Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

[Defeatedmum]

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

Just on the mortgage point, I do same job as you, same FTE. If you can get your deposit back out of the house then I think you can get a mortgage. I have one in my sole name on a buy to let. I used a broker. It wasn't difficult.

Tell your parents everything. You can't live like this.

Besides we don't need any more teachers to quit!

Everyday there is one of these posts. Why do women marry such selfish arseholes.

And go on to have several children with them.

Well this exactly, I am sure all the properties have mortgages and I also don't want to take up the debt etc. I feel he would turn nasty in a divorce.

I thought divorce after the first post, but thought you would be one of those posters who would just ignore that and bury their head in the sand about what an abusive horrible man their husband is.

After the other posts, 100% divorce. Do not give up your job. Gather all evidence of all 'your' (and I use the plural your for a reason - any asset is a joint asset) assets, in secret, and see a solicitor, in secret.

This is awful, and will only get worse.

All the properties he owns, and the marital home, are assets of the marriage and if you divorce you’re entitled to 50%

I don't think we on MN have enough information to be able to make assumptions about the level of the DHs wealth. Unless we have a massive drip feed on the way where the OP says the DH owns all 4 properties outright with no mortgages on any of them, then we would reasonably expect there to be a lot of mortgages and expenditure needed for those properties, which will be a significant risk during the current CoL crisis, success interest rate increases etc.

just as each party gets 50% of the assets in divorce, each party also gets to shoulder 50% of any debts ....

if the DH does own all properties outright, then they are a multi millionaire, meaning that the OP can lawyer up with confidence that he can't hide the marital assets very easily. The OP just needs details of the property addresses and then has a good case for a claim on those assets in divorce. He'll have a hard time trying to dispose of them quickly at the current time, and everything is a matter of public record.

I can understand that - he's hitting the ceiling on his finances too.

But here's the thing, he could sell one of the properties to give you both a bit of a financial cushion. It's not ideal as a landlord to do as people become homeless, and there's the possible BTL mortgage to sort (dunno if he's fixed in).

Selling the shares may be a better route. I would want to keep my job at all costs in your situation

I presume there are mortgages on the 4 houses and he doesn’t own them outright-it may be that half of those wouldn’t give you much. Half of the equity in your current house would be a good deposit on a house £175k?

Look at what that would give you locally. Type in a few details to see what you would be entitled to borrow on your salary as well.

Just seen your update @Defeatedmum and I'm less inclined to leap to the divorce conclusion, at least not before having an open conversation with him.

his refusal to pay for the additional childcare costs could be real concerns about his rather complex business arrangement - sounds like he's bitten off a helluva lot more than he can chew, perhaps dating back some years when times were a lot better eg pre-COVID / Brexit. He could be feeling like the walls are closing in with spiralling bills and uncertainty.

A marriage is about rough with the smooth as you undoubtedly know, so if the financial situation I describe is close to reality, then it would be better to weather the storm together and hopefully come out the other side with sanity intact.

Let's face it with 3 children to care for, it will be a whole lot worse splitting into two households with even more complexity, "be careful what you wish for" ....

You need to divorce the bastard

How is your marriage otherwise, taking finances out of the equation?

I don't really understand how he's gone from earning 150k a year to now struggling. He must be hiding savings?

Do not quit your job.

Hmm. I am the last person to say LTB and I often have my head in my hands reading some very daft, man-hating responses on other threads. BUT......

I think you need to be carefully considering all your options, including a divorce. And I also agree you need to have a discussion with your own family so that they know the situation, as you may need their help initially if you do go down the divorce route.

This man does not sound like someone I would want to be relying on financially in older age.

Never give up your job. Particularly as your DH is showing himself to be financially abusive already.

I would find it very unattractive if my DH treated me & my dc like this.

If he has 5 properties he is paying mortgages on, then I can see it. His mortgage costs may be £5k per month more now than they were last year. Doesn't make his attitude right though.

Keep your job, get rid of the husband...

Seriously you need to speak to a solicitor and work out what you will be entitled to.

Our mortgage was originally £800,000 but £435,000 is left (DH has overpaid the mortgage multiple times).

Where did he get that money from?

Honestly, money is not his and hers when you are married. If owning multiple properties is making a high income earner short of cash then those investments have gone bad and he needs to do whatever is necessary to sort that out. Re the house, it’s the family home.

So he wants you to be a SAHM and simultaneously earn more. It’s Schrödinger’s financial abuse. Have a LTB on me.

Struggling? Just stop it!
Spectacularly irresponsible and shit with money imo.
You can't stand up to him in the relationship so thinking of divorce? Flabbergasted.

Financially, I will be better off with a divorce

Im not sure you will. If he gives you half of any equity and savings, unless that buys you a house outright where you are, will you be able to get a mortgage on a part time wage and can you afford to pay it as well. He’ll probably stop paying any nursery fees and just give you the basic CMS each month-will that even cover the £1600 childcare bill let alone bills/food.

@Createausername1970 but he also has S&S & has managed to pay off almost 400k of their own home. Something doesn't add up & clearly the op is in the dark

From earning £150k a year and renting out for other properties, would be my guess!

Just don't assume that because your DH "owns" 4 properties, that it's a bed of roses and he's raking in loads of money.

I'm not assuming that although I would question why someone would leverage themselves so much, either way he could sell a property & reduce his struggle