@AlienatedChildGrown
A practical response would be a more accurate representation of the picture we have been able to learn so far.
So there's no practical approach basically, because I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.
For the last thirty years (at least) the general public has received a somewhat different message about the children of separated parents. There is an understanding that the initial change in the family set up can be distressing for the children. However beyond that initial stage the message is one of children being resilient, and if one or both parents deemed family life unsustainable the children are de facto better off out of their “intact” family. That it is/was for their own good and their grief for the former life and parental bonds that they had can eased by reminding them of that.
Children are resilient and most will bounce back, plenty of data to show that, so if you don't want to accept that then don't bring data into it at all. For those who don't bounce back the outcome if the parents had stayed together is unknown, the home life could have deteriorated further if a couple choose to stay together when one wanted a divorce.
A major consideration that is never really taken into account when discussing this is the impact on the parents who stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of their kids. I've seen people do this or try to do it who have ended up massively depressed, and often with physical health problems, some end up chronically unwell which impacts the children, not only in childhood but also when they are adults, young adults often have a lot of concern about their parents, they often have to look after them at an earlier age, they often have to provide care for them taking caring time away from themselves or their own children.
That child could go down in the childhood studies stats as suffering a negative outcome due to living with a parent with chronic illness...saved from possibly being one negative statistic but then represented in another.
Where the separation has led to little to no contact with one parent there is more inclination to undervalue the child’s grief for their loss. There is more inclination from the general public to muse that the children are mourning a mirage. That parent was a waste of space and didn’t really love them anyway.
A willingness as individuals to consider if maybe that’s not the best way to help children cope is a good place to start.
I think people say that on forums and with friends etc. as a way of venting. People very rarely say it to the kids. As individuals I think most try their very best to limit the damage and help kids to cope.
My dad abandoned his first child. I didn't know about her until I was an adult. Her trauma was evident when I met her, but I personally believe the way it was handled was what made it so traumatic. I don't want to say more as it could be outing.
I grew up with him and he caused me trauma that was just as significant but for different reasons. He's just not a good person. I am no contact with him now. I didn't realise he was a 'waste of space' until my 20s and that also caused me a lot of issues.
You cannot convince parents to recognise and prioritise their children’s needs if you distract them into full-time, self-defence mode.
We tried that. It didn’t work. It made things worse.
We've also tried staying for the kids and that didn't work and made things worse.
And we've also tried the pandering to the other parent approach and that hasn't worked.
Many follow the 'expert advice' given never to badmouth the other parent no what approach, and end up having to deal with what the OP is now dealing with, she covered for him to protect the children and now that is being used against her to make her look like the bad guy.
The only groups who try to distract people into full time, self defence mode are those misogynistic 'fathers' groups, as far as I have seen.