To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

I think as children get older and their tastes more expensive the number of gifts should get smaller anyway. Could you frame it like this to your dh? Mine probably get a main present, some clothes, sweets and books now.

Hmm I think £40 is extremely stingey for a 3 year old. Sorry.

I would just buy your 3 year old lots of little gifts equalling a lesser amount so to him, it still appears he has plenty to open with his siblings.
You can teach him as he's older that more expensive gifts means less things to open.

Yes I think that would be great. But DH still wants to buy them lots of fun things and honestly we surprise them with so much stuff they end up not liking. The older one wanted money for their birthday and DH was not happy about that. Said they needed things to open.

DH has also decided if they get money it will be less that what we should spend on gifts which i don’t get
i have suggested padding out the piles with clothes.
but the main issue is how it pans out with older kids having lots more to open than son but a pp suggested the older kids open more gifts after son goes to be which could work

So is it that you can't afford that amount for your son or that you didn't want to spend it? Cos it sounded at first like you just didn't want to spend it, but now it sounds like you're saying you can't afford it due to what's been spent on his other children? Which is a totally different scenario!

And I think it's fine to spend less on very young kids anyway. DD2 will be 18 months this Christmas and I won't spend on her what I spend on DD1. And I won't spend on a 3yo what I would spend on a 15yo, because a 3yo doesn't have the same interest or requirement for really expensive stuff like laptops, phones, tablets, consoles, designer clothes, etc.

I think the most important thing I’ve learnt as a sm is that fair is not the same as equal. We can’t treat our kids all equally , we tried and failed doing this, for example some kids do sports activities others don’t, one will probably go to uni the others probably apprenticeships but they are all treated fairly on the basis of their needs.

At Christmas what that means is that some may have more spent on them than others but over the years it all evens out. At the moment our youngest has the least spent on them but probably a bigger pile. My step kids were similar to yours when they were younger, I think I’ve still got toys in the garage that have never been opened so I learned to curb the enthusiasm to match the size of their piles with my son(not dh) he loves little bits like books, fluffy socks, face masks etc and now I buy my son what he will like and stick to stuff I know they’ll like. More expensive Branded undies, skincare, deodorant, perfume, make up as a result their pike may be smaller than my older ds.

My dh also has the tradition of buying them a new outfit each Xmas which can get expensive along with presents and I think it’s a bit much but I’ve decided its one day, we can afford it so it’s not worth the arguments. However I don’t facilitate it ..I sort stockings and the majority of presents but not the clothes.

Why not continue spending more on the older kids which I think is quite normal due to the expense of the things they want knowing it will probably even out as yours gets older, if you feel bad that spending isn’t equal why not start a regular savings account each month and say it’s to make up for the fact that the step kids already have savings, which I assume they have?

Well I wouldn’t want to spend that much on my son yet, but even if I wanted to I couldn’t afford it. I don’t mind at the moment as he is so young.

I guess that will change as he gets older.
if I spent less on the older kids I would put some on his savings.

if I hadn’t found a second hand balance bike it would have been hard to afford at the time. But the bike was like new so it’s fine.

If your DH feels that mountains of presents hold the magic of Christmas, how does he justify a second hand balance bike, a bath toy and a toothbrush/toiletries for your DS?

Feels a bit like he's the Cinderella child. From the start of the story, pre-fairy godmother.

You'd have to buy toiletries and toothbrushes anyway, so why not use your DS's Christmas budget on things that a more likely to bring him some joy? And if you've got the budget for 2 x £400 for the others, surely you don't have to limit your DS's budget to £50?

Actually, the 'dreadful rhyme' can be useful if you're struggling. If he wanted the balance bike, that's great! Then, maybe a nice top with a cartoon character on that he likes (easily available in most supermarkets these days). Then, pick a couple of books. Then, does he need any new crayons or craft supplies? All of that can be done without excessive spending. Then add in a couple of smaller toys like bath toys and you've got a slightly better pile for him to enjoy.

But it’s not just Lego - a Barbie dream house is £200 - £250 for example. Throw in some Barbies and some games, a stocking that’s not full of tat and an advent calendar and you aren’t getting much change from £400. It doesn’t get you that much these days.

of course not everyone can or will spent but I’d hardly say it’s crazy in 2023. That’s before you consider things like phones etc.

for the poster that said they don’t need an Xbox every year, that’s true but there is also a phone the next year, a laptop and iPad or whatever things teenagers are into.

£400 each? Thats absolutely ridiculous.

Sorry, what now? Your husband is spending north of £800on two of his children and you cannot afford more than £50, including the dreaded Christmas toothbrush for his youngest child?
Thats a whole different spin on what the main problem is here.
I'm appalled, quite frankly.
Do you need to divorce this guy to get him to financially look after his youngest?

I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.

Good luck with their mother suggesting that. It’s never going to happen.

Your DH seems to be trying to compensate for being separated by both parents spending loads.
If they were together the kids would probably only get half as much, but it's probably too late for he and his ex to realise this.

So it's unlikely he us going to want them to open them elsewhere....and I agree with him. For me I like to see children open gifts and I think they should open them with the giver present.

Some families Christmas is all about the biggest pile of presents and they collect them all up. We do them in smallest batches as we see people.

For now your 3 Yr old won't notice.
As he gets bigger he will notice the number/size of gifts, not the value. And the older kids should really start to get fewer, smaller gifts although they may be quite expensive.

Why is he treating his youngest like a second class citizen?

At some point you Ds will notice that his step siblings are getting way more then him, what will you say when he ask’s why?

£40 on Christmas is very stingy at Christmas.

The older kids are at that age where they want expensive consoles etc, hence why it costs so much.

It feels like you want to look smug spending less on your dc and criticise the older ones for being spoilt.

Or can you not afford to match £400?

And toothbrush isn’t a gift, it’s basic dental hygiene which you should be doing as his mother!

Your son has just turned 3! The magic of Christmas for a 3 year old is lots of presents.

You can get him lots without spending loads if thats your problem.

A toothbrush and bath toy in a stocking and 2 other gifts isnt much fun imo.

The older children - Why dont there mother want to see them open the gifts she got them?

Older kids - At your house when with son, just open Presents from you and your husband and they open gifts from there mother and that side of the family at there mothers house.
Really Simple!!!

I would personally get your 3 year old as many presents as the older two will be opening, that doesnt have to be the same value.
It could be small things that he likes, small matchbox cars, Book, Art & crafts things, A football, a Teddy, a doll. Literally anything

In his stocking chocolates, stickers , slim etc

When I was younger I was given the option of a few big presents or lots of little presents. As a child, I picked lots of little ones every year.

Honestly OP, no one is saying to be obscene about it but if you can afford it, stop being stingy, buy your kid a few more things and expecting your step children to lessen their Christmas.

I think you’re being really unfair honestly. You should have a budget for each child and once the budget is gone it’s gone, so a big gift will mean a smaller pile of items. If the budget is £400 a child your son could easily still have £100 in gifts and the rest in savings. Your stepchildren shouldn’t have to change what they get for you and neither should your husband just because you want to be a misery at Christmas.

I’m quite horrified by this too. All 3 children should be getting the SAME budget. I’m confused tho as OP previously said she wanted her son to get savings but now is saying she can’t afford more? Strange. Either way this set up is horrible for the youngest. And a 3 year old WILL notice!

The children are all siblings, and as such should be treated equally, the three-year-old doesn’t need as much and you don’t want him to have piles of stuff but he should have the money put away instead. Your DH can’t have it all his way, the older children, either get a pile of gifts or less gifts and money.

Could your dh go over to his children’s mums to open the presents there with his dc? Then he will still be part of them opening lots of Christmas presents. It seems unfair to change your step dc Christmas to suit your desires for your dc.

I actually think it's disgusting spending 10x more on your DSC than your DC! Truly awful parenting.

If DH is not willing to do less for DSC - and I completely see why! - you should even things out for your DC. Treating children so differently is honestly just...I'm flabbergasted how you're trying to defend this awful parenting choice.

The scene is already set, you knew that before deciding to having kids into an already set routine.

Your DH has as much say as you, your way is not 'better' but his holds more water as you can't change what the older kids have established.

Why on earth would you be happy to spend £400 on step kids and only £40 on your own... just miserly and tight.

I can understand cutting back on £400 for financial reason especially if they get double due to their other home but you cannot have such an obvious difference between kids. Why not spend £100 each on them so its kept even (and you save money).

Honestly you sound like my step dad... we had AMAZING Xmases (yes lots of gifts too) until he came along with his misery and insisted we all had to do it his way. It something I'll never forgive him for, he killed our happy childhood.