I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

[fml666]

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

You may just need to keep on at them with regards to support. Just keep evidence, contact them every single time anything happens ect.

It is extremely likely you would be having these issues regardless of where you live. A total rejection by a father is honestly the most painful experience, and of a magnitude difficult up to describe. Her harming is a distress flare.
You could move back tomorrow and things would be exactly the same.

I would go as far as to say you really must stay where you are. Your family and friend support network are invaluable to the both of you. It’s a rough road, you will come through this but you will need all the support you can get.

This is not your fault.
This is not about the move.

This is a young girl dealing with abandonment from the one person, besides you, that should have loved her unconditionally.

12 is a tough age. I remember it really distinctly as an unsettling time, especially getting my period.

I would get counselling if you can possibly afford it. And try some 1-2-1 time with your daughter every week.

Also stop pushing your ex to have contact. Sporadic shit contact might be causing more harm than good. As she gets older she'll stop idealising him and realise he was shit.

I raised my DS completely alone and I think at your DDs age and a bit younger he thought that his DF in his life would be another me. I was a lenient and present parent. Even when that waste of oxygen let him down after promising to visit. I always said I would try and arrange something but he would be disappointed. It took alot of talk over many years and for him to see what some other DFs were like for him to realise it wouldn't be like that at all.

It's so hard and so unfair because we were the ones who stayed.

I hope this resolves for you all.

Your dd is at that transitional age (woman body and all the hormones that go with it but not an adult ) she is probably seeing other friends that have either a father at home or one they see regularly. She is possibly grieving something she never had a father.
My dd had similar issues but it was a struggle I’m not going to say it’s easy or quick. She needs an impartial person to talk things through in south west there is off the record it’s aimed at teens tweens. You may have a similar service near you. Your local council website might be able to signpost you to relevant agencies who may have online therapy for example CBT. Her school should have something also.
Its so hard to get them help I know CAmHSS (sw) have raised the threshold for access to their services but considering the self harm I would first get urgent chat with gp and look up local services via council child’s part.
my best wishes it’s so heartbreaking and you feel helpless I’ve been there. Help is out there just keep going and fighting your daughters corner. Xx

@Lastchancechica totally agree, or even worse in fact.

So you move back, he still rejects her, you lost your support, you are unhappy, you uproot her sibling, no chance.

Concentrate on finding support and help for her where you are.

I’m afraid I don’t have any helpful advice but I do just want to say that, in my experience, your DD’s age is very typical for this kind of behaviour. I sought out [troubled] ‘fun’ people, and did (self)destructive things like you describe mostly from 13-16. I had friends who self-harmed. We are all doing pretty well now in jobs/life/love etc. Im not trying to minimise her issues but I don’t see how moving house/area would help. Definitely get her therapy if you can so she can work through the realisation that her dad is a PoS.

Firstly stop saying it was a mistake. It wasn’t - the move improved all of your lives. Your DDs mental health could have suffered wherever you went and whatever you did. Do not beat yourself up - you sound a wonderful mother. You could have been in any situation and your dd would have felt as she does.. I do not think the two are related. It’s an obvious thing to assume but the move was not the cause. She sounds like she needs help - counselling to move beyond her father who has done nothing but reject her. That is a possible cause to her poor MH and low esteem- do whatever you can to help her move forward. But don’t move back. You did the right thing imo xox

I would gently ease off talking about their father altogether or visits and fill their time with the family that are there for her.

Do you have any other kindly male family members that could step in? It’s not the same, but it can make all the difference. Speak to them really honestly about the situation your dd is in, if there is a way that they could support her.

Please call around charities that might offer free counselling too, tell them the situation. If you call young minds you will be escalated to their senior team, with attempted suicide and can speak in confidence with their counsellors and get support.

Op, please stop considering a move, and don’t mention it again to them. It’s not an option and needs to be taken off the table so to speak. Positive preparation for the new school, plan some evenings to invite over potential new friends. Continue to encourage lots of time with her old friends. The focus needs to be around her and this school move, not her father. / old area.

I am sorry you are going through this, you really are not alone. 💐

to add to my post, I think if you move back actually it might be even worse for her because she will feel rejected by her dad over and over again. Better to try and work through it from afar for her.. so sorry you’re going through this, v hard to watch our children unhappy but I do want to tell you I think you’ve absolutely done the right thing with the moving xxx

I support this take also, my friends daughter went through the same scenario of blaming her mum when her dad actually cheated, domestic violence and caused havoc but my friend protected her from everything. But it got to a point where she had to sit her down and explain the situation she left, not the gory details but generally and it really helped when she could explain decisions she made (like moving) and went lengths to repairing their relationship and her daughter's relationship with herself (self harm also).
I will add that 12 is a tough age, I have a daughter the same age and it's bloody tough. Go easy on yourself and help her how you can but remember it's not your fault and you did what you felt was right

I think this hits the nail on the head. It must be too awful for your DD to face the fact her Dad just can't be bothered to see her unless you set everything up and force him into it. So she deflects the blame on to you. You say you have a nice house, family support and both your DC have friends. If you move away you'd be back to square one with no support at all. I'd stay put but try to pay for your DD to access some private counselling.

It could have been the move. And it could be that she feels guilty because her DF has manipulated her during the last visit. But it could also be that she is struggling with puberty, etc. It's a difficult stage for girls.
Moving her to the new school is a good idea. Find out what counselling services they offer and how they will support her throughout the day. Let them know about the self-harming. Some schools do daily MH wellbeing checks.
Does she have interests outside school? How much time is she spending online? The struggles with gender and self-harming are patterns we've seen in teen girls in our DCs' friendship groups. Subtly manoeuvring them away from friendship groups obsessed with gender and sexuality correlated with upticks in their MH and an end to self-harming.
She could be lashing out because she sees you're happy in this new life and she is struggling. But if you give clear parameters (eg we're not moving back to the old area) then can you look at solutions to the individual problems eg better friendship groups, encouraging hobbies and activities.

I didn't move away, the children see their dad, we e also had some of the same issues.

Just moving isn't the issue, I promise. Their dad would be just as useless if you'd stayed.

Also although I said it could have been the move - I wasn't blaming you. The move was made for the right reasons and it shouldn't be reversed. Moving back wouldn't fix your DD's issues. I was just acknowledging that sometimes we move, and we do hate it, and it is difficult. But I think you're taking good steps to support your DD by moving to the new school, etc.

You have not made a mistake. The father is a major problem by filling your daughters head with confusion and doubt and not seeing her consistently, and blaming you to deflect from his responsibilities. That's despicable. Your daughter would have issues with her gender/sexuality, lack of paternal interest, maybe have problems with schoolfriends/changing school and changing hormones at her age anyway. She is putting the blame for her confusion on the move [and picking up on your guilt] and focussing in on it, but it isn't that. Rejection [by one's father] can be devastating. My sons experienced this [so painful to see], but thank God they worked out their father was the one with the personality failure/weakness of character, no one else.
She has to work through all this and of course needs the help to do it. Stop blaming yourself, your children could hone in on that and use it as an excuse for anything which isn't quite right, when you have done the best thing you could have done, and have done well. Life can be problematic when a teenager wherever they live, whatever circumstances, it's about learning to deal with life as it happens and it's tough sometimes.

Not your fault it wasn't a mistake,don't blame yourself.it's likely this behaviour is linked to more than one issue and you must stop blaming yourself.
moving would be absolutely the wrong thing to do.She needs stability ,she has that.I hope you both get some help 🌻

I will say as a child in a similar position as your dd, she will come through it. Remain calm and in control at all times, don’t let the fear prevent you from being fully adult and strong, she needs more boundaries not less to feel safe. She needs to know you can carry this pain with her.

Don’t underestimate just how difficult this is as a parent. You too will need a lot of support to stay strong. Learn to sit and listen and say nothing, gently nodding and repeat back occasionally. The power of sitting in her pain with her, As neutrally as you can possibly can, validating her experiences, and feelings will be hugely beneficial. Hold her when she gets angry and cried, encourage to let it all out. In time, this will work wonders.

Please don’t blame yourself for this. You have done your best in difficult circumstances. You didn’t know it was going to work out like this.

Maybe they just loved their dad unconditionally?

Most adults have problems.

I always think it's bizarre when women say that their children should not love their fathers, because they father has xyz problems. Children love their dad unconditionally.

I've seen a lot of mothers who have many problems too.

@Mooshamoo

They can love them and be aware of their flaws and faults.

And unconditional love is a ridiculous notion. And an unhealthy expectation.

CAMHS is woefully underfunded in our area too but our child with SEN has been supported by a school counsellor following a change of school after a self harm incident. So that’s definitely worth trying to access.

The other thing to explore is whether your workplace has an EAP. I know my employer’s EAP also covers counselling support for family members so it would be worth at least asking the question - it’s not widely known that some of the benefits on these schemes go wider than just the employee.

I feel for your daugter as I felt the exact same as her. The trauma of a big move on a child's brain needs to understood. Especially if she has been moved away from close family members.

After my parents divorced, my mother moved us hundreds of miles away from my father and his mother (my grandmother).

It made both me and my brother have terrible mental issues. Both of us attempted suicide.

We both still have terrible mental issues as adults.

I'll never forget the shock and trauma of moving far away from everything I knew. And I'll never forget the trauma of moving away from my dad and grandmother. It causes terrible issues in a child's mentality.

If your daughter ia suicidal I really think you should move back. You said he saw the kids every couple of weeks. That is still alot more than what she is getting now.

Definitely ask the school if they have a counsellor or a pastoral support worker. In our town there is a free counselling service for teenagers and they self-refer, so maybe look around & see if there is anything similar.

Can't their DF move close to you. If he's a remotely ok dad he would. If he's a shit one, it's unlikely he will see much more of them anyway. I highly doubt that moving will resolve their problems. More regular visits during the holidays and counseling could help.