To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

I’m not sure I understand sorry (genuinely)

That is a very good point.

i buy the presents but it is important for DH to give them.
maybe a different kind of compromise would be good. Some have suggested they open Christmas Eve or the end of Christmas Day when me and son are at mass or he is in bed?
what are your thoughts on that?

That is a very good point.

i buy the presents but it is important for DH to give them.
maybe a different kind of compromise would be good. Some have suggested they open Christmas Eve or the end of Christmas Day when me and son are at mass or he is in bed?
what are your thoughts on that?

I think that's fine but it's still really off that you are buying the presents when it's so important to him to claim the glory. We shouldn't be pandering to men like that, he can and should be buying them himself.

She's also paying for all of them but has no say in any of it.

we have separate accounts but don’t really keep tabs on who spends what really.

You may not be keeping track OP but he has managed to extract all your available cash at Christmas. You really really need to work on your assertiveness. Not only being in a situation you don't like but paying for it and doing all the work to facilitate it is next level passive.

Well no not really but if I don’t he’ll be taking loans out so that affects us all so it’s better not to take loans out for it

I like your idea. Your dc won't feel the disparity so much and the older kids will still get the same amount that they are used to. I don't think you need to spend the same amount to make things fair. Older kids obviously will have more expensive gifts and at the age of 3 they won't realise how much something costs but they will look at size and quantity.

Like your dh I also enjoy the kids opening a pile of gifts but at the same time I agree that if you have too many it loses its appeal and specialness. Also, I've noticed that DD much prefers to open a couple and play immediately with them rather than open everything at the same time. By the time you are done the first thing you opened is forgotten and old.

You'll somehow have to come to an agreement with your dh regarding your son anyway as he might want him to have a pile of gifts anyway. My compromise is that I get the kids a few toys but also some utility gifts (like scissors, hair bands, stationary, clothes) but wrap it up so they've got more to open but we don't end up with so much clutter and useless toys. The kids usually enjoy the utility gifts as much as the toys.

Honestly I give up. I'm sorry @Margo87 but you're being taken for a mug. I'd be divorcing over the financial aspect of it. But you seem fine with it so go right ahead.

You’re right I do need to work on assertiveness and being too passive etc. amongst several other things. I just don’t know where to begin :/

Yeh I should take a step back really shouldn’t I.
i am struggling to figure out when I’m being unreasonable or not

Wtf. Even if the stepkids open their presents elsewhere, they’re still getting FAR more than your DS from your household. That fact won’t change just because they’re opening them somewhere else. Poor ds.
Your DH is a shit father to his youngest for not really considering him at all. And you need to give your head a big wobble for being so cool with your stepkids having £400 spent on them and your ds having a measly £40 spent on him in comparison.

I bet you’re expected to help bankroll the stepkids’ presents too aren’t you?

I just don’t know where to begin :/

OK I gave up but you asked.

Practice very simple assertiveness.

When (describe the behaviour)
I feel (use I statements and emotions)
Because (describe your core values)
Please (describe the behaviour you want, specifically)

When you want me to buy lots of presents for the step children if makes me feel sad/anxious/angry (whatever you feel). Because I believe in fairness between the children and a financially secure life. Please can we agree an affordable budget, fair to everyone (including me) and which we can maintain?

And whenever he deviates, say, "we agreed this DH".

You also need to see everyone's accounts, work out how you are organising them so that he actually has to make the hard choices with HIS money, not yours. Spreadsheets, online budgeting, whatever works. You shouldn't be paying all of the costs.Fair means you pay 1/5 of the Christmas presents. You currently pay all of it.

£400 per child is insanity, and they get the same at their mum's? I have 3 SC and we spend £100 ish each and they are always grateful. I think you have dug yourself a big hole and you need to scale back big time.

So to be clear:

He wants loads of presents for his older kids.
He cannot afford this so either you get them and pay for them or he gets a loan.
You don't want the loan do you buy everything and pay for it all yourself.
This means you can't afford to buy as much for your own child.

So not only do your stepchildren have 2 people spending thousands on them, your child only had one person buying them presents and that person can't afford to spend much BECAUSE they are spending even more money on the the people who already have loads of presents?

And you are happy for this to continue because you don't know how to say no? You can't just sya you're not doing it because it's not fair and then just not do it?

This is absolutely insane and I can't believe how unfair both of you are being to your child.

oh thank you so much this is such good advice.
this really helps a lot thanks

Yes I see when you put it like that I feel a bit ashamed :/
but you are right

I need to give my head more than a wobble!
im no better really

I mean that it comes across as though you’re happy with the difference and just posted on here for people to back you up. You’ve not really given a definitive reason as to why the children can’t be treated equally

The obvious reason is that she doesn't have 1200 quid to spend on presents and her DH doesn't spend his money on any of his children's presents.

Oh my goodness this gets worse. YOU buy the presents because if you don’t your financially irresponsible husband will just take loans out to spend lots of money on his older kids only for presents they don’t even want and aren’t what they asked for? Which leaves you too skint to afford the equivalent for your child together? Your child only has one advocate in this relationship op, they need you. And you need to stop enabling your husbands ego at the expense of financial stability and your child.
‘l can’t stop you taking loans out to buy presents your children don’t want, but if you begin putting us into debt I will have ti reconsider our relationship.’

OP, I get where you are coming from. I like to try to keep a rein on what my children get, for many reasons.

1. All the toys in the world mean fuck all if your home is therefore a cluttered nightmare, and Mum is too stressed out to play.
2. I want my children to see magic in fewer special treats, not become desensitised and bored.
3. Their financial security in the long term is my number 1 priority.

Having said that, your childs Christmas beside his siblings sounds miserable, and you don't get any of the advantages I listed either. You are shackled to a foolish, shallow man who is taking advantage of you to your childs detriment.
There must be a very good reason you've not cut him loose already. Is there?

At 3 he won't notice or care.

@MrsTerryPratchett
Then the obvious thing to do is spend less money on the DSC…alternatively say “they’re all getting 10 presents each” without the monetary value mattering given the age difference.

I cannot believe the level of almost affluenza surround Christmas on MN, it makes me feel uncomfortable tbh

OP is your DH feeling guilty about his relationship with his kids, and overcompensating at xmas time? It’s insane to me that he won’t entertain the very fair compromise of putting the equivalent in savings for your DS. (I also think £400 on a main present and then hundreds more on ‘piles’ is mad and unnecessary but understand people do things differently…)
But honestly they can’t keep getting piles and piles of presents forever, you said they’re already asking for money. As I said is your husband overcompensating. Or trying to hold on to the ‘magic’ from when his older kids were young. In any case the compromise of opening some while your DS is not around seems fair for this year. But it’s not really about that is it. It’s about the disparity between children going forward. You seem very kind and supportive, make sure you stand up for what you/your son deserve too.

Misses point of thread but for the people who are shocked at £400 per older child please can you tell me where you are shopping?!? I was approx £350 for one 8 year old this year and that was with trying to go second hand (eBay, vinted, etc) wherever possible! Wouldn’t say she’s got massive piles of stuff either! Everything has just got more expensive!

Where the older kids open their very expensive presents is the least of your worries.
You spend YOUR cash on the presents and if you don't he'll get loans 😧

Maybe your new years resolution should be "stop being a
doormat "