To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

@ArcticSkewer

just realised I did not answer everything.

I don’t want to trump the current family tradition. I was trying to find compromise (which we actually discussed years ago). So trying to do it in a way they still get loads.
and you’re right it’s not just about the money, but I’ve seen as my step kids want more expensive things, they still expect the same in quantity.
the majority of the gifts they look at once and then toss to the side. They are actually really only interested in their main gift.
i want my son to grow up appreciating more than just gifts. So yes it is not just about money. But it also means if he does want something more expensive, he will not expect piles on top of it if that makes sense

I think you need to find a happy medium , which shouldn’t be hard as as they get older they generally get fewer but more expensive gifts . I think a couple of gifts and a stocking is a bit Scrooge like . You need to agree that the budget is x per child and that is it .

Well your husband wants to see his children opening their presents from him so he is NBU on that front. And he is presumably happy to offer the same experience to your shared child, it's your decision that doesn't happen.

Personally Christmases are a big deal in our family, I enjoy buying a lot of gifts for our DC (not piles of 'shit' though ) so I understand his PoV. I wouldn't be happy about turning into one of those families who uses that bloody awful MN rhyme or something. But perhaps you can meet in the middle somewhere.

People get really offended about how others do Christmas though, like spending X amount on a child will automatically make them spoilt or it's a waste of money or whatever. It's odd.

Yes but they get so much I suggested to put some in sons savings rather than extra gifts but DH doesn’t want that. He says they all get savings then, but doesn’t want to spend less on the step kids gifts so it would just end up costing even more

I was an only child with separated parents in a family with very few children, so I had two sides buying me loads of stuff every Christmas. I didn't grow up spoiled or entitled because it takes more than one day a year to make a child spoiled.

its not my style but it is this kind of thing that drives a wedge, backyard you are so far apart on what’s right/fair.

how about a limit per child- £400/each and then what isn’t spent of gifts will go into savings and when you’re youngest goes off to buy a car or have a gap year they have nice little pot and the others….don’t.

such a disparity in approaches is a worry though. I am from a WC background and piles of presents is juts the culture IMO. My far more established MC husband thinks one main present from us, one medium present from FC and a stocking. We have definitely met in the middle but I do try and rein it in as I can over buy
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I am all for less consulting etc but I think this is really unfair. The two step children already existed when you got pregnant and their lives were already established. They have expectations and you are expecting them to bend to your willl to suit you. Not your child. YOU. Your child could very well end up with the Nintendo and gaming of when they are older, and I hope they do because I other wise they will feel nothing but bitterness towards you for the disparity between the "have everythings" ( siblings) and the "have a second hand bike, a tooth brush and a massive empty space".

Children don't understand why their step siblings get so much more/less than them and it can create a lifetime of misery. Trust me I know first hand . My grand mother gave my sister and I all sorts of gifts, day trips and holidays as children but my half sister was a lot younger and got nothing as Nan had died by then. It really hurts her that she missed out and my mother couldn't be bothered to put any effort in to make up for it. She doesn't see that my mum was working and broke. She sees it as an injustice. Why on Earth would you set your kid up for this or even ask your elder step kids to change?

OK, I know people spend a lot on Christmas but 400 per child😵! And does their mum spend a similar amount? Has anyone bought them cloth-of-gold socks yet? If not, that might be an idea for future Christmases.

Personally, I think you should just make the best of the situation you're in and bulk up your DC's pile with fun, cheap gifts. Those colour-in play castles are huge, or you could just wrap a massive box full of balloons. The things small children like aren't usually expensive. And later, when your DC can understand more, you can have a chat with them about the true meaning of Christmas (rampant commercialism 😉).

I’m not against the way DH does it so I get what you are saying. But yes I’m trying to find a happy medium. I think it is he’s for either of to do it differently from how either of us did.
I am religious so even though Santa came, we also had the other side of it. I go to church but I keep that separate from DH and kids so we don’t have a religious Christmas or anything like that. But I guess growing up I still felt the magic of Christmas without so many presents. (Ie the family meal, playing games etc etc)

With there being a pretty big age gap between a step kids and your little one, why don’t they open some together and then open ‘extra’ in the evening with you, once little one is in bed? Dad gets to see them open the gifts he’s bought, but little one doesn’t see the disparity?

This! My parents were together but I grew up poor. When possible, my mum spent the entire year saving so that I could have a pile of presents. It would include small things and even some essentials like clothes, toiletries, stationery etc... things that another family might not think twice about just buying as needed through the year. It wasn't obscene and I didn't grow up spoilt or entitled.

You need to stop increasing the step kids pile value - and probably go back to the cost a few years ago.
Yes, your DS is likely to get more expensive as time goes on, but if the older 2 keep get more-more expensive, the gap increases.

We are in the small number of gifts type Christmas (with a small extended family). The kids get a stocking, and less than half a dozen presents. Christmas is still magical. But i'd imagine going from a "piles if gifts magical xmas" to a smaller set would be disappointing. imo, you'll need to start bringing the two sets of expectations together over the next few years.

Mine collects Lego. He gets several new sets each Christmas, they are a fortune. For example the year before last one of the sets was Lego Titanic. It was close to £600. He displays them all and will, eventually, sell them on!

I’m not expecting my step children to bend to my will. I was suggesting we still give them everything but hand it over to their mums to open most of it there so they would still get everything they ask for. That is the only compromise I’m asking for. Everything else about the day goes by what suits them. I thought it might be as ok compromise especially as they are getting older.

I am doing this for my child also, I see my step kids get disappointed with so many of their gifts, I have seen them chuck them across the room in frustration. I don’t want my child to be disappointed. I want him to appreciate as life will be so much easier for him if he is grateful and not always wanting more.
btw I don’t think every child who gets loads doesn’t appreciate, this is just our situation though

If they’re all opening presents at your house then they should all be treated the same. Why would you spend so much on two and not the other? I don’t understand.

We do it that whoever has DSC on Christmas morning does the stocking, DH and I do a present for them from us.

This does mean DSC get more if at their mum’s because she goes mad with gifts but our DC aren’t really away - that may change as they all get older.

People hate it but, because my kids are young, we do that 4 rules of gifting so we don’t just end up with loads of lumps of plastic plus it helps us budget.

I suppose it’s harder if DSC do EOY at each house as they’ll have expectations but they need to managed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh behave. You know a play station 5 and a decent game is £500 ish ? A decent pair of trainers £60-140? A branded make up pallet. £20-50? Perfume £25-60?

My daughter is just turned 15. If I buy her one medium morphe eye shadow palette, a foundation and mascara that's £60. 3 paper back books £20. A perfume £20. That's £100. I COULD just buy her that but instead I'll also buy her the more expensive trainers she wants ( actually needs trainers at that point). That's £95. A nice skin care set £25. Some art supplies for school £30. Have you seen the price of vinyl records? I'll buy her one or two off her wish list so that's £50. That's £300 and can hardly be classed as frivolous or wasteful. .

I can understand your concerns if your SC respond to an unwanted gift by chucking it across the room. Completely unacceptable behaviour... don't they get pulled up on it?

Separately, do their mum and dad often get it wrong. I can understand the occasional damp squib, but they must have a reasonably good idea of what will be a hit with the kids.

Well yes I did say to DH i felt it’s better so spend more on a decent gift than on lots of stuff they won’t look at. So it’s not so much the cost in itself.
i love lego lol.

As your little one ages so will his siblings, more than likely they'd rather have cash and small gifts in their late teens, so any disparagy will not be so obvious.

I’ve just read some of your replies, your DH sounds like a prick to be honest…why is he penalising your DC.

Your DC still believes in Father Christmas, they should be the one your making a massive effort for rather than spoiling two teenagers rotten.

I personally feel that £400 is ridiculous anyway, plus they get stuff at their mums.

Well, you are not wrong in not wanting your DC to think a huge pile of gifts is necessary - but I really do not think that you can insist on him getting less if your DSC are getting loads and loads.

I also understand DH wanting to see his children opening all their presents. But if you can't persuade him that it should be the same amount spent of ALL 3 children, regardless of the number of presents, then there needs to be compromise somewhere else. Not this year - your own son won't know the difference this year - but probably next year onwards

As others have said - maybe some can be hidden until your own child is in bed - or your DH goes over to their Mum's house to see them opening most of the presents there?

I really don’t understand why you can’t treat the kids equally and why everyone thinks it’s okay not to!

If he's going to see piles of gifts anyway, then I think you should let your DH give him piles of gifts. It's not going to make him non-consumerist to sit and watch other children open piles of gifts while he gets a few. It's just going to make him feel sad and jealous.

They can't possibly all have the same as it's just too different buying for younger DC vs teenagers. But you can quite easily make a few, well-chosen gifts plus some fillers that won't stick around for long look like a lot to open.

I'm from your school of thought and also have a DH who is excited by piles of gifts (!) we have compromised. The piles aren't as big as he would have but I try to choose things nicely and you know what? It's fun! It's manageable.

I'm in a similar position with my stepkids except my DP agreed to make it the same amount for all our kids and dial back the spending. Was all good in theory except because SKs are older they had smaller gifts to open so in the days before Christmas he felt bad that it didn't look like their piles were as big as OD's so he went out and bought SKs more gifts. I then did what this poster suggested and put the equivalent of the additional money spent on them (but not on OD) into a savings account for her. I have done this ever since, including when DP's family and friends give money or gifts to SKs and not to OD (OD is partner's child too). She's two and there is now over £2k in that account...

Best advice upthread - agree that all three have a pot of £400 for Christmas. If he believes it better to spend all of his childrens money on things they will throw across the room then that's up to him. You can decide to spend £100 on your child and £300 for savings.
Any extra money spent on the older kids must be matched for the youngest savings.
If DH is so confident his way is the best thing for his kids, let him out his money where his mouth is. He can explain to them why baby sib is sitting pretty at 18 and they have sod all of value.