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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2023 00:20

Tell your H, you've started going for lunchtime walks with a 23 year old male work college, during lunch break. It’s just the two of you.

See how he reacts.

stevalnamechanger · 30/08/2023 00:21

Hmmm I clicked with a 68 year old woman walking dogs lol we are now besties and chat most days

I don't think it's that odd ?

stevalnamechanger · 30/08/2023 00:24

I also have a collection of other batshit people I walk with 😂, very eccentric mix of people I've met out

lemmein · 30/08/2023 00:27

If my DH suggested he was going on 'doggy playdates' I'd think he'd gone fucking mad no matter who his companion was.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 00:28

BusinessClass · 29/08/2023 23:20

His head is turning faster than the demon in The Exorcist.

I am definitely going to use this race!

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 00:28

I mean, I am definitely going to use this phrase!

gotthearse · 30/08/2023 00:38

She might have a crush, and he might be flattered. But it could just as easily be the thought of it being anything more than a dog walk hasn't occurred to either of them, and if that's the case you'll look like a dick. She's 23 so likely to live with her phone in her hand. She's sending photos of the dog, not herself. If you've no reason to doubt him, then don't doubt him. You know your DH better than anyone on here. WFH is very lonely and isolating, in my work we were actively encouraged to have a lot of socials, walking meetings etc, sometimes we did it in groups, sometimes in pairs. I've left and still meet with them now. Join them, but only if you can be nice. And then figure out how to spend more quality time with your DH or socialise with him, if his world is too small to be good for him (and you) right now.

My DH has plenty of female friends and I think it's a good thing. I'm confident enough in both myself and him for it not to be an issue, and if you are not, then that's something to work on as it is making you unhappy.

lto2019 · 30/08/2023 00:40

Going against the grain here but I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

£DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man.

He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). "

I can totally understand them bonding over their love of dogs - especially as you're not that fussed. You also work outside the home so have the opportunity to speak to other people on a regular basis and he doesn't or didn't.

Have you said anything to him to indicate you feel it is a bit iffy? I would go along and meet her - see how you feel then. Would it make you feel better if she was hideously unattractive and just lonely?

sandyhappypeople · 30/08/2023 00:40

Have you never been on any dog walks with him before she showed up? He sounds very isolated from what you say, sometimes people get dogs to get out of the house and socialise a bit more, if you're not interested in doing that with him it's no surprise he's jumped at the first chance of someone that will.

I'd be a bit perturbed by this too though, only because it sounds like she's into him, he's either unaware, or he is aware and thinks he can keep a handle on it.. very dodgy territory either way.

I'd be going along to meet her personally, you can tell an awful lot about a situation just from peoples body language and reactions, you need to do some investigating!

Butterflywings2 · 30/08/2023 00:43

This could all be totally innocent, but I would be 100% going on a dog walk with them to suss her out.

BashCandicoot · 30/08/2023 00:52

I would not allow this at all.

OilOfRoses · 30/08/2023 00:52

I'd go on a walk and see how they both react to your presence.

ElEmEnOhPee · 30/08/2023 00:56

BashCandicoot · 30/08/2023 00:52

I would not allow this at all.

What do you mean wouldn't allow it? Would you ground him?

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with this but I would go meet her just to try and sus the situation out.

Notamum12345577 · 30/08/2023 01:06

Chowtime · 29/08/2023 23:23

I'd be warning her off personally.

Like others have said, of all the people to click with, he clicked with an attractive 23 year old woman who gives him a lot of attention.

It's a recipe for disaster. If he's not already shagging her, he definately wants to and given the chance more than likely will. Don't give him that chance.

Where did the attractive come from?

Oioicaptain · 30/08/2023 01:10

In my early 20s I had quite a few friends that were older men (in their 40s). We just clicked at work and got on well. We would buy each other gifts (really silly joke type things usually). There was honestly nothing in it. We connected over things like panic attacks/anxiety and could sympathise with each other going through bad times etc. It doesn't sound too dodgy to me from what you have said. It sounds just like someone to walk the dog with. However, why not go and meet her to scope things out.

Notamum12345577 · 30/08/2023 01:10

EinyLinky · 29/08/2023 23:34

I've started weekly dog walks with someone from work... who is a man 😳 is it really making it seem like you've got a thing for them? It's good for the dogs

For you it is totally innocent and fine, and if your Oh tried to stop you it would be controlling. For the man though, he is obviously screwing you or trying to, and his OH needs to put a stop to it! That is the MN way 🤣

Daffodil63 · 30/08/2023 01:17

Can you go on the dog dates with him? Show up a few times and may be she will get the hint. I wouldn't be happy at all with this-I think it might be legitimate now but it may not take much to go in the wrong direction OP yanbu!

WandaWomblesaurus · 30/08/2023 01:21

JudyGemstone · 29/08/2023 23:58

You can subtly suss her out/put her in her place without being confrontational or obvious. Ask her if she’s dating and make a comment around her being young. That sort of thing.

I'd be telling her about the mysterious rash he has on his arse, and the many many fungal creams you've had to buy to try and deal with it. 😂😂😂

Cardboardcup · 30/08/2023 01:27

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 00:05

The man found someone locally who was interested and available to take part in doggy play dates. He didn't place an order , he simply accepted the person who was available and interested. Had a 70 year old female expressed interest and availability he would probably have gone that route.

If your marriage is endanger or threatened by this relationship, maybe your relationship was not very solid to begin with. Perhaps he should place an add saying "elderly unattractive senior citizens are needing as dog walking companions." must pass the wife's sniff test.,"

This!

im quite shocked by all the comments.

Cardboardcup · 30/08/2023 01:28

BashCandicoot · 30/08/2023 00:52

I would not allow this at all.

😂😂😂. Allow? What are you going to do to stop it !?

Whapples · 30/08/2023 01:32

Thought I’d weigh in as my dad has “dog friends”.

mum and dad both walk the dad, mum less so as she has health issues now. They kept bumping into the same people in the first few years at the dog park (just bc they tended to go the same days and times). Some of the dogs got on well together and the owners would chat. Some men, some women and some couples After a year or two, they swapped numbers. Now they have a group chat - occasionally sending cute pics of their dogs. Every few months, they visit a cafe that does breakfast for the dogs. If no one hears from one of them for a month or so, they check in on each other but no expectation to walk together at all.

they do go and get breakfast and do essentially a secret Santa but for the dogs around Xmas which is sweet. But it’s all family friendly, very relaxed and normal. The expectations are very low, unlike with your situation which I do find odd. Despite my dad often being the one meeting up with others (and sometimes, it will just be him and a women alone), it doesn’t feel the same as it’s a group thing and not a huge arrangement. Idk. I find it odd and I don’t usually think “cheating” on these threads but I would actually be weirded out. Try going with him for sure!

BashCandicoot · 30/08/2023 01:33

Cardboardcup · 30/08/2023 01:28

😂😂😂. Allow? What are you going to do to stop it !?

Show quote history

Tell my DH that I’m no happier about it than he would be if I started wanting to walk the dog with random men. I would then - if he needed telling - inform him that I expect him to care more about my feelings than anyone else’s. To that end he would stop walking with the random. If he refused, that would be a clear message to me that I wasn’t his top priority and I would have some decisions to make.

WandaWomblesaurus · 30/08/2023 01:33

In seriousness though, I'd go on a walk with them and suss it out. She may just be a bit of a nerdy dog enthusiast who genuinely just likes dog chat and is over exuberant about her puppy. Two women were sitting in a cafe next to me the other day and they were referring to their dogs as their children and were sharing photos.

Often dog walkers like to meet up and have the regularity of another dog to play with theirs, as it helps socialise the pup.

SPLIFFSFOREVER · 30/08/2023 01:36

This is going to end up a proper mess and one or both of you are going to get really hurt..go with him on his next walk and meet this girl and try and work her out..be kind,be funny,don't be a limpet and cling onto him or onto his every word.Show this impressionable young girl what he has already got at home..make a flippant remark as you him and the dog say bye..also add "ooh ive really enjoyed meeting you and i think i'll join..(insert husbands name here)..next time as its been fun and will do wonders for us both and the dog in the fitness department"..On the way home look out for any changes in his personality,see how quiet he is or if hes become enthusiastic..surely you can read your husband or tell when hes being secretive or lying?..Anyway see how he reacts to your suggestion about going on these walks again..look if he's going to be mardy or acts weird, just say it out loud..i do not appreciate you meeting up with her again as i can tell from a womans point of view that shes starting to fall for you so nip it in the bud now or i will...now hubby dearest shall we go and bath the dog? Maybe have a shower together afterwards too...Honest to God ive been there done it and got the whole suit and you need to stop this..men cannot be trusted and thats even if you lived with the local vicar..good luck..don't back down if he says you're being ridiculous or paranoid...you're not..and always trust your gut instinct...xx

denpark · 30/08/2023 01:37

It does sound odd. From personal experience, if it doesn't feel/seem right then it isn't. Mine kept trying to get me to be friends with certain women. Turning out he was screwing them. He thought he could hide it all in plain sight.

I'd be popping along on a dog walk or two (just get a feel for their route and then turn up rather than announce that you're going with him - use the 'oh I really fancied a walk - needed to clear my head' routine). Then you can suss it out better and make your presence very very known. She may not even know you exist.