Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

[Defeatedmum]

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

Don't leave your job, don't take kids out of nursery

He has overextended himself - he can sell a property.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a toxic man.

That he is a doctor is disturbing.

Do NOT give up your career and salary.

Your relationship is unlikely to last as his behaviour is unlikely to improve.

Protect yourself.

Two things:
I know you said you didn't want to be identifiable, but lots of what you've put in your last post would make him (& you) identifiable. Location, work CCGs, when & where he's worked, when he's left posts etc. If this was in my area I'd definitely be able to pinpoint a person from this. Please think about editing & being more obscure in sharing your content.
Stop accepting drip feeds. I think you're tying yourself up in knots in trying to get snippets of information & considering his point of view in things. My observation (& experience) is that those who financially abuse & control the family money only give slivers of information that the choose to share. Stop getting embroiled in this, it's exhausting & gets you nowhere. Ask for a half day to sit down with the entirety of the financial affairs - the Ltd company accounts, his annual salary, outgoings, rental incomes, expenditure on new ventures, mortgage & %rates, savings accounts, utilities. The lot. No question. All.
If he won't share the lot so you can make joint decisions then why does he think he can make decisions on your career. If you're so involved with his emails & checking his thinking on mundane stuff, then I wonder why he's not doing it with the matter of money that's very important to him.
No sharing = no partnership.
If he doesn't then that tells you something. The rapid transfer of enough money to shut you up about nursery would be a red flag for me.

I agree that you have posted too much identifying information, OP.

I thought mine was a good 'un when we married. We were both working when we married. In his case the financial abuse came later, in the form of him not working, or being self-employed for peanuts. In my head, I made excuse after excuse for him, and convinced myself even into my 50's that he would somehow come good. A tragic case of a naive woman who kept hoping for the better, and only realised after decades and 2 DC, that I was deluded, and the man I married had never been the man I thought he was.

@Siatanaas

She’s putting herself in a situation where she’s struggling financially, he offering her food and a home and everything she needs to raise their children stress free. And he’s the bad guy?

She isn’t putting herself in this situation. He is putting her in it by refusing to contribute to childcare costs so she can work (although I see he’s since transferred some money for that) while simultaneously demanding she stay at home, AND earn more.

Offering everything she needs to raise their children stress free….. except it isn’t clear that he is! Would she have access to money, if she did stay at home? It’s not at all clear that she would, based on what he has said until now. Therefore, OP would be taking a massive risk to do this.

Why would you wanna sell something you own to pay someone else to take care of your kids while your wife is going to take care of someone else’s kids. That’s ridiculous. You can do it yourself and keep money in the family.

He doesn’t want it to do it (take care of his kids) himself. He wants his wife to do it - when he’s not telling her to get a better paying job. And crucially - she hadn’t intended to stay home, she had intended to go back to work. You might not think that’s a good idea, perhaps you would make a different choice - but it’s her choice.

Ideally it is a choice that she and her husband make together, having looked at their financial situation as a whole and discussed what they both want. But from what OP has said, it looks like he is forging ahead trying to make the decisions, without thinking about what OP wants. He’s also apparently not spending much time with his family, so focussed is he on making money.

Of course It should be her choice. I’m just saying that this situation is a reason to negotiate terms that would satisfy her and her husband and not get a divorce. If people chose to be together they should dk everything possible to stay together not get a divorce every time things get unpleasant or complicated.

If the husband doesn’t want to take care of the kids, who’s gonna take care of them in the evening lets say if they both work.
It’s just an extra job for the wife in this case.

Who takes of the house and children when you come home and need some rest? Your husband? An au pair?
Frankly not all of us find working 24/7 so enticing

Not sure if this is an actual question? Thankfully I don't work 24 hours of the day and neither does my husband. I don't need 'rest' as I thankfully don't have a manual job. We take equal care of the kids and the house when we're not at work. No cleaner, no au pair. I think that's what happens in a lot of houses.

I value my financial freedom more than not having to put the kids in wrap around care.

I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

This was only true because you were looking at your salary as the only one for the purposes of childcare. Childcare is for the benefit of both of you and it certainly wasn't too much for 5 days nursery out of a combined salary of 200k. The completely skewered financial thinking started here with your first child.

You will end up shafted here - no career, no income. Do you honestly think a man who earns what your husband does and refuses to pay for childcare will be fair with you on money if you are not earning? He will not.

You need to hammer this out now but I strongly strongly advise you not to give up your job. In fact I would go fulltime if I could. Only you can decide if this marriage is worth saving - we are seeing one aspect of it only. But financial abuse is a big aspect.

@Siatanaas

Of course It should be her choice. I’m just saying that this situation is a reason to negotiate terms that would satisfy her and her husband and not get a divorce

She appears to be trying to negotiate. And it depends how that goes.

What does she do if the negotiations get nowhere? It is wise for her to consider the possibilities.

100%

His behaviour is very telling. Please listen to what he's telling you.

Do not give up your job.

@Siatanaas the OP isn't 'looking after someone else's kids.' She's a teacher. She has skills, qualifications and a profession teaching other people's children. A career where she can progress. The intellectual stimulation and social aspect of working. Earning her own money. Having her own pension (and actually the teachers pension is one of the best around.

Obviously it's an alien concept to you but many mums go to work for all sorts of reasons and guess what- their children are just as happy and well adjusted as children of SAHM are.

I be if you looked at MrMoneygrabbers tax return he has enough for you to work . I am wondering if ‘I am skint’ means I can’t put as much into savings as I used to.

Do your parents know the situation?

He could sell the houses and use the equity to pay down the residential mortgage if he is struggling ( which I doubt he is). His excuse is no doubt ‘a bad time to sell’ ir ‘I have penalties’ really his concern is capital growth.

Tell him work are talking about a promotion with a payrise when you are full time. Show him deputy and head salaries saying you could use a promotion to get a larger salary - and use this time to get your ducks in a row until the kids are in school.

Get a divorce. Yes, he will turn nasty. (He already is nasty but nastier). So be prepared. Go to a solicitor and get all your ducks in a row. Find out exactly where you will stand financially re assets and debts. Tell your parents what’s been going on. You say you suspect he has mortgages on the properties. You don’t know? Is your name on those mortgages as well?
I suspect that despite your depiction of him as a big earner, he is in fact in financial trouble, he has mucked up his business and he is in serious debt. If this is the case, regardless of any other issues, you’d be better off divorced. Good luck. Do not give up work

I agree.

My ex-hubby tried to get me to do the same, but I refused to do so citing that I had worked hard to get the job I wanted. I also told him that I would only work as a part-time taxi operator (for him) at weekends and around my main job. I wanted my independence from him on a financial basis because he was not good with money. He would spend whereas I would plan finances and try to save.

And yes, he lied about the money he really earnt by hiding notes in odd DVD and CD cases - that was until I came across the hidden money by chance one day.

I think the OP ought to find out more and start following advice from a solicitor now before it gets really messy. It may help if they were to contact a Debt Relief Charity re a DMP or an IVA for themself - let the husband do the same for himself. An IVA freezes all interest on debts, but if regular payments are missed frequently, then an IVA will fail. The Insolvency Service (in charge of the IVA Company) would make him sell some of the properties to pay off the debts before a Bankruptcy is agreed in Court. Bankruptcy is the absolute last option. Depending on what the debts are amount-wise, he ought to just cut his losses and sell two of the five properties and any unnecessary assets.

How dare he put the OP through this stress whilst they are on maternity leave!

Before you do anything spend the next few months getting copies of all the bank statements you can, copies of all the properties he owns, every single thing you can think of you find a way to get a copy of it without him noticing - even if it's just pictures on your phone. Do NOT warn him about the divorce or change you behavior.
If you can get evidence of income etc now he'd have to prove how his income has significantly changed to the court. You may still need to hire a forensic accountant but this will limit the likelihood.

On the bright side, at least you put a ring on it, so hopefully you can take this prick to the cleaners when you divorce.

Surely in more traditional cultures (such as where the grandparents role is to mind the children), it's also the case that it's the FATHER'S role to care for the family, including the wife?

I sympathise because my husband is a tight wad too. He is not respecting you and will only get worse. I should have divorced my husband years ago. Before I started working and earning my own money after my children were born I used to have to beg him for money for essentials, such as shoes for our children. Meanwhile he was squirrelling away thousands in his own name ( he would not allow a joint account). Ditch him is my advice.

Money is his god, isn't it? And everything, including you, goes on the altar. Leave him to his worship and divorce him before there is another child.

Back after a day at work, but I can't let this go.

@Siatanaas
Can you quit with the "he's providing a home so suck it up" mantra.

That is seriously a bloody insult.

You've said you don't work or don't like work, and that's totally fine, but don't assume all women are prepared to put up with being subservient, and kowtowing to the "head of the house", in order to lead a guided cage "comfortable life".

It's not the 50's anymore.

NO WOMAN I KNOW WANTS THAT.

I’m literally starting to hate all men. OP don’t give up your work and tbh LTB. It won’t get better.

He doesn't seem to view you as a human being, let alone as a wife and life partner; nor does he seem to think he has any responsibility for his own kids. He is financially abusing you, and your parents. Disgusting

What an absolute scumbag. LTB asap

Your h earns150k per annum and he has four rental properties, yet you're struggling for money???

Wtaf???

And he's a complete selfish bellend. The dc are his too and if you are working p/t he should be making up the shortfall.

How on earth did you get to this???

Honestly I'd consider the future of the relationship because he is financially abusive. You might not end up much better off if he fiddles books, has mortgages etc but you'll be free of him.

Your trump card may be that he works from home. I'd be tempted to tell him you will be working and that's that. He can choose to pay for the nursery as previously agreed or when you leave for work he'll be the one in the house with the three young kids to look after.

Relationship needs to end, but its up to you if you want to stick it out a bit longer until more equity in the houses and children are in school so childcare bills are less.

Yet another poster who doesn't understand what financial abuse is...
How fucking patronising!