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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU that I can't be content with a very very simple life unlike my DH?

208 replies

wendall456 · 04/09/2023 20:10

Contentment - Are you content and how do you define contentment?

Me and my DH keep arguing over this. He thinks he is very content - he has no desire to go out, spend money or do anything different. He is happy plodding and gets very angry if I want more from life and wishes I was content with my house and garden.

He would be really happy if I was a SAHP because sometimes I do get tired and I run the kids to activities etc. He doesn't understand why I need to work because if I didn't spend money I wouldn't need a job and the kids should be happy coming home from school and just chilling out. If I stayed home life would be much easier.

My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of....

He doesn't spend money on anything and is so content but unfortunately I cant be this content with nothing. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 05/09/2023 09:29

The OP posted not that he's trying to stop her doing anything but more that he's bored with her moaning about being tired due to the lifestyle she wants, eveyone else seems to be projecting more onto it.

Carebearstare12e · 05/09/2023 09:41

chaosmaker · 05/09/2023 09:29

The OP posted not that he's trying to stop her doing anything but more that he's bored with her moaning about being tired due to the lifestyle she wants, eveyone else seems to be projecting more onto it.

There is a fair bit of projection going on. And misreading the OP.

OP didn't say he doesn't want the kids to go to University or won't pay for it. She said he doesn't see why they need to strive to be 'better than everyone else' and he doesn't want them to be stressed out striving for that, he wants them to have a stress-free calm life. That's very different to wanting to hold them back or 'clip their wings'.

That's all the OP said.

She also didn't say they don't have holidays or that he objects to the kids 'activities'. OP is ferrying the children around to various 'activities' but complains she is tired with that and working and he complains their lives are busy with it all and suggests OP could give up her job if she wanted but she doesn't want to.

I'm really not reading anything in OPs posts that are anything like some posters are saying.

AgreeWithPP · 05/09/2023 09:44

I have to sympathise with your husband a bit here OP. Loads of posters are making him out to be a controlling beast, but that doesn't seem fair. You knew who he was and liked him for it when you met him, he hasn't changed. Maybe you expected him to want more from life as he grew older but it's not his fault he doesn't.

My husband is like you, always looking for the next bit of excitement, always looking to better himself. I am happy with what I have and don't need more. I'm very happy for him to chase that excitement but I get frustrated when he complains about stuff he chose to take on. If you're running yourself ragged and regularly moaning to him about being tired then isn't cutting back on something a reasonable suggestion? Do the kids adore all their activities or are there some they would be happy to stop?

Do you complain about your job often? A bit of a moan now and then is ok, but if you are constantly saying negative things about work your husband might genuinely think he is helping by suggesting you stop. Do you ever just spend quality time with your husband or is every day so filled with activities and being tired from them that he never gets to enjoy an evening or weekend with you?

On Uni - he absolutely shouldn't be limiting the kids, but do they want to go to Uni or are you pushing them into it? Do they have career plans where a degree is necessary or are they planning on going just for the sake of it? I think it's different a child saying they want to be a doctor so need to go to Uni and dad saying go be a labourer instead, vs child wanting to go do a few years of faffing about with no actual goal in mind. There have been posts recently discussing people going into trades after school making more money than graduates, so your husband might not be trying to clip their wings, he might just want them to have a plan for what they actually want to do with their lives as opposed to going to Uni to study something "useless".

MasterBeth · 05/09/2023 09:55

Carebearstare12e · 05/09/2023 09:41

There is a fair bit of projection going on. And misreading the OP.

OP didn't say he doesn't want the kids to go to University or won't pay for it. She said he doesn't see why they need to strive to be 'better than everyone else' and he doesn't want them to be stressed out striving for that, he wants them to have a stress-free calm life. That's very different to wanting to hold them back or 'clip their wings'.

That's all the OP said.

She also didn't say they don't have holidays or that he objects to the kids 'activities'. OP is ferrying the children around to various 'activities' but complains she is tired with that and working and he complains their lives are busy with it all and suggests OP could give up her job if she wanted but she doesn't want to.

I'm really not reading anything in OPs posts that are anything like some posters are saying.

Show quote history

He doesn't want them to go to university. He thinks:

they leave school they get a job. End of....

Echobelly · 05/09/2023 09:55

I think he's a bit out of touch if he thinks young people these days can walk out of school into a stable job that pays enough for them to live independently.

Carebearstare12e · 05/09/2023 10:02

MasterBeth · 05/09/2023 09:55

He doesn't want them to go to university. He thinks:

they leave school they get a job. End of....

Show quote history

"My kids are teenagers and are thinking about uni and their next steps and he gets annoyed about why they need to strive to be better than anyone else they leave school they get a job. End of...."

"He wants the kids to lead a stress free life but always striving for more results in stress and he wants them to be calm and happy - in his world you don't need money to be happy!!"

Yes, he's saying the DC could leave school and get jobs, they don't have to go to Uni, they don't need to strive to be better than everyone else, they don't need to make lots of money to have a happy, contented life.

He's not saying they can't do it, he's saying they don't need too and can still have a happy life without all the extras that OP wants.

MasterBeth · 05/09/2023 10:05

They leave school, they get a job, end of...

doesn't quite sound to me like the reasonable version you are suggesting.

AmazingSnakeHead · 05/09/2023 10:05

Staying at home with teenage children when you don't want to is madness. They're almost ready to set off themselves, why would you give your career up? Perhaps you could suggest (if this is something you would want) both of you dropping down to 4 days, so there is someone at home 4 days a week (and both working 3 days).

Doteycat · 05/09/2023 10:07

Why do they want to go to university and be better than everyone else?HUH? is he a bit dim?
What does he think doctors do? Or nurses? Or teachers? Or lawyers or Estatge agents or anyone who designed his washing machine or lawnmower?
FF his ignorance is astounding and why in gods name you think his opinion holds any water is beyond me.
Nothing wrong with getting a job and not goign to UNi, but society wouldnt function without doctors with tgheir degrees.
Hes a twat.

SeriousLeigh · 05/09/2023 10:25

Oh gosh he sounds just like my FIL. He used to save every extra penny and was able to retire on his 60th birthday (over 15 years ago). MIL retired the year after him but she was 52.

They do the the same thing every day, timed to the very second. Same lunch and 7 dinners every week. Fil is in his garden from 8-13:00 every day. This didn’t start when they retired, they have done this all their lives.

MIL always wanted to do more but he has worn her down over the years so it’s easier for her to follow his lead. She does rebel and book lots of holidays for them but that’s the only treat they do, and he always moans about it!

MIL is not happy but she won’t voice her opinion, FIL is definitely happy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2023 10:54

@wendall456

this Op - does he want your kids living at home with you forever?! Times have changed from his day.

Tinklyheadtilt · 05/09/2023 12:20

You have outgrown this guy and he is sucking the life out of you. Get rid.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 15:13

chaosmaker · 05/09/2023 09:29

The OP posted not that he's trying to stop her doing anything but more that he's bored with her moaning about being tired due to the lifestyle she wants, eveyone else seems to be projecting more onto it.

He wants her to give up her job and stop spending money and gets ANGRY she wants more.
OP has literally said that

poorlyarm · 05/09/2023 16:44

No this would drive me insane! My DH is driven career wise and he likes to 'buy stuff' but is happier than me pootling about the house. I just find it so boring!

Lonicerax · 05/09/2023 17:52

But he has his cars! His garden? And presumably watches tv/ goes online for hours.
That with a job is plenty - but if he retires at 55 will he really be happy with that for 30 years? I think he is kidding himself.
You need a cleaner and the kids to learn to drive.

Original poster
wendall456 · 05/09/2023 21:03

We live semi rurally so kids can't get about easily as only buses every 2 hours or so. I have one that does acting and performing so have to ferry to and from rehearsals and another who is in a footy team. At the weekends hubby will help with lifts but reluctantly because as mentioned earlier he thinks they should be happy at home.

I honestly dont think he is the way he is because he is jealous and doesn't want us to be better than him - he sees so many people stressed out and busy because they work socialise play sports etc - he brother is a high flyer and had a breakdown about 10 yrs ago trying to do it all and his cousin is a solicitor who doesn't stop. I am sure he sees it that if I didn't need to spend money and was happy like him with one outfit, and no socialising we wouldn't need a 2nd wage.

He has always got annoyed with how many activities the kids do. When they were little he begrudged spending out for swimming lessons and that was one of the reasons I started working. I learnt to swim as a child and I think its important he thinks it is a waste of money!!!

We are very different but 20 years ago when we first met his wanting the simple life was a real turn on. He was so calm and never stressed. He enjoyed everything about his home and local area so much - unlike quite a few shallow men I was with previously who spent money like it was going out of fashion.

He is exceptionally house proud so does alot around the house but it is more the stuff with the kids he doesn't do because he works till 9pm .

He doesn't stop me working he just can't understand why if I get tired and stressed I keep going to work when I don't need to. We have friends who have to have 2 incomes to survive to pay for leisure activities holidays etc but because he seems to need very little to keep him content he just seems to think we should all be like him.

OP posts:
Lonicerax · 06/09/2023 06:53

He works til 9pm?
That suits him - leaves running the household to you. Hence you being stressed.

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 08:49

OP, you clearly have little idea just how controlling and selfish your husband is and always has been.

I feel very sorry for your children.
They will see the dynamic in the house clearly, they always do.

Mum doing her best.
Dad a lazy selfish mean arse who works till 9pm to avoid family life.

They will see him so clearly.

How you can think such utter selfishness is a good man is really sad.

He cares nothing for his children or giving the opportunity for a future.

I couldn't look at my husband if he was so utterly selfish and controlling to his core.

Your children will be gone the first chance they get, of that you can be sure.

Don't waste your future with such an awful man.

adomizo · 06/09/2023 10:03

Sorry OP I agree this is not a relaxed , easygoing contented man
This is mean spirited miserable man who is dragging you and kids down..

Couldyounot · 06/09/2023 10:12

Right, so he's dressing up being lazy and tight (as regards the kids' activities) as some sort of alternative lifestyle that seeks to avoid stress. Nice try, big lad

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/09/2023 10:39

Any man who begrudges spending money on swimming lessons for his children and doesn’t want them to go to university is not a chilled, happy go lucky type.

He’s a small minded, miserable and miserly arse.

Glitterandunicorns · 06/09/2023 11:07

This sounds to me like a very controlling relationship. He's trying to make out like it's about having a simple life and no stress, but in reality he's trying to control you all.

Stopping you from dressing how you like or seeing your friends is quite bad enough, but trying to control your kids by refusing to contribute towards your children's extra curricular activities/ hobbies and expecting them not to go to university is just awful.

Please don't live the rest of your days like this, OP. Think of all the fun you could be having without having to justify every penny you spend or without worrying what he's going to say if you come back with a new pair of shoes.

He might be a high earner, but he's not contributing to your family life at all by the sounds of things. Begrudging your kids' activities and complaining about giving them lifts is just awful and frankly it would all give me the ick to such an extent it wouldn't be recoverable.

PansyP · 06/09/2023 14:05

And you had met this man before you married him yes?

RedPony1 · 06/09/2023 15:15

He sounds like he would suck the life out of me!

I thrive on being busy, socialising, doing things. My idea of hell would be being at home too much.

I think he's attempting to be controlling. He sounds like my dad and my mum eventually rebelled.

BeachHutCornwall · 06/09/2023 16:34

@wendall456 - Have you never had a holiday - in the UK or abroad?

Never any family days out?