AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

[themadcarter]

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

That's the thing, we don't just know everyone's sexuality. Any single man be befriended, could be

Yes this. If you think bisexuals can manage being friends with people of the sex they’re attracted to why can’t that also be true of heterosexuals?

*he

Well no, it's not the thing in my example. DH has a good gay male friend at work, but DH has never given me any indication that he himself is not straight.

You are correct in that the dog-walking woman may not even be attracted to men.

Pick a side was a joke. I guess it didn’t translate well 😅

It sounds like two fairly awkward people have become friends due to their shared enthusiasm for their dogs. I would leave them to enjoy their friendship, but still join them every now and again to check that you're still welcome, and that their dynamic hasn't changed.

I think the issue is whether you have an agreement with your partner to be monogamous or otherwise - hetro or bi is irrelevant. Boundaries naturally exist to ensure the continuation of the agreement. Then there is the issue of loyalty and respect on which trust is built and is dependent on mutual respect of boundaries.

Often boundaries are implicit and unspoken and we don't realise they have been breached until we feel uncomfortable and then we lack the language to discuss them because things might be innocent and we distrust our feelings because we may be paranoid or insecure.

If you are going to have completely different hobbies/things that you enjoy from your partner I think you have to expect that they will want to share those interests. And agree boundaries that are realistic and acceptable to both of you and don't threaten your core relationship or lead to either of you obsessing or feeling uncomfortable.

It's ok not to have considered all possibilities. Eg - husband - I didn't realise that getting a dog would lead to you texting and meeting a 23 year old woman twice a week. I must have missed that in the getting a puppy literature. I feel uncomfortable about that as I feel it crosses a boundary of intimacy? Is this about doggy play dates or intimacy? Do you feel lonely WFH? What's this about? How can we separate doggy play dates with friends and intimacy with your partner so that boundaries aren't blurred and I feel I can trust you.

Ability to communicate openly and honestly is the key.

If you can't you have a bigger problem. My ex was a nightmare whenever I spoke about my (legitimate) concerns. You can always tell (although you might not want to).

I find the "cool girls"/"cool wives" trope extremely mysogynistic. I am not a girl, first of all, I'm a woman. But you can't call me a "cool woman" because it doesn't sound as belittling. What you are saying is that any woman who chooses personal boundaries different to yours (i.e., differrent to the ones that the patriarchy sets) are pretending to have the opinions that they have to desperately appear "cool" to men. It's such a fucked up thing to think about other women. I have the boundaries that I have because those are the ones that shape relationships that I like. I could not care less whether men think I am cool or not.

Anyway, back to your point. I have one male friend who I go to the pub with. DP is fine with it. I don't have more because in general I dislike the company of men. He has a female friend who he goes for walks with. I am fine with it. It's not to appear "cool" to anyone (I mean, appear cool to whom? Who is watching and forming opinions? Who would even know that we are fine with this, outside of our own relationship? Who would care?) it's because I know in my soul that I do not want to sleep with these men, and will not be tempted to do so.

Cool wives is actually an awesome term...too many women feel like they must put up with utter shit and piss taking behaviour because if they complain they get called nags or bunny boilers by men.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer fully agree with you.

You’re not listening to people. Nobody is pretending to put up with stuff they secretly hate to appear cool - people have different opinions and boundaries and lifestyles and instead of accepting that, you prefer to denigrate them as “cool wives”. It is incredibly misogynist, it’s infantilising and suggests women don’t know their own minds and only behave the way they do to appease men.

So if that's the case then why does he read her texts yet won't answer back for 12 hours.....on purpose?

So, op, he can't wait for you to meet her? He can't wait for her to meet you? Wtf IS she? Sounds like he REALLY likes this woman because he can't wait for you to meet her too. Sounds like he really wants her to meet you......sounds like she's entered your marriage and he clearly wants her to be part of it and part of your lives together. What is it about her that makes him so excited about you two meeting? If I found a man who I really liked I'd say to my best mate... "I can't wait till you meet him" and I'd say to my new BF "I can't wait for you to meet her" .....this CANT be just because she likes dogs. No one gets this excited about person who walks a dog.....unless he intends to make her part of your lives together, let's face it why else would he be sooooo excited for you to meet? Like I said there seems to be three in your marriage and he has so much in common with the new edition, they share a love of dogs something you don't share too. I'd be having none of it

🤢

I think the op feels this woman is no threat to her marriage but we must remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if your husband found her annoying he would not be meeting up with her

Indeed many women mainly often feel their ex’s downgraded but clearly the now ex’s love/like them.

Good grief for someone upset about the sexualisation of men n women you got a funny way of showing it as you've not shut up about being bisexual, your partner is bisexual and now it's all about you and what people should do/feel if they or their partner is bisexual. It seems to be a thing with types of people who come brandishing typical words that they have a knack of putting people down whilst steering the conversation away from the original topic and making it all about themselves. Now we have a weird thread about bisexuals and who they're friends with. What that got to do with walking a bloody dog?

Not gonna lie, that absolutely made me piss myself laughing too. @TedMullins WHAT are you gabbling on about?! 😂Not tolerating your husband sharing a bed with another woman, and making her his BFF, seeing her privately, sharing secrets and private chats, and going for cosy lunches together (without you,) is 'toxic' and 'misogynist' and 'reductive???' What the hell are you banging on about?! 😆

I guess I have higher standards in what I stand for in a relationship/marriage, and don't tolerate being fucked about and fucked over, and my husband being in close, cosy, relationships with other women... Especially those that exclude me - as these types of 'relationships' with married men and (often single) women always do!!! They almost always exclude his wife!

Where he contacts his female BFF outside work - or any given hobby, where they're texting/whatsapping back and forth, and chatting on the phone, in OUR family time together, and where they're seeing each other privately together etc..... And I am not involved... Because - as I said - these particular relationships with these other women do always exclude the wife don't they?

You let your man get cosy and cuddly with another (probably younger/ probably more attractive) woman, socialise alone with her, contact each other regularly in YOUR couple time/family time, and 'walk the dog' with her. Because that makes you SUCH a radical feminist and such a cool girl, and a cool wife... Want a rag to wipe those footprints off your head cool girls? Your husbands really do have you where they want you don't they?!

p.s. It's never happened to me, I am just speaking theoretically ... My DH would never do this - piss around with other women, and so called close female 'friends.' He has far too much respect for me and loves me too much. And I feel the same about him, and would never do it to him, with a male 'friend!' THAT is what a loving relationship/marriage looks like!

This.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer Your post x 1000 with bells on!

You put it better than I have been able to.

Problem is, there is something deeply unsavoury and cringeworthy about this 'bitch dis man is MINE' stance. Going with him, and standing by him/between them, and making the other woman feel awkward, and given her the side-eye, and letting her know 'he is MY man!!!' is a bit pathetic.

The OP needs to TELL HIM to stop fucking about, and that he is NOT walking the dog with this woman again, because it's disgustingly fucking disrespectful towards her - his WIFE. No man who loves his wife would treat her like the OP's husband is treating her.

Thank you. 😘

Not thinking of anything worse is exactly why you need to go along. Trust your instinct. If something is going on he will count on you saying no knowing you won't want to go, if you say yes and something was going off he will either try to make you change your mind or you will pick up on something when their around one another. If nothing is going on he will take you in a heart beat.

The OP needs to TELL HIM to stop fucking about, and that he is NOT walking the dog with this woman again, because it's disgustingly fucking disrespectful towards her - his WIFE. No man who loves his wife would treat her like the OP's husband is treating her.

What exactly is he doing that's so disrespectful? He goes for dog walks with a woman who he takes ages to reply to because he doesn't want to give the wrong impression. He consistently invites his wife along and tells her when he gets messages. He isn't hiding anything.