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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
VeloVixen · 30/08/2023 05:55

Even if your dh has no plans to start anything with the 23yo it sounds to me like the 23yo might have a crush on your dh. And him meeting her twice a week is unintentionally leading her on which isn’t fair on her. He needs to stop it.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 30/08/2023 05:56

I would go know one of his walks - but don't tell him in advance that you are going. Don't give him a chance to forewarn her. Just spur of the moment as he is putting the lead on....

Watch his reaction to this, and watch her face when you turn up. You'll know whether there is anything to worry about.

Arsegrapes · 30/08/2023 06:00

So many insecure women here, including the OP. OP quite happy with her stay at home, no friends, no hobbies DH, knowing exactly where he was and who he was with, i.e. no one! Now that's changed and insecurity flooding out. This strikes me as wholly innocent.

RoarRoarBoom · 30/08/2023 06:02

It’s odd and I wouldn’t of been happy with him messaging her in the first place.

but I’d purposely start going to all his dog walks with her on purpose or tell him to cut it out.

HawdMeBack · 30/08/2023 06:12

RoarRoarBoom · 30/08/2023 06:02

It’s odd and I wouldn’t of been happy with him messaging her in the first place.

but I’d purposely start going to all his dog walks with her on purpose or tell him to cut it out.

I'd do this too, take up the invitation and go along on a dog walk. It'll help you gauge the situation. My DH struck up a 'friendship' with a woman he worked with a few years ago. She played him like a banjo and he danced to her tune beacause he loved the attention. Pathetic! Make sure his telling you all about their contact doesn't turn into mentionitis. This was a giveaway for me.

CandidClarisse · 30/08/2023 06:19

Here's the deal, she fancies him! He knows it and whilst he might not cheat, he's absolutely loving the attention of what I assume is a younger woman. Go with them, even though you don't want to, you'll be able to feel the vibe then and see what her attitude is like towards you, you could also ask if she's single etc. you will pick up on their chemistry and if she is into him or not.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 30/08/2023 06:22

None of us can tell you whether there is or isn’t anything going on. It’s making you uncomfortable (and I can entirely see why) and that’s all that matters. I think I’d go on a dog walk to suss it all out and depending on the outcome of that, would also talk to him and tell him it makes me uncomfortable.

floribunda18 · 30/08/2023 06:28

Arsegrapes · 30/08/2023 06:00

So many insecure women here, including the OP. OP quite happy with her stay at home, no friends, no hobbies DH, knowing exactly where he was and who he was with, i.e. no one! Now that's changed and insecurity flooding out. This strikes me as wholly innocent.

It's not being insecure, it's called not being a naïve fuckwit and knowing what a lot of men are like when their ego is flattered by a younger woman.

FWIW jealousy is a pointless emotion, if DH wanted to go off with someone else he could and I would certainly not be doing the pick me dance to win him back from the attentions of a younger woman. But that doesn't mean I'd be happy to be taken for a fool either. If OP has an instinct that something is off about this then she is probably right, based on the small amount of facts we have about the situation.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 30/08/2023 06:42

Just go along on one of the walks and see for yourself what's going on. You say you can't think of anything worse but you're going to tie yourself up in knots if you don't go, so just do it.

Then at the end say I really enjoyed that, what time shall we meet next week? see what the reaction is.

She'll either get the message and it will fizzle.out or you may end up as friends, who knows!

BMrs · 30/08/2023 06:46

I would just speak to him and be honest about your feelings. You're uncomfortable with the situation, don't understand it and get them impression she is pursuing him etc. I would expect my husband to respect my feelings in this situation.

nobodysdaughternow · 30/08/2023 06:52

Next time he says "come along", do.

You will pick up on the type of relationship they have.

He has classic mentionitous - "I told her she would get along with you" and "you would really get on with her".

He is carefully demonstrating this isn't sexual attraction, while his utter excitement suggests otherwise.

Mentioning their 12 hour rule, roughly means: "I am in control of my feelings unlike this giddy woman who can't resist me because I'm a man-God".

No wonder you are cringing at this juvenile, pompous twat op.

Aprilx · 30/08/2023 07:00

EinyLinky · 29/08/2023 23:40

@Chersfrozenface you've never made friends with a colleague and bought them a birthday gift?

Not after a week, no.

themadcarter · 30/08/2023 07:00

Oh gosh sorry I fell asleep didn't expect so many replies! I am both glad I am not crazy and delusional but also a bit sad as that would probably have been the better of the 2.

Can't think of anything worse than trecking through a field with the dogs and her but I am going to have to take up his offer but will definitely do it as a spur of the moment thing

OP posts:
Wishthiswasntmypost · 30/08/2023 07:01

I have a regular walk with a man and his dog...
I used to meet a man and go cycling with him fairly regularly

We had hobbies in common not affairs. It's nice to have company and DH would not come. Never was he excluded but he didn't share my hobby. He was the one to have an affair. I would never have done so because it would ruin a friendship. (I also meet women for the same hobbies)

Go along and suspend your hate and suspicion

Mikimoto · 30/08/2023 07:05

It's absolutely incredible the number of couples on here who don't trust their partners.
Quite sad, really.

fruitypancake · 30/08/2023 07:07

Absolutely no way ! Put a stop to this now

sidarisally · 30/08/2023 07:07

OP, I think they've stepped into that grey area - that space where nothing has happened (yet) and one that can be explained as 'it's just a dog walk, ffs'. It makes it harder to explain your sense of unease to him as on the surface it all sounds reasonable and innocent. They will even possibly believe this themselves as it's being done so publicly. They're intentionally being self-delusional in occupying this space.

Except it's not all innocent and reasonable, is it? It's that grey area where marriage boundaries (or at least your feelings) aren't being respected. At the least, they're being sidelined. What's more, moving into that grey area allows things to more likely happen.

See, the problem with such ambiguous grey spaces is that by the time they can be seen as unambiguously shagging opportunities, it's too late. The deed will have been done.

I have had similar experiences with a partner. He was overly liking and commenting on every tweet a young female made. There was a difference of over 20 years in age between them. I raised it. The reply was 'it's just a tweet/like, etc. That's how the platform works' ('it's just a dog walk, ffs'). My response was 'Yes, but how many other 40 year olds are doing the same with this 19 year old young woman's posts?' Er ... none.

In the end, I highlighted how it could be giving the wrong impression to her, how emotionally vulnerable she presented, and that he had a responsibility, as an older person, not to encourage this. That seemed to work. It stopped.

Given your partner has already highlighted her emotional neediness as a potential issue, I wonder if you could talk to him about how she seems to be increasingly reliant on him to attend to this; that it's dodgy ground for him to walk; that, to others, it looks a tad, odd, and that you really aren't happy about the whole situation? Just let him know that people have asked you who that young woman is that he's regularly seen walking with? And that when you explain, they raise an eyebrow. Then leave it there. Hanging. Leave him to self-reflect. If he continues, do the same again, a week later.

The best scenario is where he himself comes to realise that he's acting like a stupid dick and stops of his own accord. You can't force him to stop seeing her and you wouldn't want to be cast in that role either, if not because it opens the way for him behaving in exactly the same way in future as he has no motivation to change.

HerProposal · 30/08/2023 07:11

themadcarter · 30/08/2023 07:00

Oh gosh sorry I fell asleep didn't expect so many replies! I am both glad I am not crazy and delusional but also a bit sad as that would probably have been the better of the 2.

Can't think of anything worse than trecking through a field with the dogs and her but I am going to have to take up his offer but will definitely do it as a spur of the moment thing

Going along is 100% the right thing, you can see for yourself what they're like together.

But it does seen very inappropriate and there's no way my DH would have given his number to a 23 year old woman!!

Hibiscrubbed · 30/08/2023 07:12

Wait until he’s pulling his boots on and then tell him you’ll join him. Just to see what’s going on.

But yeah, funny your partner didn’t hit it off with 54 year old Trevor, but a keen-as-mustard 33 year old woman.

Hibiscrubbed · 30/08/2023 07:13

23**

marblesthecat · 30/08/2023 07:13

Nah I would hate this. He's definitely enjoying the attention. I think going along at the last minute and pissing on her bonfire is a good idea, she'll hate that 😁

BTW I have two dogs and ime when you get chatting to another dog lover it's normal to discuss them and show pics but not to meet up for a dog walk.

marblesthecat · 30/08/2023 07:13

Wait until he’s pulling his boots on and then tell him you’ll join him. Just to see what’s going on.

Yes and watch his expression closely.

Lonicerax · 30/08/2023 07:16

I don’t know. I know women who are nervous walking alone and want someone to walk with.
Theyve hit it off but doesn’t mean he will have an affair. I’m not sure how long this has gone on - maybe she has a partner.

Chersfrozenface · 30/08/2023 07:19

When you suddenly decide to go on the walk, he may well be pleased. He msy genuinely think you'll get on with his young friend, as he keps telling you. He may genuinely be oblivious to thr fact that she's pursuing him.

In which case it's her reaction you need to watch.

tumpymummy · 30/08/2023 07:25

I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 35 - just saying!