Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

206 replies

fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:26

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

OP posts:
Randobelia · 28/08/2023 10:28

Even if you move back it is still really unlikely he'll see them.

Her acting up could be from what she went through as a much younger child? Could you try and get her to speak to a therapist or seek support from your GP?

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/08/2023 10:29

What are they unhappy about? Is it actually their father or something else?

Sssudio · 28/08/2023 10:30

If you moved back they still will likely not see their dad, which will make them feel worse as at least now his excuse is distance. If he was nearby but still chose not to see then it would make them feel worse.

i think you are seeing the move as the problem where actually it’s him. Moving and giving up everything you have now wouldn’t fix him.

Sounds really hard though, is she waiting for CAMHs?

TVstolemyevenings · 28/08/2023 10:30

I suspect your DD is just blaming the move as an explanation- to herself and you.

Get her some good therapy. Asap before things spiral.

Does their DF ever visit?

Original poster
fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:30

The Gp referred her to CAMHS after she said she tried to kill herself. But they've said she doesn't meet the threshold. So there's no support there.

OP posts:
Titicacacandle · 28/08/2023 10:32

I don't think all of dcs MH struggles can be put at your feet OP. It's not your fault that their dad doesn't bother with them and imagine if you did move back and he still didn't bother. Even more rejection.

Have you got money for a private counsellor? Or even a therapeutic life story worker (they usually deal with adoption cases but definitely would work in this situation, more so than a counsellor now I've said it).

Your dd is dealing with the rejection that her dad doesn't want her and has told herself that it's because you moved so far away from him, rather than face the awful reality of her dad not wanting her.

Original poster
fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:33

I'm going to see if I can organise some private therapy for her but it will be a struggle financially.

I've wondered if there's anything else going on for her too. But I really don't think there is. She likes my new DP and they have a good relationship, although she doesn't see much of him.

OP posts:
MarshyMcMarshFace · 28/08/2023 10:33

So sorry you are going through this.

The rejection from their father would be the same even if you moved back.

He could have got a train or coach, or even face timed regularly if he wanted.

Can you talk to your GP and see if your Dd can be referred for counselling, or if you can afford it get private counselling / family therapy?

They were much younger when you left and no doubt shielded from the reality. They may have an idealistic nostalgic view of their younger childhood.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 28/08/2023 10:34

Moving house and relocating is incredibly expensive! I would try therapy first.

Original poster
fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:34

"They were much younger when you left and no doubt shielded from the reality. They may have an idealistic nostalgic view of their younger childhood."

That's very true.

OP posts:
Bingbangboo64 · 28/08/2023 10:34

A good father woukd visit regardless of the distance, good grandparents travel tonother side of the workd to go see their grandchildren, even if they lived on the same street it dosent mean he would make time for his children.

i would advise get your daughter an app to an emergency psychiatrist, perhaps some meds help eith her self harming thoughts and councelling with understanding its not her job to find ways to spend with her father, its the oarents job and how destructive it will be when u all kove back poorer and find out he dosent want anything to do with his kids

Bingbangboo64 · 28/08/2023 10:36

And no u didnt mess up… the childrens father has you are dealing with his mess

getfreddynow · 28/08/2023 10:38

I’m sorry. Things sound really hard. I’m glad you personally are more settled.

imo your daughter needs help urgently. I’d ignore the brush off threshold comment.
Go back to gp? What other local mh support is there you can access? Stuff online to look at with her ? https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/
Waitlist her for ‘alumina‘ self harm online course?

you probably tried this and more already but sharing in case there’s something.

Mental Health Support For Young People

If you’re struggling with your feelings, we have tips and advice from other young people, and information on getting the support you need for your mental health.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/

ThePoetsWife · 28/08/2023 10:39

Their father is the one who messed up their lives - he is never going to be a present active parent.

Callmesleepy · 28/08/2023 10:39

Others have given good advice but just wanted to add this sounds like it is the impact of their father's actions rather than your move.

jeaux90 · 28/08/2023 10:40

You haven't messed up their lives. You've provided them with stability away from a bad relationship.

There definitely is something going on with your DD, private therapy whilst expensive is definitely the path I'd go down. Be very careful how you pick the therapist though.

I'm a lone parent and sometimes you have to double down into your own "unit" try not to add anything or anyone in until you get a clear view on what is going on with your DD.

somelikeithotternow · 28/08/2023 10:40

This isn't down to you OP. You're in a very good position at the moment with a job, family support and a partner. You can't allow a child to make such big decisions, especially one who isn't well. You've done your very best in a dictation that wasn't created by you. Don't feel guilty for being in a good place, you need to be in a good strong place so you can support your family. Moving back would be a big mistake and would subject your DD to further rejection.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 28/08/2023 10:44

might Some of this be a reaction to Covid lockdowns?

Original poster
fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:46

All your comments and advice are extremely helpful. Thank you. Some excellent suggestions.

To the PP who commented about bringing another person into our " unit." I'm kind of wondering if that was a mistake too. It's a very healing and healthy relationship, and he's so supportive with them, making it clear he's not trying to replace their dad, etc. But still.

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/08/2023 10:47

It sounds as if she is using the move as an excuse, she needs counselling to get to the root of her issues, her father isn’t magically going to be dad of the year by you moving closer, he had his chance and he choose not to have a relationship with his children.

The move wasn’t a mistake, from what you’ve said your life is filled with positive, you just need to get over this barrier wit your DD.

Have you spoken to the school regarding counselling? Social services - Together for children etc…

HeidiHunter · 28/08/2023 10:56

12 is a difficult age for girls. She's going through physical, mental, emotional and hormonal changes. I doubt moving back would help. Is there a youth group she could join? Does she object to your new partner perhaps?

longtompot · 28/08/2023 10:56

I wonder if, as she has got older, she is thinking more about her dads rejection of her, and this has been brought to the forefront of her mind by your new relationship. It has a completely different dynamic than what she remembers between you and your ex and maybe she is wondering why her dad isn't interested in here. I suspect she thinks because you are so far away from him is the reason why he doesn't keep in touch, and thinks by moving back he will. I think she knows deep down this isn't the case, and it's a huge conflict in her mind hence the self harming. It's a lot to deal with and I think counselling would really help her work out how to deal with it.

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/08/2023 10:58

Hi OP ..I'm going to PM you but can echo what everyone else says ..this is not down to the move and the bit about them idolising their earlier childhood is spot on.

Britneyfan · 28/08/2023 10:59

It wasn’t a mistake to move. You are happy and that’s important too. It sounds like he would not be involved regardless. But it’s understandable the kids are latching on to the distance as the reason they don’t see him. Do they say it’s all about their dad or do they miss friends or hobbies from before too? Transition from primary to secondary school is a different sort of life anyway even without a move and often breaks up friendships etc as well. Hormones kick in at this age too. And of course we’ve had COVID which will have made it harder for them to settle in but could not have been predicted.

I’m a GP. Your GP can write back and argue with CAMHS as to why they should still see her and I think they should. In the meantime ask the school about counselling, this should be accessible through the school if specifically requested and help your finances for later if she needs more intensive help down the line etc.

Maybe keep the new partner away from the kids for a while and make it clear to them that they are your first priority but that you don’t think moving will really change things the way they’re hoping. And sit with them and talk through what they miss, what would make them feel better about living locally and try to make a plan for improving their lives here. Make sure there isn’t bullying etc they aren’t telling you about. It’s a common age for it.

Hummingbird89 · 28/08/2023 10:59

Why are you accepting responsibility for this? It’s the absent father who has done the damage. You have provided them with stability, love, safety and family. I guarantee if you moved back, he STILL would make no effort to see them. Be kind to yourself 💐

Swipe left for the next trending thread