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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
PookyToots · 30/08/2023 01:38

I walk my dog with a married man from the next street who's 7ish years younger. We text most days when we're going out as our dogs get on well. We sometimes drive to various local woods. I definitely don't fancy him. Although, there's been no birthday presents and my partner walks with him too, when it's his turn. I'm not aware his wife has an issue with it either.

momonpurpose · 30/08/2023 01:48

BusinessClass · 29/08/2023 23:20

His head is turning faster than the demon in The Exorcist.

You got that right! OP put your foot down this because nothing good will come this "dog walking"

Cowlover89 · 30/08/2023 01:49

Wouldn't bother me

coxesorangepippin · 30/08/2023 01:51

and she just said it was nice our dog has a friend

^

😂😂

Emz6103 · 30/08/2023 02:35

Thing is, why is a 23 yr old hanging around and texting your husband? Not normal behaviour for a 23 yr old, normally they're texting their friends and meeting up with male friends not hanging around with a married man to get their dogs together. He must have given her something to make her want to text him and get the dogs together. Strange how she had a puppy and not a grown dog, and they just happened to be in the same area and just happened to start talking about dogs.....sure she didn't get one after they "clicked"? It's not right for a married man to click with another woman and it's certainly not right for a married man to meet another woman twice a week regardless of the reason why. Like I said he must have given her reason to be interested and the whole thing sounds bazar tbh, "oh let's get our dogs together on a play date" and if they clicked over dogs what do they talk about twice a week? Dogs? They must click over something else too so what do they talk about? Work? Married life? He knows you don't like dogs that's why he asked you to come because he knows you won't go. There's three of you in this marriage and all this talk of "you'd really like her" is because he really likes her too. Him telling you he leaves it twelve hours before he texts back is indirectly telling you that there's more than just dogs and furthermore she's on his mind whilst he waiting to text her. I'd get a mate to follow him n see what the crack is, you can't have your husband thinking about, meeting up with and talking, walking and texting another woman. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't be going, she'd be persuing other interests. Either go n see what's going on or send someone else. Don't be wasting your life on a man who's clearly in someone else's. You deserve better.

merrymelodies · 30/08/2023 02:47

My former BIL met his current wife in exactly this way. My SIL divorced him sharpish.

Emz6103 · 30/08/2023 02:50

She means she wouldn't allow it, she wasn't talking to you, the comment wasn't directed at you and she didn't ask for your opinion. No I wouldn't allow it either I wouldn't allow my husband to make me unhappy by meeting up with a young woman. What have they got in common apart from both having a dog? He's married and she is a very young woman and I'll bet they don't talk about dogs the whole time so what are they talking about? What does a young woman and a married man almost In his 40s have to talk about twice a week? Why does a married man almost in his 40s want to hang around with a young woman....to talk about her social life? Marriage? Work? Usually men of that age like to be with people their own age because their life experiences are on a par and I can't see how they have common ground and there's only so much you can say about a dog so that leaves one thing......

user1492757084 · 30/08/2023 03:00

You need to pull your head out of the sand and go on a couple of the dog walks. You've been invited.
You don't know the person and if you go along a few time you might be able to make friends, assess her and suggest that her sending one picture of her dog every now and again is delightful but sending many is unnecessary.
You might also notice that she might have a crush of sorts on your husband, or not, and be ablr to discuss that with im and how he might let her down gently if he needs to.
Your DH could be sweet and slightly ignorant or gullible..
She could be spending all her time discussing her boyfriend, who knows, or she could think of your DH as her Dad's vintage??

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2023 03:28

Sounds to me like he gets on with her with no "side" to it. She has a massive crush on him and although he doesnt fancy her, likes her friendship so is keeping her at arms length (the delay in replying shows that he can see that there is more to it than just friendship on her side).

So I would take him at his word and go with them. Ask him to arrange it for the next few weeks for a time that you can go, then make a big deal about how much you liked it that you would like to go together every time. Either she will lose interest or (and I suspect that this is the one that will happen) she will suddenly only be available for their walks when you are at work. What he does then will be the most telling thing.

Paq · 30/08/2023 03:28

It's entirely possible that it's completely innocent. Go on a walk with them OP and see for yourself .

Caroparo52 · 30/08/2023 03:34

As a dog lover I've made new friends with people I've met based purely on mutual love of the pets.
Dog loving people are a bit like a mutual club which you've said you don't belong to.
That said, although he's being very open about it, I would be pissed off , suspicious, jealous, uncomfortable with his choice of dog walking companion and be looking to end it. There are 100's of daytime dog walkers about. He's chosen the one who boosts his ego and is enjoying the flattery. Bugger that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2023 03:35

The thing is, although people screaming "affair" are wrong at the moment imo, I agree that this has the great potential to become one.

If she has a crush and he hasnt headed it off at the pass, either through naivety or ego, it could easily become "she understands me better than @themadcarter ". I think that @themadcarter would do best to make her presence very much real and not some imaginary presence that this woman cant fantasise into being a vile bitch who the DH needs rescuing from.

Daffyaboutdaffs · 30/08/2023 03:37

Agree with most posters that say you should go on the dog walks for a few times. This will give you a much better idea of the situation and you can go from there.

Purpleplace · 30/08/2023 03:43

Emz6103 · 30/08/2023 02:35

Thing is, why is a 23 yr old hanging around and texting your husband? Not normal behaviour for a 23 yr old, normally they're texting their friends and meeting up with male friends not hanging around with a married man to get their dogs together. He must have given her something to make her want to text him and get the dogs together. Strange how she had a puppy and not a grown dog, and they just happened to be in the same area and just happened to start talking about dogs.....sure she didn't get one after they "clicked"? It's not right for a married man to click with another woman and it's certainly not right for a married man to meet another woman twice a week regardless of the reason why. Like I said he must have given her reason to be interested and the whole thing sounds bazar tbh, "oh let's get our dogs together on a play date" and if they clicked over dogs what do they talk about twice a week? Dogs? They must click over something else too so what do they talk about? Work? Married life? He knows you don't like dogs that's why he asked you to come because he knows you won't go. There's three of you in this marriage and all this talk of "you'd really like her" is because he really likes her too. Him telling you he leaves it twelve hours before he texts back is indirectly telling you that there's more than just dogs and furthermore she's on his mind whilst he waiting to text her. I'd get a mate to follow him n see what the crack is, you can't have your husband thinking about, meeting up with and talking, walking and texting another woman. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't be going, she'd be persuing other interests. Either go n see what's going on or send someone else. Don't be wasting your life on a man who's clearly in someone else's. You deserve better.

“it's certainly not right for a married man to meet another woman twice a week regardless of the reason why.”
what, not even dialysis?

honestly, incredible comment, I lost it at “There's three of you in this marriage”. Fantastic.

ZenNudist · 30/08/2023 03:52

You do need to stamp on this. The fact that your DH has started this says a lot about him. He's not a trustworthy or worthwhile partner. I suppose going on every single dog walk and holding his hand is one way to go but I CBA with the game playing.

Would he end it if you told him how you felt?

wordler · 30/08/2023 04:00

He’s enjoying the attention - all you have to do is go on these walks too for the next four weeks.

l

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2023 04:08

ZenNudist · 30/08/2023 03:52

You do need to stamp on this. The fact that your DH has started this says a lot about him. He's not a trustworthy or worthwhile partner. I suppose going on every single dog walk and holding his hand is one way to go but I CBA with the game playing.

Would he end it if you told him how you felt?

I doubt he would because at the moment it is entirely innocent. He has no agenda, she is his friend so what is the problem?

Most affairs start like that in people who you would say "I never thought he would do that to me!", because they wouldnt think that they would do that either. Then they fall into the "friend" trap.........

Thats why a lot of us think that the OP making her mark as a real person who embraces the chance to make a new friend will make a difference. Worst case scenario, if one of them is actively seeking an affair then they will at least realise that the Op isnt going to make it easy. It will also flush out intent. Whichever one of them suddenly cant arrange walks when she is free is the one on the cop.

Best case, she makes a new friend.

Frogger8395 · 30/08/2023 04:18

I couldn’t be arsed with this nonsense. Bonded over a dog? Bollocks.

Sausage1989 · 30/08/2023 04:18

Hawkins0090 · 29/08/2023 23:28

Also why are poster s advocating controlling behaviours, ?

I know, right?! Imagine if it was the other way around! Husband doesn't want wife to have a friend of the opposite sex. And she's not that much younger than him. When I was 23 I had friends (male and female) a lot older than 35. Being controlling and jealous is so unattractive.

Sausage1989 · 30/08/2023 04:19

And 'bonded over a dog' means they got talking over dogs but enjoyed their chat. I very rarely start talking to someone and genuinly enjoy their company (I am an introvert too) but when I do its usually the most random chat over something really normal and boring but we just 'click' and have a laugh etc.

ZenNudist · 30/08/2023 04:29

Sausage1989 · 30/08/2023 04:18

I know, right?! Imagine if it was the other way around! Husband doesn't want wife to have a friend of the opposite sex. And she's not that much younger than him. When I was 23 I had friends (male and female) a lot older than 35. Being controlling and jealous is so unattractive.

Show quote history

At 35 no I wasn't proper friends with any 23yos. We would have had nothing in common. I can't imagine a normal 30+ yo woman wanting to hang out twice a week with a 23yo man.

floribunda18 · 30/08/2023 04:50

Lizlibrarian · 30/08/2023 00:19

I have recently started a friendship with an older male. Met in our local cafe. I message him a couple of times a week and we do meet occasionally. I'm a female in my 30s, hes 50. Both married. Spouses have no issues with it. Me and friend have a hobby in common that is how we got talking. Is this not allowed these days? He's not my only male friend. People on here are insecure.

Catch yourself on.

floribunda18 · 30/08/2023 04:55

Oioicaptain · 30/08/2023 01:10

In my early 20s I had quite a few friends that were older men (in their 40s). We just clicked at work and got on well. We would buy each other gifts (really silly joke type things usually). There was honestly nothing in it. We connected over things like panic attacks/anxiety and could sympathise with each other going through bad times etc. It doesn't sound too dodgy to me from what you have said. It sounds just like someone to walk the dog with. However, why not go and meet her to scope things out.

Oh yes "work wives". It's always an older man with a younger woman isn't it? Again, very naïve.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 30/08/2023 05:28

You say he's an isolated person with few friends. Is she the same? Two awkward people who have found something to bond with someone over?

NorwayLass · 30/08/2023 05:36

Puppy owners are quite crazy! It could be innocent, join them for a walk.

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