I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

[fml666]

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

Every parent or family who moves EVER will frame it as an adventure.

Aware of what impact? That their dad who barely saw them when they lived close was going to see them even less when they moved away? I'd say there was a high chance that he would have stopped bothering with them anyway, all the signs are there that he's like that, couldn't be arsed to see them when they lived close, now tries to fill their heads with poison about the mum, he's a deadbeat and an arsehole.

As someone whose parents made us move countries 8 times in 4 years, I can understand why your daughter and son are blaming their current problems on the move.

However as others have suggested, they are looking back at their earlier years with rose tinted glasses. The difficulties your daughter is experiencing now probably would have happened no matter where she was. The origin of the problem seems to be they are missing their father...unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do about that if he's not willing to make the effort to see them.

I would sit them both down and tell them as age appropriately as possible, that you cannot afford to move back, and also that you are the one facilitating their contact with their father, and even if you were in a position to move back, the level of contact would not improve.

I moved back to my home country of Australia after my first divorce at 23. I thought moving back would 'solve' all my problems...but my problems moved back with me (literally, in the case of my mother), and in fact became far worse. All my divorce settlement, £7K and a year later I was back in the UK, I came back with less than £50 to my name and was homeless for awhile.

I would get your DD therapy ASAP. Suicide is a leading cause of death in teenagers and young people and self-harm is a red flag. I work for NHS and I know how overstretched they are. You will be waiting forever for any mental health support on NHS.

She was replying to beetlebuggy who said "I smell"

You need to stop making their DF contact them. They need to know what he’s really like. Get private therapy for DD - cutting will just get worse if she isn’t around friends / loved ones. So whatever you do don’t move until that is sorted.

@Mooshamoo

Yeah but it was @AlienatedChildGrown that bored the life out of me 🥱 with their irrelevant diatribe.

I just wanted to respond to your comment above.. I had similar with my dc and their dad. I asked an experienced family counsellor about how to deal with his terrible parenting without slagging him off to the dcs. She told me to be very careful of giving them a rose tinted view of him that would backfire later when they realised what he was really like. Instead, answer their questions truthfully and be as honest with them as is appropriate for their ages. Really helpful advice. I wish you all the best.. It sounds like you have done your best in a very difficult situation 💐

I don’t really think she misses her DF -in fact as she gets to teens spending time with him seems a bad idea.
It’s hard to admit as a teen that you aren’t popular/ have few friends/ not that bright/ want to be better looking due to who you are - or at least you think it’s some failing in yourself. So less hurtful to blame someone else -yr DM.
Counselling -ask around for suggestions -ime being able to speak openly and honestly to someone could make all the difference.

That’s just the results of geography. In the countries where the father is either automatically the “owner” of the children, or far more likely to be given primary custody the sex roles are reversed. But the kids get the same hand dealt. One of loss.

For better or worse is as applicable to becoming parents together as it is marriage. Except the recipients of the better or worse include the children in the mix.

One parent (NNT or otherwise) irresponsible, not good at getting their shit together, tends to place their own wants over the children’s needs ? Everybody’s problem. Everybody’s for better or worse. Because everybody gets to live with the ramifications of that, including the extent to which it fuels the emotions spiralling a kid out of control at an already tricky point of development.

Making “not bothering, not taking responsibility” even more seductive by placing the barrier of great distance between the parent and his/her ability to pull their finger out.

Lone parents move away for support. Which is understandable. And they alone cannot make a less involved parent get their act together. So maybe the way forward is looking at ways to keep even the less capable parents in the picture through social expectation and action at a governmental and community level.

As long as this gets framed as a battle of the sexes kids are going to keep falling through the cracks (well, more like yawning gulf at this point) and grow up at high risk of repeating the cycle with their own kids. It’s not about the sexes. It’s about children getting the best hand they can be dealt given the circumstances.

I think it's also being missed that the OP was moving the kids to be closer to family, family who would be engaged with them.

I moved a lot as a child, in fact was homeless at one point. It wasn't ideal but my Mum did her best and she stayed with my alcoholic father, which probably wasn't the best decision. In turn, I had to move my children where the work was, again not ideal. But we eventually moved back to somewhere, where everyone (except me) remembered being happy, we are still there and it wasn't a good move for any of us. Rose tinted glasses are a thing.

Not suggesting your new DP is a replacement for her dad but this is a good thing that they get on.

I agree that even if DD blames the move, this probably isn't really the root of her sadness and self-harming - it's more likely the rejection by her dad. And moving back there and struggling, what would it achieve if the useless lump of her dad is not interested? It's his fault you had to move away, not yours.

I think she might be projecting and her dad is not the issue something else is. My daughter has had a lot of therapy as have I. I have always found it helpful to help my daughter identify the feelings she is having and then track back to when she first had those feelings - what is was happening at the time.

Definitely

her irrelevant diatribe

Inconveniently her

I’m not being surreptitiously cast as some kind male father’s rights activist in disguise (with the oh so casual use of “their”). A pox on their house too. They are just as guilty of making this all about adults’ wants and feelings while failing entirely to take a cold, hard look at their own contributions to the mess their children find themselves in.

Could I ask a question: Did you move from a large city to a rural area or is it about the same environment?

Could your family pitch in to help?
Sometimes, even a tenner from a couple of people could help ease the load.
I understand not everyone would be in a position to do this, but it is worth asking.

My aunt pays for my nieces private speech therapy, as her parents would struggle to afford it on their own.

Hope you manage to find help for your DD.

@AlienatedChildGrown

As long as this gets framed as a battle of the sexes kids are going to keep falling through the cracks (well, more like yawning gulf at this point) and grow up at high risk of repeating the cycle with their own kids. It’s not about the sexes. It’s about children getting the best hand they can be dealt given the circumstances.

It gets framed that way due to people discussing that it's a common issue. It's not a battle of the sexes in individual families. Most single mothers I know have bent over backwards to try to facilitate and encourage the dads being involved, but unfortunately many just can't be arsed.

Lone parents move away for support. Which is understandable. And they alone cannot make a less involved parent get their act together. So maybe the way forward is looking at ways to keep even the less capable parents in the picture through social expectation and action at a governmental and community level.

The social expectation will need to come from men then, because women at an individual level have tried their best for a long time and it does nothing to encourage these dads to get their act together. And when women as a group discuss this phenomenon they tend to get attacked by deadbeats or by people trying to make out the women need to do more.

Are there local charities that can help?
I'm in Ireland and therapy from the HSE is so hard to get and there's such a long wait list, but there are lots of local charities who will offer free therapy or donation based only if you can afford a donation.

You mentioned your daughter is waiting for an assessment for ASD - I would maybe focus on counseling and support based around Autism. For so many young girls with Autism, if they haven't received a diagnosis yet it can come out through poor mental health because they're struggling and it could even be that she's misplacing the blame - moving isn't going to fix how she's feeling, we know that as adults but she probably just feels if she was removed from the situation everything would get better.
Maybe look at Autism UK and consider if the school she's at is the right one for her. Also talk to her about the ASD, how it manifests in girls/women and how many other women have felt similar in their journey with neurodivergence.

I think you are coping amazingly. Getting out of a destructive relationship and building a new safer future for yourself and your kids.
Where I feel you have gone 'wrong'... to use that phrase.... is accomodating your kids useless father up to this point.
Tell the kids to write to their father and he can let them know when he wants to see them and you will do everything you can to make sure it happens.
This way he can 'prove' his committment to them.
And if he actually steps up and initiates contact THROUGH THE KIDS you will be able to eat your hat!!
And if he doesnt they will know HE is the one who let them down.
Tough lesson for them, but they will work it out in time anyway... and will take some of the strain off you and the power off him.

sounds like the grass is greener for her
she is changing schools and undergoing ASD assessment
she is 12, it is a stage,
she will get through it
the school may have counselling? my dd also self harmed at that age, the school provided counselling

Please don’t move back. It will make things worse, not better. Your life will be far more difficult because you won’t have your support network. Your ex partner still won’t have anything to do with his kids. True reason for his lack of involvement isn’t geography. Your daughter needs to understand this.

For every lone parent I’ve watched (inc. my SIL with my useless lump of a brother & a friend with his erratic ex-wife) do the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest in ballet slippers to keep their child’s under-involved parent in the picture as much as possible, there’s one I’ve watched say one thing while doing the other (inc. my first late FIL who had complete custody of ex-DH and his sibling, and my own mother).

We can carry on for another 3 decades arguing til the cows come home which sex has to take more or less of the blame for the mess children are in and is therefore obliged to go first in fixing it. But that is time and energy lost to finding a better way to manage the fallout that’s flattening an ever growing proportion of children.

If I had a child who was self harming I would move heaven and earth to get them into a specialist private therapist ASAP.

If there's a shit parent then there's a shit parent, whether that's the mother or the father.

The shit parent is the one who has to go in first to fixing it, because the not shit parent has generally always tried to get them involved and it hasn't worked.