To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

Sent the same on all 3 children! Why would you allow your child to grow up feeling inadequate to the step children.

Counting out an additional (to the £400 main gifts!!) sounds very Dudley Dursley... Why would anyone want this for their child?

Children talk, even if your DH agreed to do the rest of the pile at their mums place, it's likely as they get older your DS would find out and it being hidden will feel even worse. I know my DC would ask why gifts from their Dad and Step mum were at my house rather than their Dad's, especially given they've never had it be that way before.

I think it's quite mean to change your step children's Christmas after so many years. I wouldn't worry too much, before long they'll be adults and presents and Christmas will look different again. Your little one won't notice just yet. I have to say though that a stocking with a toothbrush, book and other thing seems a bit on the sparse side. I do give fancy or novelty versions of everyday items in stocking but tend to jazz them up a little more with some extra bits. Not necessarily really expensive but something to make it all look a bit more exciting.

I couldn't think of anything worse than a pile of gifts from two households. My ex used to grab something from Tesco for my two Christmas eve. Why can't the main gift be split between the two households? Putting some into a savings account is a better idea. Then if he needs anything like a skiing holiday with school the money is there.

I think it's quite mean to change your step children's Christmas after so many years

I think this is a red herring. Their Christmas is already changing, like it does for most teens - they are asking for smaller, more expensive gifts. In most families, that goes along with having less presents, and this is explained to the children and they gain and understanding of the value of things. The problem is that he is choosing not to do that part of the natural changes that are happening, and is just continuing to up the budget so they never have less, even though the items are getting more and more expensive.

It's natural for gifts to get fewer as they get more expensive.

Sorry to recap.

He wants them to have piles of presents.
He wants to spend approaching a grand on it.
He wants to surprise them and get what they want.
He also wants savings and surprises on top of what they want.
He wants to watch them.

But,

He doesn't have the money, time, inclination or skill to facilitate this so you do it all.

It's utter madness that you participate in this. 'Honey, I don't agree with the ever-increasing piles of crap they don't want and need so I'm not doing this any more. Let's agree a budget in advance, I'll pay for half of our child's and you pay for both of yours. I'm happy to shop for them a bit as we go but you need to help.' I can't fathom why you are doing all the work AND paying for something you fundamentally disagree with. It's very very strange.

I'd probably do more on board with piles for DD if someone else paid for, bought and I'm assuming wrapped, all of them for me.

Sorry what??! You shop for and pay for your step children gifts each year, £400 each for their main gift, plus 20-30 smaller gifts at additional cost? But last year you couldn't afford to buy your own son a new balance bike and had to buy second hand? Your husband refuses to cut down on the amount of gifts for your step children, but is fine for your son to have much less to open. Do I have this correct?

Unbelievable. The issue is your husband. How do your finances work? Do you share one account or keep them separate? Can he actually afford to spend thousands on his children for Christmas? Can you????????

I can undertand spending less on a 3 year old than a 13 year old, as toddler toys can be alot cheaper and they aren't as aware at that age, and your son probably won't even notice at this age, but your husband seems pretty unbelievable to be honest.

Yeh I do wonder if the age gap will help things a bit.
ok I know the toothbrush thing seems lame but like you everyone in the family gets toiletries in their stocking and there always a bit nicer than the day to day ones so toothbrush is always a fun theme 😆 and usually some fun socks too lol
son was only just 2 last year so the stocking felt ok and the items took up quite a bit of space! But as you say he doesn’t really notice just yet.

the second hand bike was like new so it was fine and he was 2 so I’m ok with that.
but yes moving forward i am stating to worry how we can afford it all unless something changes. But I guess there’s a couple separate issues in our situations.
we have separate accounts but don’t really keep tabs on who spends what really.
I think we need to discuss and plan it all better.

Yes that’s pretty much the gist of it.
I do tend to go along with things I don’t agree with, I don’t like to upset/annoy anyone so all I can do is ask to do things differently but I guess I don’t really know why I am like that 🤷🏻‍♀️
but I guess there’s nothing wrong with the way either of us wants to do things, but we just haven’t figured out a compromise

Yes that does happen. DH worries it doesn’t look like much and wants to keep getting things to make it look like more even if it’s already cost alot.
they get disappointed with a lot of the medium and smaller gifts but I think they would be happy with money/gift cards etc and we could be creative how we wrap them up!

If the big kids are getting more save them for dinner after little one is in bed?
I would be included to put the cash difference into an isa for my own son - eg if the step kids get £250 of pressies and yours gets £50, put £200 in a junior isa for him. Same with birthdays. He will hugely thank you when he is 18 and can find a gap year/ uni/ his first car etc.

Yes

£400 isn't a massive pile of gifts for teens and pre teens. £400 gets you very little, the OPs 'massive' pile of gifts is just bigger than the £40 worth.

What a load of bollocks.

I don't agree it's fair to do what your DH suggested and do equal savings but extra gifts for step kids. Each child has same budget eg £400 and for step kids that can be £399 and £1 savings if that's what your DH wants (although I'd consult them too to make sure they understand) and for your son £50 gifts and £350 savings - make it Crystal clear to big kids that's what they're choosing so they don't complain later and if they do then sorry but their little brother has a more sensible mum than they do

You could spend £100 on your son and the normal amount on your steps but just make sure that your DS thinks that his pile looks as big as his siblings? Really he won't know the cost so that seems reasonable?

You've hit the nail on the head, you're from well off backgrounds.

To most working class families in my circle £400 each per child at Xmas is not a lot. Definitely at the lower end of the scale.

My sister and her DH spend around £1000 per child. Her DH comes from a very WC background and us lower middle class. Their household income is roughly £60,000. I would say this is more typical in my circles than less than £400.

My DD is only 1 we don't spend that much but it'll definitely be £400 by the time shes a little older, although I wouldn't spend as much as my sister, I think she's made the mistake of always trying to out do herself but her children definitely aren't spoilt or entitled as her DH is very very thrifty throughout the whole year, Xmas is a big splurge.

Used to Christmas a certain way and the reason because of the parents. Now our 4 are happy to get what they get no matter the price big or small older or younger doesn't matter as to them a present is a present. What a shame you've made life difficult for yourself by having high price expectations in your kids when it should be there happy with literally anything they get

Totally agree with this post.

No, You can't decide that your DH can't celebrate Christmas with his kids or buy them gifts or watch them open gifts because your personal position is that kids shouldn't receive gifts at Christmas (or only one gift).

As your child gets older he is going to want more than a pair of pyjamas for Christmas too or for his birthday. The idea that you will never buy him anything isn't going to pan out over time. Your DH may not buy his kids much during the year and then give them a big pile at Christmas as is their tradition. Your shared child is also DHs child so you don't get to decide it will all be your way.

Given there is already an established pattern of gift giving in this family, before your arrival, you don't get to decide to stop it or to control or change how your DH celebrates Christmas with his kids. You can talk to him about a middle ground and compromise for your shared child.

Teens often get phones or concert tickets or laptops or video game systems at Christmas. That is completley normal. Of course on this thread no one will ever have bought their child any expensive gift in order to back you up, but that isn't reality.

I think to be fair going forward (because one day your own dc will notice the difference) is to say you have £600 or whatever to spend on Christmas and it gets split between the three children.
It's weird that your DH is fine with your shared child getting less.
If you don't want your little one having piles of presents then whatever doesn't get spent on him could go into a savings account.

It is very common in families with mutiple kids to spend less on the little ones as their needs are different and what they enjoy is much cheaper.

I would never spend the same on a 2 year old as I do on the 12 year old.

There’s not much point in replying. It’s just coming across I now ar though OP wants posters to help justify the difference between children.

It’s sad tbh.