Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

[Defeatedmum]

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

Misogynistic bullshit... her fault for not having a crystal ball about his future behaviour, not his for being financially abusive.

I think you mean...This is the trouble when you become over-reliant on your partner's child care, cooking, cleaning and using her meagre salary to cover your children's essentials.

OP you really need to speak to a family lawyer. Are you able to record him telling you if you file for divorce he will make his accountants show he earns very little & refuse to pay? The fact that he even thought of a pre-nup (not as water tight in UK laws from what I have read) suggests he owns considerable equity in those properties he owns “.
He sounds toxic - do you really think you have a future with someone who treats you like this ? He seems smug & sure you won’t actually divorce him as he has taken your financial independence away.
Sounds like you have parents who can support you if you decided that divorce was the right thing here. You mentioned your culture is different- have you discussed possibility of separation with your parents & gauged how they will react- as understand in some cultures parents can be very against their daughter’s divorcing (I come from Asian culture)
You have a good job & once you get through these early years of childcare costs & once all kids are in school it will get easier for you financially- so do have a good think & take some proper legal advise.

Ahhh... abused women everywhere... just stand up to your abuser. That's all it takes apparently...
And stop being so financially irresponsible..spending all your money on childcare and caring for your kids....
Christ on a bike!

@Scatterbrainbox

I missed that one.

If only my mother, trapped in an abusive relationship with no money and 5 kids had just "stood up to him" eh.

This seems an extremely difficult situation, sorry OP. You are right to stand your ground.

You explained your 3rd DC was planned and everything was ok before. It seems it was ill advised to start a new business concurrent to arrival of baby number 3.

I’m interested in how much logistical discussion took place about each of these decisions and what the expectations were for each of you?

I cannot understand why you are having to pay almost everything for the children, their food, clothes etc. This is is absolutely ridiculous OP.

You explained your amazing family support, thank goodness for them.

He is entirely unreasonable and being coercive/controlling.

Suggest you start quietly collecting information about the financial side of things, photograph documents etc and seek independent legal advice, including about potential loop holes.

Perhaps a family member could loan you the money if you can count on them to be discrete and protect your interests.

All the best OP, keep us posted on how you are getting on.

He sounds like a selfish pig.

Id find a decent lawyer for myself and find out what’s what and what you can do.

i also wouldn’t listen to stuff he says as he could be trying to manipulate and scare you in to staying

Well said 👏

this was in response to @Scatterbrainbox

If he expects you to give up work then the only valid way to do that is for you to have full and complete access to all of his money. That's how that works.

This was my first thought. Family income is just that

This

Do not give up your job. Think of the long plan.... Childcare costs are very temporary and it's normal to have one salary eaten up by the cost. But you are a couple so all costs for childcare are a family cost.

You keeping working, keeps your career going, promotions opportunity etc. Giving up work has huge tax and NI implications which impacts on your pension pot.

And looking at the sums the family income won't be any better off if you give up work as although you won't be paying childcare the family budget will lose your £1600 take home pay. So instead of paying childcare he will have to pay you... But he maybe wouldn't do that so you will end up being the poor one!

Say you'll give up your job if he 1. Pays you £1600 a month
Pays into your pension
Pays your NI shortfall

Have you told your parents what he is suggesting? Since they are actively involved in providing child care for your children they should know your family circumstances and the pressure he's putting you under.
Do not give up your job. And make sure you prevent any more pregnancies.

Why did you resurrect this post from September?