I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

[fml666]

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

It sounds like DD has problems with self esteem and MH rather than where you live. I would get her regular counselling. Chances are you up root all of you and then the other DC and you are very unhappy and DD won't see DC anyway. At least where you are you have a support network.

Have a good talk to her and explain why you moved (you don't need to tell them what DF did, he will out himself eventually). You found it difficult raising 2 DC on your own and you have a good job now.

She's made up some idealistic version of the past which it clearly wasn't. If she's missing friends could you have some over to stay? Although I dare say their parents might be wary given her current behaviour.

OP, you may find some helpful organisations listed here https://www.mind.org.uk/for-young-people/how-to-get-help-and-support/useful-contacts/

I doubt the move is the cause of her problems. Many people with mental illness think that if they can physically move elsewhere it will change things, but of course it won't. Her problems are internal and will not be solved by changing external circumstances.

I wouldn't necessarily think that moving back will put anything "right". Maybe they hit some troubles at school/with friends and think that if they only could move back it would be ok, but it may not change a thing for them. Perhaps they have an ideal view of their DF, but it may not be realised even if he was next door.

I think probably the best think to do is to push for counselling for them and if they can't get it on the NHS to try to do something privately. Have you talked with your DC separately and tried to find out what the actual issues are? If you are in a car driving with one of them it's a good place to talk - they often open up there.

A word of hope - not the same situation but one of my DC had an awful time in the last 2 years at school. I actually offered to take him out and home school him - he was very upset, crying, had extensive counselling. He's now in his twenties and is much better, when we were chatting about old times/memories the other day he came out with "I think I was really lucky school went so well". I was gobsmacked!! I gently questioned him and said "But you seemed quite upset at the time" and he was like "Yeah, but that was just for a bit, it was fine!" I didn't say anymore but my view is 3 years of pretty much hell and worry! So it can come ok - good luck.

I was going to ask if she might be Asd. Any chance your ex DH is too? Can be incredibly hard for them to work/ keep employment and the fact you mentioned he hordes things

@fml666
You are making an assumption that your children',s behavior would somehow have been different had you remained in the town with their father.

It is unlikely that your daughter has insight enough to know what causes her to act out in the manner that she does. It is possible.an effective counselor might be more beneficial than an ineffective father. However, children will love a parent regardless of their effectiveness as s parent.

Is it possible that you could either take them back on occasion to spend time with him or if necessary pay for him to make the occasional visit to see him. That would probably be more cost effective.

Don't make ass.assumptions about the root cause of your daughter's behavior until you have had effective help in exploring the behavior.

.is it possible that rather than missing her dad that she is resenting your partner? Could she possibly feel that she had to give up something to get this new life while you simply got a replacement. In essence this move costs her and her sibling time with a father, but got a replacement partner. If that were her thoughts it might not be the father that she is missing. It just may be resentment that something that caused her pain was seemingly so easy for you.

Better to explore her issues than to make assumptions about the causes. You cannot fix the situation without accurate assessment of the problem.

I’m sorry for your issues but if you’d read OP’s posts more carefully rather than talking about yourself you would have seen that she moved her kids near her family members not away from them.

The family member they left behind was their dad who made little effort to see them anyway.

I think you gently need to start revealing that it’s you always initiating contact.

Say he loves them but he’s not reliable.

I don't know anyone who would be able to move 350 miles just like that, shit father or not.

I'm not sure what OP expected really, 350 miles is quite a journey and it looks like she didn't consider the impact it would have further down the line.

Eh I did read the post.

OP did move the children far away from their closest family member (their father).

She said that the father saw them every couple of weeks.l when they lived near him. How is that barely seeing them?

A lot of seperated dads that I know : see their children every second week. Thats a normal length of time

You didn't make a mistake, you made a perfectly reasonable decision with the information available to you at that time.

Is it possible for the children to go and stay with him for 2-3 nights over half term holidays etc?

I actually think you have made a series of good decisions and the school move sounds sensible to a school with good SEN support. I also wondered (like another PP) if there was ASD (DD and father?). It can present very differently in girls (the gender confusion is very common too) and the wheels can really fall off in secondary.

I'm sorry. I have no words of wisdom to impart but you've had some great advice and I can't imagine how awful this must be for you. You definitely haven't done this, the only crime you're guilty of is trying to build a happier life for you all. I do think it sounds like your DC are perhaps recalling their previous life with rose-tinted glasses and the luxury of oblivion from their early years. They probably assume their new life is causing their angst, when in reality the harm was done way before you all moved. I do hope you can get some help, especially for DD.

BUT in the meantime, you sound like an amazing Mum, really you do.

It's sad because children have no say in their lives.

Mothers often do what is best for them, not what is best for their kids. I can understand to a point as mother's are often worried about finances.

My mother did the same. She did what was best for her, not what was best for me and my brother.

It resulted in many mental health problems for both me and my brother.

Also the pain at the seperation from our father when we were children - led to serious consequences for us both as an adult.

Neither me or my brother have had a successful relationship, neither of us have children, both of us have had a lot of mental health issues. Neither of us have had good careers.

You need to look at the long term psychological impact that it will have to your child.

Seperation a child from her father can cause severe mental damage. It is important that she lives near him so she can go and see him if she wants. As a teenager, if she lived near him, she would be able to walk up to his house herself and see him.

Your daughter is attempting suicide at a very young age. That tells you all you need to know

I know a few people have already recommended YoungMinds, but there's a long list of services who may be able to provide support here

https://mhfaengland.org/mhfa-centre/resources/for-schools/helpful-resources-for-young-peoples-mental-health.pdf

Wishing you all the best, it's a tricky time x

OP said they ‘hardly saw him’ - ‘once every couple of weeks’ ’possibly’ - which indicates it wasn’t regular contact like a whole weekend EOW. And many dads these days take 50:50, 60:40 etc. He didn’t pay towards them either. That’s not an invested dad.

Now they have separated he’s messing with his kids’ heads.

I just think that people need to look at the long term psychological impact of seperation a child from her father.

In my family, I have 6 cousins.

5 of them had father's. 1 didn't. The mother moved the child far away from the father.

The five people who had dad's are all doing well. They have great careers. They have good relationships. Some are senior managers.

My one cousin who was kept away from his real father, went into a lifetime of problems. He did drugs for a while. He became severely depressed. He has never had a job. He is in his late thirties now. He is in disability benefit for depression . He doesn't have a good relationship.

Me and my brother are the same as him. My mother also took us away fron our dad when we were children. Me and my brother have had constant problems in our lives. We have done badly in every area of life, in our jobs , in our relationships.

Being taken away from your father has a massive psychological impact on people. It definitely messed me up. I know that it affects my relationships as I am afraid to get too close to people. I am afraid to get close to people, as I was close to people when I was a child, and all of a sudden I was taken far away from them.

The psychological impact of this is huge.

@Mooshamoo I’m sorry for your issues - but many kids move away from a parent, or a parent moves away from them, and it doesn’t prevent them forming relationships or forging careers as adults. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own issues rather than blaming a parent or life circumstances.

@Mooshamoo

She is encouraging the DF to spend time with DC. OP did the right thing leaving ExDH he was texting OW in the home.

This post is t about your cousins it's about OP. Also your sample size sucks.

The three things that a child needs in their life to thrive are mother’s love, father’s love and stability.

Every child has a right to their mother and father, not just for visits but each day, every day for the whole of their lives.

There is no amount of counselling or money that you can spend that would replace a father’s love or the stability the children would feel with you all under one roof.

Girls who grow up without their father under the same roof are at higher risk of issues such as mental health problems and teenage pregnancy.

Boys are at higher risk of issues such as delinquency, drug abuse and criminality.

Without a healthy model, they are both at risk of inability to form stable relationships and families of their own which could lead to a intergenerational cycle of the same.

Instead of working on the problems in your marriage, you and ex-DH have shifted the heavy burden onto your children. It is adults who should sacrifice for children not the other way round.

You need to be honest with yourself, your children and your ex-DH. Your children’s futures depend on you and your ex-DH doing hard things so they don’t have to.

And some of my most successful friends had single parents - either from divorce or death.

One friend - her father shot himself and her mother came home and found him. Two years later her mother died after routine surgery. She was an orphan at 19 with a younger sister to look after. She set up business and took care of her sister. She’s now very wealthy (the business was very successful) and married to a lovely man with kids of their own.

Most people don't move hundreds of miles away from the other parent. Id say I've only met about five people in my life who had parents who lived that far away.

Everyone else had parents that lived near them

@Childrensrights

Are you for real?

He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

@Mooshamoo you are just being offensive now. MN will come and remove you soon.