AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

[themadcarter]

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

If she's younger would she not be permanently glued to her phone, whereas OP's husband seems more introverted and is older so probably doesn't like incessant texting? I'm like the latter and will delay replies to avoid long text chats. I think people's phone habits are often more to do with their personality, generation etc than a way to analyse crushes. Also I share tonnes of pics of my puppy with anyone who cares, so that's another thing!

35 isn't middle aged you loon. Also plenty of people in their early 20's date men in their early to mid 30's.

Oh, you are funny. Never read a single thread where the DH has been shagging someone 10 years younger at work? Do you actually know what a 35 year old man looks like?

Anyway - please do update us on the dog walk later!

I’m sure she will act very pleased when you meet her. And your DH being ‘awkward’ might mean he’s even more flattered by her attention if it’s not something he has had a lot of, ever. If he’s opening up to her about very private things, he’s deepest feelings etc I would be very worried.

To everyone saying warn her off etc, these women come and go. If the DH can’t handle this situation appropriately, it is a DH problem.

My first question is do you trust him? Is your relationship ok? Or are you in a 'roommates' phase of cohabiting but not really connecting.

It does sound like she has a crush on him, and is overstepping some boundaries, so joining them on a dog walk might be a good idea. Your DH knows she's a bit over enthusiastic, which is why he leaves 12 hours before replying, to not encourage her, I'd not be concerned about him, but it's her that needs to calm down.

However if you don't trust him and you think he is likely to take her up on her generous offer and do more than walk the dogs together, then you have bigger problems than an immature 23 yr old crushing on your DH.

A 23 year old woman is not a girl and a 35 year old man is not middle aged, ffs.

I was in my early 20s when I met my now husband, who was in his early 30s. It's not a mad age gap. And I don't know if you've ever met a man at 23? They are not what I wanted from a partner when I was 23. There's a reason It's generally accepted that women end up with older male partners. Because they're at similar levels of maturity they click better.

That being said, if my husband was walking the dog with a younger woman, I'm secure enough in his feelings for me that I'd know it was just dog walks on his side, and he'd stop it if she made a move. He's not interested in finding someone else, he's happy in our relationship/family/life. He's allowed to make friends outside of his own age and sex.

I haven’t rtft but have read all of your replies op. I think it sounds like your DH is genuinely and innocently pleased to have a dog walking buddy, but the 23yo buddy has got herself a bit of a crush. I think the fact that he’s delaying replies to her means that he must be somewhat aware and is trying to keep her at arms length, which is good! Definitely think joining them to sus this out is the best route. Let us know how it goes!

Out of interest, what was the gift?

Dog walker here and I take Ddog for walks with others with dogs so that they can play. Dogs are sociable/pack animals and enjoy interacting with their own species as well as with humans. It's actually pretty important to them. At 23 she may well feel your DH is a 'safe' option as a walking companion as he's quite a lot older than her, married and regularly talks about his wife. She is safer walking her dog with your DH than on her own as women, even with dogs, are fairly regularly hassled or attacked whilst walking so her safety increases exponentially whilst walking with a man and he's happily married so she doesn't have to worry that he's going to start trying to hit on her. As for the sending photos of the dog ... she's 23 and probably sends photos of her dog to everyone and of course she responds quickly to any messages: she's 23 and probably on her phone incessantly.

I wouldn't worry about it but if you want to get your wellies on and go for a walk with them then crack on. You may find you do quite like it after all :)

It needs to stop there is no need to question or ponder
Will he stop to please you is the question .

This is such a measured reply
to add my 2 cents, DH had this younger female colleague, he clicked with her over a hobby we all have, he came home and told me all about her and how I should meet her, alarms were all over my head
I meet her and yes she was younger, but she was so amazing, I also immediately liked her and she’s honestly a lovely lady… it’s been several years she has several relationships, no romantic interest on my DH - I do see why he likes to chat with her, it’s just a friend

The gift was a mug with a digital drawing of our dog on it.

Quickly updating while on my break. Went for the walk this morning, not really what I fancied at 7am (they do usually go later in the day and so I was convinced that would be a reason for her not to show) but she did actually arrive. It's all a bit odd really, this will probably get me quite a bit of hate but I assumed a rather attractive 23 year old woman, ready to swoop a man off his feet and she was honestly just not that and I don't want to be mean, she is just quite odd really. I must admit, it has actually helped me feel far better about the situation, I'm surprised DH likes her as I find her a bit annoying. She seemed rather happy to see me and went on and on with questions and talking and usually it being a load of nothing, I think she wasn't getting the fact that I simply was not as enthusiastic as her or DH are about dogs and after that she attached herself back to DH who was happily engaging in the talk, I don't know what to think to be honest but it was honestly just really really strange.

Thanks for the update, OP.
If you found her annoying, I wonder why on earth your DH thought you would like her?!

@themadcarter it's possible he just likes having a friend 'any friend' - if she's a bit odd she may also be oblivious about it being something that might bother you

Just giving my opinion.

I think its odd, but you can also be doing more.

Would the friendship have started if you had joined your partner from the start on these walks? You missed an opportunity to be his walking dog buddy.

Does he hide any messages from her or are all messages related to the dogs? My mind would rest easier if all texts etc were just around arranging the "doggy play dates" etc rather than casual chats thrown in or flirty behaviour also.

I would approach the fact he's asked you to join with a bit of caution. You'd be surprised how many cheaters actually introduce their partners to their bit on the side "as a friend" so they have the excuse to talk about them a lot more.

Nonetheless, you're invited. I would go. But try not to pre warn. I would wait a couple of minutes before leaving, then tell him you're coming. Watch his reaction. Does he text her to let her know immediately that you are coming or take off to the toilet all of a sudden as a chance to communicate this?

I would then go and just act like a loving couple. Hold his hand, hold the dogs lead, be polite, be talkative. Even if you didn't enjoy it, tell him that you did afterwards, let him know that you're keen to start going for regular walks with him.and the dog.

Show enthusiasm for the walks. Initiate them yourself. I walk my dog with my child and occasionally my partner, and it is a great bonding experience and an excuse to get out in the air.

You'll find that once you start actively participating, either the new found friendship will fizzle out or you will also gain a new friend.

We all have different tastes. Ugly people can have husbands too. We don’t all like the same people.
If he’s worth fighting for then stop this ‘friendship’
It will eat into your relationship.

Do something or live to regret.

Thanks for taking the time to update and allay the fears of some imaginations that had run away on here.

She is clearly very dog obsessed and you aren’t interested in dogs, even your own much, so it probably was going to seem a bit boring once you’d put your mind at rest.

Maybe they are two lonely people and have found a friendship with each other. She seems OTT, maybe she doesn’t have anyone else or maybe she fancies him and has a plan to steal him away from you by befriending you first. I’d be worried about her pursuing him and him eventually catching feelings so I would keep an eye on them, but your DH hasn’t actually done anything wrong and appears to be being honest about the situation and inviting you in.

Maybe your DH is simply kind.

I agree with this. I’d either express outright you’re not comfortable with this and ask him how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Or, if you can bear it, join them for a walk, suss her out and then still ask him to stop if it’s a weird setup.

Maybe your DH likes her as a person and as a friend. Even 'odd' people have friends. Just because she's young and single doesn't mean she's after your husband.

I'm assuming, OP, that you think you're this extremely attractive 30 something year old woman, who has a socially awkward, isolated DH that should absolutely feel he has won the lottery by marrying you and only had this woman been very attractive would she have been a threat to you (as age is then on her side more)

That changes the whole meaning of "she gave him a gift". I think you can safely ignore ever post on this thread from someone who has never had a puppy. It's really not that different from having baby and having a need or at least a strong motivation to talk, spend time and swap observances with others who have a new baby.

It sounds like he has no interest in talking about all the other crap dog-walking men are likely to talk about (such as brexit, sending refugees back home and women with big knockers). You have no interest in the walking or the puppy talking, so she's doing you a solid.

It being 'really really strange' is really really all about you. You say she seemed happy to see you - could you not have just said that she was happy to see you? She adjusted her behaviour on discovering that you couldn't be arsed much with talking the pups, fair enough on both sides.

Certainly does not seem any more likely that he'll run off with her than anyone else at work (regardless of her not being the glamourpuss that you've been imagining her to be).

I get what you're saying, OP. Glad that it's put your mind at rest!