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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
diddl · 05/09/2023 07:14

If he sees you so stressed-why isn't he helping?

TeenLifeMum · 05/09/2023 07:16

My dh hates spending money on himself and apologises when he does (which I tell him he doesn’t need to do - we earn similar, him slightly more). But, he never ever stops me spending or guilt trips me. Your dh is controlling in disguise.

Viviennemary · 05/09/2023 07:19

You just want different things in life. Up to him what he does. But the problem begins when he wants to start telling other folk what to do with their lives. Not on. Teenagers need to be guided in that one wanting to settle down and have a baby at 18 wouldn't be encouraged by most sensible parents. But discouraging them from going to uni is very worrying,

Lentilweaver · 05/09/2023 07:25

Do not understand the " Neither of you is wrong" and " I love to potter too" posters. The DH is very very wrong. OP is not being 'extreme' in wanting to eat out occasionally, go somewhere other than her garden, want to take her kids somewhere other than a trampoline, see anyone other than her dull as ditchwater husband, spend on things other than food or drink.
This isn't contentment. Her DH is a controlling arse.

VictoriaVenkman · 05/09/2023 07:27

He sounds tight and boring.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2023 07:34

@pointythings

in what way does OP sound extreme?!

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/09/2023 07:34

To be honest his idea of a contented life is my definition of hell. So be it, each to their own if he was merely pleasing himself.

But he's not, he's trying to control and belittle his entire family, which isn't on.

I'm always suspicious of these people who bang on and on about how damaging the "rat race" is and urge other people to live a simple life. It's one thing to decide how you spend your own money but it's not his place to tell you and your children how to spend your money or organise your life.

I also wouldn't be able to forgive him for making my children feel that there's something wrong with being ambitious. I'd leave him for that alone.

HerMammy · 05/09/2023 07:47

What are his plans for his savings? Just to hoard it and never enjoy it?

RoadLess · 05/09/2023 07:51

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/09/2023 07:34

To be honest his idea of a contented life is my definition of hell. So be it, each to their own if he was merely pleasing himself.

But he's not, he's trying to control and belittle his entire family, which isn't on.

I'm always suspicious of these people who bang on and on about how damaging the "rat race" is and urge other people to live a simple life. It's one thing to decide how you spend your own money but it's not his place to tell you and your children how to spend your money or organise your life.

I also wouldn't be able to forgive him for making my children feel that there's something wrong with being ambitious. I'd leave him for that alone.

All of this.

I grew up with ‘there’s something wrong with wanting to go to university’ narrative (though it was more ‘university isn’t for the likes of us’), and ‘Whatever you do, don’t stand out from the crowd or be too clever — just want what everyone else has’ (which among the people my parents knew was leaving school at 15 and getting a minimum wage shop or cleaning job), and it was incredibly damaging. I would have loved parents who encouraged me, or were proud of my achievements.

Riverlee · 05/09/2023 07:51

I know couples like this. The wife started going to the theatre, holidays etc by herself or with friends.

Another family like this was where the father was impoverished as a kid and lived in poverty, so having money is security. Whenever we went out for meals, they chose the cheaper options. They still enjoyed life, but were careful with money.

DisquietintheRanks · 05/09/2023 07:52

The key phrase in your first post is he gets very angry . That's not content, it's controlling.

adomizo · 05/09/2023 07:56

He doesn't sound savvy with money he sounds really really miserable..I couldn't be with someone like this.

DaggerIsle · 05/09/2023 07:57

I bet your children can't wait to go off to uni and escape him...

Lentilweaver · 05/09/2023 08:02

My DH grew up very poor. Not in this country. In a developing country where poverty meant no benefits and no help. Basically starvation. He had one pair pf shoes his whole childhood and not a good pair. He still has only 3 pairs of shoes and very few clothes.

He's very frugal about material stuff, but not about experiences or going out or having fun. Or allowing DC to have fun.

Thelonelygiraffe · 05/09/2023 08:03

So he's content the way he is but he gets really angry if anyone else dares to express a different opinion or live a different way?

And he's not doing his share of parenting, childcare or housework?

He's a lazy, controlling, abusive arse dressing up his control with a veil of 'I'm content and if you lived like I did you would be content too.'

He sounds awful.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/09/2023 08:04

I grew up with ‘there’s something wrong with wanting to go to university’ narrative (though it was more ‘university isn’t for the likes of us’), and ‘Whatever you do, don’t stand out from the crowd or be too clever — just want what everyone else has’ (which among the people my parents knew was leaving school at 15 and getting a minimum wage shop or cleaning job), and it was incredibly damaging. I would have loved parents who encouraged me, or were proud of my achievements.

Urgh. The idea of a life like this makes me shudder.

My parents had their dysfunctions and problems but thank God they encouraged me in pursuing my interests.

Although ironically I think these sorts of attitudes probably serve to push bright children and motivate them more than the ones which proactively encourage them. Nothing more likely to make you run like hell than a family which is determined to keep you small.

Janieforever · 05/09/2023 08:06

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 22:59

He sees me get stressed and tired with the demands of working and ferrying kids around so his argument is he is giving me a way out of the stress of modern life as I don't need to work if I don't want to. Fine to keep working but I can't be moaning I am tired. It does sound like controlling behaviour which I suppose in a way it is but he hates how busy life is and by staying home he thinks my life would be far calmer which it would but I would be so BORED and he doesn't get bored just pottering about. He wants the kids to lead a stress free life but always striving for more results in stress and he wants them to be calm and happy - in his world you don't need money to be happy!!

Nah op. He’s just accepted his lot. He’s not happy. He’s insular with a small world. If he thought you didn’t need money to be happy he’d not be trying to cut the legs of his own kids , he should be supporting them to do as they want. He should be supporting you. Telling uou to stay home skint and unable to afford clothes, make up or see your friends, go on holiday is not trying to support you. It’s trying to shrink everyone’s world to his size

Marmalade71 · 05/09/2023 08:13

Another tight arse.

I can slightly see his point if you're moaning a lot about being tired and he feels that you're seeking an unnecessary lifestyle so adding to your own stress. I don't agree with him but I can see that a decent person may hold that view. However, wanting to stop opportunities for your DCs because he's too tight to, at minimum, start savings plans for them, is unforgivable. And it shows that it's not some virtue about "simple life", he's just another mean, tight arse. Sadly the only solution to this is, if you want to stay married, to maximise your own earnings and show your kids that there is another way and that material success can be for people like them - if that's what they want.

Carebearstare12e · 05/09/2023 08:14

He likes life to be as stress-free and demand-free as possible. There's nothing wrong with that, it can be a good way to live.

But OP isn't being unreasonable that that isn't working for her.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 05/09/2023 08:14

I agree with him in a way, you really don’t need money to be happy - but only if you’re a certain type of person that’s happy to let life pass them by. I couldn’t live like that myself OP. I don’t have any solutions for you but I’ll repeat what’s often said on the relationship board - don’t quit your job and become financially dependent on him.

Hubblebubble · 05/09/2023 08:17

On the debt note, I find it helpful to think of university loans as success debt. You only start paying them back if you earn a certain amount, and it's a really small percentage of your salary too.

Hubblebubble · 05/09/2023 08:17

I don't think any child should be put of uni for financial reasons

SmallTreeDeepRoots · 05/09/2023 08:20

Perhaps he’s bored of you moaning about how stressed and busy you are? My SIL does this - makes choices that lead to dashing about, ferrying kids to a million far away activities, working long hours but then complaining endlessly and being a complete martyr about it. She loved lockdown and was constantly sending us memes about how great it was, then hurled herself back into the frenzy afterwards. Maybe OPs DH is saying - you have a choice, you can choose to be frantic and hasty or not. Or somewhere in between. Nice for kids to do some activities, but no need to fill every minute.

Greenwitchhorse · 05/09/2023 08:20

You simply want very different things in life and neither of you seem to be able to compromise and communicate.

The question is why did you marry someone who is so different from you and has values and expectations that don't match yours?

At this stage I would cut my losses and end this relationship.

MMMarmite · 05/09/2023 08:21

That's really tricky OP, I can see both points of view, myself. But I think he needs to accept that you are different than him and have different needs for happiness. His way is good for him, but it's not inherently better.