Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

206 replies

fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:26

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

OP posts:
Beetlebuggy · 28/08/2023 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

In that case maybe her father should have made some effort to be present in the child's life. And your final comment is just offensive, I smell an incel.

Ap42 · 28/08/2023 14:25

It's so easy for children to look back with Rose tinted glasses. We moved from the family home 6 years ago after I left the children's dad. My son almost went through a grieving stage for our old house. But he remembers very little of the arguments and his Father being physically abusive towards me in our old house.
I suspect there's more going on with your daughter, or maybe she doesn't know why she feels the way she does. It's easy to then blame the most obvious thing (the move). Even if you moved back, by the sounds of it Dad still wouldn't make any effort.
You cannot be responsible for his shitty choices. Your one person, doing your best. Go easy on yourself.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 14:26

It's as though Fathers4Justice have found the thread. Hmm Ignore them OP.

Mooshamoo · 28/08/2023 14:27

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 14:19

@Mooshamoo you are just being offensive now. MN will come and remove you soon.

Hmm

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 14:27

Unfortunately FFJ are all over MN.

MumGMT · 28/08/2023 14:29

fml666 · 28/08/2023 11:55

It's clear from some of the childrens' comments when they returned from a recent stay with him ( initiated by myself, and I took them to see him) that he has been making comments to the children about how mean I've been taking them away from him, etc. DD told me her dad said I'm "not bringing them up very well" and that this is the reason she SHs.

From day one I have actually said he could stay with us to facilitate him visiting them. But he won't. Not that I want that now as our relationship has deteriorated. But he won't. To make it clear: if I don't initiate it he will not have ANY contact with his DC at all. Im trying to protect them from discovering this.

Not the same situation but my eldest came home to me in tears when he was around 16 saying sorry and that when there were issues with me and his dad in the past that he always blamed me, but had finally seen and understood it was never me.

I told him he had nothing at all to apologise for because I tried to shield him from what happened and never said anything about his dad (because I thought that was the right thing to do) and it wasn't his fault if he believed his dad making out I did stuff.

So now I don't think shielding them is always the right thing to do, if your ex is talking shit about you then you need to ask yourself which is better, that they believe a harmful lie or that they know the harmful truth.

The kids live with you, you raise them, it is not in their best interests that you try to protect them from knowing the truth about their dad, considering he's twisting the story and trying to turn them against you.

Mooshamoo · 28/08/2023 14:31

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 14:26

It's as though Fathers4Justice have found the thread. Hmm Ignore them OP.

Im a woman.

And im not talking from the father's point of view.

I'm talking from how I felt when I was a child going through the same thing. I am talking from the child's point of view .

I went through the same situation when I was a child.

I can talk about how it feels.

My brother also attempted suicide when her was a teenager. Because we had been seperated from our dad.

Again in understand why women make these choices out of financial necessity.

I am just saying that the long term psychological impact on the child needs to be looked at , as it will have an impact

Cookiecrumblepie · 28/08/2023 14:31

Can your DD have contact and stay with her father temporarily? Once she spends time with him she might realise that he’s not that great and it might make her realise what she has at home.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/08/2023 14:32

Just want to add another voice saying this isn’t on you.

Sometimes a child will have a hard time getting through regardless of their upbringing.

Cookiecrumblepie · 28/08/2023 14:32

I went through similar as a child and the best thing I did was reconnect as a teen/adult and realise for myself that my dad was a horrible person and my mum a saint.

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 14:32

Childrensrights · 28/08/2023 14:12

The three things that a child needs in their life to thrive are mother’s love, father’s love and stability.

Every child has a right to their mother and father, not just for visits but each day, every day for the whole of their lives.

There is no amount of counselling or money that you can spend that would replace a father’s love or the stability the children would feel with you all under one roof.

Girls who grow up without their father under the same roof are at higher risk of issues such as mental health problems and teenage pregnancy.

Boys are at higher risk of issues such as delinquency, drug abuse and criminality.

Without a healthy model, they are both at risk of inability to form stable relationships and families of their own which could lead to a intergenerational cycle of the same.

Instead of working on the problems in your marriage, you and ex-DH have shifted the heavy burden onto your children. It is adults who should sacrifice for children not the other way round.

You need to be honest with yourself, your children and your ex-DH. Your children’s futures depend on you and your ex-DH doing hard things so they don’t have to.

So, your advice to my brother whose wife (the mother of their 6 year old child in their happy, stable family) was killed in tragic accident) would be what exactly? "You've put the heavy burden of losing their mum on to your children"??

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 14:33

This is not something a woman would say about women.

So I think the mothers should take responsibility when the child is small, and let the child see the father. Mothers should also think of the long term psychological impact on the child, now and in later life.

gabsdot · 28/08/2023 14:34

Its possible that she would be behaving exactly the same if you had never moved.

ineedatreat · 28/08/2023 14:35

Some do these posts (from men) are ridiculous. I didn't leave my ex-husband for fun I left as he was an abusive wanker. He still is. I didn't move hundreds of miles away but my DD has still done similar to the OP's.

OP do not blame yourself.

My advice is go to CAMHS in person and refuse to leave. I did and it worked.

Good luck.

Mooshamoo · 28/08/2023 14:36

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 14:33

This is not something a woman would say about women.

So I think the mothers should take responsibility when the child is small, and let the child see the father. Mothers should also think of the long term psychological impact on the child, now and in later life.

Christ. Why wouldn't a woman say that about women?

Do you think women can't challenge other women on anything that they do. Why is that?

GuinnessBird · 28/08/2023 14:38

Why am I a man because I'm not automatically fawning over the OP?

Her decision to move 350 miles away has consequences, as she is now finding out.

Just because some women hate their children's father, it doesn't mean that the children will too.

Mirabai · 28/08/2023 14:39

Mooshamoo · 28/08/2023 14:14

Most people don't move hundreds of miles away from the other parent. Id say I've only met about five people in my life who had parents who lived that far away.

Everyone else had parents that lived near them

Show quote history

Really? What a sheltered life you’ve led.

Beetlebuggy · 28/08/2023 14:43

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 14:32

So, your advice to my brother whose wife (the mother of their 6 year old child in their happy, stable family) was killed in tragic accident) would be what exactly? "You've put the heavy burden of losing their mum on to your children"??

Show quote history

The OP had the full financial and practical burden of caring for her kids. What role model was a father who doesn't provide financially, doesn't help round the house, infact leaves it in a state, hoards and sits on his arse, whilst his wife struggles to manage.
What would her children be learning from that role model? How to treat their future partners, how they are not a priority in their father's eyes?
Yes, children will always benefit from a decent responsible father, but a feckless one is probably more harmful than no father at all.
A lot of these father "warriors" seem to believe just their male aura is enough to bring up a well balanced child.

MumGMT · 28/08/2023 14:43

Mooshamoo · 28/08/2023 14:31

Im a woman.

And im not talking from the father's point of view.

I'm talking from how I felt when I was a child going through the same thing. I am talking from the child's point of view .

I went through the same situation when I was a child.

I can talk about how it feels.

My brother also attempted suicide when her was a teenager. Because we had been seperated from our dad.

Again in understand why women make these choices out of financial necessity.

I am just saying that the long term psychological impact on the child needs to be looked at , as it will have an impact

Show quote history

The men who can't be arsed to see their kids when they move away are the same men who can't be arsed to see them even if they live 10 minutes down the road once the woman ends the relationship, they just couldn't be bothered keeping up a relationship with the kids if they're not with the mother.

MumGMT · 28/08/2023 14:45

GuinnessBird · 28/08/2023 14:38

Why am I a man because I'm not automatically fawning over the OP?

Her decision to move 350 miles away has consequences, as she is now finding out.

Just because some women hate their children's father, it doesn't mean that the children will too.

Did you miss this part?

A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

She didn't take the kids away from an involved father who made an effort with the kids.

GuinnessBird · 28/08/2023 14:48

MumGMT · 28/08/2023 14:45

Did you miss this part?

A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

She didn't take the kids away from an involved father who made an effort with the kids.

Show quote history

They were young kids at the time, they would not have been aware of the impact, who framed it as an adventure I wonder?

Lonicerax · 28/08/2023 14:49

I winder if at puberty having your DP ?living with you is a bit uncomfortable for her. Also hi lights useless DF.

AlienatedChildGrown · 28/08/2023 14:49

Beetlebuggy · 28/08/2023 14:23

In that case maybe her father should have made some effort to be present in the child's life. And your final comment is just offensive, I smell an incel.

Show quote history

I smell a now grown deeply hurt child.

What is being said might not be practically useful for the OP, who does not have access to a Tardis to check out all the alternative universes where a variety of different choices were made. Then armed with all that hindsight teleport her family back in time for the do-over with known less negative outcomes.

But what is being said might offer insight into the workings of a hurt child’s mind. Which can be uncomfortable. But potentially more enlightening than the presumptions adults can make, sometimes because it seems more logical to them. Sometimes because it’s more palatable.

And even if it is not useful in terms of providing solutions, perhaps it’s the voice that has been missing in this decades-long conversation. One that might not be able to inform decision about how to manage what cannot be undone. But perhaps come to mind when others are facing their own very real dilemmas when balancing the practical dilemma/pressures of today against the potential emotional price tag they’ll be paying in several years time.

IMO there has to be room for the (now grown) hurt child in the equation, if there is any hope of reducing the hurt in the children of today and tomorrow. Realistically the only way the minors can get their voice taken into consideration, because while still minors it’s unlikely that what they say will be factored in as being what they really mean.

Grimbelina · 28/08/2023 14:49

Those advocating for the fathers rights and the right for the child to see the father... that's all very well but the father in this case (and many others) doesn't want to exercise that right.

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 14:52

@AlienatedChildGrown

You lost me at 'I smell' 🥱