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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

215 replies

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:01

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

OP posts:
Beenaboutabit · 03/09/2023 10:24

You need to keep working so you can keep paying into your own pension.

OH is not going to be sharing that with you unless you divorce

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:24

I have told him that I feel he is financially abusing me. He brushes it off saying that other mums find ways to earn more and that I should look for a different job, which for me, at this stage of my life with the kids so young is hard to do.

OP posts:
rahrahoolala · 03/09/2023 10:27

Yeh it shouldn't his money/your money. You pool your finances - everything goes into one pot, you pay for everything from this - you're a family!! Not separate entities bickering over who paid what.

Your DH sounds like a twat wanting you/your mum to provide free childcare, and give up your career. It leaves you very vulnerable.

Clymene · 03/09/2023 10:27

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:16

Financially, I will be better off with a divorce and I think the way our relationship has turned since falling pregnant with our 3rd, it seems like the only option.
I keep giving chances to DH to change and I have refrained from contacting lawyers due to the fact that I wanted to keep a family unit for the children. DH has good days but with the new business, it has really ruined our whole lives.

Do if. You have a supportive family and you will be better off financially and mentally.

You're also likely to be able to claim a share of the equity of the five properties

Slothlikemum · 03/09/2023 10:28

Ah yes, the 'other mums/wives do it's. It's the asshole husband version of trena telling you 'all the other parents let their kids do x'. Total fantasy.

Beamur · 03/09/2023 10:29

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 10:11

Hmm
*He’s a high earner, but is ok with you using up your savings while on maternity leave.
*He is balking at paying for his children, and…
*your mother has been looking after your children because YOU can’t afford it and HE won’t pay.

Do you really think it’s a good idea to make yourself financially vulnerable and completely dependent on him?

Your DH needs a serious wake up call.
If the fact that this is pushing you into considering divorce isn't enough I don't know what would be.

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:30

howshouldibehave · 03/09/2023 10:24

I’d be looking at what your life would look like if you split up-you wouldn’t have to keep the kids quiet all day for a start!

Find out the answers to some questions-:

What equity is there in the house-could you get a house/pay the mortgage on that alone working 3 days? 5 days?

What would child maintenance be for three children? Would that cover the childcare costs whilst you work or not?

In an argument, I mentioned I would divorce him and seek child maintenance and he told me his accountants would ensure that his income is much lower than it is due to self employment and loopholes. Sadly, I am not knowledgeable about these aspects of things but I don't trust his accountants and never have.

Our mortgage was originally £800,000 but £435,000 is left (DH has overpaid the mortgage multiple times). I think I do need to speak to a lawyer to find out whether I would be able to afford to get a place to live and pay a mortgage alone as a teacher... but I don't see that being possible sadly, especially as I put all my savings bar a small amount into the deposit for the house we live in.

OP posts:
Naunet · 03/09/2023 10:30

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:24

I have told him that I feel he is financially abusing me. He brushes it off saying that other mums find ways to earn more and that I should look for a different job, which for me, at this stage of my life with the kids so young is hard to do.

So he wants you to give up working AND fund a better job? Is he an idiot?

Testina · 03/09/2023 10:32

“DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling”

Yeah, you’re not.

Possibly he’s lying that you are to try to control you. But you really really are not.

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/09/2023 10:34

Fuck that.

Velvian · 03/09/2023 10:35

Time for him to start thinking about 'what other dads do' I think.

2 approaches that you may not have tried yet. He also 3 days a week and you each care for the DC on 2 days the other is working.

Go on entitled to website and enter a claim as a single person to show him how much he is costing you

Ultimately though, find a solicitor that is happy to take payment from the settlement and LTB.

You have a career that needs to be supported.

Heatherbell1978 · 03/09/2023 10:35

Why oh why do married couples not pool all income in a joint account? From that all bills get paid and you get an equal spending allowance. All this he pays 75% of this and I pay 25% of that is ridiculous. It almost always is due to one person wanting to keep more for themselves. It sounds like you'd be pretty well set up if you divorce him.

DrManhattan · 03/09/2023 10:37

Everyday there is one of these posts. Why do women marry such selfish arseholes.

Testina · 03/09/2023 10:38

“Our mortgage was originally £800,000 but £435,000 is left (DH has overpaid the mortgage multiple times). I think I do need to speak to a lawyer to find out whether I would be able to afford to get a place to live and pay a mortgage alone as a teacher... but I don't see that being possible sadly, especially as I put all my savings bar a small amount into the deposit for the house we live in.”

I think you’ve spent too long in a high earning household and need to return to the planet the rest of us are on. You can work full time in a secure, in demand job, with progression prospects and no school holiday childcare. You have parents giving you free childcare. There is £365K equity in your house before you even think about the other 4 properties and the shares that are marital assets.

Divorce him, and look forward to a small mortgage from a hefty deposit.

He’s a nasty piece of work, but you’ve lost touch with ordinary finances and made some odd decisions along the way.

howshouldibehave · 03/09/2023 10:39

I think I do need to speak to a lawyer to find out whether I would be able to afford to get a place to live and pay a mortgage alone as a teacher

I don’t think it’s a lawyer you’d need at this stage. Work out what half of the equity would be if your house was sold and look at local properties and see what they cost. Look at ‘entitled to’ and see what child maintenance you might get from him-I think it’s about 19% of his weekly income for 3+ children. Unfortunately as you know, 3 children in childcare can be astronomically expensive.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2023 10:42

All the properties he owns, and the marital home, are assets of the marriage and if you divorce you’re entitled to 50%.

Get as much evidence of his finances as you can now.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/09/2023 10:45

I wouldn't worry about childcare costs OP, keep the job, keep the childcare, divorce him and you should have a nice pot to tide you over and oh dear those houses will have to go as part of that. Totally serves him right. He has treated all these investments like his own personal fiefdom - rent if needs be . It's not the end of the world or look at shared ownerships.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2023 10:45

So childcare will take your entire salary?

Tell him you can no longer pay for anything but the nursery fees - if he insists on not paying, you can refuse to pay your ‘share’ of mortgage/bills.

Tell your parents and his parents what’s happening.

CyberCritical · 03/09/2023 10:45

You mention your culture so just to confirm do you have a Uk legal marriage?

How long have you been married?

Depending on the answer to those questions 'DH' doesn't have 4 houses, he has half of the 4 houses and half of the house you live in currently.

The basic starting point of a financial settlement would be that all assets and debts are pooled and split 50/50.

There are intricacies around that of it was a very short marriage or if assets have been held in trust or ringfenced legally, but starting point is that those assets would either need to be sold and equity split or he would need to buy you put.

Aprilx · 03/09/2023 10:47

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:19

This is my argument back to him all the time. But he refuses to sell any of them and he says that he gets taxed more so his actual in the bank income only covers bills, mortgage and his new business venture.

Show quote history

Divorce seems the only viable option here. Then he will probably have to sell a house or two for the settlement.

CustomCupboard · 03/09/2023 10:47

You are in an abusive relationship OP.

He is a very wealthy man, so you need to get yourself a SHL (shit-hot lawyer) who is used to dealing with high net worth divorce cases.

You will be in an excellent position financially in a divorce as the primary carer of three very young children. You will get a lot of money from your H.

You need excellent legal advice though. Do some research and engage a SHL pronto.

daisychain01 · 03/09/2023 10:48

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out

Buy to Let nowadays is far from lucrative or secure from a landlord's perspective. If your DH loses any one of his tenants from his property portfolio, he has to underwrite the mortgage for the unoccupied property until he or an agent he has appointed manages to get a new tenant, with all the financial checks and balances in place, which can take months. Solvent tenants with a good credit rating are like gold dust.

Just don't assume that because your DH "owns" 4 properties, that it's a bed of roses and he's raking in loads of money. In the current economic climate most B2L landlords are bailing out because the government has made it a lot less attractive than a few years ago.

in your situation I would want to have a complete "cards on the table" discussion about your collective family financial circumstances, to find out the current state of his property portfolio and any risks he is having to mitigate. You may find he's being secretive about the reality of his financial set up.

NamelessNancy · 03/09/2023 10:49

He's actually told you he would hide money to avoid paying for his own kids after a divorce? What a great dad. I'd leave him for that alone.

As others have said it sounds like you'd be fine with your share of the assets. Get legal advice.

Original poster
Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:52

CyberCritical · 03/09/2023 10:45

You mention your culture so just to confirm do you have a Uk legal marriage?

How long have you been married?

Depending on the answer to those questions 'DH' doesn't have 4 houses, he has half of the 4 houses and half of the house you live in currently.

The basic starting point of a financial settlement would be that all assets and debts are pooled and split 50/50.

There are intricacies around that of it was a very short marriage or if assets have been held in trust or ringfenced legally, but starting point is that those assets would either need to be sold and equity split or he would need to buy you put.

Yes, we are both born in the UK and have a legal British marriage. He had initially wanted a pre-nup but we never did one as he owned the properties before he met me.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 03/09/2023 10:52

It's not a good idea for you to give up your job to be financially dependent on this man; he is already not sharing his considerable income with you, there is nothing to suggest he will do so if you give up your job.

The way he behaves I'd be considering the future of the relationship if I were you.

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