AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

[themadcarter]

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

Completely agree with you.

It's actually sad that (according to some on here) people who are married are only allowed to enjoy people of the opposite sex of who they're attracted to and if they're bi... well, they're out of luck and have to be in solitary confinement with their partner 😂 batshit

@EinyLinky There's no need to feel sad. If I was unhappy then sure, but I'm very happy in my marriage. Living the way many on here describe would make me unhappy. Whatever works for each couple.

I'm glad it works for you but obviously in the situation like OP's, you have a bunch of you telling her that the way you view it is how everyone should live or they're obviously cheating (or people would clearly try and see it from her DH's perspective as well, who obviously views it differently). I genuinely think if you have such little trust in your partner and their feelings for you, that's more of a reflection on your marriage not being the best. OP doesn't enjoy the dog walks, the woman still went along and DH still went (things countless people have said wouldn't have happened if they were cheating) and tried to be friendly and involve her in the same talks she has with him. The gift was about the dog, wasn't anything personal or like crossing. He is open about the texts and puts in the limits to ensure there's no misunderstanding or wrong impressions. I just think it's a classic case of found someone who he works with who enjoys a hobby he does and it just seems sad that people here want to demand him to not do that and not have OP take part still and he is back isolated again, when he's already isolated. I am just confused why in a marriage it's not about what BOTH people want, I think it's fine to say you and your husband prefer it a certain way, of course, but to imply that's the only correct way is unreasonable

@EinyLinky The same could be argued from the other side though, that the OP is being told her husband should just suck it up and that he's controlling etc.

I haven't told anyone how they should live, I'm not bothered how other people live their life but I wanted to put forward another perspective.

It's nothing to do with trust. I don't believe DH would cheat but that doesn't mean I would be happy him giving another woman attention or going out with another woman. In my opinion, it shows that we respect each other in our marriage and realise that there are boundaries and that the other person comes before ourselves.

From my perspective, I don't think it matters that he has tried to involve OP or been open about it, he should be putting that time into his marriage and to not making his wife feel like this. You do have to consider each other but I wouldn't allow anything to come before my marriage.

Additionally, no matter how strong a person thinks they are and how much they think they wouldn't cheat etc, they are still human and when certain hormones and chemicals flood the body, all logic and reason goes out the window. It's putting yourself in a position that could be quite dangerous and lead to emotional affairs or even worse, perhaps unintentionally. I know you will probably say that's a load of rubbish but humans have been doing this and falling prey to it since the beginning of time. It's just not worth opening the marriage up to that possibility.

Sorry that meant to say she is being told to just deal with it and not be controlling, not her husband. Getting confused with another thread.

Nah, I wouldn't be joining them on a walk which wouldn't prove anything as obviously if they were up to anything they would hide it and some people are good at it! If I had a suspicion about something like this, I'd want to find out for myself so I didn't get taken for a fool by the person I'm supposed to trust the most!

I'd be buying a cheap hoody/jacket in a totally different colour to one I already had, covering hair with a new baseball cap, cheap reading glasses you can get for a few quid from the chemist or sunglasses if sunny and observing from a distance at a point on their walking route, ideally not being seen but if you are making sure your DH wouldn't click it was you from a distance. If they're not even on the walking route, that's a case in point.

Haven't gone through the whole thread to see if it's been answered but long are these dog walks for OP.? Does your DH's companion live along the route they take?

Who suggested a 7am walk? maybe your hubby thought this would put you off with it being so early. She must be very eager also to meet at that time in the morning. You say she is plain but you do not know what he is thinking he may really like her.

I'm guessing OP, as she said they normally go later but it needed to fit around OP's work

Some people here don't know an awful lot about infidelity.

It isn't controlling to ask your spouse not to form close bonds with members of the opposite sex. It really isn't. There are circumstances where this can be "safe" but it would be dependent on there being no attraction on either part.

Intimacy is formed through propinquity. A man and a woman doing an activity alone together every week can form an emotional bond. If they talk about their lives and begin to share intimacy of their inner worlds.

Once that happens, attraction and feelings can build. No married person should be spending a couple of hours a week on walks with a member of the opposite sex who may or may not have a crush on them.

That isn't to say men and women can't have friends of the opposite sex - I have lots of great male friends and we meet in a group or send some texts or catch up on a call now and then. We DON'T meet up twice a week alone.

OP I suggest you buy "Just Good Friends" by Shirley Glass and read the first couple of chapters with your husband. It describes how people of the opposite sex can begin "hanging out" like this and explains the theory of walls and windows.

With your spouse, there are meant to be windows - they can see into your inner world and have intimacy and closeness with you, but with other potential mates, there should be walls. Limits on that intimacy, and if you spend a great deal of time alone together those boundaries can become blurred incredibly easily.

I would buy the book, read the first couple of chapters with your husband, and put protecting the marriage before developing new intimate relationships with young girls who fancy you.

Absolutely brilliantly explained 👏

If you ain't got trust don't bother being married. I have mainly guy friends and my hubby female and who cares how many times each other goes out with who or where. It's called trust and love between hubby and I and friendship for all other. Tbh I actually feel sorry for your other half the fact he feels he has to explain everything, delay texting etc etc it's not the first time you've had a go at him clearly

It's nothing to do with trust.

Nowhere in her post did OP say that the woman was attractive. It's interesting to see what people assume - "oh, she's 23, she must be attractive". Not at all, as per OP's update.

OP, it sounds a lot like your husband is just excited to have someone he gets on with to walk the dog with. Unfortunately up until now that hasn't been you.

🚩

@GrannyGoggins

Additionally, no matter how strong a person thinks they are and how much they think they wouldn't cheat etc, they are still human and when certain hormones and chemicals flood the body, all logic and reason goes out the window. It's putting yourself in a position that could be quite dangerous and lead to emotional affairs or even worse, perhaps unintentionally. I know you will probably say that's a load of rubbish but humans have been doing this and falling prey to it since the beginning of time. It's just not worth opening the marriage up to that possibility

Very well said.

Its wonderful to trust your husband and for him to trust you. It's wonderful to have a deep, caring bond formed of intimacy and mutual support. Those things didn't appear by magic though. You spent time together, invested, shared your thoughts and grew at attraction.

Any spouse, no matter how much they love you, is at risk of infidelity if they grow those things with someone else.

When my husband had an affair many years ago, it was with someone he didn't fancy. She, very similarly, invited him on walks regularly, and over time when I was away for an extended period, an affair began.

Because they spent time together, talking, bonding and he developed intimacy with her and from there it's a slippery slope. He had one really bad day and who did he call? His new chum, and 8 drinks later...

He saw no harm in the walks because he didn't fancy her. Next thing he knew, the wife he loved was gone. He was utterly devastated and if you asked him now what his biggest regret on life is; it was saying yes to those walks.

People, I think, have beliefs about love and loyalty being magic and impenetrable. They're not really. They're things you work at and maintain and grow. If you start working at intimacy elsewhere you run a risk of crossing boundaries.

If the OPS husband loves her, it's not about "allowing" him or not. It's about an adult discussion over boundaries, and choosing as a team to keep their marriage safe.

Your impression was of a friendly, odd, somewhat annoying, plain looking young woman who made the effort to talk to you, but didn’t catch on that you weren’t really interested in her topics of conversation, which you describe as mostly ‘a load of nothing.’ She eventually refocused on your H, who happily engaged with her. She may be odd and quirky, but he obviously appreciates that.

They’ve clearly struck a chord in each other, and have developed a closeness and reliance via this fun new adventure. They share a valued interest, a warmth and fondness for each other, and lively conversation as they walk 1:1 in nature twice a week. They ‘get’ each other. This can be a heady combination. He’s on a perilous, slippery slope.

@themadcarter, I wouldn’t downplay the threat of their close friendship evolving into a deeper intimacy that damages your marriage. This is just the type of situation that Shirley Glass researched and wrote about, when fidelity is not protected, boundaries blur, and more and more emotional energy is invested in the new relationship and drained from the primary one, fraying that connection.

In your shoes, I’d be having a serious conversation with your H.

Good advice.
Go on every dog walk. Say to your dh let’s go on a dog walk and then after awhile your dh will know that the dog has been walked and there’s no reason to go out so early any more or at all with this woman.
Get added to their WhatsApp chat. See if it moves to any other platform.

What an odd comment. I haven’t gauged that at all from OP’s posts.

@LaDamaDeElche I think it's odd to comment on the fact she thought the woman would be attractive but isn't and that puts her mind at rest, like only attractive people can possibly be wanted by married men

Not at all an odd comment to feel relieved that this women isn’t what the op thinks is attractive. She feels ok about herself physically compared to this other woman. Everyone would gauge another person they thought a potential affair partner for their dh/dp in terms of how this person compares to them. It’s human nature.
edited to add that physical attraction is generally part of what gets partners together. It doesn’t have to be supermodel quality for a man or a woman but some physical quality the other finds attractive. Obviously other aspects too such as personality, interests, life stages, wanting kids or not wanting kids or past the kids stage etc

I saw it as more relieved as she’d obviously built an image in her head. I think that’s pretty normal.

Some men don't necessarily go for looks. My partners ex was a gorgeous girl, great body, but she was a horrible person who cheated and abused him.

Unlike the OP on here, he has a lot of friends and most of his real life ones are girls. He has autism and bonded more with females during his time at school and uni etc. I was a bit threatened by this, but I've met a few of them and realized they are all lovely girls and if nothing has happened now, it probably won't.

He also became very friendly with a girl from his work. So I met her. She is also lovely and chatty. She's also gorgeous 😂 but it was nice to meet her, I could also gauge how they interacted with each other.

I think this is a good insight into the differences between those of us who think this is fine and that meeting one on one with friends of the opposite sex is fine, and the people who insist it’s not okay. I don’t agree with what you said about intimacy. I think it’s a positive and healthy thing to have closeness and emotional intimacy with people who aren’t your partner. I don’t believe one person can meet all your emotional needs or that they should always be the no1 priority. My friends and the closeness I have with them are equally as important as my romantic relationship. I really fundamentally disagree with the concept of closing yourself off emotionally to anyone who isn’t your partner.

Actually my dad is in his eighties and other dog walkers buy him birthday gifts. However it does sound in this case that she's a bit infatuated. She's behaving like a puppy dog! Definitely go walking with them!

First I thought aye, aye, what he's bonding over here is all the attention she's paying him and this is an affair in the making. But then your update completely changed my mind.
You say your DH is generally awkward and antisocial and that she's odd, annoying and went on and on asking loads of questions. I'm wondering if there's a possibility that they're both ND. IME people who are ND sometimes bond like this when they normally really struggle socially as they feel the other person gets them. I'd also say it's probably innocent and it's good that your DH has put in the 12 hour boundary.