I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

[fml666]

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

I agree with so much here. As the better parent we try and shield kids from the reality of a rubbish parent but the risk is they internalise that and blame themselves / the other parent. Sometimes they need to know but have support to process that. Finding a good therapist to help would be the best investment you will ever make

I’m sorry, it’s very difficult when your children struggle. There’s every chance this would happen regardless of any move. These years are tough. Just to reiterate, it’s worth asking school for support, with your daughter’s permission. They can sometimes help access counselling. Best of luck.

Wow, thank you for all your replies. To address briefly some of the questions asked:

We got a rescue dog about 18 months. He's amazing. All 3 of us ADORE him. That's been the best thing I've done in years. DS wants a cat, but there's a strong chance DDog would eat a cat, so......

Sexuality.... since the age of 9 DD has been trying to pigeon hole herself re sexuality. She decided she was non binary and asked for everyone to call her a boys name. That went on a while! I gave her my ( strong) views on sex/ gender issues and we've happily agreed I'm transphobic. But she's come out of that phase and decided she's bi sexual now. No big issue, I've just reassured her she needs to be true to herself but that things change as she gets older sometimes.

DS. He's a bit younger, he's 10, and appears to be far more straight forward! As long as he gets ( loads of) food and can play football, he's all good. On the surface anyway. I'm monitoring him closely. I've acknowledged with both of them that they've been through massive upheaval and will continue to do so.

DD is moving schools. Next week she starts year 8 in a new school. More upheaval. She's been asking to move schools since day 1 at her old school. To be fair, her old school are appalling with SEN issues. As she was so consistent with her wish to move schools, I agreed in the end to give it a go. I think it will be traumatic for her and suspect not much will improve, but I felt I needed her to know I was listening to her. I'm hoping to be able to get better support for her at the new school, they have a massive SEN department with an excellent reputation.

Sorry about the drip feed, but she's also awaiting an assessment for ASD, referred by her own school.

Sorr

Did you ask your DD's if they wanted to move? It may have been the right thing for you but they might not have wanted to go.

I think both parents are responsible for making sure they see kids aftewr a split so although you say he didn't make an effort with them did you make an effort to go to him with them? you moved, he didn't. You might have made an effort so the kids could see their dad but it isn't clear in what you have wrote.

I've considered this, briefly. But worry that she would feel rejected by me too then. Plus, I'm not happy that he would look after her properly.

FFS.

Write to your MP and ask how CAMHS can be fit for purpose if your DD is not able to be seen and clearly she is a harm to herself. Mark it as urgent.

Speak to the children's father and by any means - create a decent time for them to see him, even if it's at your cost. Do you have anyone locally who would be able to house him for a long weekend?

Make it in the future - maybe October half term. Offer him petrol money and arrange a couple of activities he could take them too. It's good for your daughter's mental health to have something to look forward to. It's also good for her to get out of her environment for a bit.

Then speak to your daughter, explain for the next couple of months you're going to be saving money and getting her to see a therapist. Apologise how she's living far away but explain what makes a "good life" friends, family, a good job. How all of that is provided for you here as well as child support. Tell her that her Dad is coming up in October to spend good time with them and that she needs urgent support. That you can't afford to move down now because you need to get her to a good safe place. It would not be fun to move down and be this stressed away from the people she knows well - and might upset the friends she has down there. And together, make a plan for next summer. So she can go back for a holiday. Make a savings plan, agree birthday money etc that can get put towards it. Again - give her something she wants, and something to look forward to.

Someone I know would get their children dressed and ready to leave each weekend that their father was going to have them.

He occasionally turned up and they would be over the moon. Most of the time he wouldn’t and they would sit by the door for hours upset.
Then one day they refused to get ready for him as he probably wouldn’t arrive and when he did eventually turn up they told him they weren’t interested
She said it was the hardest thing she had to do.
To show them that their father who they idolised wasn’t the parent they thought he was
The father she said was dumbfounded as he really thought that when they older he would go for full custody and they would choose to live with him full time

I think you need to give set access days. If he chooses to turn up or doesn’t then they can work out themselves what the truth is.

It might mean a lot of driving EOW but if he does turn up then they are happy and if he doesn’t then they will know his true feelings.

As I stated in my OP, I take them to see him, acknowledging that I was the one who moved so far away.

I am rethinking this however, moving forward...

My daughter went through SH age 14.. ( school bullies,) l tool her out of school n home educated her..Best decision l made.. her dad was pt dad saw her Sundays at a push from age of three.. age 16 he stopped maintenance and seeing her.. hadn't seen him since..
No idea where he is.
CAHMS was useless.
I honestly think there is an underlying issue here.. rather than where you live and her Dad.
Moving back won't help the problem and could make it worse and make you all unhappy which won't help.
A happy Mum is needed here to carry the load until she getsthe help needed.
After having +++ plus years of counselling.. via NHS and getting no where.. a private one is the way to go.. but a recommended one ..Good luck.

Don’t move back , if you do it will just be something else that is wrong . Your daughter is old enough to decide that she wants to live with her dad if that’s what she wants to try , as long as the door is open for her to come back then that is not rejection it’s choice .

Private counselling may be your way forward op. It can work wonders and you can start off weekly and then after a month or so drop to every other week and wean her off.

This is the dad’s fault for being so absent, not yours.

This may not be a popular opinion but ime girls I’m particular are desperate for their dad’s approval. It almost matters more than the mum’s because they know mum will love them no matter what. Statistics tell us this is true - number of women abandoning dc compared to men is very low. far too many men can walk away with ease. Keep conversation flowing and maybe it’s time to be honest that their father wasn’t who you’d hoped and they deserve better.

i think the mh issues would have happened wherever you lived. You can’t wait for cahms, but do get referred (push for it) but use other resources - we have open mind in Somerset and I know there’s an online platform for teen mh support with chat rooms etc but I can’t remember the name. Call mind and they will signpost. Most of all, keep conversations open.

It's clear from some of the childrens' comments when they returned from a recent stay with him ( initiated by myself, and I took them to see him) that he has been making comments to the children about how mean I've been taking them away from him, etc. DD told me her dad said I'm "not bringing them up very well" and that this is the reason she SHs.

From day one I have actually said he could stay with us to facilitate him visiting them. But he won't. Not that I want that now as our relationship has deteriorated. But he won't. To make it clear: if I don't initiate it he will not have ANY contact with his DC at all. Im trying to protect them from discovering this.

I am so sorry your family is having such a difficult time. Don't thikn moving will help at all, problems do tend to follow a person. Don't discount the terrible effects of Covid/Lockdown and what that has done to young kids mental health, problems like you are facing have sky rocketed since lockdown. You are just going to have to push push push for your child to get the help she needs. Don't take No for an answer when they say stupid things like not meeting thresholds. Consider charities like YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People | YoungMinds and anywhere else that offers free services that you can access. Good Luck

It’s a lot less painful for your kids to blame distance rather that your ex’s personality for them non-contact. Back where they call home they would be faced with the bleak reality that he just doesn’t care about them. If he did he would be visiting them and having them to stay with him.

DD is at an age where mental health troubles commonly start, and, while I’m sure ex’s neglect feeds into that, plenty of young people with two happy parents experience serious mental health difficulties, with no obvious genesis. So I’m not convinced that the move is the cause of DD’s problems, although as it happened at the same time they started it’s understandable she makes the link.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It isn't your fault - you did what you thought was best for them.

If you need to struggle financially for therapy for her, then please do struggle financially. She's attempted suicide - she needs help.

I do t think you made a mistake. You made the decision that you thought was in your children's best interests. Their father sounds like a complete waste of time. He doesn't care about them. If they return to that are and he doesn't step up, surely their sense of rejection will be worse. Moving back will not fix your daughters issues.

I'm going to add another post.. after seeing where you mentioned DD being bi sexual.
The daughter l mentioned who SH.. became promiscuous age 16.. ( with boys) married age 25 they already had a 3 year old son.. seemed very very happy. .. but always suffered with MH badly since the self harming at school..Sil wonderful.. kind caring.. great job.. hands on.
Last year age 28 thought she was bi sexual and with the support of her husband decided to open up their marriage..
6 months later realised she was fully Gay.. they parted. Son soon adapted.. she now has a wonderful partner.. she has 2 girls.. a blended family and her MH has improved 10 fold.
Coming out as been the making of her.

If your DD is moving school then maybe do some work with her on how she'll manage situations / her feelings in her new place? As a teacher I've seen many children move school and bring the same issues to their new school. AND I've seen other children who've used it as an opportunity to "reinvent themselves" and have flourished.
So maybe anticipating that she'll feel nervous, will be the newbie not knowing where to go, routines etc. What can she do to manage that?
Finding the good bits / small wins each day etc etc. Although this is perhaps for younger children, there's a few tips on the Childline
website:
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/school-college-and-work/school-college/moving-schools/

Hope it goes well for her.

If he wanted to be in their lives, 350 miles would not stop him. In fact, moving back will probably retraumatize them as they will expect him to be suddenly there and he will not, likely very erratic and ultimately damaging.

It’s quite strange really that the kids are saying that they want to be near their father, if they’ve had no contact. It’s likely that you are all not coping for different reasons that well, but it being their Dad seems to be the ‘reason’ you are all clinging to rather than face up to the likely real reason, which is probably complex.

Get a lot of help and stop saying to your kids that you made a mistake.

Her dad is so toxic that the less contact they have the better. However much she wants to see him, this maligning of you can only damage her mental health.

I think this is far more about her struggling with her ASD and being rejected by her father. It would have been no different if you had stayed. She would still be massively struggling with both those things.

@fml666 ‘To make it clear: if I don't initiate it he will not have ANY contact with his DC at all. Im trying to protect them from discovering this’

I completely understand what you’re doing here, I did this too until I realised hiding this from them wasn’t actually helping. I think you could let them know the truth, age appropriately, which may just mean no longer lying about how the contact happens, just be honest that you are the one initiating this. For their benefit. But at the cost of your mental health, and ultimately your relationship with them as they are not aware of the truth about their DF.
I think you’ve done amazingly personally, and I wish you all the best moving forward.

I agree. To me DD is struggling with typical SEN issues - the gender identity issues, school issues, anxiety, depression and self harm issues. Of course some kids with SEN struggle with change more than others, but the shift to secondary school is major wherever you are.

No-one can say for sure but I think it’s highly likely she would have had precisely the same issues back home, but she would not have been able to avoid the reality about her father.