Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

[Defeatedmum]

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

Be careful. Do not mention divorce. He could absolutely shaft you particularly with a self-employed status.

My advice would be for you to forensically collect all financial information. Get copies of paperwork, accounts, banking, HMRC documents and everything to do with his companies. Get copies of land registry documents. Seek legal advice without making any mention to him of what you are doing.

One you are in possession of all the facts, you will be in a better position to think about your future.

He is clearly a highly-controlling man. You have sacrificed your career, and your financial stability, in order to facilitate his life plans.

What you are experiencing now is financial abuse. Marriage is supposed to be about teamwork and shared finances.

You need to think about your future, including your financial stability and pension provision.

Have a good long hard think about what you want. Is he likely to change his ways when faced with an ultimatum? Do you both want to make a success of your marriage, or is it always going to be him "in charge" and acting like the boss? Do you think marriage counselling might help?

Ending a marriage is a big step, but sometimes it's the only option. Only you will know the answer.

Not sure you will get what you want with a divorce. I bet his income will suddenly be <£16K a year so he won't have to pay you anything. I doubt all his income goes through the books and paying the correct amount of TAX. You will put claims in, they will get denied. No one will even investigate. Seen it so many times.

This!

Get a lawyer & LTB

@Testina but 150k a yr is approx 90k take home before a pension so it would take some years to raise 400k. The OP says it's only been s struggle since they had a 3rd dc who is only 6 months old. I don't think the husband is financially struggling at all he's just selfish

Is he salaried or self-employed?

Get hold of copies of all financial statements, pay records, tax returns etc - if he is going to try and hide income in the event of a divorce, you need the evidence

And if he's threatening to hide money in the advent of a divorce I'd bet there is some shady dealings already going on

WTAF did I just read?
He is abusing you financially.
Do not quit work.
See a lawyer.
Get a divorce.

Sorry but your husband sounds like an arse!

Firstly, having a teacher in the family will save a small fortune on childcare in the long run once they are at school! I am a teacher with 3 kids and work 3 days a week. If I went back to my previous engineering career then it would cost us a fortune in holiday clubs and wrap around child care! We would end up with far less money! Also, don't underestimate how much support kids need once they start school. I do all my planning and marking on my two days off which means I can be a better parent to the kids as I'm not so stressed.

Secondly, if your marriage is going to work, your husband needs to see your relationship as a partnership, not just his money. You need a joint account, work out your family outgoings (mortgage, bills, food, clubs, childcare etc...), add 10%, then this amount should be paid as a percentage of your take home pay with both of you having roughly the same amount left over. My DH takes home twice what I do, so he pays about 70% of the money going into the joint account, and me 30%. He has more left over than I do, but his hobbies are far more expensive than mine so fair enough!

Thirdly, you need to speak to your husband and make it clear what needs to change, and also make it clear that if he is not willing to do this, then you want a divorce.

It’s in the OP, “DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE”

Definitely financial abuse and one of the starkest examples you see on here.

Good job you didn’t get that pre nup. I’d be looking at divorce as he isn’t going to change.

I bet when your kids are older he’d also magically expect you to pop back to where your earning potential would have been if not for kids.

OP don’t quit work. Don’t quit work.

If he’s owned the rental properties for several years, there is a very high chance that there is equity in them even if the monthly return is not huge. That said, people I know who invested in rental properties years ago are doing very well as they bought when properties weren’t as expensive and are now benefitting from the insane rental prices.

Alongside that your marital home has a lot of equity in it, if you borrowed 800k, then your home was likely purchased for significantly more than that and your mortgage is now much reduced.

If you divorce I suspect you will be in a comfortable financial position and be able to purchase a home - possibly outright. You mention shares as well, I would be trying to get as much paperwork together as possible to evidence both his income and investments.

In an argument, I mentioned I would divorce him and seek child maintenance and he told me his accountants would ensure that his income is much lower than it is due to self employment and loopholes. Sadly, I am not knowledgeable about these aspects of things but I don't trust his accountants and never have.

Don't let him frighten you by saying things like this op. A good divorce lawyer will get a forensic accountant onto this asap.

In a marriage all money should be pooled.

Don’t give up your job, this man is financially abusive.

If this can’t be sorted - and it sounds like it can’t - your best option is to leave.

Don’t talk to him about it, don’t threaten to leave - just gather ALL financial info you can - house ownership, investments, business accounts, tax returns for both of you - photo them so he doesn’t know you have them and take them to a solicitor. They will tell you what financial deal you’ll get. He’ll be able to fake things up to a point - although if you gather info now that will help, but he owns 5 houses which is not something you can hide. Once you know where you are, you make a plan.

You have a career of your own and you can make a better life for yourself and your kids outside this marriage. It’s no model for them.

But seriously - do not talk to him about this again. Get everything sorted, and when you are ready tell him then.

This is the most ridiculous thread I’ve ever read and I’m hoping it’s not real but I have a feeling it is.

You should not be financially struggling when he earns £120k a year and owns 4 houses.

You should not rely on your parents to give up their time to do childcare so you can save on childcare costs when he earns £120k a year and owns 4 houses.

He’s telling you to be a SAHP and then telling you to get another job?!
That doesn’t make sense.

He is at best cheating/planning to leave you and at worst financially abusing you.

He’s got 4 houses which will need to be spilt if you divorce him - you’d 100% be able to buy another property outright.

But you need to be very careful as I do believe he’d hide his earnings from you so for the next few weeks I would act as though everything is normal and get as much evidence of his income and assets as possible.

I would photocopy things like bank statements and house deeds or buy a new phone and take photos of it all and keep these as your mums.

I can’t help think that’s he’s the type that’s going to turn nasty if he thinks you’re going for a divorce.

Get copies of all the financial information you can, leave them with a friend.

Divorce him.

If he wants to try and lie to a court about his income, that's his business. Have the evidence to catch him in the lie, it won't end well for him.

Abusive prick.

Don't quit your job but please don't say you are 'financially struggling' as a couple on nearly 200k a year and 5 houses 🙈 It may be very offensive to a single parent on a minimum wage job who's balancing all the same things as you.
You need to organise your couple finances better really. Can you get an advisor? I also agree your husband is being a bit financially controlling.

Definitely worth sticking it out in employment- besides career continuity- your pension is valuable. Unless your husband has offered to top-up your pension whilst you play house maiden? That’s if you even WANT to do this.

I really don't get the 'his money and my money' thing in a marriage. Marriage is a partnership, everything should be shared. You're both working so both of your monthly take home should be used for joint costs, of which childcare is one. You shouldn't be the sole person footing the nursery bill, the dc are his responsibility/cost too.

I would see a finacial advisor together.
You both need some guidance. You might be investing wisely but you need to have a common, viable, plan for building family wealth; a plan that you both understand.
The two of you are working extremely hard and you need to spend/save in the most beneficial way.

You need to write down your estimated cost for the year and monthly for the household. Write down the total income earned by the two adults.
Eg £36k per annum estimated household expenditure, £120k from dad and £24k annual income from mum. Your income is 20% of his so the most you should contribute is 20% of what he contributes. The most unfair type of allocation will be to simply contribute an equal percentage into the household pot eg 30% of each adult's earning. This is because your parents are subsidising and not getting paid, you're likely doing most of the household chores eg shopping, cooking, cleaning etc which will require a full time nanny, cook, driver, househelp/cleaner etc not toention gestational carrier, wet nurse etc. You husband doesn't seem to see his wife and children as part of himself.
Really, he should contribute at least 40% of his income (£48k) and you can contribute 20% of that amount(£9600). This is proportionate to the incomes.

I don't think seeing a financial advisor with someone so secretive and their partner who apparently knows only a little about the family finances is going to fly...

If you leave your job you won't have any access to money at all.
I bet he's the sort of man who swans round in the finest clothes money can buy while you have holes in your shoes and have to justify every penny you ask for.

Agree with last post. DC all girls probably not helping with misogynistic H.