AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

[themadcarter]

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

I don't know what your husband is like, but in my experience 35 year old men have zero interest in being best buddies with 23 year old women, so in most circumstances I would suspect an ulterior motive. He mightn't even be planning anything but might just be flattered or a bit starstruck by the attention of a younger woman! But only you can judge it I guess!

Definitely go on the walks with him. Time to get your husband back. Tell her to leave him alone and don’t come near him.
He will be tempted even if he says no! Don’t you think your husband is worth this?

Yes I BET he quickly suggested you and he just doing the walk together! Was the the first thing he could come up with to avoid you meeting her and gate crashing their little doggy date!

Yes Doggy dates. Most people* with dogs, especially pups, know it's real thing. They make particular special friends, it can take time and eventually they have much more fun than with any other, even familiar dog - it's a joy for them when they meet each time and a joy for the owners to watch - and an important part of their development into healthy well-adjusted adult beasts. This may well be all about their mutual love of their pets.

*Some never let theirs off a lead to interact with any other dogs - and the dogs invarably suffer and become neurotic.

It sounds like you've let your husband get lonely, and that is not a good thing. Best to invite her over befriend her and see if you can't get something social going. It's not about the dog, it's about a lonely man and a woman who may or may not be opportunistic, so no you aren't wrong to get your hackles up.

Not going to lie, cannot wait for the post walk update!

Remember though OP....stabbing people is not allowed

Was this same story not posted on here last year? Anyone remember.
He is unreasonable and should not be doing this. Ridiculous that he thinks it is ok and seems to be enjoying the attention and leading her on.

Christ. There is a sinister subtle batshittery to this comment, flies under the radar compared to others but it’s bonkers start to finish. Great stuff

stacyvaron
It sounds like you've let your husband get lonely, and that is not a good thing. Best to invite her over befriend her and see if you can't get something social going. It's not about the dog, it's about a lonely man and a woman who may or may not be opportunistic, so no you aren't wrong to get your hackles up

😂😂😂

To be honest I don't think I'll mind if my partner did this, I would take him up on an offer of accompanying him at least once. I go on a walking group with different ages we have grown close. Some with dogs often we will pair up and arrange for a dog walk in the morning. Im Happy to go out with a guy in his 50s once or twice a week. I think you should tag along to put your mind at rest in order to gage the lady.

How did the walk go?

Good for you.
Trust your instincts. As per my previous post, I think your husband is innocent but vulnerable (socially) and genuinely thinks he is making new doggie friends. It is this lady who is raising eyebrows on here.
Red flags when you meet; she is either OTT fawning over you or quiet and your DH is surprised she is so different in your presence.
If she is open and chats about her DH, it’s all good.
A dear friend got so upset with her husband fawning over a new doggie friend that she fell and broke her arm.
Her DH didn’t have it in him to have an affair but he was acting completely inappropriately with this lady knowing it was upsetting my DF. The female dog walker was mid age and divorced and did nothing to dispel suspicions. Beware!

This is always hard, because as a fellow awkward person, sometimes we just click with people and it can look strange from the outside. People will wonder why you all of the sudden want to spend so much time with someone when you seemed to hate all people a week ago.
I wouldn't attribute bad intentions if everything else is going okay and if he is not sacrificing time with you or work to spend time with her. I mean, are they meeting multiple times a week for extended periods or are they just meeting up for the usual amount of time he spent in the past walking the dog but now it is just with her?
What sort of things is she texting him?
On the other hand, she could have a crush on him and that should be nipped in the bud. Also, if he is basking in her attention, you all may want to visit a therapist about it. He should obviously stop leading her on if that is what is happening, but he should also see a therapist to figure out why he is allowing it if that is what is happening. You may want to visit one as a couple too, see if there are issues you are ignoring.
This is hard, because something like this is always going to look suspicious to you, but people don't just up and cheat. There are people that meet someone and immediately cheat and there are other people that have had opposite sex friends for decades and they have never once touched each other sexually or romantically.

Why not tell him honestly exactly how you feel, if he loves you he will stop all this
before the inevitable happens as she’s obviously after an affair

Watch your back lol. This sounds like a thriller where you get offed so she can move in with the dogs. Wait until she has to come back with him cos her car won't start and she fell in the mud and he needs to help her figure out the shower and oh babe I couldn't just leave her there. And then suddenly 🔪 🔪

Hugely invested in this now. Hope it all goes well @themadcarter. Please let us know.

@themadcarter, if she does indeed show up, you may indeed gain some insight from their verbal and nonverbal cues — her being effusive/awkward with you or stilted with him, a frisson between them, etc. — or she/they may let on nothing ‘telling’ in your presence.

Their investment in each other is clearly inappropriate, but H may be downplaying it in his mind as a safe friendship, as he can’t face thinking of himself as ‘that kind’ of guy. He is in a danger zone, though, and needs to hear that home truth. He has weakened his boundaries and opened a window to this obsessed 23 year old. He is redirecting his emotional energy, time and attention into her, and is very attracted to the feelings of validation engendered by this new adventure.

Dr. Shirley Glass explains the dynamics of friendships that evolve into unsafe relationships that threaten marriages/partnerships in her book Not Just Friends. I suggest that you both read it, @themadcarter.

This is weird and completely inappropriate in my opinion. I would be very vocal if my DH tried this and vice versa.

Communication is the key though and while he should have had the insight to understand how it would make you feel, you ideally need to spell it out to him.

Not really. A wife has some degree of a say in what she will accept in her marriage and that is her right.

We take our dog to the park lovingly know as the dog park. We all meet there roughly around the same time but don't schedule meet ups. The dogs play and our dog has his favourite pups.

I find this odd behaviour.

It doesn't sound like there's any thing from your dh side but she does seem keen (not necessarily anything she could be lonely)

I'd definitely meet her then if you are not comfortable tell your dh.

If I’m honest my first thought is he’s got a crush ! I 100% would not be happy about this ! The whole thing sounds weird and I see it all ending in tears. I don’t really have a solution though as he sounds very invested already. I hope you get something sorted but everything about this sets alarms bells off.

It sounds to me that she has the hots for your husband and while he might not in all honesty want this to go any further, he’s flattered that a 23 year old woman is showing interest in him! Men don’t think with their brains!!! Buying him a birthday present after only knowing him a week - that’s weird.

I would definitely accompany him on a walk and size this female up (as much as I can understand you probably just want to smack her one!). Is she attractive ? What is her interaction with your husband like ? Remember the old saying “keep your friends close but your enemies closer”. If she’s all giggles and flirty with him and he responds similarly time to end their little get togethers!! Tell your husband you’d like to exercise more and what better way than taking the dog out!!!

😂

I would go with him on the dog walk and see what she is like you can then get a feel if it’s a friendships. Also do you have dog walking groups where you are, look for a group for him. We have them where I am.