To ask if step kids don’t open all their gifts in front of son

[Margo87]

I have two step kids aged 10 & 13 and share a 3 year old with DH.
we’ve been discussing Christmas to make sure we can afford it but as usual it looks like we will be spending around £400 on each of the older kids as they get main gifts here and their mums, plus several mediums and smaller gifts. We spend much less on 3 year old. I don’t mind spending that on on my 2 year old, last year was £40 including stocking. I don’t want him growing up expecting too much, especially when he becomes interested in things like Nintendo etc.
my thought is to for him to get one main gift from Santa with a small stocking (toothbrush, little bath toy, book etc) and a gift from us, not as big as main but it can go with the main gift. Last year Santa gave him a second hand balance bike, and we gave him a new helmet.
I grew up like that and it never took away from magic of Christmas. DH is worried about that. He things the magic is in piles of gifts. The older kids for example will get things like a DS, Xbox or gaming pc, but still get piles on top of that. I have suggested they get their main gift form both houses as we get on so well with their mother, but DH is not sure about that.
he has agreed our child will get less.
I asked DH from now on can we give the step kids most of their presents to open at their mums? DH is against this idea. But they will be opening piles in front of my son who will get less. I thought this could be a compromise to honouring what my step kids are used to, so they still get loads of gifts , and we don’t have to give so much to son. (I can see when the kids have too much they don’t appreciate it all, too much to play with. I’d rather put in savings but it’s not up to me where step kids are concerned but I can for my son if there is enough).

AIBU to ask that moving forward we give most of step kids gifts over the their mother’s house to open there?
tia

Not the point of the thread but I can only imagine the people disgusted by spending £400 don’t have teenagers.

by the time you have bought some kind of designer clothing / trainers, airpods or gaming tech and some toiletries you will be close to £400 !

Easily done with teens.

New phone could cover the entire budget.

Or

footie boots £100
A few brand name hoodies £100
Concert tickets £100
Xbox games £100

Hardly a massive stash of stuff

The teen in my life would get one of those things pluses toiletries.

New phone fine. But otherwise ONE of those things is enough with some smaller items. Teach them the value of money

Also we don’t set the budgets, the government does. And yes it’s to cover the lots not just presents.

Sounds a very sensible idea

My teenager gets trainers and hoodies and clothes when she needs them. At Christmas if there is a special, slightly more expensive branded /Ltd edition one that she wants I may well get it but she's far from spoiled. She has a pair of air force 1s, a pair of converse and has just got a pair of cloud trainers for the new school year/pe as the AF1s are a year old and look every day of it. It's my job to clothe my child. That's not a "gift" although I may replace something she needs with a better/nicer version to " pad out " the pile. And she's incredibly grateful. We also do a new electric tooth brush, socks, pjs, bed head or mane and tail shampoo conditioner sets. So some is what she needs but a better one, a treat, compared to normal feb-nov times. But I'd never just wrap up basic stuff like school socks as it's not a treat or a gift.

To me a gift or treat is something that you wouldn't normally splurge on, something better than normal .

@LookingForPurpose
I get that but I would class Lego, electronics, etc as nicer necessities.

No one will change my mind, I think £400 per child is pretty obscene 🙈

Although, it’s not per child - only the DSC are worth that 🙄

It's not like kids don't know how much something costs.

You do you. Other people do things differently. It's not a 'right wrong' scenario. And it doesn't lead to kids understanding or not understanding how much things cost - cos that would be weird!

I think the evening present session might solve your immediate problem OP... however I think your DH really does need to consider WHAT he is buying if so much is discarded.

I do however think that your DH needs to understand that the 3 lids should be treated fairly. If you do not have the money to put the difference in a bank account for the youngest, the overall.budget should be distributed better. If he doesn't see the disparity he is forcing by wanting to add to DSCs savings too then he is in the wrong.

Another tip in terms of the pile is maybe to save bigger boxes, and wrap more creatively. So a box of earrings could be turned into a Christmas cracker using a kitchen roll inner or a whole sheet of a4 ... makes the pile bigger by wrapping Air!! Makes rhe opening more of a thing, slows them down and is something the smaller one will enjoy too!

I think this year he won’t care or notice what his siblings get.

But in 3 years he might - although at that point the teenage things they want will seem boring to him!

Dont overthink it OP.

footie boots £100
A few brand name hoodies £100
Concert tickets £100
Xbox games £100

That is an obscene amount to spend on Christmas gifts for one person

I think you have suggested a sensible compromise OP. Your DH can go over to their mums if he wants to watch them opening presents?

'in your opinion'

In fact, many teenagers across the UK are bought a few branded hoodies and xbox games across the year. Some people just do it on one day. Not many people get too worked up about it, either way.It's just part of having teenagers.

I expect worthier teens crochet their own hoodies out of nettles. Good for them

WHY are you buying the SC gifts?! When did this start? I think it's high time you hand that job back to their father.

I do not give my DC same number or price of gifts . I spend according to what they want (or I think they will). Primary age gifts for Christmas or birthday were generally £50-100 max (exception being large outdoor toys-climbing frames, to last years). As teenagers prices per child have been a lot more. I do not put extra in toddler's bank account etc just assume will spend at times 10x more when they are older. What was spent on your step children when they were toddler age? It may not be that different- this is what I think is important.
I hate "piles" of gifts I find it messy and difficult (I was according to my mother frequently sick at Christmas- she thought it was "excitement" ). Interestingly I have seen similar behaviour with 2 year old at past Christmases (he was very upset and most presents went unopened into loft).
Where do the piles of presents get stored? Space is often hard to come by in UK? Seeing things cluttering the place and the waste .....

One big gift (from Mum and Dad) and Father Christmas gifts (sweets, chocolates, book(s), with additional craft supplies and puzzles- for younger children).

Big gift may have few bits to go with it (eg if wooden kitchen may have added saucepans/crockery/cutlery etc , I love Aldi). Smallish piles lots of lovely time together as a family.

Absolutely put the money in savings for your ds, and if your dh objects to this, say our child only has you and I as parents and they had x spent on them at Christmas. You insist on spending 400 on each of yours and they then get presents from their mum too. I cannot believe you are going to argue about this. If you think we need to put extra into savings for your dc then we also need to put the same EXTRA for our dc together.

it just sound insanely spoilt, and he’s not listening to his children either.

So you have chosen to buy you child less so the step children have to change what they do?

Are the step kids of an age where they would enjoy having money?

I think that a good compromise would be to talk to them before Xmas about what they want and then with discussion do a smaller pile each for the step kids, max value £200. Plus £200 cash.

A same sized pile for your joint child (possibly by having a large present with multiple components eg bike plus helmet plus bell or toy kitchen plus bits to go in it etc) plus £200 cash which you then put into his savings.

You could consider including a couple of physically large but cheap consumable things I’m each pile so that all 3 have the same. a box of popcorn for an afternoon film could be a good option for example.

Once you’ve set that as a precedent then the same system will work in the future too hopefully.

Your small child will not notice the difference in value for a few years yet. It is a great idea to give the older kids a similar number of gifts to open at your house.
You can wrap every item in the stocking if you need to have similar numbers of gifts. You are right; children appreciate getting one or two gifts that they have their heart set on.

As the years go on the older children will end up buying their younger sibling gifts too. Your child will end up getting more gifts than you would like but will have to cope.

i really couldn’t afford much more after spending on the older kids.

And you said you buy the older kids' presents.

How do you're finances work? If he wants to be spend close to a grand, he can. Why are you spending it?

I'm confused.

I can’t get over the toothbrush - there has to be a compromise between not giving too many presents and giving poor little Harry a toothbrush as his Christmas present.

It’s not ok to give your shared child a shit “gift” like that and then shower his DC with gifts and have to come up with creative ways to hide that disparity from your kid. Being stingy for the sake of it can’t possibly add to the joy of Christmas

Will the main presents my kids ask for are often in the £50-80 range, eg some Van shoes, a couple of pairs of gymshark leggings, some sort of computer/gaming accessory like a gear stick. A stocking is usually about £25-30 (assortment of bath stuff, make up, sweeties, some fun things like special magic the gathering cards, or mood rings, etc), then I might another £25-50ish on some random things. I've just remembered that we have a tradition of getting new pajamas on Xmas Eve, do that would be another £25ish. And I make the calendar each year with jokes and riddles and a pack of magic Star chocolates. They seem pretty happy with it! They obviously get other stuff from grandparents and an Auntie.

Sometimes one of the DC will really want something more expensive (airpods, money towards a phone etc), so the budget isn't set in stone.

As a family we are pretty "eco" though. The kids enjoy shopping at charity shops, and aren't obsessed with the latest phones, fashion etc (except youngest DC13!)