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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

215 replies

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:01

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

OP posts:
SuperNewMe · 03/09/2023 13:27

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 10:11

Hmm
*He’s a high earner, but is ok with you using up your savings while on maternity leave.
*He is balking at paying for his children, and…
*your mother has been looking after your children because YOU can’t afford it and HE won’t pay.

Do you really think it’s a good idea to make yourself financially vulnerable and completely dependent on him?

This

honeylulu · 03/09/2023 13:28

It's all very well saying OP is married and all money should be pooled but if the H won't pool it how is she supposed to "make him". In any case the legal position is that DURING a marriage the two partners can have joint or separate finances as they wish. It is only in DIVORCE that the law considers the finances as a whole.

I agree it's wholly unfair. The options seem to be;):

  1. Divorce him, you should get a good chunk of equity, hopefully more than 50%. It's complicated that he owned the properties before marriage but helps that you now have 3 kids who you will (I assume) be the RP for. His self employed status makes child maintenance iffy though so you might need to resign yourself to welfare benefits top ups to get by.
  2. Stop paying your "share" of the mortgage and bills. Would that enable you to cover nursery fees? Whatever you do, don't give up work.
  3. Call his bluff (risky but I think it would work here as he won't want to be responsible for the children). Tell him you'll take them out of nursery but you will leave leaving them at home with him while you're at work. He'll object but tell him he's left you with no option so tough. If he rants and raves say OK marriage over, you will leave but the children will have to stay with him as you can't afford to support them alone and he can't force you to take them. Start packing. I bet he will back pedal so fast it will cause smoke!
AhNowTed · 03/09/2023 13:36

As others have said, for gods sake do not give up your job.

He will leave you with no money, you'll have to "ask" for money and he will the the decision maker on every single thing.

Big red flags here OP.

ihadamarveloustime · 03/09/2023 13:41

You're being financially abused.

Seeks legal advice. Perhaps some of those rental homes could be yours, along with a hefty settlement.

Karma2023 · 03/09/2023 13:41

Op, if he continues to focus on money over family life then divorce maybe the only way to get a better balance however beforehand is there anyone in his family that would talk sense into him?

3 children is unbelievably hard and he seems lacking in empathy & compassion.

Do you know if he is comparing your income to someone else? I tend to get suspicious when a husband suddenly starts complaining about their wife

pleasehelpwi3 · 03/09/2023 13:57

One big pot- all income going in.
Each with equal, unfettered access, with both keeping an eye on spending and both agreeing on larger spends but smaller spends not needing to be discussed but also not hidden.
Anything else in a marriage is just odd.
Maybe I'm being naive, but it's worked perfectly for us.

DorasAuntie · 03/09/2023 14:02

'Culture' is an excuse.

Is it normal for men of his culture to behave like this?

You don't have to agree to it.

Be interesting to see how he reacts if he has to share his assets 50-50 if your divorce him.

slobro · 03/09/2023 14:04

If you split you'll get a share of the four properties plus he has to pay maintenance. No brainer, surely!

Nikee20 · 03/09/2023 14:07

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 10:11

Hmm
*He’s a high earner, but is ok with you using up your savings while on maternity leave.
*He is balking at paying for his children, and…
*your mother has been looking after your children because YOU can’t afford it and HE won’t pay.

Do you really think it’s a good idea to make yourself financially vulnerable and completely dependent on him?

100% this.

He sounds horrible!

BungleandGeorge · 03/09/2023 14:18

I wouldn’t count on being better off if you split up- many men get out of paying especially if there’s self employment in the mix. Are the properties mortgaged?
your childcare costs are high for the 3 year old, don’t they all get 15/ 30 funded hours? Personally if you’re on maternity leave I think having both in 3 days a week at a cost of 1.6k a month is ludicrous and a luxury you can’t afford. The eldest could just take the free preschool hours. I wouldn’t give up your job but I also think that you’re being unreasonable expecting the eldest 2 to be in nursery 3 days a week at that cost.

ImNotWorthy · 03/09/2023 14:25

Before seeking a divorce or talking to him further about divorce, get as many details about his finances, houses, businesses etc as you can, it will take time for him to move money etc about, so this gives you a start.

Then find a good divorce solicitor. It may be that you may also need a forensic accountant, but your solicitor should be able to advise. In many cases, solicitor's fees can be deferred, at least partly, until the divorce and settlement are completed.

mycoffeecup · 03/09/2023 14:26

You're supposed to be a family. all money into one pot, all expenses out of it.
Start climbing the career ladder as you'll need the income when you're a single parent........

mn29 · 03/09/2023 14:37

I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc)

WTAF? They are his children, he should be paying an equal share for them at least, although in this situation actually should be a bigger share as he has more income, especially as you’ve given up some of yours to grow/birth/care for HIS children.
Although I actually don’t understand ‘his money /my money’. If you’re a family unit it should be OUR money and decisions should be based on joint income.
As for wanting you to keep three very young children quiet while he works - totally unreasonable. He needs to either pay for childcare or pay for an office somewhere other than where his children are living their lives.

mn29 · 03/09/2023 14:39

pleasehelpwi3 · 03/09/2023 13:57

One big pot- all income going in.
Each with equal, unfettered access, with both keeping an eye on spending and both agreeing on larger spends but smaller spends not needing to be discussed but also not hidden.
Anything else in a marriage is just odd.
Maybe I'm being naive, but it's worked perfectly for us.

Totally agree.

mydogisthebest · 03/09/2023 14:46

So you must have known what his attitude to money was and yet not only did you marry him but you had 3 children with him. Absolutely crazy.

Viviennemary · 03/09/2023 14:51

Up to you both to sort it out. This is the trouble when you become over reliant on a partner's large salary.

Tuxedomom · 03/09/2023 14:56

PinkRoses1245 · 03/09/2023 10:04

(head in hands) sorry but how have you got to this point. When married with kids all income should be pooled. And I’m begging you not to become a stay at home in that scenario. He’s being utterly selfish. Does he not realise they are his offspring as much as yours.

This.

He sounds controlling. As a minimum, those rental properties should be in your name as a basic rate tax payer to reduce tax. Or sell one to free up temporary cash flow until all DC in school.

DorasAuntie · 03/09/2023 15:02

It's not always right to put all the money into one pot.

There are couples where there is a big difference in income who each put 50-50 into the pot for mortgage/ rent, bills and food. Then they each keep some of their own money in savings or spend it.

This is particularly relevant for women as they (IMO) always need a savings pot if they are ever SAHM, or on a lower income because they work p/t to do childcare.

So many women here can't leave relationships easily as they don't have a pound to their name.

Tuxedomom · 03/09/2023 15:03

Just read the updates. Lawyer up now and get as financially educated as possible before telling him you want a divorce.

DorasAuntie · 03/09/2023 15:04

As a minimum, those rental properties should be in your name as a basic rate tax payer to reduce tax.

It's not as simple as that though is it? We don't know the set up.
He might be a limited company and have all kinds of tax perks/ investment advice going on.

Running a business is not just as simple as syphoning profits off to put in her name.

DorasAuntie · 03/09/2023 15:06

BungleandGeorge · 03/09/2023 14:18

I wouldn’t count on being better off if you split up- many men get out of paying especially if there’s self employment in the mix. Are the properties mortgaged?
your childcare costs are high for the 3 year old, don’t they all get 15/ 30 funded hours? Personally if you’re on maternity leave I think having both in 3 days a week at a cost of 1.6k a month is ludicrous and a luxury you can’t afford. The eldest could just take the free preschool hours. I wouldn’t give up your job but I also think that you’re being unreasonable expecting the eldest 2 to be in nursery 3 days a week at that cost.

She works 3 days a week- that's not maternity leave, surely?

Russooooo · 03/09/2023 15:08

Do not give up your job.

In this scenario, teacher resignation deadlines are quite handy. You couldn’t leave until Christmas even if you resigned tomorrow. This means that even if he puts you under great pressure, you have at least a few months of “I can’t quit yet anyway” while you do some serious ground work: photos of bank statements, property deeds, mortgage repayments, payslips, etc.

FWIW, I’m also a teacher, divorced last year, was able to buy a house with less equity than it’s likely you’ll get.

I wish you well Flowers

howshouldibehave · 03/09/2023 15:10

DorasAuntie · 03/09/2023 15:06

She works 3 days a week- that's not maternity leave, surely?

Show quote history

Read the OP-:

DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity

She is presumably on Mat Leave from her 3-day a week teaching job.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/09/2023 15:11

Do not give up your job!

Do this:

  1. set up a new email just for you, invent a fake name for it and don't save the password in your phone. Gmail is good, you can access it via chrome without having to save it - do not keep it open on your phone, log out each time.
  2. Gather up all documents possible passports, financial info, mortgage, rental property addresses, everything. Take photos and send them to your new fake email from your new fake email
  3. Delete original photos from your phone and empty phone delete box
  4. Invent a dental appointment or smear test or something, and book a legal appointment - do not tell him!!
  5. Show your fake email and attachments at the appointment, get their advice
  6. Once you have proper advice, consider your options carefully.

Take your time deciding what to do - but keep your job and say nothing to him that you are considering your options.

You mentioned cultural issues - gather up the children's passports and birth certificates and keep them safely somewhere like with your mum or sister.

Good luck!

Testina · 03/09/2023 15:33

@Tuxedomom “As a minimum, those rental properties should be in your name as a basic rate tax payer to reduce tax”

You’re not an accountant, are you?

Trust me, HMRC aren’t that stupid. They follow the 50/50 rule on taxation of rental income for married couples, unless you submit (and they accept) Form 17. Which he is not going to do. And HMRC wouldn’t be daft enough to accept anyway 🤣

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