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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

225 replies

Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:24

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

OP posts:
nolamesallowed · 19/08/2023 15:26

This will be another thread where you are expected to martyr yourself for your stepchildren.

Original poster
Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:26

Sorry that should say 3 , he just turned 3!

OP posts:
FutureThroughLensOfThePast · 19/08/2023 15:29

Surely it would be fairer to spend similar on all three (i.e. less on your stepchildren)?

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2023 15:29

if they all get along why can’t they open their presents at their DM’s house and just have a couple at yours? Although if your DH thinks piles of presents equals magic and all things Christmas I’m pretty sure he won’t be aligning himself to your values for very long.

Original poster
Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:30

nolamesallowed · 19/08/2023 15:26

This will be another thread where you are expected to martyr yourself for your stepchildren.

It’s just so tricky. I know they are used to Christmas a certain way But that’s why I thought we could still give them all that but they can get most of it at their mums so they won’t get any less. With my suggestion they would still have a main gift here and all the additional piles are from me and DH anyway, so it would be easy to say we will leave that at their mums house!

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 19/08/2023 15:31

Oh dear, I suspect this will be just the beginning of the parenting style disparity.

Theres something quite obscene about the the notion of having piles of shit to open at Christmas.

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:31

Your child is tiny. You have absolutely no idea whether you will be giving him that nintendo and spending £££ in a few years time.

I am with your partner on this, as I love the whole 'massive pile of gifts' thing, but that wears off by the time they are mid teen and just want things that cost serious money but are tiny (eg phones). So you could wait it out.
Meanwhile it's incredibly easy to spend £50 on a 3 year old and still give them a massive pile of gifts so presumably this is just a thing you don't want to do, rather than a money issue. Why not? And why does your want trump the current family tradition?

If you've got a good reason then have the courage of your convictions. You know it's best for your child so what does it matter if the others open their gifts in front of him? You can be confident in your reasons.

Greenfishy · 19/08/2023 15:32

This is difficult OP. For what it’s worth I agree with you, and I don’t want my DC growing up with piles and piles of stuff at Christmas.
However you’ve got two kids who have been used for years to getting piles of stuff and DH who doesn’t want that to stop. Are you sure he’s ok with your DC getting less? Why is it ok for him and not the other kids to get less?
I mean I guess you can only ask the mum. But if your DH isn’t sure about it I’m not sure how that would go anyway. Plus as your DC gets older he’ll realise they are getting more presents elsewhere.

I think you might have to give the older kids a bit less that your DH would like and give your DC a bit more than you would like so you meet in the middle.

takealettermsjones · 19/08/2023 15:32

I think you need to get on the same page with DH about how much you give all the kids. It's fair enough to spend less on a three year old, but it's unfair as they get older to have a massive disparity imo.

nolamesallowed · 19/08/2023 15:34

Honestly OP you will be told your child will be fine. They won't care now or ever. Than a pile of gifts is essential to 'even out' the fact that your child lives with their father full time and the other children are suffering with horrific abandonment issues from that. Do not allow your child to be a second class citizen. They deserve more.

Original poster
Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:34

FutureThroughLensOfThePast · 19/08/2023 15:29

Surely it would be fairer to spend similar on all three (i.e. less on your stepchildren)?

Well I did suggest that but DH is not for that at all. He’s has agreed to do it my way for our son.
i suggested it would be a good idea to buy them less gifts for the sake of piles, which they mostly ignore expect for the main gift, and then put some money into savings instead. He was happy for the savings idea for them as he said if all but still not to reduce the step kids gifts! As I said to make it fair then we could put savings in sons but DH thinks it’s not fair son gets money and step kids don’t!

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:35

nolamesallowed · 19/08/2023 15:34

Honestly OP you will be told your child will be fine. They won't care now or ever. Than a pile of gifts is essential to 'even out' the fact that your child lives with their father full time and the other children are suffering with horrific abandonment issues from that. Do not allow your child to be a second class citizen. They deserve more.

It's op who wants her child to get less than the others

Original poster
Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:36

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2023 15:29

if they all get along why can’t they open their presents at their DM’s house and just have a couple at yours? Although if your DH thinks piles of presents equals magic and all things Christmas I’m pretty sure he won’t be aligning himself to your values for very long.

Yes it would be good they could open most at their mums. My step kids don’t believe in Santa anymore, so it would be so easy to explain to them!

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 19/08/2023 15:37

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:31

Your child is tiny. You have absolutely no idea whether you will be giving him that nintendo and spending £££ in a few years time.

I am with your partner on this, as I love the whole 'massive pile of gifts' thing, but that wears off by the time they are mid teen and just want things that cost serious money but are tiny (eg phones). So you could wait it out.
Meanwhile it's incredibly easy to spend £50 on a 3 year old and still give them a massive pile of gifts so presumably this is just a thing you don't want to do, rather than a money issue. Why not? And why does your want trump the current family tradition?

If you've got a good reason then have the courage of your convictions. You know it's best for your child so what does it matter if the others open their gifts in front of him? You can be confident in your reasons.

This is quite obscene and grabby. How does a massive pile of gifts equal a good Christmas? They will just get loads of stuff they won't appreciate.

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:38

Ffsmakeitstop · 19/08/2023 15:37

This is quite obscene and grabby. How does a massive pile of gifts equal a good Christmas? They will just get loads of stuff they won't appreciate.

Show quote history

It's just a different approach to yours, love. Plenty of people approach xmas that way.

yogasaurus · 19/08/2023 15:38

nolamesallowed · 19/08/2023 15:34

Honestly OP you will be told your child will be fine. They won't care now or ever. Than a pile of gifts is essential to 'even out' the fact that your child lives with their father full time and the other children are suffering with horrific abandonment issues from that. Do not allow your child to be a second class citizen. They deserve more.

Absolutely.

Also, you cannot start any traditions of your own, you must do everything as DH and ex did with DSC. You aren’t allowed to make any decisions for your own child, just carry on the seamless experience for DSC

Ffsmakeitstop · 19/08/2023 15:45

@ArcticSkewer yes they do and then wonder why they grow into entitled adults who can't understand when someone eventually says no to them.

Original poster
Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:51

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:31

Your child is tiny. You have absolutely no idea whether you will be giving him that nintendo and spending £££ in a few years time.

I am with your partner on this, as I love the whole 'massive pile of gifts' thing, but that wears off by the time they are mid teen and just want things that cost serious money but are tiny (eg phones). So you could wait it out.
Meanwhile it's incredibly easy to spend £50 on a 3 year old and still give them a massive pile of gifts so presumably this is just a thing you don't want to do, rather than a money issue. Why not? And why does your want trump the current family tradition?

If you've got a good reason then have the courage of your convictions. You know it's best for your child so what does it matter if the others open their gifts in front of him? You can be confident in your reasons.

I get what you are saying but the piles used to cost much less for the others too. Instead of the piles getting smaller with moser expensive gifts, the gifts are getting more expensive but as they are smaller in size, DH wants to compensate with other gifts. So every year we spend more and more.
at the moment we are at £400 with each of the bigger kids, but that’s not everything, and they will get at their mums too. Last year one of them got and Xbox at ours, and a switch at their mums, plus piles both houses. The other got a laptop and a phone and their mums , dr martens and concert concert tickets at ours plus piles.
im just not sure how we can keep topping it!
their lists are so big.
but I thought the best compromise was to let them open the extra piles at their mums.
oh my head is so stressing about it all :(

OP posts:
LongTermLurker · 19/08/2023 15:53

Missing the point of the thread, but £400 per child?! Wow!! We're reasonably well off and spend much less than half of that on each of our teenagers (budget is usually £100-125ish). What on earth do you buy? They surely can't each get a games console/new phone etc every year?

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:55

Ffsmakeitstop · 19/08/2023 15:45

@ArcticSkewer yes they do and then wonder why they grow into entitled adults who can't understand when someone eventually says no to them.

No, that's just in your head to try to justify why your view on xmas is 'right'.

People approach it differently, that's all, it's not seen as a big moral event with implications for their entire future by everyone, just some people.

If op sees it that way too, then she must act on that with her child. Other people opening presents in front of them shouldn't impact her decision making one way or the other.

panko · 19/08/2023 15:55

Spending that amount on one child for Christmas is sickening unless it's a big once in a lifetime gift that they need eg laptop.

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 15:56

Margo87 · 19/08/2023 15:51

I get what you are saying but the piles used to cost much less for the others too. Instead of the piles getting smaller with moser expensive gifts, the gifts are getting more expensive but as they are smaller in size, DH wants to compensate with other gifts. So every year we spend more and more.
at the moment we are at £400 with each of the bigger kids, but that’s not everything, and they will get at their mums too. Last year one of them got and Xbox at ours, and a switch at their mums, plus piles both houses. The other got a laptop and a phone and their mums , dr martens and concert concert tickets at ours plus piles.
im just not sure how we can keep topping it!
their lists are so big.
but I thought the best compromise was to let them open the extra piles at their mums.
oh my head is so stressing about it all :(

Show quote history

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. If you and your husband split up down the line, would you be happy if your child opened all (or even most of) the presents from you at his place rather than at yours.

panko · 19/08/2023 15:56

If your kid queries it then tell them it's for their own good so they don't end up disgustingly spoilt

panko · 19/08/2023 15:56

Or - put the money in a savings account for your LO and feel smug when they have enough for a house deposit

ArcticSkewer · 19/08/2023 15:57

Can he actually afford it? I don't see why you should be subsidising it.