To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

Yanbu OP, £400 per child every Christmas is bonkers. And both dh and I are from well off families.

Sure, an xbox can be nearly that amount, but 1. xboxes are for the whole family to share, like a TV, and 2. They last a lot longer than a year!

I (almost) understand wanting a large pile of gifts visually but we achieve that by including gifts from relatives, clearly labelled. So it looks like everyone is receiving a big pile of presents but that's because it's one from each aunt, grandparent etc.

Also the extra gifts in the pile can be £5-10 gifts eg a pretty hair accessory or whatever.

Just can't work out how this would add up to £400, I really can't.

I splashed out on dh this year for his birthday because he's been working so hard and I wanted to give him a "pile" of gifts... got a Levi's shirt, a cool mug, nice cookbook he wanted, fancy face lotion but mini sized... all came to about £150 and I thought I was being over the top! How can a teen need more than that (on top of gifts from other relatives?!)

I'd suggest no gifts one year and get your step children and yourselves to go and volunteer your time working with the homeless or something on Christmas day, and spend the money on handing out some happiness to people who have very little.

Or put the money aside in savings to pay for things they need when they're older that are much more expensive!

I can't stand the whole "piles of presents" thing. It's already been shown that kids who get fewer presents appreciate them a lot more. My kids get a gift (about £60) then a stocking each. They then get some gifts from grandparents. We have a fab Christmas together.

Ask kids who got piles of presents as a child totalling £1000s whether they'd now rather have had fewer presents and been given the money when they were 18, and I bet most would have chosen the money and had just one gift!

Ah yes I can see how a Lego fan would get through an big budget! There can't be that many Lego afficionados though?!

Clever thinking

well part of it is, they want to surprise them with lots they haven’t asked for too. And yes many of those end up wrong! Soemtimes DH will not get something off the list and get something else instead…???
im the one who buys all the gifts this end and when I put the piles for DH to look at before wrapping, he will usually say that pile doesn’t have enough etc etc and then we have to think of more to get.

Why are you using so much on the older kids? Just don't give them that many.

£400 isn’t piles of gifts if they’re into electronics. I think all parents I know spend more now kids are teens, gifts for 3 year olds are much cheaper and they’re just as pleased with them. Although personally I think a toothbrush is not something that should go in a stocking! You’ve chosen not to spend money on your 3 year old, I’m not sure that should dictate what your husband spends on the other kids. Maybe just put the rest of that money into savings for him? Is this really your sons issue (ime a just turned 3 year old really won’t notice as long as they get whatever item they asked santa for) or yours?

I think that I'd probably choose one thing as my hill to die on on this, and for me that would be an equal amount spent. It doesn't matter how it's distributed - either on gifts or into savings, but otherwise there's a big financial disparity and it's like your own child is being left behind - notwithstanding the fact that your step children also have silly money spent on them at their mum's.

That's how we organise things with our own DC/DSS. Everyone gets a budget, and they can write a list with a gold plated unicorn on it but unless it fits within the budget it's not happening. DSS particularly wanted a pair of (very very expensive 🙄) trainers last year, and that's what he got. That's ALL he got from us (but obviously there were wider family gifts and Father Christmas came, it's not like he sat and watched us opening presents while he had nothing!). He understood that was his choice and was happy with it.

I agree this is a great idea and thought it’s something I could explain to my son when he is older. I suggested that and DH was against that idea as he thinks it’s only fair we add to all their savings equally while still giving extra gifts to step kids.
But I think I’m going to do it anyway.
if he wants to put in savings for his other kids then of course he can do that

Why are you buying their gifts? Just let him do it!

I think I would be looking to lower the amount you spend on step kids. Say £250 to £300. And to be honest it's not the amount that's the issue but the visual amount. In a year or 2 you will need to spend thousands if he still wants them to have piles as their wants will change and they will be smaller sized gifts but more expensive. So you need to decide a budget. Explain to the older ones that it might look less but actually the cost is high. They ARE old enough to understand. I would say this whether you shared a DC or not

All kids should have the same amount spent. If step kids get less, then sobeit.

I think it's grossly unfair the older two get the Lions share of gifts. If they were all your children you'd be spending the same amount on each. Or even 300 each on the older and 240 on the young one. That seems a more even split.

You can't treat your son differently. For littlies some of the magic is a big pile of presents. That doesn't have to cost anything like £400 though. The older kids' presents will get far smaller soon.

I feel he is favouring the older two

400 on older kids, I can't imagine thats a big pile.

You've only got about four more Christmases with your son before the magic is over.

I have to admit when I read he got a second hand balance bike, a bath toy and a toothbrush I thought it sounded a bit miserable, sorry.

Oh that’s a good compromise! Then they get that extra older kid time with dad too!

It’s possible that by the time your child is old enough to be aware of what others are getting they’ll be getting less because, IME, they want more expensive things so there’s naturally fewer.

I think most of us have been guilty of buying crap for the sake of it at Christmas. The older two are at the age now when they don't need that. Explain to your DH how wasteful it is. I do regret buying half of it.

i really couldn’t afford much more after spending on the older kids.

the bike was second hand but barely used so still looked new. He’s was only 2 so I think it’s fine. Toothbrushes and toiletries in stockings are always fun themes :)
£400 is this end only, but that’s not everything yet… there are still a few months to go!
but we do have extended family both sides so there are other gifts to open.
I get that we all do Christmas different, and there’s nothing wrong with how anyone does it. I get that DH doesn’t want to change things for the older kids, even though he has agreed to do it different for our son, and I want to do it differently for our son, even though I did it their way for years. It’s not easy to change things. It’s just hard figuring out the best way for everyone.. we both want the best for all the kids

I honestly think it would be great if both houses gave them less gifts, but put the difference in savings instead. They could have so much money to leave home with!

But that’s not up to me of course!

I didn’t spend equal amount on my own kids when they were preschool age because at that age they literally don’t care and don’t need it. They’re perfectly happy with a second hand balance bike! I doubt when your kid is a teen you’ll be spending the same amount on his adult children? At some point your kid will want expensive gifts or you’ll want to get them a trampoline or swing set but don’t do it for the sake of it

The quantity is not changing, even though the gifts are more expensive.
but DH finds it hard not to choose them extra surprises. He likes it doubles in surprises really

Often with non resident parents they try and subconsciously outdo the other parent or want to make up for the fact that they see some of their kids much less than others.