Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

[Defeatedmum]

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

As soon as you mentioned divorce he’ll have been squirrelling money away so you don’t find it.

Buy to let mortgages need a minimum 25% deposit and I bet he’s paid off more. Yes Btl aren’t very financially lucrative now but he’s had these years and it has been easy money until now. At the very minimum there is 25% equity in every one of those houses plus the huge equity in your own home. Half of all that would get you a small mortgage free house plus you have potential to get a mortgage on a teachers salary.

He’ll have to pay some maintenance even if the accountant does cook the books. It can’t be made to show he’s living on thin air.

Good advice.

Get as much financial evidence as you can. He’ll be hiding it as we speak.

Trust me, HMRC aren’t that stupid. They follow the 50/50 rule on taxation of rental income for married couples, unless you submit (and they accept) Form 17.

Ooh….. does that mean that half of the rental income is treated as OP’s, and she is taxed on it….. in which case she should actually be receiving it, surely?

Usual Mumsnet pie in the sky ideal world. This is real life. If your partner won't pool income nothing you can do about it other than divorce/leave. There is a thread about this problem nearly every day on here.

Financial abuse with bells on.

Good advice above - take it.

You will be much better off alone getting CMS and using UC to pay childcare.

@Defeatedmum
Do you know the start point for divorce is 50-50? You may well get more than half the equity to allow a clean break and to account for the disparity in earnings.
You own half of everything.
Depending on where you are, that equity would buy you a house outright.
Also, child maintenance on a salary of 150k with him having kids 1 night per week is £2000.
You most likely wouldn't get universal credit due to savings (tapers between 6 and 16k), but should apply for an assessment if you do split.
DO NOT give up work, keep your independence. It also gives you a pension.

I'd sit him down and have a frank conversation, cards on the table.

Ideally all money should go in the household pot and everything (inc. nursery) come out of it (including equal spends to allow you to save if you wish).

You have had loads of replies so maybe don't need any more..

DH.. I did not marry you and have three children to give up everything and become 100% beholden to you. My lifetime earning possibilities and future pensions are lower due to me being female, then permamently impacted by three pregnancies, further impacted by going part time. If I give up my job and have to ask you for money to pay for your children, I loose, not only my earning capacity and future pension but my dignity and my identity. This is not what we agreed. Either we pool finances, or we split thm.

Well put @ChateauMargaux .

I'd say if a man won't do that, don't marry him.

Why not stay home and take care of the children while your husband allows that. Why pay for day car and let strangers spend time with your kids if you have the opportunity to give them your love while being fresh and not stressed out at work. You can always go back to work later on. Why be in a hurry with the divorce, you can divorced later after spending some quality time with your children.
As for the 75/25 mortgage, do you own the 25% officially? If so will he continue paying on your behalf? If you carry on staying with children and he pays the mortgage and supports filly supports you, I do not see how that could be an issue or a reason for divorce

This is terrible advise.

To paraphrase, why not do as your told as long as he "allows", and let a controlling arsehole dictate what you do. Continue to service this man so you can stay in the home. Meanwhile your spirit will be shot to pieces, but never mind you can pick up what remains of your career once he's done with you. Because god forbid your children be left with "strangers".

He's not a nice person. The sooner you cut your losses the better IMO.

Worth repeating.

And if he says No …?

Those are great points and something to think about before getting married and having children with a “monster” like that, who god forbid offers his wife a less stressful, relaxing and comfortable life in gratitude for the 3 children of his she gave birth to.
If he is in any way abusive that’s a completely different story, but there’s nothing to in the story to suggest he is.
Nowadays women emasculate men in every possible way. Mocking chivalry and attacking men who try to be responsible and take care of their families Feminism s not about taking on men’s responsibilities or roles. It’s about having rights and a choice to do what’s best for you, and there’s no bad choice if you’re happy with it.
She can get a divorce a few years later after her children had a pleasant childhood if she feels it’s necessary.
I know plenty of women that would love to stay home with kids instead of having the stress of both - working and parenthood. Unfortunately not all of them are lucky.

@Siatanaas

Again more terrible advice.

If you think he's not abusive you should read the OP again.

And please, spare me the anti-feminist stuff.

The OP is being walked over and rinsed financially, and you're actually ADVOCATING she do so for the "comfortable" he's "giving" her.

Most of us have moved on from what our mothers put up with.

Well if someone wants to live their life coming from work to work (taking care of children) it their choice. Once again if it’s their CHOICE that’s the only thing that matters.

Just a shame that men are pushed to this by women and then we have posts like “he wants me to monzo him money for my coffee” or “DH wouldn’t financially contribute to this or that”

And some of us have to live with the consequences

I would personally never have a child with a men who l’s not ready to fully support me afterwards unless we get a surrogate and then do everything around the house and child care 50/50. But that feels more like a business arrangement than a relationship which actually involves any feelings.

This. it’s so odd when people do this within marriage .

Women should never accept this set up while having multiple children by their husband, because inevitably the women’s salary takes the hit or they are expected to be financially dependent on their husband while not having access to a joint account. I always say a generous poor man is better than a rich miserly man.

Have you just turned up from the 1950s? Dear God woman. You think the OP should be grateful and stay at home as her husband is allowing her to? Crikey I must be your absolute worst nightmare - I work full time, manage all the household finances and, wait for it, kids were both in nursery being looked after by strangers from an early age.
Being a SAHM is a valid choice but the OP is having her choice to work invalidated by financial threats from her husband. You might want to read the post again.

'Why not stay home and take care of the children while your husband allows that. Why pay for day car and let strangers spend time with your kids if you have the opportunity to give them your love while being fresh and not stressed out at work. You can always go back to work later on. Why be in a hurry with the divorce, you can divorced later after spending some quality time with your children.
As for the 75/25 mortgage, do you own the 25% officially? If so will he continue paying on your behalf? If you carry on staying with children and he pays the mortgage and supports filly supports you, I do not see how that could be an issue or a reason for divorce'

Why not?

Well....
-because women are just as capable as men in the workplace
-because working gives financial independence, better long term security
-because no one ever assumes dad should stop working even though men are just as able to look after kids and home (though if they're the sexist type they'll act helpless!)
-because no one ever actually gets strangers to look after their children. It's just a pejorative phrase used on Mumsnet
-because children with working parents grow up just as happy and fully rounded as children of SAHP

If he is in any way abusive that’s a completely different story, but there’s nothing to in the story to suggest he is.

Apart from the bit where he said that if she divorced him he would get his accountant to hide his income so he wouldn’t have to pay child maintenance… the bit where he refuses to sell one of his 5 houses or any investments so that his wife no longer struggles to meet all the costs of their 3 children out of her maternity pay.…. his wife, who put all her savings into the deposit for their house so she has none, while he still does…. his wife, who, if she gave up work to stay at home would stop accruing pension rights.

I mean, yeah - if he made all his bank accounts joint, so that she could see how much money there was, and spend it as needed, and pay into a private pension in her name, then fine. But given his past conduct, that seems very unlikely.

And other husbands when being told to be for no good reason give the ex wife all their property with no questions asked.

She’s putting herself in a situation where she’s struggling financially, he offering her food and a home and everything she needs to raise their children stress free. And he’s the bad guy?

Why would you wanna sell something you own to pay someone else to take care of your kids while your wife is going to take care of someone else’s kids. That’s ridiculous. You can do it yourself and keep money in the family.

As for her savings and the house, she had her 25% and if he pays the mortgage, wouldn’t she get more in a few years if her share stays the same and he repays mortgage on her behalf?
That is if she didn’t just give him the money and let him be the official owner 100%.

The pension part is reasonable. So she can ask for that instead of a divorce.

Being capable and taking on responsibilities/work if you don’t have to - different things

Financial independence is when you don’t have to work for someone. This just changes who she’s dependent on and only makes sense if you’re actually in the middle of building a successful career. And how many of us can say they’ve done that (men and women)? Most people are just average.

Dad’s could stop working and some of them do.
Helpless men? So who’s taking care of the home and kids after work then?

In this case it’s literally paying someone loads of money to look after your kids while she’s gonna look after someone else’s kids. Which makes no sense whatsoever. So the husband is absolutely adequate.

Children with working parents grow up and put their parents in care homes and visit them for Christmas.

Who takes of the house and children when you come home and need some rest? Your husband? An au pair?
Frankly not all of us find working 24/7 so enticing.

@Siatanaas nothing wrong with being a SAHM and fully looked after and provided for 'if' it's in good spirit , jointly decided on and full access to family money etc- but that isn't what's happening here. She has little money after her contributions, has no idea of where the family income is going and it appears he's in over his head on all these BTLs- she has every right to know where this not insubstantial income is going. That's what marriage is- a partnership- otherwise don't get married, don't have a family. Also appears that on one hand he wants her to earn more and on the other hand stay at home- this is a very unrealistic and greedy man , not open, not transparent and to be frank not worthy of love or respect - as he offers neither. The OP told me on a previous response he was under pressure from family and cultural expectations - it's clear he is money obsessed , has big ideas, probably an ego a mile wide and doesn't get that if you are struggling you sell a couple of your houses, you don't put money into new businesses and you don't overpay your mortgage at that time.