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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've made a massive mistake and ruined my DC lives.

206 replies

fml666 · 28/08/2023 10:26

I finally left my exDH ( father to my 2 DC) 3 years ago. He was a complete cocklodger who had checked out of family life and spent all his ( considerable) spare time on his phone, messaging other women it turned out. He "worked" as a self employed gardener which amounted to cutting a couple of lawns a week at most. Refused to get a proper job. Didn't do anything at home either, except hoard, buy dogs, and make a mess.

After we split he hardly saw the children, once every couple of weeks possibly? Has never contributed financially towards them until recently when CMS calculated he needed to pay £30 a month. I was working full time and really, really struggling with after school care etc. A year after we split I made the decision to move myself and my children to live near all my family so they could support us. Unfortunately this was 350 miles away though. The children were excited about this adventure at the time. They weren't bothered about leaving their DF as they hardly saw him.

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF. My DD12 is unrecognisable. She cuts herself, has been suicidal, has done terribly at school, etc etc. She says it's because she hates living here. We have a lovely house, family nearby and they both have friends here. But they still miss their DF. Despite the fact he never ever contacts them unless I make him, and only see him if I arrange it and take them to see him.

I'm really happy here, other than worry about the DC. I have a job I love, friends and a new partner. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I can't put this right. I can't afford to move back there, and struggle like I did. But I feel my DDs life is getting worse and worse due to her seemingly being intent on making bad decisions ( seeking out troubled children, shop lifting, etc etc.)

I've only just admitted to myself today it was a mistake. I kept thinking they'd settle. But they haven't. It was the wrong thing to do for them. Can I put this right?

OP posts:
Itsnotrightbutitsok · 28/08/2023 11:00

3 years on and they are both unhappy here and want to move back to live near their DF.

I’m in a similar situation actually, my DD misses our old home (her DF isn’t involved) but she’s seeing it through rose tinted glasses.

I think many kids have anxiety and I wonder if your DD is doing the same as my DD and almost blaming it on the wrong thing.

Is your DD saying it’s because of her DF?

Perhaps you could come to an agreement where you travel up there EOW.
Maybe she just needs that commitment and she just needs to try and spend extra time with him.
She thinks that the reason she doesn’t see him is because you live far away.

She’ll soon see for herself that seeing him isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and she’ll start rather spending time with her friends.

Are you sure she’s not being bullied?

How long have you been with your new DP?

Britneyfan · 28/08/2023 11:00

My son still goes on about how he misses primary school… he’s 16! And we didn’t move lol.

PerspiringElizabeth · 28/08/2023 11:02

She May have gone the same way even if you didn’t move. Stay where you are, hang in there 💐

BoohooWoohoo · 28/08/2023 11:04

I agree that it sounds like dd thinks that distance is why she doesn't see her Dad. Moving back and still not seeing him could be even more damaging than what she's going through now 😢
I'm guessing that she can't remember how little her Dad was involved back then and is romanticising him as the solution to feeling crap. Even if you had all the money in the world, you wouldn't want to move there and move back again.

💐

Houseystuff876 · 28/08/2023 11:06

Ask your GP if there are other therapy or counselling services she can be referred to. Check if there is a school counsellor.

Here you can be referred to a therapy service that sits at an intervention level below camhs which she could access . There may be something like that available.

TiredyMcTired · 28/08/2023 11:07

There has been a lot of focus about your DD in the responses, but you said that you have 2 DC? Has your other child expressed why they are unhappy, are their reasons similar to your DD?

Therapeutic work would uncover what your DC are really unhappy about, and if you can afford to go to a private counsellor then that would help. Does your children school have any pastoral care/counselling support on offer?

I also wondered if their father may have been saying things to them? Maybe that he would see them more if they were nearby, laying a bit of a guilt trip on them?

5128gap · 28/08/2023 11:07

You need to separate the sensible decision you made to move from your DDs issues. It is beyond unlikely that her struggles have anything to do with where you live. Her relationship with her father may indeed be relevant, but that's not location based. Your DD is focusing on her fathers absence as the cause of her issues, and naively believes that if she were in closer proximity this would be resolved. As the adult, you know better and you need to hold firm to that knowledge. Accepting her view and making this about your guilt just diverts from what you need to concerntrate on, which is getting support to help DD.

TennisWithDeborah · 28/08/2023 11:08

I expect you thought that more people would advise you to move back. No one has, which is telling.

I agree with everyone else.

I think that the re-location and your daughter’s MH are two different topics. Moving back would solve nothing.

I also think that your new DP is a red herring given he doesn’t live with you and they get on fine. So don’t feel bad about that!

Livinghappy · 28/08/2023 11:11

Op, whilst you have been building a new life have you been present for your children? Not meant to make you feel guilty but have you had the time between working, moving, meeting a new partner to be there for them? Also she has transitioned to secondary school and thats often a big step.

Definitely seek private counselling, likely to have discounted rates if your income is low.

For now be there, focus on them (which may mean your partner takes a backseat). 12 is a really difficult age for girls so also involve school.
Do they have phone contact with their father?

Merryoldgoat · 28/08/2023 11:12

They were much younger when you left and no doubt shielded from the reality. They may have an idealistic nostalgic view of their younger childhood.

I agree with this.

I think maybe some family therapy as well? It might help you to be able to explain your decisions and the terrible relationship in a way they can understand.

I think I’m an effort not to ‘ruin’ the view of the NRP we avoid the truth, but it just allows an idealised view.

A way to tell the truth in a way that will allow them to accept their dad was shit without it being them at fault would be helpful I think.

FrankieStein403 · 28/08/2023 11:14

As pp said 12 is hormone hell -

It seems that being hetero is social suicide in ks2/3 these days - puts lots of stress on girls whatever their inclination?

Bullying/gangs - schoolgirls can be incredibly bitchy and/or coercive, particularly where the target is new/trying to fit in?

Family stress - wanting to please you because you're now all she has - can mean hiding real feelings about yr family, dp, her room/privacy?

Does she have/want dog, cat?

TikTok/Discord/Twitter/FB/WhatsApp etc harassment?

Boys?

squirelnutkin11 · 28/08/2023 11:15

You did the very best you could with what option you had..please lose the guilt.

Counselling is the best option for DD.

Good luck op and please remember he is the only one responsible for this...

Namechangedforthis2244 · 28/08/2023 11:15

Like pp I suspect that the angst here is a reaction to gaining adult perspective on a childhood situation.

As a young child she probably wholeheartedly believed that she didn’t see her dad because he was busy/working/upset by the split/you moved etc. Ie whatever reason she was given.

Now at 12 she can probably on one hand see that isn’t true - her dad has chosen not to see her is the unvarnished truth - but equally wants to still believe that it can all be better if you move back.

I think that I would commit to going back as a family eg twice a year for a week to catch up with people, with the dates chosen in advance and discussed with the children. Support her to contact her dad and make plans, let what happens happens and support her with the fallout as much as you are able.

Plus some good counselling.

Ihaveoflate · 28/08/2023 11:15

My parents moved us a couple of hundred miles when I was 9. It was really hard and I did go on the experience serious mental ill health in adolescence, including a suicide attempt.

Moving back wouldn't have solved the problem because that time had passed, lives had moved on. I couldn't recreate my childhood. What would have helped is recognition and validation from my parents at just how traumatic the move was for us. I didn't feel at all heard and there was no help despite being hospitalised with a overdose. It was all swept under the carpet (the '90s were ver different times!).

What I'm trying to say is, yes maybe the move did contribute to your daughter's issues and it's important to recognise that. But it's likely so much more complex. It won't be 'fixed' by moving back. You're already doing great things: listening, empathising, taking emotions seriously, seeking professional help. If my mother had done those things instead of making me the problem (probably out of defensiveness stemming from guilt) we would no doubt have a better relationship 30 years on. She made it about her, as a comment on her parenting choices, when really it was about me struggling with overwhelming emotions.

Icycloud · 28/08/2023 11:17

She isn’t doing that to herself because she misses her dad, check she isn’t talking to someone online or in real life who’s influencing her

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 28/08/2023 11:20

Ime dc retain a blinkered view of their awful df's. My ex didn't feed the dc when he had them. Frequently had no power in the home. They were left home alone. Heard such regular verbal abuse about me the oldest doesn't have a relationship with me at all.. Exh died and they all got huge very in your face DAD tattoos. Absolutely broke me tbh.

Your dc need therapy op. Don't move back. There really is no point.

cansu · 28/08/2023 11:20

It is highly unlikely that the move is the cause of your dd troubles. Who is to say that these issues would not have happened if you had stayed put? I would stop blaming yourself for what sounds like a sensible decision. Your dd should access counselling. Make it clear though that you are not moving. I am not sure bringing someone else into their lives will help.

Duckingella · 28/08/2023 11:21

Moving your children away from family and their friends wouldn't help them.

A father who wanted to see his children would make the effort even if your miles away;ditto for Your exes family.A friends ex husband lives in the US and yet he still sees his DD;she stays with him in school holidays.

Have you checked if your DD isn't secretly in touch with your ex via social media and she's been spun a bunch of lies eg "it's your mums fault I don't see you because you moved".

Cantstaystuckforever · 28/08/2023 11:23

Echoing all the others. You're the safe person to be angry with.

My eldest now blames me for making his father so angry that he smashed things in our house, and for how rough he was with them. It's in some ways harder because he has done a lot of therapy and turned things around a lot - which is great overall, but to the kids it looks like I left a loving man who sometimes gets a bit grumpy and then meditates.

I think there's a lot of good advice here, they won't thank you for demonising the man who makes up 50% of their DNA, but you can say that while you and their dad both did and do want and love them, things didn't work, their dad had his own battles to fight, and this was the least bad solution you could work with. Then maybe involve them in discussing what has changed now and what could change - not a fantasy of dad arriving like a knight in shining armour, not turning back time, but constructive and supported. Also agree on getting your GP to push CAMHS, while saving for private if you can. We had absolutely no luck or support, but believe it is possible in some areas

PlayedCatsEyeMarbles · 28/08/2023 11:29

Don’t move.
This might have happened anyway, stay where your support is
Raise the question about hormonal support for your daughter, rather than mental health support, if that’s not forthcoming. I see someone above said something similar.

beatrix1234 · 28/08/2023 11:32

Call the dad, explain him the situation and send her to him for a while. It will be a good thing for everyone. Your DD may (or may not) realise that the grass is not greener on the other side. You're overwhelmed and stressed because you're juggling too many pots on your hands, you need help, that child has a father.

Yalta · 28/08/2023 11:35

I suspect that when you have encouraged your children to spend time with their father, he has said his lack of involvement is due to you moving and taking them away from him and not that he was/is disinterested in them

I think it is hard for children to realise that an absent parent is absent because they don’t want to spend time with them.
It is a hard pill to swallow

notlucreziaborgia · 28/08/2023 11:36

The move may have been a mistake. Perhaps not for OP, but for her children. Aside from the issues with their father, they may genuinely have loved the area they lived in, and hate the new one. You see posts on here all the time about posters hating the area they live in, or regretting moving. It’s hardly unheard of.

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2023 11:36

No it wasn't mistake, you are in the right place. Even if you moved back, their father would rarely see them. Sounds like she needs private counselling. Her father abandoned her, that's what's upsetting her really.