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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

215 replies

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:01

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 03/09/2023 10:04

(head in hands) sorry but how have you got to this point. When married with kids all income should be pooled. And I’m begging you not to become a stay at home in that scenario. He’s being utterly selfish. Does he not realise they are his offspring as much as yours.

Berthatydfil · 03/09/2023 10:05

You are being financially abused.

Velvian · 03/09/2023 10:06

Do not quit your job, even if you have to use all of your salary.

You can claim child benefit and then your DH would have to pay it back through his tax. Ask him if he would rather go about things in this way.

Babyroobs · 03/09/2023 10:07

Don't give up your work.
Unbelievable that you have 4 properties yet taking from relatives to pay childcare fees. FFs sell one or more of them.

isthewashingdryyet · 03/09/2023 10:08

Look at what you get if you divorce

and my head is in my hands too. Sorry

Velvian · 03/09/2023 10:11

...and it does sound as if divorce is a far more viable financial option for you.

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 10:11

Hmm
*He’s a high earner, but is ok with you using up your savings while on maternity leave.
*He is balking at paying for his children, and…
*your mother has been looking after your children because YOU can’t afford it and HE won’t pay.

Do you really think it’s a good idea to make yourself financially vulnerable and completely dependent on him?

littleblackcat27 · 03/09/2023 10:12

Your husband is a selfish prick.

I would definitely find a way to keep your job - if you need to be financially independent in the future- you will certainly need that

BarbaraofSeville · 03/09/2023 10:13

That would only be reasonable if:

That's what you wanted to do
You would be able to get back into your career at a similar level after a break
You had full access to all money and can make your own decisions about spending money/have access to money that you can use for your own spending
Pension contributions at the maximum allowable rate as a non earner were being made for you (about £3k pa)

If any of the above applies, don't do it.

Can you employ a nanny for your childcare needs? Then you'd be able to concentrate on work without all the rushing around, drop offs/pick ups and dealing with sick days etc.

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:13

Babyroobs · 03/09/2023 10:07

Don't give up your work.
Unbelievable that you have 4 properties yet taking from relatives to pay childcare fees. FFs sell one or more of them.

DH has 4 properties and refuses to sell despite me asking multiple times. He also has money invested in shares that he refuses to sell too.

I get the view some people have about grandparents and free childcare but in my culture, this is very normal and they offer and want to do it 3 days a week. I am a teacher, so childcare hours is 8-4 for them, which they are very happy with. I acknowledge that I am lucky in this aspect.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 03/09/2023 10:13

You’re paying £1600 a month for childcare when you’re at home on maternity leave??

That aside, he is being an arse.

MasterBeth · 03/09/2023 10:14

Absolute nonsense. "His money." "My money." "My share of the mortgage."

You're married. One unit. The money is yours as a couple.

littleblackcat27 · 03/09/2023 10:15

Plus - how are you financially struggling if your family isn’t qualified for tax free nursery fees or child benefits??

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:16

Financially, I will be better off with a divorce and I think the way our relationship has turned since falling pregnant with our 3rd, it seems like the only option.
I keep giving chances to DH to change and I have refrained from contacting lawyers due to the fact that I wanted to keep a family unit for the children. DH has good days but with the new business, it has really ruined our whole lives.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 03/09/2023 10:16

littleblackcat27 · 03/09/2023 10:15

Plus - how are you financially struggling if your family isn’t qualified for tax free nursery fees or child benefits??

And own 5 houses !! Unbelievable.

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:18

howshouldibehave · 03/09/2023 10:13

You’re paying £1600 a month for childcare when you’re at home on maternity leave??

That aside, he is being an arse.

3 children aged 3 and under is hard and they are term time nursery only. DH works from home and expects me to keep them all silent which just doesn't work sadly.

Plus, if I pulled them out of nursery, I would lose the nursery places as we live in an oversubscribed area.

OP posts:
Skybluecoat · 03/09/2023 10:18

Given your updates, I think divorce is the only option here.

MadamWhiteleigh · 03/09/2023 10:18

Yet another couple who don’t seem to understand what marriage actually is. Everything is shared between you - salary, properties, savings. There is no ‘my money, your money’.

You should be looking at your joint income and your joint outgoings, not which you can afford what.

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:19

Babyroobs · 03/09/2023 10:16

And own 5 houses !! Unbelievable.

Show quote history

This is my argument back to him all the time. But he refuses to sell any of them and he says that he gets taxed more so his actual in the bank income only covers bills, mortgage and his new business venture.

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/09/2023 10:19

He's abusive.

Naunet · 03/09/2023 10:19

He’s disgusting. Is he sharing the housework 25/75% too, or is that ALL your job for some reason? He’s a selfish controlling twat, DO NOT give up your job. If he tries to force you, you need to leave, divorce him and take everything you’re entitled to. Start getting a plan to leave together, just in case you need it.

Blueroses99 · 03/09/2023 10:20

littleblackcat27 · 03/09/2023 10:15

Plus - how are you financially struggling if your family isn’t qualified for tax free nursery fees or child benefits??

If the family pooled their resources, they wouldn’t be struggling, but with the way the finance are set up, the OP is struggling. This is financial abuse.

BusinessClass · 03/09/2023 10:20

Ah op you are being abused financially. Don't give your job up - give your husband up

StarBloo · 03/09/2023 10:22

Divorce. No kind man would look at his financial situation in this way.

howshouldibehave · 03/09/2023 10:24

I’d be looking at what your life would look like if you split up-you wouldn’t have to keep the kids quiet all day for a start!

Find out the answers to some questions-:

What equity is there in the house-could you get a house/pay the mortgage on that alone working 3 days? 5 days?

What would child maintenance be for three children? Would that cover the childcare costs whilst you work or not?