To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

They actually ask for money, but DH is says he is not ready to give them money yet, he wants them to have the gifts to open.

I think your main problem here is that your husband seems so unable or unwilling to compromise .
The best thing imo is to set an equal budget for each child and divide it into gifts or savings . Even let the children decide as they are getting older . It won't be too long before SC are of an age to drive and I bet savings for a first car would be attractive.
I agree with others in that £400 sounds a lot but it really doesn't stretch far these days . I certainly wouldn't be buying random plastics to make up numbers of packages to open.
In my family if the budget was £400 per child then £200 would be savings , £200 gifts and we could decide them . FC then did a stocking and that's where a few surprises came .

£400 on their main gifts, plus medium, smaller and stocking (which will add up to loads).
your list sounds like stuff they would actually appreciate and use though!
we end up having to think of lots of extra stuff to add to the pile which ends up being stuff they don’t really look at and it would be better to spend the same amount on decent stuff rather than lots of stuff they are not interested in. So it’s not so much the cost really.
but it’s just trying to find compromise somewhere when DH has agreed to do it differently for our son but we haven’t figured out how that looks yet

The issue is your DH. He wants it all ways.

What's wrong with levelling it up with savings? Answer: Nothing. He's ridiculous.

in a few years your DC will ask for certain things like switch, PlayStation etc .. they talk to friends at school and want what their peers have .. When my Dd was little we’d spend same on her as the dscs but pop the difference for her in savings as toddlers do not need £500 worth of toys...I’d spend £50/100 save rest. I think as your child Gets older it will be very hard to justify why you spend more on the other two, and there will be questions asked from your dc about this unless you lie and say they all from mum.. obviously they get more anyway as have gifts from mum and that’s fine but I feel you are a family and all children should be treated equally.. we have a set amount each for Xmas.. DSC are older and may get one expensive thing and a few little extras.. younger will have huge piles as toys bigger and cheaper.. all understand they have same spent on them just certain things cost more they are not bothered by who has biggest pile of presents. If moneys an issue I’d start reducing amount DSDs get gradually now so by the time dc old enough to understand they all be at a level you happy with otherwise you will have to explain to your DC why he gets less from you than his half siblings that could be a difficult convo to have as at 7 he really will not be interested in you wanting to do it “ your way “ when his siblings and friends all get things they want for Xmas.

We had a conversation a few years back about reducing it gradually, but it seems to be increasing.
I do feel it’s better to spend alot on things they will like and use rather than buying stuff for the sake of piles. So yes things like a games console and accessories adds up but that would all get used a lot.
they are mostly into tech.
DH likes to add arts and crafts, board games and random things they are not into because he doesn’t like to follow a theme and likes to surprise them.
I know that one day son will want something like and xbox and I wouldn’t want him expecting lots of extras on top of something like that.
I think we send a mixed message to the bigger kids. Every year they are told they are not getting much because they are getting a big ticket item but then they do get loads so I think it’s confusing. I think we all have different ideas on what loads is.

Well that’s true!

Yeh that could work!
I guess it’s something that may keep evolving 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not completely. Was just wondering about them opening most of the gifts at their mums as a compromise so they could still get what they are used to.
but I understand DH doesn’t want that either.

DH has agreeed to do it differently with our son as it does frustrate him so much goes unappreciated and that’s not the kids fault at all.
£400 will be their main gifts this year but then we need to think of a bunch of medium and smaller gifts, that usually ends up being an additional 20-30 items (same for both of them so we count an add to make the piles the same) and then a stocking. A lot of those gifts they are not so into and I do feel it would be better giving them the same value in another big gift they would love or extra money. but DH likes the element of surpirse and we don’t always get it right.
I can’t change that, that’s not for me to change.
but I guess our issue is that DH has agreed we will do it differently for son but we haven’t figured out how to do that while honouring what the older kids are used to.

Wow. I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to spoil his kids that much and wouldn't compromise - I could not raise my kids with expectations that high and I couldn't let them watch their siblings get that much whilst they have so much less, either.

I sure as hell wouldn't be willing to contribute towards £800 out of my/joint money, either! If my DH insisted on spending that much I would firmly expect it to come out of his wages.

it initially started a while back when DH couldn’t afford Christmas for the kids and it was upsetting for him and I offered. It was fun then because the kids loved everything. Easier to surprise younger kids like that!
now they are older the guessing what to get them is harder because we are always stressing that they might not like the gifts, then swapping them between the piles etc. DH gets so stressed he can’t even think to shop and leaves it too last minute, so I do it for him otherwise they will end up with nothing. And while I may not agree with the way we do it, I’m not going to change it on my own accord.

Ask you SC to write a list of the gifts they got last year - as a memory game - and see what they remember.
What did you get OP?

They will remembered the big gifts!
I got a willow tree ornament from the kids (i love these figurines!), a watch from Santa, and a charm from DH. :)
And a stocking (chocolate/toiletries)
Perfume from my godson :)

He's 3. Stop trying to micromanage everything.

@DragonFly98
£250 on an advent calendar?!

It’s crazy people spend so much on their children “because they can”. I think you’re setting them up to fail when they won’t necessarily be able to maintain that lifestyle when they’re adults, have their own kids, etc

Missed the part where you said you were the one doing it. Frankly OP, you're being a mug. Your partner is allowed to flap and fuss to a ridiculous extent about whether he has spoilt his children enough, then not even bother to actually do it. A perfect blend of Disney Dad and the classic, deliberate incompetence that allows fathers to not actually do anything. Very easy to appear to be someone deeply concerned about giving your kids the very best of the best when you can delegate the action of actually doing it to somebody else.

If he's so bothered about them having all that, he should at the very least pull his finger out and do it himself.

I u d'état and you have different values and ways of doing gifts- but he likes to give his kids heaps of presents, and participate in the excitement of watching them open them, and you don't. To ask him to drop off gifts he's bought at their mums house, and not get that experience, is a bit shit. How about you take your son out Christmas Eve for a few hours, if they are with you, and he gets to enjoy seeing his kids, open their gifts, with the person who bought them? That strikes me as a much more reasonable compromise

We do two Christmas days due to the way it's worked out and for the second day I match the presents but with little Poundland things or essentials like hair bobbles etc. can you do that?

I was in a similar situation 3 years ago - my ex partner had 3young sons and would buy huge, huge piles of stuff - it wasn't what I normally did so I made my son's stuff look a bit more by buying some larger sized items like a cuddle cushion and fluffy onesie. It still looked smaller than theirs but now he's a young teen he really appreciates his 5/6 gifts under the tree plus a stocking of toiletries, chocs etc. My ex's kids would just rip everything open and then it all ended up shoved in cupboards within days and none of it looked at again. Our styles were so different about lot's of things (food too) that we separated.
I think you just have to play it by ear - quality rather then quantity in our house!

I think that's absolutely fine. Let him flap and fuck it up and face the consequences of his own actions. Maybe he'll learn to plan ahead, the value of money (& his time) or maybe he won't.

FWIW I do know what you mean because I used to buy my niece's birthday and Christmas presents. I liked shopping and roughly knew what she liked and got some bargains months ahead. Then his sister had another child... and another... and another and suddenly I was overwhelmed trying to shop for 4 kids and constantly chasing him for the money.

So one day I calmly sat down with him and said I've been buying the gifts for a while now but it's a lot to take on and I'd like to give the job back to him and we agreed that going forward I will sort my own family's gifts and cards and he will do his.

And yes he always leaves it to the last minute and upsets his sister but I've had to take a real step back mentally. It's actually really good for our relationship that I'm not taking that stress on to myself.

WRT presents, I note that you're trying really hard to find a compromise and he's simply not budging. This is very unpleasant but again, I think you need to disengage and take a step back. Ask him what he thinks you as a family should do about the presents given that you're actually running out of cash for your own child. Make it his problem to solve, perhaps he'll be a bit more open to a compromise if he's having to actually engage his brain instead of just pooh-poohing your ideas.

You need to stop buying the SC presents to facilitate OH buying tons more than you want to and leaving you without enough to spend/save same for your child. In your position I would agree a budget for Christmas/birthdays/activities/savings that is what you can afford across the year. Divide that across the kids and that’s what you can spend. We have a budget that covers fairly expensive birthday parties & a small gift, dance, drama, sports & art classes, whatever we spend on Halloween/Easter stuff and associated equipments and Christmas gifts & activities.

It is very easy to spend a lot on the activities side as well as gifts but having a set amount you feel is reasonable across those things is helpful to consider what’s sensible/affordable.

Yes completely understand your frustration about the extras, I do all the Xmas shopping so can stick to the “budget” I probably spend £20 each on little extras like bath stuff and chocolates but like you I think it’s good for them to learn early on that it’s either a huge pile of cheaper items or one or two more expensive ones and that’s it. I’d try and explain to your Dh that whilst it seems a bit odd with them just having 2 or 3 presents instead of a huge pile it’s teaching them that if you want an expensive present then that Is all you’ll get, we do £500 each at Xmas which is quite a lot i think, but they all seem to understand value of money and actually check their lists come in on budget and are fully aware they get nothing else .. my DSD wanted a pair of £350 trainers one year .. obviously we buy her trainers (but not £350 ones) so she put them on her Xmas list and was happy with them and her very small pile of other bits. Maybe he feels like they’d be disappointed if there wasn’t loads suppose he could buy clothes, pjs and bits he’d buy anyway that you know will be used and wrap them up for them but as they get older I don’t think they expect huge piles of presents anyway. Fully agree with you though he needs to reign it in a bit.

i buy the gifts but it is more important to DH ti hand then over.

mans Yes that is a good idea! A pp suggested they open in the evening after son goes to bed.

but the years we have them on Christmas Eve I think your suggestion is a great idea.

I go to Christmas Eve mass anyway and I’ll take my son (Already take him to church every Sunday ). Haven’t taken him to Christmas Eve mass yet because he’s always been asleep but this year it will be at 8 and I think he can make it!

Yes I think we do need to learn to budget like that.
it was easier to buy ahead in sales when the kids were younger and liked everything. But they change their minds too frequently now as growing kids do. One year one of the kids was obsessed with marvel so we got loads of marvel stuff then less than a month later complained we never got anything Star Wars when that was now his favourite. Hence partly the reason that DH doesn’t want to just get what they for, and so likes to surprise them with other things too

@Margo87 - that sounds like a great idea! They have a couple of hours to do it their way, and you keep back a similar amount for you all to open together christmas- that way neither of you has to change how you do it!