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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
RhymesWithTangerine · 04/09/2023 21:13

It’s very unpleasant that he doesn’t want things for your kids. No holidays or activities for them.

I don’t think he is content. I think he is insecure and controlling and jealous.

Do not leave your job.

Gerrataere · 04/09/2023 21:16

Sounds a lot like my ex. He used to say ‘you just wanted the simpler things when we first met now it’s like nothing is enough’. No, the issue was not that I wanted the world, simply always striving towards the next step. I didn’t want the basics our whole life, I wanted a plan, to get them in motion, work hard and earn better/nicer things. He just wanted to skate by and never understood why I started getting annoyed by the same cheap/boring ways he was living by 10/15 years previously. It’s not even about better jobs/houses/cars/lifestyle, it’s simply about the motivation and zest for living and taking chances.

I was bored and quite frankly resentful after a while. That sense of ‘anything could happen’ disappeared and all I foresaw was another 40 years of a No Frills (or thrills) life.

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 21:34

RhymesWithTangerine · 04/09/2023 21:13

It’s very unpleasant that he doesn’t want things for your kids. No holidays or activities for them.

I don’t think he is content. I think he is insecure and controlling and jealous.

Do not leave your job.

He’s trying to make his kids what he sees as mediocre just like him. Doesn’t want them to succeed, to do better than him . Wants his wife reliant on him. Not to go out. Not to look attractive. So she ceases to see normal men, better men.

he’s jealous, insecure and controlling exactly as you say.

Those poor kids.

Oblomov23 · 04/09/2023 21:40

My friends husband is like this. He's a SE carpenter. But behind it he has weird views, like when she's out with her friends he calls to ask when she's going to be home because he's expecting his dinner on the table!

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 21:42

He sounds mean, miserable, tedious and controlling.

Your children will be gone the first chance they get.

He refuses to pay for his childrens bits?

If sonhe sounds truly dreadful.

Don't waste your future on him.

Retirement would be hell with him.

orangegato · 04/09/2023 21:47

He sounds like a shitbag, your poor children not getting encouragement to be the best they can be. How bleak.

Bananaanaana · 04/09/2023 21:47

It could be that he’s mean and small-minded. It could also be that he’s zen and doesn’t need holidays, activities etc to be happy. Perhaps he’s content with a low-stimulation life and wants to bring up his children to be the same. Only you know OP and only you know whether you are capable of compromising with each other or whether you’re now too different. My hunch is that if you found him refreshingly down to earth 20 years ago, it might be possible to recapture that feeling a bit.

Canthave2manycats · 04/09/2023 21:54

I don't think someone who gets angry that their spouse wants different things out of their life, is content. Holding your children back is unforgiveable. He sounds a right boring, moaning git!

What does this man actually contribute to your life, and your children's lives? Not much, from the sound of things.

I couldn't tolerate this.

NeedMyDress · 04/09/2023 21:56

I don't think it's unreasonable between the two of you but when I got to the bit about your kids then I saw it totally differently.

Personally I think it's awful that he would actively discourage children from going to university if that's what they want to do.

I also think it's strange to encourage you into a SAHP role when your children are nearly adults.

You're not wanting loads from life - the vast majority of us require stimulation outside of our house and garden! He sounds desperately dull and suffocating.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 04/09/2023 21:59

sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc.

Bit of a tangent, but if your kids are of an age to be thinking about university, as you said, why are you running them to activities? Let them get themselves there and back while you put your feet up.

NewCurtain · 04/09/2023 22:03

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 20:30

He’s not content though is he. If he was he’d not be trying to stop his family soaring. Anyone who does that is far from contented. He doesn’t want to feel he’s left behind, he’s worried about his kids doing better than him, his wife doing better, so he’s trying to control you all.

that’s not contented, it’s a resentful unsuccessful little man.

This. Spot on.

NewCurtain · 04/09/2023 22:09

He's not content. He's a tight, miserable, small-minded man who wants to control his wife and children. Really awful.

Keep your job, go for promotions, eat out with your friends, book holidays for yourself and your children, enjoy your hobbies, encourage your children to fly high (he's jealous of them and their bright prospects)...and see a solicitor.

Codlingmoths · 04/09/2023 22:11

pointythings · 04/09/2023 20:14

You just want different things and you're both quite extreme about it. I'm pretty miuch bang in the middle between you - I want some nice things in life, I want my kids to have good lives, but I'm not competitive and forever climbing the ladder because I'm content with where I am. You could both do with learning from each other.

In what way is she extreme about it? She wants a job, to be able to buy some new clothes, to go out for dinner sometimes, and for her kids to go to some activities not just play footy and on the trampoline in the garden, and worst of all they want to go to university!! She didn’t say explicitly, but she might also dare to want such things as a holiday. Do your kids not do any activities or ever go on holiday? Do you ever buy new clothes or go out to dinner? There is nothing at all extreme in any of these. He is a joy sucker, and the op needs to say very sharply to him- you know what the simple life and being happy takes? It means accepting the life you have, and the people in it. You have a wife that enjoys eating out sometimes, you have kids that love their activities and want to go to university. None of this is weird or strange and millions and millions of other people like exactly the same thing. I am not going to become a hermit who never leaves the house, and they are not going to leave school and get a minimum wage job. You need to accept me for who I am, be proud of your amazing kids and find happiness in this, or you’ll be single and alone and your kids won’t bother coming back to visit. Will that make you happy?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/09/2023 22:15

Being happy with a simple life is fine. Getting 'very angry' that you aren't is NOT fine. Neither is his attitude towards your dc's hopes and ambitions.

Wexone · 04/09/2023 22:22

I am sorry but I think for a marriage to work you have to have the same goals in life and work together to get them goals. can be a simple life or can be the big house with bells and whistles on. you work together ti get there could be that one works and other stays at Home or both work. whatever it is it works for you yes there might have to be a few compromises or struggles in the way but thus is what makes you strong. this is not what you have here. both want different things and one is getting angry when it's not happening. tome at home is fine I like it sometimes and uts needed in a busy life. but me and my husband enjoy all same things like holidays and going out. we compromise so on hols is a mix of doing stuff or relaxing by pool. he doesn't drink but we still go out and I have a few glasses if wine. I think a serous discussion needed here for both of you and some serous changes needed or else resentment will build up and explode

pontipinemum · 04/09/2023 22:29

Nothing you have said it 'mad' or wanting to be very lavish, you want a few nice things in life, how bad. He doesn't want to spend money, it shouldn't stop you

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/09/2023 22:32

I can't imagine how miserable and boring this is going to be when you both retire. Why does he want you to be a stay at home mum at the moment when your children are teenagers?

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/09/2023 22:49

Pointy things she Is not extreme.

SemperIdem · 04/09/2023 22:53

I like to have nice things. I like to be able to take my child to interesting places.

I like my job but if I won the lottery I’d quit immediately, probably from my nearest airport.

I work so I can live the life I enjoy having ultimately.

Original poster
wendall456 · 04/09/2023 22:59

He sees me get stressed and tired with the demands of working and ferrying kids around so his argument is he is giving me a way out of the stress of modern life as I don't need to work if I don't want to. Fine to keep working but I can't be moaning I am tired. It does sound like controlling behaviour which I suppose in a way it is but he hates how busy life is and by staying home he thinks my life would be far calmer which it would but I would be so BORED and he doesn't get bored just pottering about. He wants the kids to lead a stress free life but always striving for more results in stress and he wants them to be calm and happy - in his world you don't need money to be happy!!

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 04/09/2023 23:27

Maybe he should help more? He doesn't get to decide your boredom threshold.

RoadLess · 04/09/2023 23:53

Of course YANBU. He sounds unbelievably dull and/or so lazy that he regards people who do anything he considers unnecessary (like university, or leaving the house) as ‘striving’.

Comtesse · 05/09/2023 00:05

What is stopping him ferrying the kids about exactly? How come it’s “your” responsibility?

Yellowlegobrick · 05/09/2023 00:52

My bil is a bit like this.

There's an admirable side to it - he doesn't hanker after endless amounts of "stuff", doesn't waste money, is calm and happy as long as he can have a pint of cheap beer and bog standard food. He's a lovely bloke but not terribly imaginative, and honestly is fairly boring

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 01:00

He is controlling and trying to frame it as concern for you

If he really was concerned about how tired you are then he'd pull his finger out and do more