he's created for himself. I wonder if deep down he's got very low self esteem which is why he avoids being around others and tries to keep both you and your children from achieving anything or living a full life. He doesn't want anything to threaten his puny ego.

Any really loving, caring husband would step a bit to share the chores and driving the children around if their wife was tired. They wouldn't encourage them to give up their life so they can be even more of a service appliance to him than they are at the moment.

Men like this become even more curmudgeonly and controlling as they age. Seriously contemplate your future with this man. Even if you don't want to leave him, make your life bigger, not smaller. I'd even look into retraining to get a better job. You cannot put your happiness and ambitions in his hands.

Yes, don't ever give up your job.

And by the way I'm generally more content than a lot of people with a quieter life. I'm not constantly after the next shiny thing or the next party. The difference is I don't expect others around me to feel the same. I have my ambitions and dreams but they're smaller than other people's but I encourage my grown up children to live a very full life and achieve whatever they wish for. One of my sons is party central and I would never discourage him from that or expect him to potter in the garden!

Honestly, it's really not "you just want different things"

Him wanting to be frugal and not spend is fine. It doesn't sound like you are excessive in spending either, despite what some are suggesting.

But he wants your children to stay where they are and have no ambition. And he can see you are stressed out but doesn't do anything to help, is unwilling to consider how he could help. And wants you to give up your career and independence. That hints at far deeper issues than "we just want different things"

I dont undestand why so many posters are framing the choice as wild expensive parties or gardening. Op has not said she wants to go to Studio 54 parties. She has said she wants to take her kids on days out to expand their horizons, and the occasional holiday. Every kid deserves that.

Not RTFT sorry so I'm sure someone else has said this - but he clearly isn't that content if he gets regularly angry and argues with his wife.

Your husband says "you don't need money to be happy"

but in the case of your children it will make it a whole lot easier to be happy if they are in a position to save for their own homes - or even have a good budget so they have choice of where to rent. It will be difficult for them to be happy if they can't find anywhere to live or if their landlord gives them notice and they think finding somewhere new will involve moving the kids from their schools and friends. Renting or buying is very expensive.

Your husband enjoys pottering in his home and garden and most of the next generation will need a decent income if they are going to be lucky enough to have a home and garden to potter in.

That's not contentment.
That's lazy and controlling.

But he wants your children to stay where they are and have no ambition. And he can see you are stressed out but doesn't do anything to help, is unwilling to consider how he could help. And wants you to give up your career and independence. That hints at far deeper issues than "we just want different things"

Absolutely. He's controlling and is threatened by the idea that his wife or children might have a more ambitious and expansive life than him. That's not "you want different things". Thats "I don't want you to be better than me, more intelligent me or have more choices and freedom than I do because I'm a man dammit and I'm the boss." It's horrible. I'd not stay with someone like this.

@wendall456 I think he's right, also why don't kids of almost uni age take themselves where they want to go?

and you also said he's always been the same and that's what drew you to him. He hasn't changed, what you want has.

@chaosmaker

theyll just have get divorced then won’t they

I’m sure OP will be happier without someone looking critically at her every time she goes out or buys some makeup

I think this is getting to the point of financial control, possibly abuse.

I think you need to take a step back and see how your behaviour has changed to accommodate his wishes.

How? OP has her own money that she spends as she wishes.

It’s not the wanting a simple and uneventful life that’s wrong. Many people enjoy that.

It’s the insistence, to the point of anger, that you and your children live that way too, and never aspire for anything more. That’s not simplicity, that’s an attempt to stifle.

It sounds horrible to be honest. Don’t ever give up your job. What will he be like when the kids fly the nest?

@wendall456 this
gaslighting you too . Getting angry when you want more so you do what he wants of you !

This - nothing wrong with either preference, it's the insistence that you conform to his way of living. No chance would I be happy with that!

This post made me Google, living a simple life
There is quite abit out there.