Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

[Defeatedmum]

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

This man has an interest in 5 properties, shares, earns £150K a year and already had a relationship with dodgy accountants. He’s also up to speed on the theory of hiding income to reduce impact to him of divorce.
And you think he needs a financial adviser? 🤣

Do you know the addresses of all the rental properties? First thing I would do is register a financial interest in them so you can't transfer ownership to anyone else without you being informed and blocking it.

Oh God not another of these threads.

When will people stop this ridiculous 'my money'/'his money' bollocks when they are married? Does nobody know what marriage actually means?

OP, see a solicitor. Tell the solicitor that your husband is likely to try to minimise his income and assets if you divorce. If you can, get access to and take photos/make copies of anything which will demonstrate that he is hiding income and assets (as that's what he'll do when it comes to it).

Marriage is not a fluffy romantic thing - it's a legal contract which means that the participants can pretend all they like, but the money is legally all in the same pot.

I haven’t read the whole thread so someone else might have said this, but start getting ALL the financial evidence you can of his earnings, business finances, amount he owes and gets from rent on his houses, all of it. Print/take copies and electronic copies and hide them at work/your parents or somewhere. He will try to hide or get rid of it all if/when you start divorce proceedings.

I'm not 100% sure of this, but if you divorced him would you be entitled to 50% of ALL of the properties? Plus child maintenance.

This thread should be handed to women when they get fitted for an engagement ring. I'm so sick of hearing women talk anbout childcare etc as their financial problem. Two parents, two contributors. In a relationship with kids all money should be pooled till everyone has food, clothes, care and a roof over their head. Fine if some people want a pot outside that. But until everyone has the same standard of living... same pot. I hope you get the support you need OP

@Defeatedmum can you sit him down and have a look at ALL income, yours and his separately and at ALL outgoings, again separately.

Then look at it as combined household income... as he's into % and finance, you can then suggest a joint bills and household expenses account where each pays in their % to cover the bills and things like food for all and clothes for the DC and family days out. That's your family budget. Each should have acess to it.
If he’s difficult, make a financial case for your FT work and nursery costs.

This should then leave each of you with some pocket money to spend on yourselves.

No, she wouldn’t. Not just like that. Financial orders are far more complex than that.

What an unbelievably financially abusive prick he is.

Divorce him. Pay for a forensic accountant if needs be. Annihilate him, financially.

BTW, I'm in the exact same position as you in that I'm a teacher working 3 days per week. It's fucking horrendous. You must also be sacrificing your health trying to spin all of those plates - planning, marking, keeping up to date with changes in the school, housework, looking after young children etc. Nevermind adding financial abuse to the mix. What a selfish fucker your husband is.

You'd be better off leaving him.

Assemble photos on your phone of every piece of financial information you can.

Every pay slip, bank account, morgage information, shares, pensions, everything that you can access.

A forensic accountant would be a good call.
Get a recommendation for a solicitor.

Call Womens aid for advice.

By trying to force you to give up work, he is coercively controlling you.

This is a crime, a real crime.

You can report him to the police.
Getting advice is key.

Tell family and friends.

I am an old mum now but it is makes me so angry how women are still been trapped because they give birth or have lower paid jobs
The third child is so often the trap.
Do not give up work divorce first. Sorry if this is spoiling your time with your baby. Time he took some responsibility for his fathering.

I would photo copy all his paper work showing the propertys he owns and then I would see a lawyer about a divorce. You can be sure he will try and hide stuff so you wont get a penny. Be smart and plan ahead. P.s he is really horrible and abusive by the sounds if it.

Yes @Palmtreesinwinter and prospective governments and current governments reinforce that it's a woman's problem.
government should lead on this instead of underlining that it's a woman's problem.

Ahh OP I'm so sorry to read all of this. It's clear financial abuse. He wants the little wife at home looking after his kids (and him) but not to pay for what that costs. I hate to say it but he sees you as a cleaner/nanny/domestic help from what you've said, he is not a partner in any real sense. He doesn't have your back, he has no respect for you.

I very very rarely say this but please, leave him. I would not be surprised if he hadn't squirrelled away some money you don't even know about. Get a lawyer and as PPs have said gather as much financial information as you can. I am pretty sure you would be better off single/divorced with your rightful share of the marital assets plus CMS. Plus far happier.

You say you WERE financially secure before deciding to have baby number 3 but now you’re not and baby is only 6 months old? What specifically has happened to make your DH’s finances (but actually your family finances) so unstable now that he’s refusing to pay childcare for your children? My DH and I earn pretty much the same as you, but I’ll be honest and say it sounds like you’re very over extended as a family given the current economic climate. The nursery bills and mortgage will be a huge chunk, plus your DH will pay high taxes due to his income. As you say, no tax free childcare and no child benefit as it all has to be paid back. Don’t leave you job but you really need to consider your finances here and whether you want to stay married because your DH sounds to be controlling the ship but steering you all into a storm.

This is true. A lot of people think that any marriage means automatic entitlement to 50% of everything but it's not as simple as that, particularly with properties owned pre-marriage that were never the marital home. However it still sounds like the OP would be better off divorcing and receiving half of whatever assets are in the 'marital pot' than living how she is now with this hideous man.

This.
Youre struggling. As in just you. He isn’t. He’s the one making you struggle.

The word “textbook” really.

He needs to be reminded that the children are 50% his, and to pay up accordingly.

OP might not have access to the family money.

I agree with others. Don’t say any more about splitting up for now. Talk to him about the financial position. Gather as much evidence as you can, photograph documents, write down what he says and email it to yourself. Get the information so if you do reach the point where divorce is the only option you can challenge him on the finances with factual information.

I can't actually work out how he thinks this would work better financially? He would have to cover absolutely everything for you him and the kids and all of the mortgage. How does this make financial sense? Plus once your kids are out of childcare and in school you can build up work hours again/save more due to no childcare. Do not give up work!

Absolutely do not give up work and become a SAHM. The most important thing is that you retain some financial independence and a foothold in the workplace.

(I'm shocked that you use grandparents for unpaid childcare with the income and assets your family has though)