To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

Search on Reindeer Christmas wrapping - I did this idea last year with my three...

Two of three stacked boxes with a few gifts in each. This way you can do a similar amount of gifts for each child but tailor them to the child.
It stopped me over spending massively!!

I probably spent £200 on teenager, £100 on five year old and £50-60 on the baby. Obviously the younger they are, the cheaper it.
It made it more magical having three reindeer stood there too!

This year I'm planning to do a treasure hunt... 4-5 small presents with clues and main present as the treasure.

Sorry OP, I don't think £400 for an older child is over the top at all.
My friend is a foster carer and receives £300 per child to be spent on Christmas presents, so clearly social services don't think it is unreasonable either.

Surely if they're split between mum and dad's on Xmas day they get 50pc ish at each - not a big full on pile of presents at both! Then that should work out about the same as what you want for your son.

I know it's not the same but I have 3 DC and I always make sure they have the same number of presents to open, irrespective of value. I thinks that works out well. No-one wants to come downstairs and see a sibling, step or not, with a massive pile in comparison to their few presents.

Steer clear of value, go for my number is my advice. Kids don't know or care if a playstation game costs 50 quid and a toy they really wanted if younger cost a tenner.

When I had younger kids and teens it was hard because younger kids like large, bulky, but comparatively cheap toys and older one want small, expensive video games, electronics, aftershave etc. So I'd bulk them out with cheaper packs of soack and pants to make it look similar ish. In reality, as soon as they're 12+, just buying them one video game console and a jacket or whatever will be way more than what the younger ones presents cost. Kids don't care about overall cost, they just like having a similar amount of presents to open. And older kids as well tbh. If you need to bulk the other way, get the younger one selection box, sweets, big backs of pens etc.

I’ll get flamed for this but I think £400 on one child alone is just grotesque. I spend around that on all three of mine, different strokes for different folks I suppose.

How can you spend that amount in teenagers? It's not a criticism but it would barely cover a pair of trainers. My dd's advent calendars cost £250 each.

It was not my intention to come across that way.
what I really want to do is find the best compromise that still honours what my step kids are used to.
he was only 2 last year so I didn’t feel it was stingy.
I buy all the presents for my step kids so I do worry I can’t keep up spending that amount but the main thing is finding a compromise that suits all.

I buy all the presents for my step kids - this isn't your responsibility, they already have 2 parents buying for them. They don't need a third.

I can’t keep up spending that amount but the main thing is finding a compromise that suits all. - again, not your responsibility. Prioritise your own child and spend on them, your DH needs to spend his share on the youngest aswell and not just focus on the eldest.

They're treating you like a mug, expecting you to pay for the parents when they already have two parents paying for them meanwhile your child gets £40 gifts of their £400.. So 10%. Is your son worth 10% off them (definitely not I would imagine).

I'm with your dh on this. They should be treated equally. Tbh I think it's a realistic amount to spend. We don't buy 'big' things like bikes or consoles throughout the year so one big ticket item can easily be 100/200 then few smaller gifts and then stocking fillers.

If you have the money then you should allocate the same. If you don't want 400 worth of toddler toys, which would probably be a huge pile, why not buy swimming lessons, or a trip to cbeebies or peppa World. An experience rather than presents to the same value

Make it the same number of presents. The younger one won’t know that you’ve spent a lot more on the older ones. As the older kids get older then they’ll naturally choose less presents that are more expensive anyway, if you give them the choice.

The magic in Christmas is getting a pile of presents if they can be afforded and they clearly can seeing as the step
children will be getting a pile. In our house one doesn’t get without the other. You need to be spending more equal Amts on each. Yes more for the older but their piles should looks the same. If anything the older kids pile should look less as they will want more valuable items and the toddlers you can do quite reasonably as it’s the boxes that take up the space.

To those saying that their child is into Lego, electronics, designer trainers, etc….Why do they need multiple Lego sets, trainers AND other things, etc.

Why can’t they just be gifted trainers or A Lego set…I think this generation is pretty spoilt to be honest, and that’s coming from someone to at considers themselves as pretty lucky growing up with plenty of money as a child.

But I'm guessing that money is for the entire expense of Christmas with the kids eg going to a Christmas market, buying the turkey etc which all adds up. Otherwise if the 300 is all going on presents only, the foster parents will be way out of pocket on the other stuff?

So the SC used to get a pile of presents when their parents were together & now they get two piles?

Seems ridiculous to me-especially if it means that you can't buy what you would like for your child.

Also Op don't feel bad about spending so little on such a young child-or buying 2nd hand.

We would often get socks, toiletries-things we needed to bulk out the pile/stocking.

I've never felt hard done to!

Your step kids might rather do an activity with just their dad than have a pile of presents-especially if they have already shown that they don't appreciate them.

I can understand that he would like them to see them open what he/you have bought though.

I agree with giving older kids a bit less and 3 year old a bit more to make less discrepancy in gifts for each DC. No reason at all that the older kids should not have some of their presents at their Mum's. Your DH could still label the gifts from him if he wanted too.

Well a 3 year old wouldn't notice what a playstation or whatever is, so you could just buy lots of cheap crap and he'll just think he's opening as many things, ours like the really shit home bargains stocking fillers, they are probably more excited about these than their main gifts and the oldest was 6 last Christmas. As for buying a toothbrush I think that's pretty tight, unless you are on the bones of your arse. I see nothing wrong with spending on older children as long as you can afford it, little kids don't need loads. Once your child is older he should be having the same spent on him as your step kids though.

What do you mean you buy all the stepchildren's presents OP? You mean pay for them or shop for them or both? Coz you should be doing neither....

your situation is tricky. Considering they don't believe in Santa it should be easy to explain to them that their presents will mostly be at their mums but I don't think you can keep buying your DS significantly less forever. Once he is 5+ he may start to notice the disparity when his siblings talk about what they got. He will naturally start asking for more expensive things by then anyway so you may be stressing over nothing as you're not going to get away with spending £40 for very much longer regardless! (assuming you have the money of course.)

But she can force her husband or her step kids mother to spend less. I think her profiles makes sense, she is not insisting that they spend less as that’s their choice but the kids open the other presents at their mothers house.

So 18 x £400 = £7,200, where you buying a house exactly with your 7k deposit 🤣? I mean maybe 4k each Christmas you might have enough for a deposit on a shed when they come to buy in 2050 lol.

Because we want to and we can.

There is a very common misconception that parents of children who receive more for Christmas than others don't have the ability to instil a good sense of financial intelligence in their children, or they don't place any importance on family time or 'good old fashioned fun', or they spend 365 days a week spending money on them. Nothing is further from the truth in regards to my family and my child.

It's not stingy to spend £40 on a toddler, and it's not obscene to spend £400 on a teenager either (mine are young adults and I pine for the toddler years when they would go nuts over a massive inflatable shark for £10...those calling £400 obscene for a teen have clearly not seen the prices of consoles/airpods/speakers/trainers)

It's not that one of you is wrong, it's a)different ages with different requirements, and b) a difference in family cultures, which is to be expected when blending families. You need to sit down and discuss it reasonably with the prior agreement that nobody is in the wrong, you're just bringing different backgrounds to the table and this, like many other aspects of family life, needs to be renegotiated and a consensus found. You could involve the older kids in that conversation, if they're mature and reasonable enough.

I think there are compromises here that will cause everyone less stress. The truth is that “piles” are part of some people’s Christmases. That’s ok. People are allowed to be different and it isn’t like this is a daily occurrence or really a big deal in character development.

Let your DH’s piles tradition win out over your “control and sanity” tradition re Xmas presents. It doesn’t matter a lot, but trying to change it will be hard. (Choose your “win” on something else!)

for your son, who is really very young, you can buy some awesome cheap stuff he will love that will not destroy his soul and will prevent envy. Eg a blow up colourful ball, some playdoh pots, a colour changing pen.

then in five years you can revisit - the older kids will be even further into the next stage by then and everything may feel different.

Both those amounts seem reasonable to me. babies and toddlers stuff is cheap. You'd be hard pressed to get a teenager a bottle of aftershave, a videogame, a hoodie and some stocking fillers for much lessthat £300 these days. As I keep saying, it's amount of presents that matters, not value.

400 apiece on Christmas????

I feel your DH would be getting a raw deal with what you suggest. For him, seeing his kids ripping into a pile of presents is part of Christmas. That's his way of doing Christmas and is no less valid then yours. If he did as you asked he would be down close to £1000, and still not get the experience he wants of seeing any of his 3 kids overexcited with a massive pile of gifts.

I understand it's important to you for your child’s Christmases to be similar to your own, but it's DH's child to. Could you compromise somewhere between a £400 pile and a single gift.

Just give your 3 yo more presents to open - buy some books or cheap toys and give him a comparable numner of gifts. The value doesn’t have to be the same