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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 30/08/2023 07:27

I don't think it's necessarily a crush type thing. When I was 19 I had three good male friends in their late 30s (obviously had other friends too!) and we're still friends now nearly two decades later. I would hate to think their respective partners suspected anything but I actually became friends with all of them too! Sometimes people really do just click. But you know your husband and you're clearly uncomfortable and it's OK to say that.

Hollywolly1 · 30/08/2023 07:32

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 00:05

The man found someone locally who was interested and available to take part in doggy play dates. He didn't place an order , he simply accepted the person who was available and interested. Had a 70 year old female expressed interest and availability he would probably have gone that route.

If your marriage is endanger or threatened by this relationship, maybe your relationship was not very solid to begin with. Perhaps he should place an add saying "elderly unattractive senior citizens are needing as dog walking companions." must pass the wife's sniff test.,"

I think this post is very unfair on the op,you would have to be in a very deep sleep not to know what is happening here

imed · 30/08/2023 07:32

Join in the next walk at the last minute and don't forget to update us...

RedHelenB · 30/08/2023 07:34

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:17

It's really odd. I told a friend a very brief outline and she just said it was nice our dog has a friend and then she switched up and said he must be cheating so now I don't know what to think! Meeting up every week is too much imo, surely you wouldn't do that as new casual friends who bonded over just the fact you both have a dog? He has offered for me to come but he knows I couldn't think of anything worse

Well go then, call his bluff.

meganorks · 30/08/2023 07:35

I'm clearly in the minority here, but I can see how they would connect. It's not just someone with a dog. It's someone he works with and they have similar age dogs, still in the puppy phase. And if the dogs get on and play together then i can see why they would want to meet up. I found walking my dog as a puppy really stressful trying to let him off lead but also make sure he didn't bother people. So I can see how it would be nice to have someone else to go with.
Why don't you just go along with him one time like he suggests? You are saying you already dislike this woman, which I find a biy weird to be honest.

lucya66 · 30/08/2023 07:37

Me and my OH walk our dog together. It’s nice quality time and we have our best talks when we walk the dog, as we’re in nature and nothing is distracting us. I love our walks and we always make time for them together.

men and women can be mates and occasionally he could walk the dog with a friend if he wanted to, and me the same, but that’s once every month or more, not weekly!

id definitely go and suss her out. She might be a bit naive about it, or she might be after him. I get why he might like the attention of a 23 year old. He’s only human and we all like attention, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to indulge in this. Especially so brazenly. This is how feeling’s develop.

Maybe it’s innocent but it’s more likely the start of an affair. You need to speak to him.

BreatheAndFocus · 30/08/2023 07:38

Yep, definitely join the next walk! She’s either unbelievably immature and naive or she fancies him. He’s an adult male. Why on earth does he need a companion to go on dog walks with? I walk my dog alone, as do most people. It’s good thinking time. We go via a park where we often bump into other dog walkers, half a dozen of which we’ve become good friends with so have a good old chat. What we dont do is text each other to arrange one to one meet-ups.

I know people go ‘he’s not your possession blah blah’ but most men are surprisingly blind to women’s motives, and by the time they realise they’ve become too enmeshed.

Hollywolly1 · 30/08/2023 07:38

Mikimoto · 30/08/2023 07:05

It's absolutely incredible the number of couples on here who don't trust their partners.
Quite sad, really.

So you would be happy to have another woman buying gifts for your husband? Okay you are cool or a fool

ladyofshertonabbas · 30/08/2023 07:40

Go on the walks. She’s a problem!

Yetanothernewname101 · 30/08/2023 07:40

It sounds like she has a bit of a crush on him, it's her sending all the doggie photos etc. It's a tricky situation because it's a work colleague so presumably your husband feels he has to be nice etc
He's probably desperate for you to get out on one of the walks hoping it will put her right and she might stop the incessant photos.

Salmakia · 30/08/2023 07:42

I'm 36 and have a friend who's 23, he's not a dog person though so we didn't meet up for dog walks but would go out drinking. My partner didn't try to stop me having a younger friend of the opposite sex because he's not a control freak. Some of the replies here are so extreme.

People do love their dogs and I don't think it's suspicious she send photos of her dog to the colleague who also loves dogs, she's not sending naked selfies 😂 go on a walk or two if you want to check her out but it's incredibly unfair for you to claim you can't stand her when she's done nothing wrong. She might even be gay for all you know, would you still resent the friendship then?

PietariKontio · 30/08/2023 07:42

Well of course it might be an affair or the beginning of one, but no one, despite the ease at which they can conflate the scenario into being similar to ones that have been affairs, knows for sure.

Equally, it can be entirely fine, like thousands of different sex/age group friendships that are going on all the time.

For example, I worked for about 5 years in a job where I would guess 30% of the team were women in their 20s (I was in my late 40s at the time, and am male, for relevance) I was friends with two due to our shared enjoyment of a sport, and we trained together and chatted about it (and shock horror, even non-sport-related topics) thru' Facebook. My wife wasn't bothered in the slightest, and there were no ulterior motives between any of us.

Fast forward two years and I'd changed jobs, and met a man who enjoyed the same sport, so we did the same as I had with the two women. The fact that in one scenario it was women, and the second, a man, was purely circumstantial, no-one else we worked with was into that sport, we got on well, so that's how it worked out.

One thing that posters have mentioned a couple of times, was the "what on earth does someone in their 40s and someone in their 20s have to talk about?"
I must admit I'm at a loss with this thinking. Do people in their 40s only talk about mortgages, old age, and the war in Ukraine, and those in their 20s only talk about Taylor Swift, make-up, and Harry Styles?

I have two grown-up children in their 20s, I'm now in my 50s and we have in-depth discussions about politics, sport, the environment, and 100s of other things. While I agree that a romantic relationship with someone that much younger would be my idea of hell, friendships, conversations, and shared pursuits are totally believable, and there's not so much of a difference between the age groups as human beings, that would prevent that. In fact, the difference in perspective between generations can be more interesting, rather than less so.

But OP, if you are worried, I would go on the walk, not as a spying, or marking your territory type thing, but just to share both an activity and friendship your partner has. If you still come away worried, then that's different, because, obviously, people can be shits, and you shouldn't be oblivious to the possibility.

21ZIGGY · 30/08/2023 07:43

Youre all ridiculous.

Op, you sound so jealous. Its a colleague, i assume. They meet for 1 hour twice a week? They probably talk about work and bitch about colleagues. If you dont cool it, theyll bitch about you too soon. You said you hate a woman youve never met!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/08/2023 07:44

Sounds like its her not him.

But... the best defence is a good offense. I'd be deciding to get fit and ensuring i was joining them on every walk

themadcarter · 30/08/2023 07:45

I say I hate her because she is constantly sending photos to a married man? Knowing even he takes a day to respond to them and frequently asking when they are gonna next meet up etc. I'm hardly going to love her

OP posts:
Loulou599 · 30/08/2023 07:45

Stop dragging your feet, just get on with it and join them on a walk to clock the situation

BeCuriousNotJudgemental · 30/08/2023 07:47

LadyVictoriaSponge · 29/08/2023 23:20

Funny how these men never click with 62 year old Frank and his new puppy.

Made me laugh out loud 😂

DameCurlyBassey · 30/08/2023 07:50

Hawkins0090 · 29/08/2023 23:26

If this was reversed it would be a different kettle of fish one would presume ?
He's been open and honest op, where's the trust ?

I don’t know her but from her post I can’t imagine op doing this. It would be a flagrant mickey-take, no?

Hollywolly1 · 30/08/2023 07:51

21ZIGGY · 30/08/2023 07:43

Youre all ridiculous.

Op, you sound so jealous. Its a colleague, i assume. They meet for 1 hour twice a week? They probably talk about work and bitch about colleagues. If you dont cool it, theyll bitch about you too soon. You said you hate a woman youve never met!!

People have friends of the opposite sex all the time and share hobbies of course its no big deal but the op is a bit uneasy with this for a reason

Luciansmum6 · 30/08/2023 07:51

I’d be going to each and every walk

Hollywolly1 · 30/08/2023 07:53

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/08/2023 07:44

Sounds like its her not him.

But... the best defence is a good offense. I'd be deciding to get fit and ensuring i was joining them on every walk

I don't agree,he seems to be dancing to her tune remember it takes 2

MsDogLady · 30/08/2023 07:53

…but I do think there is some kind of feelings/chemistry there.

New relationship, buzzy mentionitis, over-frequent level of contact, gifting

@themadcarter, your H is building an inappropriate emotional connection with this young woman. She is clearly smitten and in pursuit. He knows this and has set the 12 hour reply boundary, perhaps to fool himself or you that he has no illicit agenda. Regardless, he has a crush and is attracted to her adoration, and they’re still chatting and meeting up twice a week.

I wouldn’t tolerate this in my marriage. He’s in emotional affair territory and playing with fire. If you want to observe the lay of the land, do accompany him on some walks, but you absolutely do need to throw cold water on this, pronto, before it further escalates. He can pursue this ego validation all he wants, but not while married to you.

nonheme · 30/08/2023 07:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

diddl · 30/08/2023 07:54

I think that she overstepped with the bday present.

That said-don't you trust him Op?

araiwa · 30/08/2023 07:55

Isolated. No hobbies. Very few friends

I wonder fucking why?!

Massive red flags of controlling, abusive behaviour